u/glitterngal

I need help making the hardest decision of our lives.
We have a known donor we have been using for trying for the last year. We had zero positives for the 9 cycles we tried (including 4 IUIs) and the 10th cycle we had an ectopic in my right tube.

Our doctors recommended moving onto IVF as I have PCOS. We found a clinic we love, but they just called us today as we are getting ready to start, to say we need to follow the FDA guidelines for known donor sperm. This puts us at spending 6500 on getting his sperm frozen, or using an unknown donor from a bank. We could also keep doing IUI with our known donor, but after 5 failed ones the odds aren’t high.

What do we do? We don’t have insurance coverage so IVF out of pocket is already 20,000. Then a frozen transfer is 6500 which we will likely need with pcos. An additional 6500 is more money than we have.

An unknown donor is around 2,000. We loved the idea of this donor (my best friend) creating this baby with us. But the road blocks seem to just keep happening.

What do we do?

Had anyone tried myo-insitol and had it delay a cycle? I had an AFC count of 35 so I started taking Wholesome story Myo-insitol this cycle at my period start. We are planning IVF and I read it can help with egg quality. I was feeling great about it but now I’m on cycle day 18 with no ovulation, which has NEVER happened to me and I’ve been tracking for two years.

Has this happened to anyone else?? What do I do? I obviously stopped taking it but now I won’t be able to start my IVF cycle on time because this will obviously either delay my cycle of I just wont bleed on my own now.

Im feeling really upset about this.

Hello!

I recently went to an RE as we have been struggling to get pregnant (wife and I are using a known donor, I’m carrying) 4 at home tries, 4 IUIs with zero positives. 5th IUI ended in ectopic.
In my blood work it was noted I have a 5.0 AMH (I’m 31), FSH was 5.4 and LH was 12.8 on day 3 of my cycle. My testosterone was “a little high” (I don’t have the exact result).
I have a BMI of 28.7 and I haven’t heard anything (in MANY follicle studies/baseline ultrasounds) about my ovaries having that “chocolate chip cookie” appearance.
I typically have decently regular periods - 27-30 days. I have tracked ovulation and I usually get it.

They are thinking I have insulin resistance going on and that’s impacting my body - but where do I start with that? I’ve seen a lot of things about metformin but I wasn’t offered that.

Are there ways I should eat? Any helpful supplements? Any recommendations would be great! We are moving to IVF but I want to do my best to address everything before we spend that much money!

I need help deciding which IVF clinic to go to, I really don’t know what to do and I don’t know where to go for advice!

The options are CNY (which I feel like a lot of people are familiar with) or CRM in Minnesota USA.

Unfortunately money is the biggest concern - we have no insurance coverage at all for IVF.

Other info:
-31 years old
- 5 failed IUIs, one ectopic pregnancy (first pregnancy ever, right tube, treated with methotrexate).
- used Letrozole for all IUIs, 2-4 follicles each time, would take cycle day 3-7 and would have follicles ready by cycle day 10.
- Two hysteroscopys within the last 2 years (one 4 months ago) both were normal
-HSGs normal (one in 2024 before ectopic), one a month ago (after ectopic)
- AMH of 5
- Day 3 FSH is 5.4 and LH is 12.7, slightly high testosterone so they are thinking PCOS as a possibility.
- possible endo (spotting 3/4 days before period, heavy periods with clotting, weird pain under right rib that intensifies with where I am in cycle)
- regular cycle 28-30 days. Ovulate consistently day 14-16.
*we are using donor sperm - known donor with slightly low levels, 3% morphology*

CNY:
Pros:
- ER is 7k, and where we sit right now we could afford at least 2 retrievals if needed.

- this will be my first ER, and I’m very scared we won’t get any eggs/ viable embryos due to PCOS/endo - this allows us more tries.

Cons:
- travel: we will have to travel/fly 2-4 hours for CNY. My wife is having knee surgery so I will have to go to the retrieval alone.
- we own a farm so travel can be challenging as we would need to get someone to watch the farm last minute as my wife wont be able to do it after surgery. We are not willing to postpone egg retrieval for the 6-8 months her full recovery will take.
- I’m worried because I have heard CNY’s protocol isn’t always very flexible. Would they be able to find the nuance in what I need being that I don’t quite fit for PCOS, don’t know about endo?
- SART data says CNY has a first transfer success rate of 34% and that worries me.

CRM
Pros:
- we met with the doctor and he was so great. He listened, was super validating, I didn’t have to advocate for myself AT ALL because he reviewed my info and immediately said possible endo, slight PCOS.
- the clinic is 45 minutes away so easy to access
- I have friends who have had success with this doctor/clinic
- they have a 45% rate for first transfer
- from what I have heard they are communicative and easy to work with

Cons:
- one transfer is 16k, so if we get no eggs/no embryos that’s all the money we have. We can’t try again at least another year, but likely two (that’s how long it took us to save up this money).
- my partner is older than me and would like to be done trying by the time they are 47. But we want two children, so that’s only 5 years. Having to wait another 2 years to save up money would likely make two kids not plausible.

How do we make a decision like this? What should we do! Any advice is greatly appreciated

My wife and I have been together for four years (both women). She was an active alcoholic for about 12 years, went to treatment and when I met her she was 6 years sober. She went to AA meetings and was pretty involved in the community. Shes 11 years older than me. She’s 10 years sober now. She stopped going to meetings or doing much since we met.

I drank quite a bit in my very early 20s when I worked in restaurants but then I got my masters (social work) and got a job and still drank with friends but not super often when I met my wife. She doesn’t like when I drink (obviously) so I super rarely do now and never ever at home or if I’m out with her somewhere. We are also trying to have a baby so I really don’t drink at all now.

We have been struggling so much lately and my therapist suggested Al anon but it doesn’t feel like it’s for me because my wife has been sober for 10 years and I’ve never known her drinking.

Here’s what I struggle with:

I really struggle with ever knowing what she’s feeling. I feel like she doesn’t tell me her emotions until 3-6 months later and then it turns into a huge thing (ie: she told me a year after our wedding she felt like I didn’t care about her at the wedding because the night before the ceremony I had drinks with my friends).

I’m an anxious person and this is super hard for her. She doesn’t like my views on life and if I get anxious or worried she gets really annoyed with me.

We are going through infertility and it’s been really hard, she doesn’t like that I get sad when we aren’t pregnant and she says I’m not fun to be around, that she doesn’t want to come home to me.

I’m always terrified she’s going to leave me because whenever we have an argument of any sort she ends up in some way saying we shouldn’t be together, I wouldn’t be a good mom because I’m too anxious, she can’t live like this with me.

She really doesn’t like my outlook on life and says that my emotions and how I view life make her want to drink so I need to have the same mindset that she does (god is in charge, everything in his time, she fully trusts him etc.)

I really struggle to ever tell her if I’m upset by something she does - making her feel bad feels 100 times worse for me than when I feel bad. 90% of the time after i say how i feel i end up apologizing because I feel so awful for her feeling bad. And example of this:

She has made a new friend (woman who is married) that she’s super close with (made this friend in the last month and a half). They text all the time, my wife has freaked out if I see a text come through to the friend and tells me I can’t read the messages, they aren’t for me, I don’t need to know what she’s talking about (I have never once read her messages in the past, I was holding her phone to order door dash and said the friend texted her when she freaked out). She does things for this friend I’ve never ever seen her do for other friends like take this friend care packages and clothes when the friend is hurt. She sees this friend as her soulmate she says. (She’s also said she doesn’t believe in soulmates our whole relationship). Regardless I’ve expressed I feel uncomfortable with the intensity of the new friendship and feel like she prioritizes the friendship over our relationship (I had an ectopic pregnancy during like the second week of her new friendship and I felt very alone in it). My wife says she wouldn’t care if I had a friendship like this one, she wouldn’t care if I invited someone to our house when she had to be gone all day (I did care). When I said it makes me uncomfortable she says “what about my feelings of being excited about having a new friend”. And that she hates “being in trouble with me” and that she will “always make sure to ask my permission first” even though she “doesn’t have double standards like that for me and would never make me ask her first” even though I would literally always ask her first because I know she gets uncomfortable with my friends.

Anyways, all of this to say, we have a lot of issues. I’m in therapy and I feel like it’s not really helping me - could this community help me fix whatever is happening with me that makes so much of our relationship feel so…bad? I love her so much, and I feel so lonely and never ever good enough. Any thoughts?

We have been trying with a known donor for 11 months. We did 4 at home tries with zero positives, 4 IUIs with zero positives. Our fifth IUI a little over a month ago ended two weeks ago with an ectopic. I kept my tube but we need to wait 3 months to try again.

Yesterday my wife and I talked about next plans (IVF vs IUI was what I thought it would be) and she dropped that she doesn’t want any kids in the house by the time she’s 65. She’s 11 years older than me, she’s 42 and I’m 30. That gives us 5 years to try. I will be 35.

I’m really struggling with this - as recently as a month ago she has been saying (in couples counseling too) that there is no timeline, I’m the one putting timeline pressure on, and she would “be just fine with a baby when she’s 50”.

I have said I wanted kids from day 1. I thought we wanted two kids. She has said she did too. Now, as in yesterday, she’s saying she’s just as okay with having kids as not having kids. She’s saying this has nothing to do with the ectopic and she’s over that completely.

She also doesn’t want to go right to IVF when we can start trying again and wants to do more IUIs. Which seems insane to me if we have this new strict timeline.

I genuinely don’t know how I would accept just stopping trying at 35 if there’s still a chance we could have kids? I totally get her having timelines but I’m struggling so much with understanding how she never realized this until now.

I really don’t know where to go from here.

I don’t know where to ask this so trying here. In the past year I have had multiple experiences where I have felt like I knew something bad was going to happen, and it all did.
The first was a feeling that a space would have a fire. It did start on fire from faulty wiring while I was in it, a fire has been my biggest fear since I was a child and it happened. With me in it. I got out and was okay but it really changed the course of my life.

The second was when we started trying to have a baby and I had a feeling it would not be easy. It has not been easy and we have moved to medical interventions. I had a feeling I would be pregnant in May but I didn’t have a positive feeling around it if that makes sense? It was uneasy and scared. I did in fact find out I was pregnant in May. Immediately on seeing the positive test I had a bad feeling about it, despite everyone telling me it was good and my numbers being “good”. It ended up being ectopic.

I have had dreams that friends got in car accidents and they did, that my friend got pregnant and I was so sad because I was also trying and didn’t get pregnant, and she told me the next day she missed her period (which is technically a good thing, but happy for her and sad for me)

Are all my “bad” thoughts and feelings actually intuition? Should I be trusting that those things will happen?
I have a strong feeling that we will spend years trying to get pregnant and it won’t ever happen for us. Is that intuition like all these other things? How do you tell the difference between intuition and fear or anxiety? Everyone always tells me it’s my anxiety that makes me think about things like fires and challenges with pregnancy. But those things keep happening.

My wife and I experienced our first ever pregnancy after 5 IUIs and it ended this week in ectopic. I am devastated, I’m bleeding, I took the MTX, it has been terrible. This baby was so, so wanted.
In talking about it, my wife has said she’s worried about me, but doesn’t believe life begins at conception and she thought I didn’t either.
Everyone grieves in their own way and I absolutely am okay with her grieving how she needs to. I just feel like I’m having a hard time grieving around her. I worry I’m being too much, or too dramatic, or that I shouldn’t be this sad about our loss. I feel so lonely in this and I’m not sure how I move through the grief. I’m not someone to typically likes others to see my sad so I think it’s hitting some of that too.

I had my first MTX shot on Wednesday, they found the ectopic in my right tube. My HCG was 750 (down from 936 the day before). Went back today for day 4 and HCG was 136. Is it at all possible I could only need one shot of MTX or should I not hold my breath on that? Anyone had experience with only needing one round?

Wanted to give an update!
Thank you everyone so much for all of your kind words, this baby was so, so wanted and this is the hardest thing I have been through to date. I thought not being able to get pregnant was the worst, but it turns out it can get worse. My heart breaks for everyone who has gone through this.
I did opt to do the shot, my doctor wants to try to save the tube if we can, but we will be doing an HSG before I try again.
I’ll keep everyone updated!
Thank you!

I posted a few days ago with low betas - I had bright red bleeding today and went to the ER, my beta came back at 750 - down from 936 yesterday. They did an ultrasound and it’s confirmed ectopic in my right tube.
The doctor is nervous that because it looks so small, she won’t be able to see it to get it or confirm with surgery. She’s recommending methotrexate. That comes with a 3 month wait though, and I’m so anxious.
This was extremely wanted, our 5th IUI and first ever positive. I’m heartbroken and scared. I’m terrified of what my chances of pregnancy look like now.

Hello, help please!

I had an IUI April 29th, took a test May 12th and it was negative, stopped vaginal progesterone as instructed.
May 19th I still had no period, but had red/brown spotting. I took a home pregnancy test and it was positive. Got in for a beta that day at 10:50am and it was 132. Restarted progesterone.
May 21st I had my second beta at 10:50am and it was 295.
May 25th (4days later) had a third beta at 8:10am and it was 936.
Im still having light pink/brown spotting pretty much daily, but much more after I move around/do physical work (had to move a chicken coop, feed animals).

I’m so anxious - I can’t get an ultrasound until the end of this week early next week. I’m terrified the betas aren’t good and with the spotting its ectopic.
How much should I be guarding my heart here?

I had an IUI on April 29th, with a. Trigger shot the day before. I was on progesterone 200mg 2x/daily and was instructed to take a test on May 12th, which I did and it was stark negative. I stopped progesterone.
I started spotting (light pink, some brown) on May 13th, and it wasn’t getting any heavier (I do usually spot before my period so hoped it was that).
By May 19th I had no period, so did an inito test to see where my hormones were and my estrogen was 82, my progesterone was 8, but my LH was 14. So I took a pregnancy test and it was positive. This was 20 days after my IUI.

I called the clinic and they got me in for a beta and it came back at 132. The nurse told me this is “normal” and “looks good for where they were expect it” when I asked about it being low. I am going in today for a second beta but won’t get results until tomorrow.

I’m very worried this is ectopic - from all the research I have done that number is very low. Obviously I might not know until I get the result from today’s test, but should I be advocating for a scan?

We’ve been trying for 10 months and this was our 5th IUI and first ever positive, so I’m terrified of losing my tube if I don’t advocate for myself well enough.

This is *not* a viable pregnancy as confirmed at my clinic!!!

I had an IUI on April 29th (trigger shot the 28th) started progesterone (200mg 2x/day vaginally) on the 30th. I was instructed to take the progesterone until a negative pregnancy test, and to test on May 12th. I took the test early morning on May 12th and it was completely negative. It was a clear blue test because that was all I had, it was an early detection one though. I messaged my clinic, stopped the progesterone. I’ve done 5 IUIs, 5 at home tries, and never even a slight positive so I wasn’t like hopeful.

I started spotting on May 14th lightly (pink and brown) but it hadnt really increased. It’s now May 19th so we’re 8 full days from when I took the negative test and stopped progesterone.

This morning I woke up and was annoyed my period hadn’t come so I took an inito test to see what my hormones are doing. My E3g was 82, my progesterone was 8, and my LH was 14. Which I thought was weird so I took another clear blue test and it was positive. I panicked, and ran to the store and got two more tests, a first response and another generic red one. They both were “positive” but the test line was lighter than the control line on both. Which at this point it would be expected to be much darker. They brought me in for a beta, and levels are likely too low to be viable, I go back in Thursday to confirm, so considering it a chemical (nurse mentioned ectopic too).

I’m just so devastated, I feel like I absolutely ruined our first chance by stopping the progesterone. I should have used a better test, I should have tested again before now. I’m just so heart broken, I’ve been praying for a positive for 10 months, and I feel like I ruined it. I feel like something is just dying inside of me right now, and I ruined our one chance by stopping that progesterone and not taking a better test or testing again, maybe I could have caught it earlier and saved it. I’m just so devastated and I don’t even know what to do.

I had an IUI on April 29th (trigger shot the 28th) started progesterone (200mg 2x/day vaginally) on the 30th. I was instructed to take the progesterone until a negative pregnancy test, and to test on May 12th. I took the test early morning on May 12th and it was completely negative. It was a clear blue test because that was all I had, it was an early detection one though. I messaged my clinic, stopped the progesterone. I’ve done 5 IUIs, 5 at home tries, and never even a slight positive so I wasn’t like hopeful.

I started spotting on May 14th lightly (pink and brown) but it hadnt really increased. It’s now May 19th so we’re 8 full days from when I took the negative test and stopped progesterone.

This morning I woke up and was annoyed my period hadn’t come so I took an inito test to see what my hormones are doing. My E3g was 82, my progesterone was 8, and my LH was 14. Which I thought was weird so I took another clear blue test and it was positive. I panicked, and ran to the store and got two more tests, a first response and another generic red one. They both were “positive” but the test line was lighter than the control line on both. Which at this point it would be expected to be much darker if it was viable right? I talked to my nurse at the clinic and she said it’s likely not viable.

They brought me in for a beta but I won’t get results until tomorrow.

I’m just so devastated, I feel like I absolutely ruined our first chance by stopping the progesterone. I should have used a better test, I should have tested again before now. I’m just so heart broken, I’ve been praying for a positive for 10 months, and I feel like I ruined it. I feel like a baby is just dying inside of me right now, and I ruined our one chance by stopping that progesterone and not taking a better test or testing again, maybe I could have caught it earlier and saved it. I’m just so devastated and I don’t even know what to do.

I did my first IUI with vaginal progesterone (5th IUI total), IUI was done on April 29th and started progesterone on April 30th, 200mg vaginally 2x/day. I tested 13DPO as per instructions and was negative, technically my last progesterone dose was the night before.
I’ve been off progesterone for 8 days now, and had very light spotting (light pink, like twice I’ve had more brown stringy but barely any) for 6 days but zero increase toward a period.

Is this normal? Should I be reaching out to my clinic?

If my period doesn’t come soon we will miss this whole next cycle because we need to be out of town. This is so wildly frustrating.

Hello!
We just had our 5th IUI fail today, and I’m really struggling with *how* to advocate for myself.

I’ll do the short version - then give more info below. 30 year old female (me), with a 28 year old male known donor. We have tried at home 4 times, and done 5 IUIs. All but 3 tries (first three) were done with letrozole - 2.5mg and I had 1 or 2 dominant follicles, used pregnyl trigger. This last IUI used 5mg letrozole, 3 dominant follicles, and it failed as well. Donor has lower counts, 3% morphology. We have *never* had a positive test.

I haven’t ever thought I had any symptoms of endo. My periods aren’t painful (I don’t use heating pads or take any sort of pain medication). My cycles are regular. My most recent hysteroscopy showed everything looked good (though I know that doesn’t diagnose). However, all these IUIs failing, and with the plan being to move to IVF if the next three don’t work, “silent endo” keeps coming up in my mind. I did learn that both of my aunts have endo (discovered after having kids in their early 20s). I did have very painful periods when I was younger (started my period at age 10) and would miss school due to cramps. However it hasn’t been painful like that since probably 20 years old. My period is always fairly “clotty” and heavy for about 2 days, then levels out. I have always spotted before my period - 3-5 days before my period starts. I also have always been more on the constipated side, except for dying my period when it’s the opposite. I was under the impression this is all normal? However I am now questioning it? When I brought it up with my doctor they offered a lap - but I’m having an awful time trying to wrap my mind around doing that invasive of a procedure for something that the doctors seem to think is maybe possible, but not likely probable, especially when I have no pain - if that makes sense? Does it seem worth it in my case?

I *really* don’t want to start the insanely expensive IVF journey (we have no insurance coverage) if Endo could be a barrier though too? But if it’s pretty unlikely then why do it? Our other concern is DNA fragmentation for the donors sperm, but I’m not sure that would cause zero positive tests ever.

My biggest question is if I should test for endo? By lap? Try to ask about the receptiva? Focus on the sperm first?

Now for the additional info for anyone wanting to read more*
- in 2024 I had a hysteroscopy due to my lining not getting trilaminar. Cleaned everything out, didn’t find any polyps, sent tissue for testing and it was normal. Tubes were checked and were open.
- took provera for three months
- tracked ovulation, wasn’t ovulating regularly for three months. Finally regulated and started trying at home.
- cleaned up my diet, no sugar or processed food.
- 27, 28 day cycles, consistent ovulation. PDG on 7DPO between 11-17 every cycle.
- I do spot 3-4 days before my cycle (brown, pretty heavy usually day before period)
- had blood work in December 2025 and everything was “normal” - AMH of 4.5.
- tested for PCOS and levels all came back normal.
- had another hysteroscopy and everything looked good.
- added 400mg of vaginal progesterone this past cycle.
-my estrogen is on the lower end through my cycle, I use inito and the highest it goes during my luteal phase is usually about 80. However, I imagine this could be from letrozole use.

On to the donor - he is 28, he unfortunately smokes weed and drinks socially (but fairly often). He was taking Coq10 for a bit, but I guess it made him sick. So he isn’t any more. His concentration is 14.9 total sperm count is 27.0, progressive motile is 21mill, and morphology is 3% with 95% head defect. Our IUI clinic keeps telling us it “should be fine for IUI” but we’re five in and nothing.

If you read all of this thank you!!!! Any advice would be so appreciated.

Hello!
We just had our 5th IUI fail today, and I am feeling so sad, hopeless, and wildly confused about what to do next.
I’ll do the short version - then give more info below. 30 year old female (me), with a 28 year old male known donor. We have tried at home 4 times, and done 5 IUIs. All but 3 tries (first three) were done with letrozole - 2.5mg and I had 1 or 2 dominant follicles, used pregnyl trigger. This last IUI used 5mg letrozole, 3 dominant follicles, and it failed as well. Donor has lower counts, 3% morphology. My wife does *not* want to switch donors. We have never had a positive test - which is where the “what do I do now” comes in.
Do we keep trying IUI? Do we move to IVF? If we move to IVF should we test me for endo first? Test donors DNA fragmentation?
My concerns are:
Silent Endo, my egg quality potentially being awful? DNA fragmentation of the sperm. I’m terrified to spend 30-60k out of pocket (no insurance) and find out AFTER doing that my egg quality is awful, or implantation can’t happen due to endo, or there is DNA fragmentation that won’t allow us to move forward.
*Now for the additional info for anyone wanting to read more*
- in 2024 I had a hysteroscopy due to my lining not getting trilaminar. Cleaned everything out, didn’t find any polyps, sent tissue for testing and it was normal. Tubes were checked and were open.
- took provera for three months
- tracked ovulation, wasn’t ovulating regularly for three months. Finally regulated and started trying at home.
- cleaned up my diet, no sugar or processed food.
- 27, 28 day cycles, consistent ovulation. PDG on 7DPO between 11-17 every cycle.
- I do spot 3-4 days before my cycle (brown, pretty heavy usually day before period)
- had blood work in December 2025 and everything was “normal” - AMH of 4.5.
- tested for PCOS and levels all came back normal.
- had another hysteroscopy and everything looked good.
- added 400mg of vaginal progesterone this past cycle.
*concerns* my aunts have endo, my mom does not. I had really painful heavy periods as a kid (started at age 10) but they have leveled out. I rarely have cramps. I do have a pretty consistent history of constipation, except for when I have my period it’s the opposite. Sore lower back. “Poop cramps” sometimes (maybe like once a month though, not often).
-my estrogen is on the lower end through my cycle, I use inito and the highest it goes during my luteal phase is usually about 80.
My biggest fears here are endo, or that I have awful egg quality.
On to the donor - he is 28, he unfortunately smokes weed and drinks socially (but fairly often). He was taking Coq10 for a bit, but I guess it made him sick. So he isn’t any more. His concentration is 14.9 total sperm count is 27.0, progressive motile is 21mill, and morphology is 3% with 95% head defect. Our IUI clinic keeps telling us it “should be fine for IUI”. I’m worried about DNA fragmentation. We haven’t tested.

If you read this far THANK YOU!!! What would you do? Focus on the DNA fragmentation testing first? Endo testing for me? Anything else I’m missing or not thinking of that we should try to test before we go to IVF? I need help!!