u/hyperspaceJellyfish

i don't even know what more to say. it's disgusting. there's only one other type of person who actively waits for kids to get older and gets excited when they turn "of age." the worst part is that 15 ISN'T EVEN OF AGE!

these people don't even think half of the systems they mock are faking it, they just want to shit on systems for no reason. i've never come across a community so fucking low. just absolutely vile. true, pure evil.

all i know is play it in my head 24/7 and torture myself to get revenge. i'm becoming agoraphobic snd i know it, but it feels GOOD to know i'm going to be too uninvolved in life to hurt anyone.

title says all, really. i've had the urge to punish myself for wrongdoings since i was old enough to have thoughts. as a toddler i couldn't be spanked because i would do it to myself harder. since i was 11 my entire goal in life has been to Just Be Good, and now ... my entire life is based around self punishment. based around just getting by while being as "not there" as possible. i stifle myself constantly, won't let myself go to certain locations because i did something bad there, don't talk to close friends for months or years to avoid hurting them... i wish i could do music or art but i've already cancelled myself.

i learned my sense of morals from commentary youtube and political reels. i learned that if you do something wrong, what you have to do is leave and never come back, but that's for content creators. a creator can be deplatformed, lose brand deals, even lose their job.. but what happens to common people? my brain's translation for that is, if content creators have to leave the internet when they fuck up, common people have to either isolate or die. obviously this is ocd brained bullshit, but.. yeah.

i don't know what the normal thing is when it comes to morals.

i'm restless and can't calm down, i really need to talk about the things i want to talk about and i'm constantly isolated. i'd also prefer that it's a one-off conversation unless i start feeling safe with you.

i really need someone to talk to and to show my favorite video game to. also don't hit on me pls ty

recently i tried to apologize to my siblings for traumatizing them and they told me i didn't. i apologized to my best friend and he told me i didn't have to and that my actions were inconsequential.

...

...

HUH????

i've been structuring my entire life on the belief that i am an abuser and i have to lay low, but ???? i guess it's not as bad as i thought ???

i've taken it as a sign to treat myself like a human being again.

i talk to strangers a lot more than i talk to my friends because of this. i've done too much, ideally i should probably live in solitude but that's not totally possible. i'm shocked by the fact that i still have people who love me. now i just try my best to keep my mouth shut.

i don't care about abandonment anymore at all, if someone leaves? fine, we've only talked twice this year, and it's definitely my fault so i just have to take it on the chin.

i used to be anxious attached and constantly needing attention from everyone around me, but i've slowly been reaching my lifelong goal of being good and not hurting anyone. it's to the point where i've gotten a backhanded comment for not talking to anyone. i've had 5 instances where i emotionally hurt someone this year, 3 related to bpd. sure, it's a lot less than before, but it's still not good enough.

is this quiet bpd? am i finally the good kind of bpd? i still can't stop hurting myself. i structure my life based around my guilt, it never goes away, so i deprive myself of things like love, friendship, comfort, meaningful experiences. all i'm allowed to do is go through the motions and errands of life and be on the internet. at least i'm a ray of sunshine when i'm out! that kind of keeps me going.. but yeah

my whole dream in life is to be a housewife: it's literally the two best things in the world; love and home. but every day i keep vowing to never do more and more things, such as:

1. never date

2. give up on dreams

3. never make another best friend

4. never join another friend group

5. stay as far away from family as possible no matter what

6. never go to locations where i might see someone i've hurt, and if i have to go there i have to keep watch and hide if i see them.

and the fact that i'm going to be gone in roughly 1-3 years or maybe less has me thinking about all of the things i've already had my lasts of.

i've had my last time having sex, my last kiss, my last cuddle, my last friend group...

unless maybe someone on here could befriend me so they could abuse me? give me some karma?

am i the quiet kind now?

hi! i'm working on a SM64 style project with paintings that can be jumped in, and i want to add my own paintings! i tried following a tutorial to make my own pack, and i've been trying for hours, but it just won't work. i just want a resource pack where i can easily switch the PNGs into the pictures i want, that's it. help :(

i'm on java 26.2

i need help, and my account is too new to post on the actual ocd sub. i've been an emotional terrorist. just absolutely destroying everyone around me. genuinely abusive behavior. anxious attachment. think BPD, look at r/bpdlovedones and that's me. a lot of people in my life say i'm fine and i didn't hurt them - for example my siblings told me i didn't traumatize them (they're wrong, they're just too young to get it (17 and 19)), but they're either lying to me because they're scared or they for some reason don't understand that they should be hurt.

this will never go away. i will be stuck with this for the rest of my life. there's only one way to make it go away and i don't have access to the things i would need to do that.

My Reddit Required Specific Recovery Goal I Am Working On: i ignore it as best as i can but honestly it dictates my entire life