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u/ilikesidehugs

r/comedyheaven r/4Runner r/Charlottesville r/3rdGen4Runner r/cleanjokes r/LexusGX r/okbuddyRVA r/CrackheadCraigslist r/dankmemes r/Jokes r/dadjokes
▲ 630 r/dadjokes

My wife and I are renovating our kitchen. She went on and on about why we must use marble for the island. “It’s timeless, it adds value, and every slab is unique.” I said, “Well, I say granite is better because it looks pretty cool.” She goes, “Pretty cool? That’s all you have to say about it?”

I stood there in silence, not knowing what else to say because that was my best counterargument.

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u/ilikesidehugs — 2 days ago
▲ 46 r/4Runner

Forgot I had this prized possession until I started setting up my home office.🏆

u/ilikesidehugs — 2 days ago
▲ 32 r/cleanjokes

This morning I was telling my kids about all my childhood pets. I had a turtle named AL, two rabbits both named AL, my dog AL, and three cats: AL, AL, and AL. I begged my parents for another few pets, but they refused. My son piped up, “No duh! They knew you were collecting just to name them AL.”

I said, “Well, yeah… that’s the more AL of the story.”

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u/ilikesidehugs — 2 days ago
▲ 4 r/dadjokes

This morning I was telling my kids about all my childhood pets. I had a turtle named Al, two rabbits both named Al, my dog Al, and three cats: Al, Al, and Al. I begged my parents for another few pets, but they refused. My son piped up, “No duh! They knew you were just gonna keep naming them Al.”

I said, “Well, yeah… that’s the more Al of the story.”

reddit.com
u/ilikesidehugs — 3 days ago
▲ 44 r/dadjokes

My wife said, “It’s impossible to get anywhere arguing with you because you’re such a contrarian!”

I said, “That’s not true!!”

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u/ilikesidehugs — 7 days ago
▲ 3 r/dadjokes

When I was held up at gunpoint, I begged, “Please don’t hurt me!…I’m a man of the cloth.” The guy said, “Oh, so you’re a priest?”

I said, “no, I sell bedsheets.“

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u/ilikesidehugs — 8 days ago
▲ 306 r/dadjokes

When the nurse said she’d be back with my flu vaccine, I asked if I could have it with the lights off. She said, “Um… I’ll have to check if we’re allowed to do that.”

I said, “Thanks. I know it’s a shot in the dark.”

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u/ilikesidehugs — 9 days ago
▲ 116 r/dadjokes

I just found out that my father’s will says that if he’s ever hospitalized, I get to decide where he goes on the stretcher.

Apparently, that gives me power of a gurney.

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u/ilikesidehugs — 10 days ago
▲ 53 r/dadjokes

At the grocery store, I showed my wife the fried chicken I grabbed for dinner. She said, “Great, can you get a side?”

I said, “Sure!” and moved slightly to the left.

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u/ilikesidehugs — 11 days ago
▲ 0 r/dadjokes

I asked my wife if she thought Big Ben and King Kong had anything in common. She’s like, “Um.. no?”

I said, “What about that big ol’ dong?”

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u/ilikesidehugs — 12 days ago
▲ 97 r/dadjokes

I absolutely nailed my audition to play Quasimodo at Disney World. Unfortunately, they didn’t hire me…

I didn’t pass the back round check.

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u/ilikesidehugs — 12 days ago
▲ 29 r/dadjokes

I thought for sure I’d be hired after I nailed my interview at a psychic’s office.

But apparently I didn’t pass the foreground check.

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u/ilikesidehugs — 13 days ago
▲ 843 r/dadjokes

I found my physics professor face down on his desk crying before class. I put my hand on his shoulder and asked, “Hey, what’s the matter?”

He looked up at me and said, “Anything that has mass and takes up space.”

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u/ilikesidehugs — 14 days ago