u/iloveshnarks

Hello! I'm very new to the study of alchemy, but I'm absolutely loving what I'm learning so far. Where should I start studying? I'll take recommendations for YouTube channels, podcasts, books, articles, periods of history, etc. :)

I've self harmed on and off since I was 12. I was 5 years clean until the end of last year because of a really, really devastating medical event in my life. I've been on and off since then. I relapsed a few days ago due to a massive PTSD attack that my boyfriend watched me suffer through. It was one of the worst ones I've had in a long, long time. I was choking on my own tears in his arms. I almost never cry in front of him. Or anyone, for that matter. The situation was so bad that it pushed me over the edge, and I relapsed. He always finds out sooner or later, and I don't even know why I bother trying to hide. I'm extremely mentally unstable. I have quiet BPD, severe depression/anxiety, and a lot of other problems (including physical health issues). I feel bad that he's stuck with someone who's in constant mental and physical agony. It's probably fucking exhausting for him. Anyway, I didn't mean to get sidetracked. Back to the point. When I talked to him about relapsing the other day, he said, "Do I need to watch you? Do I need to call out of work?" He sounded annoyed. I was trying to explain to him what my brain puts me through during those moments, and all he could say was, "Cut that shit out, I'm serious." Obviously, I told him it wasn't that simple and that if you've never been through that, you wouldn't get it. He said, "I've harmed myself before." Which made me really sad because I didn't know he had been through that, but also because if he had gone through that, then he of all people should understand me and what happened. It really hurt me that he got annoyed and felt he needed to treat me like a troublesome child. He always says, "I'm not disappointed or mad," but he CLEARLY is. I wish I wasn't addicted to this bullshit. It's so hard to stop. All I'm doing is destroying myself and everyone around me. That's probably what I secretly want because I think I deserve to feel the agony. I am actively in therapy, but the addiction mindset is just a whole other kind of beast. I hate that my boyfriend just finds it annoying and is so exhausted that he can't find any sympathy for me. I fucking hate myself for doing that to him. I probably deserve that kind of reaction, but I can't help but feel frustrated with the responses he gave me. He knows I'm getting help and trying to better myself. Idk I'm just tired of myself and the whole thing. If you read this all the way through, thanks for listening <3

There's so many good ones, but my favorite comes from Ellis (tbh I think most of the funniest lines come from him lol)

"I'm gettin' so mad, I could shit a squealin' worm, man!"

I read mainstream horror and extreme horror. Now, I've read a bit too much extreme horror and body horror lately that I just want something new and different. I love ghosts, things that go bump in the night, and urban legends. I wanna be left absolutely terrified. Not grossed out or incredibly disturbed, but I wanna be scared enough that I feel like I have to sleep with the lights on, jump at every little noise, and be left scared of my closet or mirrors. I want THAT kind of book. It takes a lot to shake me, so hit me with your best books!

That was truly the most disgusting book I've ever read in my entire life and I hated every fucking second of it (which is a great thing in this genre lol). I did enjoy it because it really pushed the limits of what you can imagine. Plus, it was EXTREMELY descriptive. I definitely don't recommend eating any time before, during, or after this book. I'm not gonna eat dairy for the next fucking month, honestly. I've read some horrible and truly vile shit, but that book just blew everything else out of the water. The authors note at the end was super funny, though. If you're looking to never look at cheese the same way again or traumatize yourself, I would definitely read it.

I've been into extreme horror for a couple of years now, and I've kind of run out of stuff to watch and read. Now, there's certain movies I will not touch with a 50 ft pole. Things that rely on cheap and drawn-out sexual violence with no plot. I want something in a book/movie that's gonna leave me absolutely traumatized, but I'll still be able to appreciate the message of the story or appreciate other things about it. A bitch is on a budget here, so I'm mainly looking for free stuff. I've read Tender is the Flesh, Brainwyrms, Things Have Gotten Worse Since We Last Spoke, Woom, and The Troop (although, that one didn't disturb me as much as other things. Still a good book, though.) I've watched Grotesque (which kind of sucked), Sergoi Prakov (definitely recommend that to anyone who hasn't watched it), Martyrs, The Human Centipede trilogy, Tusk, etc. I will not watch movies like A Serbian Film. I know that one is super famous, but I draw the line at things with children or animal cruelty. Does anyone have ANY recommendations? I'm bored and desperate to dive into a movie or book

My boyfriend knows about my history with self-harm. I started when I was 12 and quit at around 14. I was clean for over 5 years. I'm almost 20 now. The end of last year was an extremely low point in my life. I have several chronic illnesses that cause me a lot of pain and discomfort in everyday life. Summer last year, I found a medication that FINALLY worked. I was able to do things again. I had to go off of it in November because the medication tried to kill my liver, which was a reaction that happens in less than 1% of patients. I was so distraught by how incredibly unlucky that was. Honestly, I'm still not over it. I relapsed in November last year because I just couldn't handle the physical and mental pain of coming off the meds. From that point on, my life has just been a complete downward spiral. Getting diagnosed with new health conditions, being denied medication that could help me, and I'm moving states tomorrow. So, you could say I'm really stressed out. I'd been clean since April. I was doing so, so, well. The stress of moving got to me. The physical pain of packing, the mental stress of getting new doctors, etc. I crumbled under the weight of it all. My boyfriend and I are moving in together tomorrow. We have a great relationship. He's been with me through literally everything. When I've relapsed in the past, he's kissed every single scar and cut I have. He always tells me that there's absolutely nothing I could do to make him love me any less and to always come talk to him when I'm having urges. I've tried my best to respect that, but I feel this crushing sensation of guilt. I'm a lot to handle. I experience severe depression due to my physical condition (and because of genetics), I'm in constant pain, I'm never doing well, I vent more than I should to him, and he has to bear the burden that is me when I relapse. I feel. So. Fucking. Guilty. I wish I could just be a convincing liar so he wouldn't have to worry, but at the same time, I feel awful lying to him. He wants to know, but part of me is convinced that he's internally rolling his eyes and getting sick of me. Do I tell him I relapsed again last night and today? Or do I just lie to keep the peace? This was mostly a venting post, but I'm open to any advice on if I should tell him or not. If I should tell him, what do I say?

After 2 years of being diagnosed with UCTD, they updated my diagnosis to SLE. My antibody count is really low, so they honestly questioned the whole autoimmune diagnosis for a bit. They put me on benlysta because they eventually decided my symptoms were WAY too severe and obvious. I'm also allergic to hydroxychloroquine (had a reaction that's so rare that most doctors will go their entire careers without seeing it). And azathioprine made me incredibly sick. I have no idea why my blood work is so atypical, but my symptoms are so bad. Has anyone else had that happen? They diagnosed me with SLE finally because they looked at my symptoms and just kind of went "Well, what the hell else could it be?" 😭

I'm seeing mixed reviews on them, but I LOVE blue coconut flavored anything, so I just wanna know what y'all think before I order anything. Do you guys have a favorite or least favorite summer drink?

I had my very first benlysta infusion today. It was VERY boring. I'm glad it was boring. It means I'm not dying lol. What kinds of side effects did you guys experience and how long did they take to kick in? Right now my arm is sore and I'm a little tired. Nothing else, yet

Super nervous for this infusion. I'm scared of the side effects. I never fail to be the rare/severe side effect statistic. What should I expect? What side effects did you guys have?

I'm absolutely dying without the AC. What do I do?! Do you guys have any tips to stay cool? I'm practically covered in ice packs and it's not enough. The nausea is killing me and the heat gave me a horrible migraine. I'll take any and all recommendations.

(They didn't end up finding endometriosis during the surgery. However, they DID find some really severe pelvic congestion syndrome. I already knew I had that and the varicose veins along my bladder, but they ended up discovering the varicose veins were literally all over my pelvic floor. The veins were really big and engorged with blood. No doubt that's what's causing a lot of my pelvic pain. I still think the endo could be hiding somewhere, though.)

I'm having a diagnostic surgery in 3 weeks. She said even if they don't find endometriosis, they're gonna switch out my IUD because the Mirena might just be a poor fit for me. She's switching it to a Kyleena. What do you guys think of it?

I'm chronically ill, stuck in bed most of the time, and really have nothing better to do than binge a show. I just finished Orange is the New Black, which I LOVED, and I also finished The Residence. I'm looking for something very captivating without too much drama. I do like drama, but I don't wanna be bawling my eyes out constantly. I'm a huge fan of thrillers, horror, action, comedy, etc. I'll take any recommendations!