u/jazzeriah

My time as a SAHD has evolved to this. My wife has me do everything. I get I am the homefront. But I didn't check when report cards are issued electronically from our kids' school and alert my wife the day it happened? That's on me. It’s the end of the school year. The report cards get issued then.

House isn't in a basically professional clean state? That's on me. I have not been able to keep up with the entire house for some time, although dishes are always done, kitchen always clean, laundry always done, floors, surfaces, etc., but things like the kids' socks aren't always sorted, the toys are a mess in the little kids' room, etc., apparently *all* of that is on me. It’s unmanageable for one single person. I wouldn’t also get the grocery shopping, food prep, random errands, returns, etc., done.

We’re also moving. I’ve been managing two households for months. Driving an hour plus each way there to deal with things and get back in time for school pickup.

I'm also the sole driver. The only logistics coordinator. The only timekeeper. The only chef. The food parent. 98% of the time the only grocery store / errand runner. I could literally run a small hotel at this point.

We had a very stressful day today; my wife was MAD at me all day because a 2 1/2 hour round trip drive to where we're moving in a month wasn't possible by the time she was ready to leave after a work call and what she wanted to do in the house AND make it back in time for the last day of school pick up where there's a celebration for the 5th graders (my oldest) since they are graduating from elementary school.

I told my wife point blank once we set off for this journey we wouldn't make it back in time. She was livid.

Later tonight, she said I never got a job! Anything! I didn't do anything to get a job outside the home. I told her I barely ever even went to the gym and all my time was spent either helping her or our kids or taking care of all household tasks and any free time was literally spent grocery store runs, bringing a forgotten item to my wife at work (her work ID, happened multiple times), making an extra trip to the kids' school for something, doing all tasks and errands and basically acting as my wife's personal assistant (helping with expense reports, making lunch reservations, etc.) These are all manageable tasks, but my God, if I literally went and got any job, some other person would have had to take over my multiple "jobs" here at home.

How do you even begin to deal with it?

ETA: Kids are 5/8/10.

My time as a SAHP has evolved to this. My wife has me do everything. I get I am the homefront. But I didn't check when report cards are issued electronically from our kids' school? That's on me. House isn't in a basically professional clean state? That's on me. I have not been able to keep up with the entire house for sometime, although dishes are always done, kitchen always clean, laundry always done, floors, surfaces, etc., but things like the kids' socks aren't sorted, the toys are a mess in the little kids' room, etc., apparently *all* of that is on me.

I'm also the sole driver. The only logistics coordinator. The only timekeeper. The only chef. The food parent. 98% of the time the only grocery store runner. I could literally run a small hotel at this point.

We had a very stressful day today; my wife was MAD at me all day because a 2 1/2 hour round trip drive to where we're moving in a month wasn't possible by the time she was ready to leave after a work call and what she wanted to do in the house AND make it back in time for the last day of school pick up where there's a celebration for the 5th graders (my oldest) since they are graduating from elementary school.

I told my wife point blank once we set off for this journey we wouldn't make it back in time. She was livid.

Later tonight, she said I never got a job! Anything! I didn't do anything to get a job outside the home. I told her I barely ever even went to the gym and all my time was spent either helping her or our kids or taking care of all household tasks and any free time was literally spent grocery store runs, bringing a forgotten item to my wife at work (her work ID, happened multiple times), making an extra trip to the kids' school for something, doing all tasks and errands and basically acting as my wife's personal assistant (helping with expense reports, making lunch reservations, etc.) These are all manageable tasks, but my God, if I literally went and got any job, some other person would have had to take over my multiple "jobs" here at home.

How do you even begin to deal with it?

How would you go about resetting meal times given this situation?

My kids (8 & 10) barely eat breakfast. Something small. Fine. I pack them lunch for school and a snack. They frequently don’t eat that much at school and thus are starving when I pick them up in the afternoon.

I then have hot food for them in the late afternoon because they absolutely need it at this point.

Because of this, dinner is later, not 6:00 pm. Not 6:30 pm. My kids are then hungry for dinner later at like 8:00 pm or whatever.

I am convinced this is all because of lunch being non-existent at school.

This week is the last week of school. After this, I am absolutely resetting this horrible pattern. Then their dinner will be earlier and bedtime will be earlier.

What is the best way to do this? Any and all suggestions are welcomed and appreciated.

I know, the parents set the bedtime, have her in her room lights low, quiet, etc. But what do you do when your child literally doesn’t go to sleep at night?

Dads, I could really use some advice.

I have three kids: 10, 8, and 5. My 10 year old has become incredibly hard to get to bed. It feels like she has no ability to shift into quiet mode at night, especially if she has had screen time earlier in the day. Roblox/YouTube seem to completely wire her brain.

The pattern lately is getting worse. We’ll do a full day — school, activities, dinner, bath/hair/teeth, younger kids to bed — and then my 10 year old will still be awake at 11, sometimes midnight.

It didn’t help my kids just had a four-day weekend from school (two admin days tacked on to a regular weekend).

She roams the apartment, turns lights on, looks for devices, asks for music, wants food, tries to get into her sisters’ rooms, and sometimes wakes them up after they’re finally asleep.

Last night I had taken all the screens away and hidden them. No movie, no YouTube, no Roblox, no late night food. I calmly held the line.

I got my younger two down. Then my 10 year old came into the room where my 8 year old was basically asleep, got into bed with her, woke her up, and wanted to play.

When I removed her from the room and told her she couldn’t wake her sister, she screamed and slammed the door. Extremely hard. A small bit of wood chipped off the top of the door. What the actual fuck.

Another night she was still up after midnight with almost every light on in the apartment, searching closets, probably looking for a device. I kept waking up to shut lights off and tell her she had to go to bed. Eventually she brushed her teeth and went to sleep, but by then my sleep was destroyed too.

I’m not trying to make this sound like she’s “bad.” I know she’s 10. I know kids struggle with transitions. But this is becoming unsustainable. It feels like she keeps “restarting the house” after everyone else is trying to shut down.

We have her pediatrician well visit coming up and I’m planning to bring this up: sleep drift, screen dysregulation, possible anxiety/ADHD/executive function stuff, and how to actually reset this.

For dads who have dealt with this: what worked?

Hard screen cutoff?
No Roblox on school nights?
Devices physically locked away?
Bedroom rules?
Earlier wake time/morning light?
Melatonin only with doctor guidance?
Behavior chart/consequences?
Something else?

I’m exhausted and I need a real plan, not just “be more consistent,” because I’m trying to be consistent and the house is still getting hijacked at night.

Between the towing, the fencing, the barricades, the police presence, and the road closures, the neighborhood currently resembles a prison yard designed by urban planners. Just trying to walk four blocks without feeling like I’m attempting a border crossing…

My wife is with the kids (10/8/5) on Sunday morning in the other room. She says she’s going to get a coffee. Kids are playing. Then she asks me to make her a coffee. She told the kids we’re going to get muffins and bagels. Now I’m making her the coffee. Kids are getting ready. Wife has asked 10 to read so 10 is first reading and then abandons that. Next thing that happens is my wife is in the bedroom, on her work laptop, now getting something done for work. Now she has said not to let the kids go near her while she gets the work done.

I am convinced there is no possible way other parents function like this. Wouldn’t most parents either be on as a parent or say, I need 30 minutes this morning while other parent does X with the kids so I can get a work task done?

Now wife is working, kids are playing but we’re all basically in limbo.

It’s just mind boggling.

Honestly are any other parents like this?

Update: I could not find this guy online. He’s 74 years old, many people with his name appear, and he’s not on any socials or LinkedIn. I asked the one doorman building on the block where I found the wallet and he didn’t know the guy.

Looking behind his ID, I found a current temporary DMV document, same name and address. I wrote a note and mailed it with his wallet in a padded mailer back to him.

Booked my wife a massage since she never got to get one over Mothers Day Weekend. Took my kids to the playground. Wife's only request was sunscreen the kids beforehand. We arrive at the playground. 10 and 5 are sunscreened and hop over to the playground.

My middle (8) wouldn't cooperate, so before getting out of the car, I gently sunscreened her face, telling her we had to do it, it was a very hot day, etc., while she continually yelled and screamed about it, naturally.

I sunscreen her face, we get out, she's now happy to be on the playground with her sisters and I see these grandparents with two grandkids and the grandmother is holding an iPhone, and in my mind I'm half like, watch her call this in. We're in the middle of nowhere. They never said anything to me and they left shortly thereafter.

Kids are happy, I'm finally alone with them on the playground, no issues, until maybe 20 minutes later a police car shows up. He asked who I was and knew my first name, I assumed he just ran my plates since my car was literally the only one in the parking lot. He asked if everything was okay and said there was a report of a child screaming and being forced into a car.

I told him I was actually putting sunscreen on my 8-year-old’s face and that’s what the screaming was and his entire expression just dropped, like, oh my God, this is what I got called here for.

I said the one thing my wife told me to do was sunscreen the kids before the playground. I followed up by saying no one was getting into the car, we were actually getting out of the car. The cop was like, yeah, of course, he’s got three kids, they’re all on the playground with him here, they just got here. I was actually still holding the sunscreen.

He apologized more than once. I said no worries at all, he was just doing his job, better safe than sorry. I apologized he was even called out here (since there was clearly nothing wrong). He said for some reason you just can’t parent girls these days without someone calling the cops on you. He was nice to us. Upon arriving, he clearly saw there were zero issues. He wished us all a good day.

Later my 10 year old told me that grandmother asked her when she went over to the playground if everything was alright and my daughter said yes, my dad is just putting sunscreen on my sister.

So the grandmother saw my 10 and 5 year olds enter the playground. I’m nearby at the car, doors open, my 8 year old is yelling, she asks my ten year old what’s going on and my daughter accurately describes what’s happening and she calls the cops anyway to say a child is being forced into a car?

My only other thought here is she made the phone call prior to asking my ten year old anything.

But the screaming while I sunscreened the face of my eight year old only lasted for maybe 1-2 minutes if that, then we were on the playground as well. I walked right by the grandparents and the two kids as they were leaving. The grandmother could have just asked me.

Anyway, wow.

Our mornings are absolute chaos and I genuinely feel like there has to be a better system than whatever we’re doing.

We have three girls (10, 8, and 5) in NYC, and we walk 20 minutes to school every morning. My 10-year-old somehow gets up the latest but can mobilize like a Navy SEAL once she decides it’s time to move.

Meanwhile, my 8-year-old and 5-year-old get completely sidetracked by random nonsense. Today it was a tiny toy they were both obsessing over and arguing about while I’m trying to get everyone out the door.

Eventually I step in and say, “The toy stays here. We’re leaving.” Cue immediate emotional fallout.

Now my 8-year-old is devastated because she wanted the toy for recess, dragging herself dramatically through Manhattan for 20 minutes while my 10-year-old is marching ahead asking why we’re late. We were already late before departure.

We finally get to school and I realize at the school office my 5-year-old’s backpack is still in the apartment.

So now I’m dropping everyone off late, going back home to retrieve a backpack because our morning launch sequence completely collapsed.

Parents of 3+, seriously: What are your systems/tips/tricks for getting kids out the door in the morning without it turning into a hostage negotiation combined with an evacuation drill?

What actually works?

Our mornings are absolute chaos and I genuinely feel like there has to be a better system than whatever we’re doing.

We have three girls (10, 8, and 5) in NYC, and we walk 20 minutes to school every morning. My 10-year-old somehow gets up the latest but can mobilize like a Navy SEAL once she decides it’s time to move.

Meanwhile, my 8-year-old and 5-year-old get completely sidetracked by random nonsense. Today it was a tiny toy they were both obsessing over and arguing about while I’m trying to get everyone out the door.

Eventually I step in and say, “The toy stays here. We’re leaving.” Cue immediate emotional fallout.

Now my 8-year-old is devastated because she wanted the toy for recess, dragging herself dramatically through Manhattan for 20 minutes while my 10-year-old is marching ahead asking why we’re late. We were already late before departure.

We finally get to school and I realize at the school office my 5-year-old’s backpack is still in the apartment.

So now I’m dropping everyone off late, going back home to retrieve a backpack because our morning launch sequence completely collapsed.

Dads of 3+, seriously: What are your systems/tips/tricks for getting kids out the door in the morning without it turning into a hostage negotiation combined with an evacuation drill?

What actually works?

Can this scenario possibly be anyone else’s life? I cannot even imagine it is. You do stuff all day long, task after task, manage everything, help your kids, do the drop-offs and pick-ups and everything in-between and run your errands and household and help your spouse with tasks because they’re overloaded at work and then at the end of the day for once you’re making frozen pizza and pasta and suddenly from your wife it’s “you didn’t make a protein! You didn’t wash the kids’ hair like you were supposed to do yesterday! When are you going to do that??! The smell from the pizza in the oven is terrible!!! Did you read with our 8 y/o today??? What are you doing????”

This is while my wife is present but somehow trying to get work or emails done on her laptop.

Somehow in my mind there is no possible way this or any similar scenario plays out in any other SAHP’s home.

It’s just not possible. I absolutely hate how overloaded my life has become and how in the evening this has happened before - wife also overloaded - no recourse - somehow still trying to get work done - both parents exhausted - yet somehow one is losing her mind over half a dozen open items in that moment and suddenly, out of the blue, while you thought at that point you were managing every single thing fairly well, it’s the world’s biggest problem.

chauffeur
chef
nutritionist
scheduler
teacher
repair person
hair stylist
emotional regulator
bedtime coordinator
grocery logistics manager
errand runner
activity coordinator
household operations manager

Can this scenario possibly be anyone else’s life? I cannot even imagine it is. You do stuff all day long, task after task, manage everything, help your kids, do the drop-offs and pick-ups and everything in-between and run your errands and household and help your spouse with tasks because they’re overloaded at work and then at the end of the day for once you’re making frozen pizza and pasta and suddenly from your wife it’s “you didn’t make a protein! You didn’t wash the kids’ hair like you were supposed to do yesterday! When are you going to do that??! The smell from the pizza in the oven is terrible!!! Did you read with our 8 y/o today??? What are you doing????”

This is while my wife is present but somehow trying to get work or emails done on her laptop.

Somehow in my mind there is no possible way this or any similar scenario plays out in anyone other SAHP’s home.

It’s just not possible. I absolutely hate how overloaded my life has become and how in the evening this has happened before - wife also overloaded - no recourse - somehow still trying to get work done - both parents exhausted - yet somehow one is losing her mind over half a dozen open items in that moment and it’s the world’s biggest problem.

Isn’t it weird to identify yourself based on the gender of your child/ren?