u/justb4dawn

I just had my 6th euploid FET fail today. Dark times. The first 2 didn’t really count because the embryos were damaged. 1st after that was a fail to implant. Found and treated endometritis. 2nd was immune protocol w/ aspirin resulted in MMC at 8 weeks. 3 was immune protocol and failed to implant. 4th (this last one) was modified natural for the first time with immune protocol, also failed to implant.

I have one embryo left and then I will be childless. I don’t have the options for adoption/donor egg/embryo. For complicated reasons an ex lap or suppression are not good options for me. My doctor feels like another natural cycle is the best option. I kind of agree. I feel that I need to be done. My life is ruined, my body is unrecognizable, I hate myself, I have suicidal thoughts, use self injury to manage and I have chronic pain that I can’t get the procedure for until fertility treatment is done. I do all the psych meds and therapy 2-3x/week. I have supportive family/friends. I have to stop but I don’t want to regret not doing enough.

I guess I’m hoping someone has had success after all this just by keeping trying. I can’t do a new extra treatment or spend more money. But it would be so helpful to not go in completely hopeless. I want to believe this could still be the one. It is a 5AB euploid.

I’ve had several friends and family members tell me recently that stress is affecting my outcomes and I need to decrease my stress during this (6th) FET cycle. I already go to therapy, take meds, have a hobby I love. I know cortisol is not good for my body but I am still scared about the pain of another failure or facing a life without a child. I don’t know how to turn off these fears and be super calm and relaxed anymore.

TLDR: Afraid my stress over IVF is making it fail. ):

2 years ago, I had a batch of euploid embryos that struggled to thaw. Two 6BCs degraded on thaw and one 6CC died, both day 6. Then my next retrieval my embryos were higher grades, no Cs and both of them thawed. A 3rd retrieval, the embryo thawed it was an 6AB.

I am about to do a 6th transfer from a 4th retrieval of a 6CC euploid embryo and I am literally petrified it will not thaw. We are not doing more retrievals. I am inconsolable and having flashbacks and nightmares about the two transfers of C embryos, and how the CC died.

If anyone can help me get through this and not be so scared I could really appreciate it. I am having a hard time functioning.

I left the peds ED after 7yrs thinking I wanted something away from bedside, better hours, less intensity.

Well, I’ve been a school nurse for a year now and while I love my kids, I am so bored, I miss using my skills and the feeling of doing hard, meaningful work. I remember being yelled at, the raw humanity that no one would believe if they didn’t see it themselves, the fatigue, long shifts, etc.. but I have this feeling like that’s where I would still thrive the most.

Am I crazy to go back? Have others left for a softer job and missed it enough to return?

TW: Very sad feelings.

I wrote this last night and I thought it might resonate with some of you. I've read similar stuff here from other members that made me feel a little bit less alone so I thought maybe I could help someone else.

The hope. God, let Hope stop finding me. Leave me alone, lose my number, bother someone else. It is always clinging to me, pulling at my clothes and the edge of my mind. Without my permission Hope pulls me, drags me in. It is quicksand, an undertow. It comes with a fleeting breath of relief followed by a crashing tsunami of despair. Each time, I vow to never indulge in Hope again but then I find myself sneaking out the back door to meet it just one last time. I have onesies hanging in my closet. From the beginning when we were so sure of everything. Sometimes I take them out and hold them, feel the soft fabric under my fingertips, admire the sweet designs I imagined on a wriggling infant. Letting the future where I get to use them be real, for a moment. Maybe this next transfer will work. Maybe this embryo is my baby. A medicated cycle. An immune protocol. A natural cycle. Lupron. Letrozole. Acupuncture. CoQ10, NAD, Vitamin D. Maybe the next stupid thing anyone can think of. So Hope takes them from my hands and hangs the empty onesies back up in my closet.. in case. 

Why, why, why, why, why me? A useless question that plagues me. Sometimes it feels better to think, well, because you deserve it obviously. Because you are only eligible for destruction, never joy. Why not me. Of course, me. Always me. Luck flees from me, trauma comes to stay awhile.

The rage. There is a seething hate that hums under my skin. I'm too nice for it but it's there all the same. I feel like taking every single chair in my house and smashing it against the trees outside and then hurling each plate one by one onto the driveway. Take a sledgehammer to the cabinets and furniture. Light the house on fire and watch it burn to the ground. Destroy every single thing that dares to be whole when I am broken.

I am chained to a desire that it seemed like an inevitability. I placed the handcuffs on my own wrists but I've lost the keys. Please, help me look. 

Guys, I have had a long journey. I’m nearing the end with only two embryos left and I just need some words of kindness and hope to get through.

A summary of my story:

First egg retrieval, 3 euploids.

1st transfer, embryo only thaws 20% - fails to implant.

2nd transfer, 1 embryo dies on thaw, last embryo only thaws 20% again - fails to implant.

2nd retrieval, 2 euploids.

3rd transfer - fails to implant.

We did a hysteroscopy next and I was positive for endometritis. 1st course of antibiotics fails, 2nd course works. Next transfer cycle canceled for poor lining.

4th transfer, implants and miscarries at 8wks.

Back to the drawing board. I do 2 back to back retrievals (#3 & 4) this spring, 3 euploids.

5th transfer last month - fails to implant.

This is where we are now, 3y after we started. Plan was to do lupron suppression before transfer #6.

On Monday, I had another hysteroscopy/biopsy. When prepping me for the procedure, the nurse finds recent cuts on me that I admit was self harm. I have been feeling very hopeless and lonely, hurting myself deal with the pain. I’m a pediatric nurse of 13y, I love children, it’s my biggest dream to have a child. It never occurred to me I would struggle this way. So, some days I don’t want to wake up anymore and I hate myself now.

My doctor met with us yesterday due to my self injury she is worried about my mood during suppression and does not feel convinced I need it. So we are planning to do a modified natural transfer with immune protocol next month. All previous transfers have been fully medicated. If it fails we will reconsider suppression before my very last embryo.

If you made it this far, thank you so much for hearing me out. I feel so alone and I am crying writing this. I just want to enter this new transfer cycle with some hope instead of just fear of more pain and thought maybe someone could help me here. I’d love to hear stories of success after a journey like this, any positive encouragement or anything that helped you survive

Just finished an All Stars rewatch and I remember liking Kathy the first time around but this time I find her such a hypocritical jerk. She talked so much trash about Sue being emotional and “dragging everyone into her feelings”, then she turns around and has a breakdown over Lex getting voted out. Then at FTC she cries about how betrayed she feels, etc… Sue had a real reason to be upset about what happened with Hatch on national TV, and Kathy is crying her little heart out over being voted out of a game where you have to, you know, *vote people out* ?

How was this received in real time?

I’m 3dp5dt of my 5th FET, last transfer ended in 8wk MMC. I keep having this feeling like it didn’t work and looking to see if anyone else just *knew* their transfer or IUI didn’t work but then it did?

It is a fully medicated transfer so I know all symptoms are from the medications but I had different symptoms last time which is convincing me more that it didn’t work. 😭

I am experiencing painful bloating from estrace. This is my 7th medicated cycle 🫠 so you’d think I’d be used to it but every cycle has had some variation in side effects and either this is worse or I am just over it. We are doing natural after this if it doesn’t work but our last was a miscarriage of a medicated FET so we’re trying it one more time.

Any tips, tricks, ideas? Did anything ease this pain for anyone?

I am about 2 years post-op from a hip arthroscopy with labral tear repair with Dr. Wolff and honestly it's the best thing I ever did. I had terrible pain, could barely sit or stand before surgery despite 6 months of PT and cortisone injections. It took about a year after surgery to really feel like I was completely recovered to be real with you, but now I can trust my hip 100% and have never felt the pain I had pre-op since the day of surgery. Last Friday I was babysitting my niece and swinging on the swings and it didn't even occur to me to worry about jumping off the swing or picking up my niece, helping her on the monkey bars, etc..

Just wanted to throw some hope out there for you all because I felt really anxious before surgery and worried that I would never be able to run, jump and lift things again without pain. 10/10 would do it again in a heartbeat.

Edit: Happy to answer any questions about the process, rehab or Dr. Wolff's team!

My 12 month old yellow lab became so fearful all of a sudden! She has been a happy, confident, curious pup since we got her at 12 weeks and we came home from a walk and it’s like she’s scared of the house? She won’t enter certain rooms and generally much more timid. I read about fear periods in adolescent dogs and it seems like that’s what we’re going through.

Wondering if anyone else has dealt with this and how it went? Any tips? It’s making me so sad to see my happy girl like this!

Help! My 12mo lab developed a random fear of our grill. Acting totally fine yesterday, we went for a normal walk through our neighborhood and came home and she won’t go anywhere near the side of our house with the grill. Like not any of the rooms on that side of the house of our porch, which is half our home.

We’ve had her since she was 12 weeks, she has no traumatic events at all in her life. She was fine before the walk and terrified after. Since it was Memorial Day I’m sure a ton of people were grilling outside in the neighborhood we walked through so maybe she smelled something scary and can smell our grill on that side of the house?

What do I do?? I read that teenage dogs can do this sometimes and then they can get over it in a few days but I don’t know how to help her.

Hi All, I am trying to get pregnant and looking to try to really lower the histamine in my diet but I like to cook.

I am already gluten & dairy free but I am overwhelmed by the list of foods that are high histamine. It feels like there is nothing left and I really need some solid nutrition to implant and support a pregnancy.

Anyone have recipes or better yet, a food blogger that uses low histamine and you know they’re pretty good?

I am about to start a transfer after 3 failures and a miscarriage. I am literally so scared I barely feel I can face it. The pain after the miscarriage really rocked me. I am going to do it because this is all I’ve ever wanted but I would love to feel less scared if I can.

Anyone have mantras? Sayings? Tips? Tricks?

Help me feel less anxious!!

I have to take flagyl for a uterine infection, there are no other options because the first course failed to eradicate it. I have taken it once before and it was awful and this time is the same but it was a long time ago and I don’t remember the details. I think it’s a big trigger for my MCAS because I am getting my typical symptoms like flushing, stomach pain, mouth sores, etc.. but I am also having a ton of new random symptoms like joint pain, fatigue, metallic taste, headache, mouth pain, that I can’t tease apart if MCAS or side effects.

1. My doctor has told me that I can increase my antihistamines with breakthrough symptoms, but I usually don’t because they are mild. Is this a time when that might

help?

2. Any positive stories about surviving this medicine. I just need some hope and encouragement that I can get through this.

Thanks everyone, super grateful to not feel alone in this frustrating disorder.

I’m a transgender man (39y) with a long 2.5y journey of trying to get pregnant through IVF. First 3 euploids damaged in the lab and only thawed 20% or died. Found out at transfer #1 & 2. Egg retrieval #2 - 2 euploids. Transfer #3, failed to implant. Found to have endometritis, took 2 rounds of antibiotics, 3 hysteroscopies over 3 months to clear it. Transfer #4 miscarried in Jan.

Previous to this I was on T for 7yrs, living stealth full time, recovered from a severe mental health problems I had before transition. Being on T relieved all my symptoms and I was calm, steady, happy, non-anxious or depressed for years.

So much of my body and mind is detransitioned now and the dysphoria causes indescribable suffering. Especially with the pregnancy I gained weight and my body shaped changed so much. My mental health struggle of feeling empty and anxious returned off T even worse now. I mostly pass but I can tell people know I’m trans. I have a beard but idk how long it will last.

We have 3 euploids from the last 2 ERs I just did. I had a hysteroscopy Friday now waiting to see if the endometritis is back from the d&c. I feel I can’t just walk away with 3 euploids but it is such a struggle and today is just one of those days where I cannot stop crying and wishing I could get out of this. I never imagined I’d be here, that it would take this long, that the dysphoria could live in me again like this.

I’m in therapy, I take meds, I got a hobby, I have supportive wife and best friend. But I am in pain all the time. Idk, just looking for some community support. Thanks for reading.