u/kathleenkellig

I was looking at my Facebook memories today and I saw that four years ago today was when we realized our cat Hugo was sick. I picked him up to hold him and he urinated all over me. We took him to the vet and that's when they told us he had fluid in and around his lungs. At first they advised us to euthanize him but I wanted to try to at least fight for him so they gave us some fluid and heart pills but unfortunately they didn't help him at all. If I could go back I would have opted to euthanize him when we found out because over the next five days he withered away. He lost so much weight and got so weak and it was the hardest thing I ever went through and had to watch. I swear I'm not being overdramatic when I say I think it gave me PTSD because with my cats now I'm so paranoid of something happening to them that I actually have anxiety attacks over it. He passed away on August 15, the night before we were going to get him euthanized because we realized he wasn't getting any better and we didn't want him to suffer anymore. He was only 3 years old. He was my everything and I still grieve over him every single day. I hope he knows just how much I loved him and how hard I fought for him. 😞 I almost lost my job because I missed so many days in a row and I financially screwed myself trying to make him better. Mama misses you so much, my beautiful and perfect orange boy

No judgment please, but when I was 14, I was very lonely and awkward and had no friends and no self esteem. One day I decided to make a profile on Tumblr but use the pictures of a girl who I thought was really pretty that I went to high school with and say they were me. All of a sudden I wasn't afraid to talk to people and I was making friends, even if they were only online. I NEVER did it to get money or attention from men. I just did it because I was lonely and didn't know how to talk to people in real life. I'm not making excuses, just being real.

Over the years it honestly started to feel like an addiction. I'd find myself going to the real girls Facebook profile constantly and hoping to see new pictures I could post. I felt powerful online in a way. People seemed to like me more when I was a pretty girl. I now know it was bad, but I was only talking to people, I never took anything from anyone or tried to form sexual relationships with men. That's how I justified it. But now I feel really embarrassed and ashamed by it, that's why I stopped.

About a month ago I realized I was finally happy with my self and my real life and I haven't logged into the fake accounts of hers in months that I made so many years ago and I couldn't remember the last time I went to her page and looked. I finally deleted all the fake profiles on Facebook and Discord and Twitter and even blocked the real girl on Facebook so I wouldn't be tempted to do it again. I feel a lot better now that that chapter of my life is over. It feels freeing too.

I have this friend that I'll call S. We met about a year ago at our job and became best friends. We would hang out outside of work and talk on the phone for hours. Well today she quit her job and won't tell me why and now is acting like she doesn't want to be friends anymore. My brain keeps racing now telling me that I did something to cause this when I know I didn't, I've been nothing but a good friend to her. I'm at work right now and all I want to do is cry because as you all know having BPD makes it hard to make friends and it was nice having one. I'm just sad. I just feel alone now.

We moved from Colorado in 2005 so I'm thinking about the early 2000s. We lived near Pinello Elementary School and I remember every year we'd go out on our balcony and watch the fireworks display coming from Fort Carson military base (do they still do this?). It was the best time as a kid. My twin brother and I would stay out there for hours just watching in awe. We live in Virginia now and there's nothing like it here, at least in the part of Virginia I'm in. Both of our parents are deceased now so I'm just reminiscing and also feeling a little sad. I would absolutely love to move back to Colorado Springs but I don't think I could afford it now. Those of you who are there, y'all are so lucky to live in such a beautiful and lively place. Happy fourth everyone 🎆💙

Don't take it the wrong way, I'm not mean towards the residents and I take the best care of them that I possibly can, but I have about had it with my coworkers and management. I'm tired of the favoritism, I'm tired of them accepting any resident they can when this is supposed to be assisted living and not a nursing home and then not giving us adequate staff, and I'm just tired of all the petty drama and bs. I also never cuss but this place makes me feel like I cuss like a sailor anymore and this place changes my whole mood. I feel absolutely miserable. I don't know if it's this place in particular or healthcare altogether but I know I need to leave this place. I have been here for 6+ years and I tried so hard to stick it out but I have had enough. My mental can't take anymore. The only reason I'm trying to stay is because I'm going through some health stuff and I need my medical insurance but I really can't take it here anymore. Idk what to do 🙁

Honestly the older I get the worse I feel my anxiety gets. I've been a CNA for 13+ years, I know this stuff like the back of my hand, yet I feel so full of anxiety tonight and I don't know why. I actually had to call out of work the last two nights because of it. I had to force myself to come in tonight. I know this will pass, it always does, but it's absolute hell and I feel so silly because there's no reason I feel anxious, I just do. I am so tired of dealing with the combative behaviors of my dementia residents and dealing with them, I'm tired of my coworkers and their drama, and just everything is giving me so much ridiculous anxiety. I just want to go home and hide in my bed and have no one bother me.

There's a vintage game store near where I live but all the games that I want are over $100 and I think that's ridiculous, but maybe I'm just cheap lol I have my old GameCube from when my brother and I were kids but all of our games were stolen except for maybe a few. It sucks, we used to have over 30 games