u/lifehelpbot69

I’m far down a hole. I don’t see a point in trying anymore. I sleep all day when allowed to. I don’t find joy in anything. No hobby, no satisfaction from accomplishments. As we speak, my friend is visiting me from out of town, but I can’t find it in me to do anything. We’re just sitting around, watching TV, etc. I don’t care about the TV at all. The TV is only on bc I’m not sure what to say or do with my friend, and he deserves entertainment. He came all the way here to vacation with me. It’s been planned for months. And I’m just… nothing. I feel weak, tired, blank. Lust for life is gone. At a loss for words.

Atp we have less than 24hrs before it’s over. I need motivation, need hope. I want to make his time here better. I tried getting up, I cleaned, I got us food, played music for good vibes, set up a game, even went to a bar yesterday. Halfway thru every attempt I was overcome with a need to sleep, no matter what time of day it is or how tired my body actually is. My brain is sleeping get a break from existing. I think this is happening because I have no hope. I tried talking to him about it and in the end, I felt even more confirmed that life is doomed.

Is there a shorter, more concise version of this stream? https://www.youtube.com/live/AiXiyLJz8-U?si=7AH0cI8OZmiJ5y\_9 “Dr K talks Meaning, Purpose, and Motivation”.

TDLR; Explains how existence requires survival, existence leads to a need for “truth” / “the ability to understand reality”. Obsessing over truth makes me obsess over if I can monetarily survive and be happy long-term. My logic (tainted by depression) tells me that I cannot survive. Not surviving equals dying. Implied death would be at my own hands, since I’d be miserable. See the pipeline? 😬 Why does Existence -> Survival -> Truth -> Death?

If my depressed brain perceives the world through a negatively biased lens, NOT thru an unfiltered lens, that must mean I could train my brain to perceive the world through a positive/happy/hopeful biased lens. “Delulu”, if you will. Right? And so why does my brain keep obsessing over truth, instead of becoming obsessed with doing the actions it takes to create change?

-

Your/my body’s #1 goal is to survive. Existence via means of evolution has ingrained this into our biology. We survive, we reproduce, we survive long enough to care for our offspring, repeat cycle.

We care about truth because truth is what’s real. If we can accurately understand and predict our reality, we are more likely to survive.

This is where the hiccup happens -> Let me explain. So, I am sad. I am depressed. I have been for a long time. I am afraid of many things and I believe there are many things I am incapable of. I feel defeated. However, I am technically physically capable. My perception of reality does not dictate my actual capabilities. I perceive that the “truth” is that I am dumb, incapable, unfit, too slow, too awkward, too confused, too overwhelmed by simple daily life, to meet my goals. Many of my goals are bare minimum, such as to become capable of sustaining myself financially long-term. Technically my body is capable of waking up in the morning, getting ready, going to college class, going to work, going to the store, going to visit friends. My mind does not feel capable of this. My perception says I’m doomed. I am not trying to be dramatic, I am trying to be logical. My logic and “sound reasoning” tells me that xyz factors + xyz feelings + xyz history of behavior = I have no long future. My brain obsesses over analyzing every detail in my life so it can come to the conclusion of whether or not my life is sustainable and worth the effort. That is my brain obsessing over “truth”. This “truth” leads to a humongous feeling of defeat, of doom, which could lead to an early death. I think the very brain that lets me live is what is causing me to die. I want to overcome this.

My sis basically thinks that he and I are a match made in heaven. And I see where she’s coming from, but it’s not totally correct. I feel uncomfortable socializing with him even tho he is trustworthy. Idk.

It’s hella hard for me to date. It’s not like I’m a femcel nor an asshole who can’t get a date, but rather, I’m just super uncomfortable/scared each time I get some. The pressure feels too high. Humans are confusing to interact with. I really dislike the mental strain of trying to figure people out while they look at me thru a romantic lens. Friendship is confusing, too, but not near as stressful. Every single damned time a person has been romantically interested in me, alarm bells go off in my head and I retreat. A man even wrote a song for me once, and even tho I loved his presence before, I suddenly couldn’t handle being around him. I don’t know why I am this way or how to overcome it.

I tried a few semi-dates with this 25M guy, and atp I’m too anxious to see him any time soon. It gets worse with each hang-out. He isn’t doing anything wrong. But I feel anxiety instead of happiness when around him. I feel guilty and conflicted for wanting to reject him, plus I feel worried that maybe I shouldn’t reject him bc he isn’t doing anything wrong. As of now, I told him that I need some time to myself to recharge my battery.

How do I even reject the guy? Most of my failed dates did not fail bc I outright rejected the people- but rather I liked the person as a human, but also felt uncomfortable with romance and revealing myself and making them happy, so I would accidentally slowly ghost them until they stopped texting me. I always intended to text back, yet failed to. I know that’s not cool of me. I just didn’t know what I wanted or how to reject someone if I wanted to. I need to learn. I don’t want to lead this new guy on. Help?

[TLDR: It’s easier for me to move on if I block him, but I still love the dude and I know he doesn’t deserve to be blocked when he’s been good to me. It’s just hard to stop thinking about texting him if he is unblocked. Blocking effectively deletes the option of texting him, therefore making me think about and stress about him less. It’s a mental thing. Is there a diff way for me to create that mentality?]

To be clear, I REALLY care for this guy, and I don’t want to cut him off. I trust him more than anyone else, which is a BIG deal. And I’ve been close to him for 4 yrs. But he’s not the healthiest for me, nor me for him. I want him to be more attentive and talkative, but that’s not in his nature due to his upbringing such as being raised in the foster system. He’s an introvert and has a very chill non-reactive personality, he’s happy to be alone, he functions well alone. But he does get lonely every so often and he seems to enjoy our friendship. Thing is, I want more interaction than he does, I want a type of connection that he doesn’t inherently understand how to do. He wasn’t taught that stuff growing up. It’s not my place to force him into becoming something he is not.

So basically, I think I need to reduce our interactions. We usually call daily, in which I do most of the talking. I’ve got ADHD and depression, so being on call helps me. I like that he’s willing to always answer the phone. It shows he cares. But I don’t think he rlly listens anymore, and he doesn’t have enough to say in reply. We’ve talked about that a lot, it’s not something he will change. I get insecure and doubtful. I get reactive. And then I think about it too much. It’s not healthy for me. I need to find a new best friend who is easier to get replies from. He knows me and accepts me better than anyone else does, and I really really value that- but now I want someone who relates to me too. I need it.

Blocking him would kill the itch to text him, but he doesn’t deserve to be blocked.

Other languages sound distinctly different, full of accent. 🤔 Like, certain tilts to their voices which are not present in American English. Different cadence, different voice modulation. Like how Hindi sounds so very Hindi. Mandarin sounds so very Mandarin. Does that make sense?

But Japanese sounds like American English (to me) except with a different mashup of letters. Like if an American English speaker kid were to make their own little language, their words would have an American accent (I used to do that haha). The cadence would be the same. Japanese sounds the same.

Thoughts?

Other languages sound distinctly different, full of accent. 🤔 Like, certain tilts to their voices which are not present in American English. Different cadence, different voice modulation. Like how Hindi sounds so very Hindi. Mandarin sounds so very Mandarin. Does that make sense?

But Japanese sounds like American English (to me) except with a different mashup of letters. Like if an American English speaker kid were to make their own little language, their words would have an American accent (I used to do that haha). The cadence would be the same. Japanese sounds the same.

Thoughts?

👁️👁️EDIT: P.S., I DONT mean it sounds the same when a native Japanese speaker speaks English. There is clearly an accent there, but I think that accent could be mostly due to things like Japan not using the “r” sound, etc. It’s just very easy for me to understand subtle emotion and attitude inflection (hence, cadence and voice modulation) in Japanese, but that’s not easy to me for other languages. Japanese just sounds very similar to English.

(To me) Other languages sound distinctly different, full of accent. 🤔 Like, certain tilts to their voices which are not present in American English. Different cadence, different voice modulation. Like how Hindi sounds so very Hindi. Mandarin sounds so very Mandarin. Does that make sense?

But Japanese sounds like American English except with a different mashup of letters. Like if an American English speaker kid were to make their own little language, their words would have an American accent (I used to do that haha). The cadence would be the same. Japanese sounds the same.

Thoughts?

EDIT: PS I DONT mean it sounds the same when a native Japanese speaker speaks English. There is clearly an accent there, but I think that accent could be mostly due to things like Japan not using the “r” sound, etc. It’s just very easy for me to understand subtle emotion and attitude inflection (hence, cadence and voice modulation) in Japanese, but that’s not easy to me for other languages. Japanese just sounds very similar to English.

I never hear people talk about slow processing speed. Please, I need someone out there to understand this, I feel confused and alone.

I’m diagnosed with a pretty significant impairment in processing speed. Aka I process things slower. “Processing Speed encompasses many components including perceptual, cognitive and output speed”. My thoughts, emotions, input, output- all of it is slower for me. If it takes you 1 second, it takes me 2. I’m constantly racing to keep up.

I feel like I live life on a different wavelength than other people. I spend so much time checking in with myself, my emotions, my thoughts- trying to access how well I am coping hour-to-hour as I live in a world that demands a speed much faster than I run. I HAVE to check in with myself, or I spiral and fall into a hole that is very difficult to get out of. I feel like a gear that needs to spin forward to keep up with time, but something else is tugging me backwards nearly all the time. I think that “something else” is my brain reminding me that there are many things I’ve missed (I missed bc I can’t take in as much information as other people can within a set amount of time). So I’m being torn two ways, trying to keep up with what I missed and with the present.

It’s exhausting.

And my ADHD wants dopamine.

And I’m often struggling and feeling disappointed.

I’m so tired of doing tasks. I’m so tired of trying to force myself to keep up with a world I can’t keep up with. I’m so tired of pushing this boulder uphill. I’m so tired of trudging on when my brain can’t let go of all the things I’ve missed. It’s so mentally straining, it takes so much effort guys. I can’t think half the time, anymore. I struggle to form thoughts.

And this never ending cycle makes me depressed.

I’m at trade school, unable to do the things I’ve learned in class. It’s humiliating. And it doesn’t really get better. It’s not like I’m ill, that tomorrow when I feel better I will perform better. No, I’m just slow always. It doesn’t end. I have to figure out how to live this way. I’m trying, I’m really trying and I’m making progress at learning to live this way, but it’s so hard. It’s humiliating.

Often My thoughts freeze up. Cognitive freeze. I get into a state where I’m literally unable to process any input. I won’t be able to read, or understand what you say to me. You could ask me to do something very very simple like sweep the floor, but I’ll just stand there dumbly bc I can’t remember what a sweep or a floor is, even if you hand me a broom. This is making me fail school and I even lost my job.

Help

[This post is not advocating for drug use.]

I’ve been listening to people talk about their experiences with substance use, and I can’t help but wonder in what ways the experience would vary for ppl with OCD, Autism, ADHD, AuDHD, etc etc. Our neural pathways are different, after all!

Generally speaking, people experience weed the same way. Or acid the same way. Or shrooms the same way. There’s a general consensus about what these substances feel like and how they interact with the brain. For example, a lot of shroom users report feeling connected to nature. A lot of acid users report that it’s easy to get stuck in thought loops when using.

I wonder if that could exacerbate OCD?

I heard that artists draw in unconventional ways when on acid, as if they’ve been temporarily freed from the way they normally structure their work. Perhaps it “frees” the mind of AuDHDers?

I’m so curious. Please tell me about your experiences or experiences that you’ve heard of! Feel free to dm if u don’t want to comment.

I mentioned the autism sensory issues because I constantly struggle with foods and sensory sounds and feelings. So dieting and exercising is going to be more difficult for me. I hate sounds and wind and bright places. It takes me like 5 hrs to eat a meal (like rice and fish) if my brain decides the texture isn’t right. And I HATE eggs even tho they’re easy and healthy. Constant struggle 😩

I’ve never tried to loose weight with a goal and timeline before. Please give advice! 🙏

Is dieting or exercising more effective?

Is there a way I could do a mild mix of both, instead of one hardcore change? I struggle to deal with change. I like routines, simplicity, and peace. If I severely change a lot of things, it will be hard for me to function. My brain will become windows explorer, lol. Loading forever, never accomplishing anything.

It’s prob been almost 24 hours since it last ate! Maybe longer. What/how do I feed and water it?

I found it about 19 hours ago in the road. Head trauma, probably fell or hit a car. I contacted all the rehabs I could, the state wildlife department, and a vet. No rehabs can take it. Wildlife department doesn’t have space for birds, so they’ll euthanize it. Vet said they aren’t legally allowed to rehab it, so their only option is to euthanize it if I give it to them. Hence, I am this dove’s only option.

It will likely pass away no matter what I do, but at least with me it has a chance at survival bc I won’t euthanize it. This is this bird’s one and only life. Please tell me how to feed it.

The bottom jaw is either broken or dislocated. It cannot close its mouth. Dm for pics if you need pics to give advice.

It can’t use its beak as a straw bc the beak can’t close. I gave it water in a shallow dish and it stuck its beak in there, but idk how much water it truly ingested. Its tongue can move around. I don’t see any cankers. But the jaw wound discharged what I think is “slough”, and that might be blocking some of its throat. I wonder if it’s okay to give this poor baby a bath. To wash off germs, debris, and slough caused by the traumatic event. One eye is swollen from the impact, are there any bird-safe wound antibiotics?

Again, it’s a fledgling, probably 2 weeks old based off my research. It’s at the age where it would try to fly, but be very new at it. It cannot fly, probably due to inexperience. I don’t think either wing is broken, but I don’t have an xray machine nor do I have the money to check.

I found a fledgling dove in the road, I’m surprised it wasn’t run over. It can walk and move its wings, but no flying. I’m guessing it tried to fly and fell. Guessing 2 weeks old.

Its poor little head is swollen, the left side is bigger than the right. Right eye looks totally fine, the left eye is puffy (can’t close!) and reddish. If you want to see, dm me.

I’ve been researching free rehab centers in my area. A couple turned out to be permanently closed. Another doesn’t accept pigeons. I don’t have the money to take it to a Veterinarian Clinic. I’m still on the search. If professional help turns out to be unavailable, I’ll try to keep it alive. I know it needs warmth, darkness (to reduce swelling). Food? Do you have any advice?

I wonder if a Vet could prescribe something for its eye. Hydrating drops? I could maybe drop $100 on a Vet visit, but I bet it would cost more.