u/lmrunningoutofnames

I am the most perfect “Christian” in the eyes of my family, town and church. My mother likes to say that she’ll never be worried about me living in a world where social media and the new generation is “so unholy” now because I just know better and have a “really strong faith in God”, and I know she thinks like that based on how I get high marks and perfect scores on my religious tests or how I know exactly how to articulate what I say poetic enough at religious events that I just earned the population of being this god-fearing person my peers aspire to be.

The catch? I am atheist. Or even anti-theist at this point because I really really disagree with my religion. I don’t pray or read the Bible, especially not everyday. Heck I don’t even make the sign of the cross properly, I do it so lazily or skip it that til this day I don’t understand why people don’t notice it. (The only possible reason is probably since every single person except me shuts their eyes and bow their heads while chanting about God and the holy angles) The only reason why I remember Bible Stories and the little details in them is because I enjoy deconstructing or bashing them. The only reason why I have such “beautiful ways of spreading and interpreting God’s word, my lord Kelsey you’re so blessed” is because they are SARCASTIC. Super duper sarcastic they’re basically jokes.

Last week someone from the church asked me what my favorite Bible story was and I was like Noah’s Ark, and when he asked me why I started talking about the flood and mentioned the billions of deaths it basically caused (like very very clearly) but “Oh God always has such a perfect plan this is why I get excited for rainbows!” HE LOOKED ME IN THE FACE AND HE WAS LIKE “You are such a perfect Christian. I can tell you are very passionate bla bla bla because you smile while talking about it” … You know why I’m smiling, sir? BECAUSE NOAH’S ARK IS STUPID TO ME 😭😭😭 It’s genuinely stupid I literally hate it

I actually got away with talking about peeled oranges and refilled hairsprays and other minor conveniences in contrast to the actual serious gross shit that happens everyday because god doesn’t do anything about it once. “There are so many evil things happening in the world right now. So much poverty and hunger and all these negative experiences that people unfortunately have to go through. That’s why I’m so grateful for The Lord our God. Being so close to him has changed my life for the better. The skies are clearer and my days are brighter. I am so happy with him and (bla bla bla random coincidences peeled oranges hairspray refills bla bla bla)” and people thought I was SERIOUS. Like the absurdity just went right above their heads and they had no moment of doubt at all

All ironies about my religion that I notice and disagree with, I just manage to repackage it in a flattering way so I have something to say and then 100% of what happens is people agreeing with me and thinking what I said was so profound. They’re so asleep Idek.

This is just what I’ve been doing right to navigate social situations (I’m more extroverted so that’s kinda important to me) and also just trying to live with the BS I have to put up throughout every week though it’s kinda sad that I’m two faced and always lying and joking and being sarcastic, having to put up with the fact that hundreds of people think of me as this fake fraud who shares their same moral and political ideologies where I’m genuinely not and if they found out, what could happen? I’d be the talk of the town I’d be skinned who knows my momma could get trust issues and depression that ohhh her daughter is satanic

Whatever

I’m fine. I got a lot of friends and I’m doing well, I’m pretty privileged and all that stuff but I just have to come to terms with how I am ALONE on my atheism in my neighborhood. Only my close friends know my true beliefs and stuff but what like 60% or 75% of who I know in life think I’m Christian and this percentage of people SHALL think I am Christian and die thinking that forever. My mom likes to talk about future plans of when I’m getting baptized again or how I should be baptized or where and it’s ultimately my choice when, when I’m older, so I could “comprehend how profound it is” better or something and … Yes. I will go through baptism I will pretend to have my Christian values and keep my “profound prophecies”-tongue but wow I wish I don’t because again, this is BS and I really don’t wanna put up with it

It was always just because of my family that makes me want to hide this part of me all the time but I also have a consequential pressure that I’m really really ADMIRED amongst my peers so I have to take responsibility to keep up this picture perfect image of how faithful I am to god. It doesn’t feel like it’s there at all but it’s like a muscle that makes sure I never slip up or randomly blurt out in the middle of the church “I DONT OR HAVE NEVER BELIEVED IN THIS STUFF!!!”. Like, too many people will gasp in shock and I’ll break the hearts of many Christians and challenge their lives and faiths if I do that so aha I can’t. Not that I give a fuck if their faith is “challenged” but it’s that I don’t want that baggage for the both of us.

That’s why I don’t comfort people who come up to me talking about their faith being challenged. I basically just encourage critical thinking to them or to evaluate why they’re losing their faith because yeah it sounds helpful but.. I’m letting them loosen up so they can actually think for themselves

But that’s just me

I’ve had an inactive crush on this cute boy. We don’t talk but I did say hi to him and ask for a correction tape once. Basically it all started when I was watching him with my car window open and my head peaking out while we were in traffic but I didn’t realize he was watching me watch him the entire time, and I hid below the car seat really really late while he was passing by. I knew him as this popular and outspoken kinda guy who’s loved and respected by everyone and he’s pretty positive but idk how to approach that guy. Especially that I KNOW I’ve made it really damn obvious that I like him.

“Guys are so oblivious so that’s probably in your head” NO??? There was a time I was play fighting with my friends and when I looked at a random direction to catch him staring at me, I whispered to my friend and started beating up my friend’s shoulder while his entire friend group was looking at me. Then the next few days after that, when I would try to walk somewhere and now knew where they sat, I would get teased by my friend group and have to keep dodging their table and scolding my friends where his friend group would be staring at me the entire time!!!

And not only that, when I made a friend directly from HIS grade and section, I told her about him and would ask her once or twice to call him over and just look at him or act incrediblyyyy shy and there was one time where we were sitting across him and one of his friend and she was TEASING me so much about taking pictures while I was trying to snatch my phone away. She said “they won’t know” but when I looked at the pictures.. IT WAS HIS FRIEND STARING AND HIM TRYING TO POSEEE URGHHHH

Idk what he thinks of me but he’s been weirder. I mean the first few times he would kinda just linger when I’m there and when I’m doing weird shit he would just stare. There was one time I asked our school guard for MONEY because I was desperate to buy myself a Diet Mountain Dew and chips and after a while I ran back to the guard so happily and gave him back his change.. And he was directly staring beside me super super near and I didn’t even realizeeee god Im so spatially unaware

But recently he’s… Ok so he does look at me often if he knows I’m there and he likes to hover where I’m near SOMETIMES. I don’t blame him because I do too. There was one time me and my friend group had to pass by the hallway to go to the bathroom and right when we approached, they all fake laughed and stayed in the area (until we left) maybe to get our attention. Irdk.

I’ve had a crush on him for I think a month now.. Actually I tend to forget I like him but if I’m excited to see him that’s when I remember oh this boy is cute.
Idk what to do but I really want something. He’s transferring schools next year so I’ll have to do something early on so we could actually have our time spent together :(

Anyway enough blabbering. Recently I kinda did something. It all started when me and my entire class was playing during lunch time and I was called by the boys from the higher grade (my crush’s class) to ship me with this random boy. He’s not my crush but it’s just a fun thing their class is doing where there are random ships. He was teased the entire day and I was shipped too and was paid to get near him and stuff.

This went on for a while but eventually I confronted the biggest class clown in their class and joked with him how me being the randomly selected girl to get shipped with some guy is so annoying because it brings down my chances of being with my crush from a 0 to a negative. He asked me who my crush was and when I panicked when he guessed his grade and section.. He immediately started saying random boys from his class. I was like “No. No. No.” But then when he suddenly said HIS name, at first I was like “Oh? Whos that…”

… biggest lie ever because a few days before that I was saying his name a lot. SO WHEN HE CONFRONTED ME I PANICKED AND SMILED REALLY BIG and that was the time that he caught that I liked him. And you know he knows the car peeking story.. so the next day, I was immediately shipped by my OWN crush instead and I was obviously acting more entertaining to them all because I was actually interested.

They called me to their room while I was oblivious, I immediately got shipped and I was arguing while smiling big denying that I liked him but refused to even get near him until we were both pushed together and they took PICS of us!? And he was smiling and grinning a lot. I even mentioned “how could people like each other when they don’t even talk” so unfortunately they forced US to talk to each other it was so cheesy and insane and ofc my own class and grade heard it all. And was teasing me as well.

So now I have his social media and random snacks I received. What the hell do I do 😭😭😭 Tell me whatever and I’ll do it but this cute useless crush of mine was accidentally published as the talk of the town frick

I have a crush on someone. He's a grade above me, there's no opportunity to talk to him throughout the day until after school and that's when I have a slim window but I have no idea how to approach and what to say.. I'm just a random girl. Ofc, everybody is just a random person when you approach someone at first but him specifically.. I can't just do that I'm too shy

I know he notices my obnoxious ass. I see him a few times in school because our classrooms are in the same hallway but like there was a time I was in my car with my upper body out of the window and I watched this student just walk, but then when we passed by there was traffic and he caught me staring at him and it took me a while to notice. But when I did I immediately hid inside. I'm also an obnoxiously playful idiot so I would run around and tease my friends a lot but by this time his friends are already fucking watching me and he stares at me too. Just looks away while his friends don't

I like to wonder if he knows that I like him because god everyone says I'm too obvious. If he did knew it doesn't seem like he's too repulsed. He doesn't avoid or get away from me when I'm nearby sometimes he lingers but there were times he hovers. Oh god I even remember a time I was standing by the gate and was on my phone but when I looked up, HE WAS THERE!! So I immediately was just on my phone frantically typing while acting chill and I felt and saw with my peripheral vision him hovering near.. Before walking past be very near and just beside. If he hated my guts he wouldn't be unbothered by that proximity but...

Today I didn't see him at his lunch table nor noticed him and he also walked away too soon while I saw him buying fries from afar so I couldn't see him and that was pretty sad. But like yeah I'm a pretty unhinged and free person and yes I feel too shy but whatever you dare me to do I'll try it out how am I gonna talk to this dude

Do you guys recommend any withening strips and maybe something I can spray or chew on to have fresher breath? All I do is brush 2 times a day and gargle with a mouthwash but I can't help but hate my naturally yellow teeth (I know its natural and nobody has natural pearlywhites but I swear it's slightly yellower than the average person and it pisses me off)

I don’t know what to say here but I’m really curious

I really really need help. I’ve been having anxiety for the past like 3 days on this and there is no one around me that is non-religious so I am completely alone on this.

When I was a child, I questioned the story of Adam and Eve ONCE one night because of how it didn’t make much sense. I forgot the question I asked but it made me spiral about how the Bible truly and sincerely is not backed up by science or moral fairness and I had this giant wave of fear about God being mad at me and sending me to hell for now being a non-believer which made me spiral into so much MORE confusion because.. I can’t believe in hell anymore either?

So I had my first death anxiety ever because was there actually nothing after death? That’s something we will never know but I refused to accept in “nothingness” and that our consciousness was really fleeting and after our deaths, we will be nothing forever because my logic was.. If that was the case.. Then I would already, PERMANENTLY, be in the state of nothingness as if I never existed. But Im here in the present moment continuously with my own memories and all that stuff so I doubt death took this away from me. That was my logic at least. I was a kid. I don’t know much. And I also was dealing with a shit ton of guilt and anxiety while having to continue pretending I was Christian on Sunday masses

But I always assumed that that would be my first and only death anxiety. Boy was I wrongggggg.

I got older now and accidentally fell into an existential crisis thinking about evil. It all started when I was just looking at evil characters in fiction for writing inspiration then gradually started thinking about real evil things that go on in the world, how they are caused by evil people, and started stressing about the injustice of it all.

I don’t really care or have much beliefs about death anymore. If there is an afterlife? Cool. (I don’t think it’s gonna be like Christian heaven tho) If there’s nothing after death. Fine. If there is reincarnation? Wow, great! I hope I live great lives better than this one. I don’t care because I will find out once I get there. But.. Thinking about all the intense trauma and suffering people have to go through or even the PEOPLE causing trauma and suffering to others, I started stressing about how there is no hell. Or how I don’t believe in hell.

I don’t believe in hell because I don’t believe in God, but I kinda want hell to exist again because what the hell is wrong with people sometimes? Some people ultimately deserve hell or just ANYTHING that serves other souls their Justice but as far as the human race knows, there is no proof of one.

I’m dreaded because it’s like most of us people are just born to suffer then. “We are the universe experiencing itself” blablabla, great that’s amazing so the witness of our suffering is the cosmos itself.. Cannnn weeee get somethinggg??

I don’t really care about the insignificance of my life or everything’s existence much now that I’m grown up. I am not a nihilist but I don’t really care or disagree with its philosophy but a very persistent part of me that doesn’t want our suffering to be meaningless that we tried so hard to survive or move on or even stay as good people.

I kinda miss believing in hell.

And I really really need help. I’ve been having anxiety for the past like 3 days on this and there is no one around me that is non-religious so I am completely alone on this.

When I was a child, I questioned the story of Adam and Eve ONCE one night because of how it didn’t make much sense. I forgot the question I asked but it made me spiral about how the Bible truly and sincerely is not backed up by science (for me. For me ok my questions are all left unanswered) or moral fairness and I had this giant wave of fear about God being mad at me and sending me to hell for now being a non-believer which made me spiral into so much MORE confusion because.. I can’t believe in hell anymore either?

So I had my first death anxiety ever because was there actually nothing after death? That’s something we will never know but I refused to accept in “nothingness” and that our consciousness was really fleeting and after our deaths, we will be nothing forever because my logic was.. If that was the case.. Then I would already, PERMANENTLY, be in the state of nothingness as if I never existed. But Im here in the present moment continuously with my own memories and all that stuff so I doubt death took this away from me. That was my logic at least. I was a kid. I don’t know much. And I also was dealing with a shit ton of guilt and anxiety while having to continue pretending I was Christian on Sunday masses

But I always assumed that that would be my first and only death anxiety. Boy was I wrongggggg.

I got older now and accidentally fell into an existential crisis thinking about evil. It all started when I was just looking at evil characters in fiction for writing inspiration then gradually started thinking about real evil things that go on in the world, how they are caused by evil people, and started stressing about the injustice of it all.

I don’t really care or have much beliefs about death anymore. If there is an afterlife? Cool. (I don’t think it’s gonna be like Christian heaven tho) If there’s nothing after death. Fine. If there is reincarnation? Wow, great! I hope I live great lives better than this one. I don’t care because I will find out once I get there. But.. Thinking about all the intense trauma and suffering people have to go through or even the PEOPLE causing trauma and suffering to others, I started stressing about how there is no hell. Or how I don’t believe in hell.

I don’t believe in hell because I don’t believe in God, but I kinda want hell to exist again because what the hell is wrong with people sometimes? Some people ultimately deserve hell or just ANYTHING that serves other souls their Justice but as far as the human race knows, there is no proof of one.

I’m dreaded because it’s like most of us people are just born to suffer then. “We are the universe experiencing itself” blablabla, great that’s amazing so the witness of our suffering is the cosmos itself.. Cannnn weeee get somethinggg??

I don’t really care about the insignificance of my life or everything’s existence much now that I’m grown up (I am not a nihilist. I don’t care or disagree much with its philosophy.) but a very persistent part of me that doesn’t want our suffering to be meaningless that we tried so hard to survive or move on or even stay as good people.

I really really need help. I’ve been having anxiety for the past like 3 days on this and there is no one around me that is non-religious so I am completely alone on this.

When I was a child, I questioned the story of Adam and Eve ONCE one night because of how it didn’t make much sense. I forgot the question I asked but it made me spiral about how the Bible truly and sincerely is not backed up by science or moral fairness and I had this giant wave of fear about God being mad at me and sending me to hell for now being a non-believer which made me spiral into so much MORE confusion because.. I can’t believe in hell anymore either?

So I had my first death anxiety ever because was there actually nothing after death? That’s something we will never know but I refused to accept in “nothingness” because if our consciousness was really fleeting and after our deaths, we will be nothing forever because my logic was.. If that was the case.. Then I would already, PERMANENTLY, be in the state of nothingness as if I never existed. But Im here in the present moment continuously with my own memories and all that stuff so I doubt death took this away from me. That was my logic at least. I was a kid. I don’t know much. And I also was dealing with a shit ton of guilt and anxiety while having to continue pretending I was Christian on Sunday masses

But I always assumed that that would be my first and only death anxiety. Boy was I wrongggggg.

I got older now and accidentally fell into an existential crisis thinking about evil. It all started when I was just looking at evil characters in fiction for writing inspiration then gradually started thinking about real evil things that go on in the world, how they are caused by evil people, and started stressing about the injustice of it all.

I don’t really care or have much beliefs about death anymore. If there is an afterlife? Cool. (I don’t think it’s gonna be like Christian heaven tho) If there’s nothing after death. Fine. If there is reincarnation? Wow, great! I hope I live great lives better than this one. I don’t care because I will find out once I get there. But.. Thinking about all the intense trauma and suffering people have to go through or even the PEOPLE causing trauma and suffering to others, I started stressing about how there is no hell. Or how I don’t believe in hell.

I don’t believe in hell because I don’t believe in God, but I kinda want hell to exist again because what the hell is wrong with people sometimes? Some people ultimately deserve hell or just ANYTHING that serves other souls their Justice but as far as the human race knows, there is no proof of one.

I’m dreaded because it’s like most of us people are just born to suffer then. “We are the universe experiencing itself” blablabla, great that’s amazing so the witness of our suffering is the cosmos itself.. Cannnn weeee get somethinggg??

I don’t really care about the insignificance of my life or everything’s existence much now that I’m grown up but a very persistent part of me that doesn’t want our suffering to be meaningless that we tried so hard to survive or move on or even stay as good people.