u/mossdentist

TLDR; In my referrals to specialists, my PCP only includes one symptom I have or an unrelated concern. Is this normal? Is there a reason to minimize like this?

Over the past year, and especially the past few months, I have been having strange, painful, debilitating symptoms. I keep going to my PCP and explaining at length what I have been feeling. She uses and AI note keeper that listens the whole time.

I tagged at the end of one appointment that it feels like something is pinching in my shoulders. The more pressing issue I had was I was losing my hearing at random and my vision was getting worse. She orders and X-Ray for my shoulders and sends me to PT. A note from her said "either she was born like this or its a connective tissue disease and may need a referral to rheumatology." The physical therapist confirms it is 100% a connective tissue problem.

I then continue to lose my hearing for longer, so I message her, which then she pushes for an MRI and Audiology. The MRI referral note said "Patient's symptoms: Dizziness." Nothing major was found from the MRI, but then the nurse practitioner calls me and says "We're setting you up with an appointment for neurology." I was never explicitly told why.

I go to neurology and explain everything again and the NP looks at me confused and says "this appointment was a follow up to your sleep apnea results." A sleep apnea test that came up negative over 6 months ago. I was told I didn't need to follow up... At least now I am on a waitlist for Genetics and Headache specialist...

I go to have my eyes examined. There is a suspicious spot behind my left eye that points to a more serious issues. My physical therapy and now optometrist is saying it seems like something more systemic. I take my PT's advice and ask for a referral to a Rheumatologist.

That appointment was this morning and it went horribly. She starts the conversation by saying "your primary sent you here because of elevated inflammation from a blood panel (from over a year ago)." That was the only reason my primary gave for the referral. She then tells me my symptoms match Temporal arteritis, but its only usually in patients over 60, so she won't look into it (I'm 26). She also said that it sounds like a cluster headache, but those are rare and mainly happen to men....

The part that kind of sent me (and ik she is right), but she then asked if I have significant trauma. I do have severe childhood trauma and I know that takes a toll on the body, but she told me that was most likely the cause of my symptoms. What **really** sucks about that is I have been working on my mental health for about 7 years now. I have tried so many medications and therapies. I am doing super well with it all in the past few years and have started to find acceptance. Now I'm being told its the cause of debilitating pain. Its a bit triggering bc surviving the trauma made me extremely suicidal, but I made it passed that. Now this pain is making me feel that way and its because of the thing that made me feel suicidal in the first place...

Although trauma does take strain on the body, I have never heard of someone losing their vision, hearing, and having a random attack of throbbing pain years later during a time of low stress.

Am I not being clear enough that most of these symptoms are new and progressing quickly?? Is there a reason that my PCP is only using one symptom in my referrals?

We are all aware the healthcare system is garbage, and its about to massively fail the largest generation that morphed it into the cash cow that it is.

Senior citizens are already struggling to get by, but it is going to get worse. Many cannot afford nursing homes or at-home care. Their children and grandchildren (if they still care for each other) have to keep working to stay afloat. There is no one to look after them. As the dementia eats away at their brain, their car keys will only become more accessible.

I feel like everyday during my commute I get cut off by a vehicle that then drives 10mph under while swerving in and out of the lane. Its incredible how frequently I am honking at the car infront of me, not out of road rage, but to bring their awareness back to keeping it in the lines.

Might be controversial, but I was raised to feel like I have a responsibility in keeping them safe. I think we should all buckle down and do what we can to help them out when we see it. I get that they are the generation that destroyed the economy, but that is a small handful. The rest struggle just the same. It doesn't only help them, but everyone else in your community.

Please be kind when the opportunity arrives.

My primary care doctor said I have a connective tissue disease. Now I am lined up for non-stop appointments for the next few months. I have tried to keep all of my symptoms documented and prepare a list to make sure I cover everything, but remembering and acknowledging is hard.

I know what I feel now and what the most bothersome things have been in the past, but I have a lot medical trauma from childhood. I feel confident in my ability to advocate for myself, but when I actually get there I deny everything wrong with me.

I don't really know if I feel pain properly. I don't know what is from prolonged stress and what is from deterioration. I will make it through the day not feeling in my body, but then I will have these moments I can actually feel. I have to do some serious grounding, but my body is honestly in terrible pain constantly.

I have damage to my urinary tract from CSA and I never know what to say when they ask me about incontinence. Sometimes I say no, other times I say "sorta." I cannot always give a definitive yes or no for a lot of things. I think it makes me lose credibility for being honest about symptoms.

I have felt pain all of my life. Whenever every single day I would rate my pain as a 4-6, what am I supposed to say when asked to rate it? A 4 on my own scale would be a 0 bc its what I'm used to putting up with. I tore my ACL in hs and I was told I have an incredibly high pain tolerance, but I'm not going to go around telling doctors my pain tolerance is high, so they should believe me when I say I am hurting.

I feel so confused about how to go through being asked the same questions a billion times. Connective tissue disease is such a broad thing and then it also brings an autoimmune disease into question as well.

And then part of all of this is checking on my eyes. What is the difference between heavy dissociation and poor vision? Is my vision getting worse or is bring my attention to it is making the dissociation more obvious. I don't even feel like my eyes are actually open. I wear glasses and can see the obvious difference in sight but internally I feel blind.

I would like to know others experiences going through all of this with DID. Any procedures on my back triggers a panic attack too. How do I keep everything straight? Record keeping is not my strong suit.

I made one attempt at integrating two parts. It messed me up really bad, but it wasn't even a conscious attempt. I tend to see every problem as a physical puzzle I need to solve (sometimes more like a large knot that needs untangled). I'm big on thinking in deductive reasoning, but its never been an issue before because, well, I don't feel everything she does-- its not my experience.

I don't remember exactly why, but something made me think about how poor CPS is. That lead to me trying to gather recollections of CPS involvement in my own life. I don't have any memories whatsoever from my early childhood, but I was told by my grandmother that she called CPS the first time. My knowledge comes from her memory of what happened.

I want to say that I may have been upset about the chronic health issues I suffer with currently that set this in motion. My grandmother called CPS after she repeatedly told my mother to get rid of the mold, infestations, and to stop smoking in closed spaces next to me. I was a very sick child. I looked at the child alter while I was feeling the heavy pain in my chest. She breathed that in, I have the same lungs, this is the same body, I am the same perso--

It felt like an explosion. I was the furthest back in my mind I have ever been. I couldn't function for about two months. I haven't tried anything since.

I have thought about it a ton though. The brief millisecond of recognition gave me hope that I might come around to it one day, but maybe not any time soon...

If I accepted that I am one person, I would have to accept that I was alone the whole time. The burden is 5 times the amount. This way feels more evenly spread. Its not fairly spread, but the foundation is much more sturdy when its not all sitting on one plank. At this point, I dont think it is realistic to integrate. I suppose after a few more decades of healing, but I am accustomed to this way of living. It feels too fragile to mess with.

I only looked briefly at the child. I don't understand her or know what she knows, the teen alter seems even more fucked up about something, and I can function... There are (at least) 2 more that I have a little awareness of. Its like they live behind a curtain. But it feels like I would be opening Pandora's box. I only want peace. I'm so tired.

My mother was incredibly verbally abusive and also had a substance abuse disorder, so her going off the rails was daily routine. It didn't always make sense exactly why she was going off because it was mostly word vomit of the meanest things she could think of. I learned the best response is to not and avoid showing emotions. She would get tired eventually and start drinking. Once she had a few in her, she would come back and apologize for yelling, but then follow that with the million reason as to why she *had* to go off like that.

I think parentification is quite common in narcissistic parent relationships, but I didn't realize until talking to my brother recently that I was the only person she would go to for venting frustrations. She would lay out her work, financial, and relational stressor. She would tell me about her sex life and childhood trauma. I was by all means her therapist, and I honestly didn't mind. It was so frequent that she started getting extra booze that I liked so we could both chill out. It was when I was around 13 that she started giving me alcohol. It worked as both an "I'm sorry" without saying it and a pain killer.

As an adult, I really enjoy being a therapeutic person. I'm studying for social services and would love to be a counselor. My mom is sober now and hit menopause, so she is 1/4 of the monster she used to be. She still frequently comes to me for advice and reassurance, but now its a lot more respectful. I have become the person she fawns towards and I get the side of her everyone on the outside saw when I was growing up. Its weird af, but I'd rather be on that end of it.

My mother being like this is what got me interested in psychology. I wanted to understand why she is the way she is. I realized in my teens that she is emotionally stuck as a teenager essentially. We even joke now about how I am the parent and she is the child. I help her with financial stuff and walk her through applications to receive assistance. I think having this role embedded a form of self-lessness that is all consuming.

People pleasing tendencies seem almost universal to being raised by a narcissist and I also feel like intellectualizing emotions is up there as a response. The intellectualizing makes it difficult for me to understand when something is disrupting my own well-being. I do very much enjoy listening to others and helping them work through things, but I wonder if its unhealthy to constantly want to be in that role.

I'm struggling to grasp my own conscious experience. My body moves around and I interact with the world, but its as real to me as a dream. The memory of it is exactly like recalling a dream.

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In a dream, you experience it as it unfolds, so the present moment is always making sense. When you recall that dream, you recognize that its missing meaningful transitions between events. It falls apart when you attempt to coherently put it together.

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Sometimes its even difficult to distinguish reality from my dreams. I started taking a medication that helps with nightmares. I've always been a very vivid and active dreamer, so of course I still have dreams... but they are normal now. They more closely mimic reality. The situations are casual. Odd stuff happens, but there aren't any monsters or gore.

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I have been feeling like I'm getting worse lately, but I'm starting to wonder if having normal dreams is adding to the already disorganized structure of my memory.

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Does anyone know what I'm talking about when I say that it feels like a spinning carousel internally? Maybe an elaborate cuckoo clock?

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Yeah... I feel exactly like the cuckoo clock scene in Pinocchio.

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I feel like I've had a breakthrough. I never feel like I am one because none of them feel like me. I am all of them, but I cannot be all of them at once. Whenever I am fronting, I am also in the back of my mind, watching, not in control. I am never a person. I have never felt like a person. I don't even know them. I am aware and they are aware of me, but interacting feels forbidden. We can work together, but we can never understand each other. We can never communicate exactly what it is without becoming dysfunctional.

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I can recognize the trauma in its different stages. I can connect them together, but they do not exist within the same space. Its a book series and each one is a book. I can read the young ones, but not the teen ones. The older teen knows the void. I don't want that.

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I don't know what I'm doing anymore and I can't remember why I keep going.

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I can't remember what I'm supposed to do when it gets like this. My mind is cycloning. I cant stop writing, talking, being awake. I cant eat food. I cant sleep. I found a really nice picture of some kittens with sprinkles on them

And rainbow in the back and its actually really cool.

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I keep reading

I will be doing face paint at an event for the second time in my life. Last year, I was not ready for how stressful it would be. After that experience, I can recognize where I need to improve. I need to become much quicker and more consistent. I am decent if given time, but being quick seems to be one of the top skills for facepainting at large events (Around 100-150 kids. 3hr event).

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I am relatively good at art and learn quickly, but I need a better starting point for technique.

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What type of strokes are most important overall to master?

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How do I learn what brushes are best for each result?

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Any Youtube channels you would recommend?

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Is it better to learn on my arms first then transfer those skills to faces?

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What is a good time range to have a face completed?

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Literally any advice whatsoever will be appreciated. I def have bare minimum fundamentals down, but please share anyways because I could still be missing something.

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I will have someone helping this year which does take a good bit of stress off me, but I could tell I disappointed a few kids due to the inconsistency. One little girl will have a nicely done butterfly, and the next girl will have a blob that resembles a butterfly. I have about two months to improve.

**TLDR;** I want to spam her phone and mail with junk after his funeral. Gimme some awful spam!

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They have been together 15 years, and she is trying to make sure his family gets nothing after he passes. She has banned family from seeing him before his funeral and threaten to call the police if anyone shows up. She is actively trying to OD him so she can make a cruise trip she booked expecting him to be dead by now. She is a greedy, bitter woman. Its a mess!

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We were asked to be civil for the remainder of his life and funeral (and we WILL), but we want some form of justice. We plan to sign her up for as much spam as possible (preferable mail or phone). I need good spam mail resources.

I am getting close to finishing my bachelors and I feel pretty excited about working in a professional field. However, staying stable at a job has always been tough. After so many years it's kind of obvious that certain accommodations really make a difference. Having a set/unchanging schedule, only working max three days in a row, having two days off in a row, and flexibility with time off is the only way I have been able to stay employed.

I'm planning on going into social services which can be emotionally draining, but I tend to do extremely well with it as I am (obviously) experienced with compartmentalizing. I struggle with repetitive noises, fast paced, high energy environments, and feeling like I'm not contributing to something beyond myself.

Is it possible to be successful in a career like this? Is it more difficult to find accommodations in professional settings?

Since DID has been popularized, I have been suspicious of its existence. However, its become more difficult to deny my experiences as I get older. I have been diagnosed with severe PTSD and DPDR for 7 years, and again by every clinical professional I have seen. I have read many scholarly articles and research papers about dissociative disorders and DID and I found that mass representation online was glamorized (?) in comparison to the subtle presentation in clinical studies.

I am 26 now, and my amnesia episodes are getting worse. It used to be "oh, i didn't realize I had said x, did y, or obtained z." Here lately it has been "Is he my boyfriend? Where am I going? Am I certain this is where I lived? Who tf is this person that acts like they know me? When did I post this on social media?"

Since early childhood, there have been three distinct personalities in my mind: mother, sister, and "me." My experience was of extreme neglect and isolation, so I figured I was coping with the loneliness of it. I had completely forgotten how hard I held on to these figures until I started therapy.

Anyways, the other night I was thinking about some stuff and then it hit me... that child was me. I am the same human I have historical knowledge of. It wasn't someone else, I know about it because I experienced it. It felt like something was clicking together and I have never experienced that before. Its been about a week since that realization and I've been stuck in a deep state of dissociation and cannot recall any memories before 19 years old. It is entirely blacked out now.

I feel so disoriented, nauseated, and I cannot recall anything about myself besides surface level facts.

I didn't know I could regress in that aspect. I have been to support groups and subs for C-PTSD and I still feel like my experiences are abnormal in those spaces.

I guess I'm looking for other people who understand what I am talking about. I feel so lonely with it.

I had a dream I was a puppeteer and I woke up one morning to see my puppet was alive and made of flesh. If I were Geppetto, I would have shit myself.

I had my second appointment with my new therapist today after avoiding therapy for about 5 years now. My trauma is overtly complex. I have healed a lot, but that comes with your brain allowing you to unpack more.

Every time a burden is lifted I am hit with another. This causes my dissociative disorder to regress. The dissociation was pretty heavy today, so it was convenient for my session to also be scheduled today. I thought it would be relieving.

When she asked me about my thoughts, it was a lot. I felt like I was all over the place. It's only a one hour session, so it's hard to maintain the balance of unpacking without overdoing it and being cut off. In my mind, I would assume a slow unpacking from start to finish, but I was struggling to keep it together.

I have moved 21 different times, my mother went back and forth between abusing different substances, my brother moved between mine and my dad's house, and I couch suffered/lived with many many different family members. I would say every 6 months my day-to-day looked entirely different.

My trauma is like a labyrinth. It is not "x, y, and z happened." Its so chaotic and there are so many moving pieces.

My therapist interrupted me to ask about my current living situation and followed it up with:

> "I have so many new clients, its hard to keep track of what they tell me."

That means I would have to retell my specific situation every single time. I cannot cut to a specific incident, because it is long gone to her. I have less than an hour that is split between, general greeting, catching her back up, actually talking about trauma, and then the wine down conversation. There is only about a 20-30min window for actual trauma to be discussed.

Then there is the feeling that not a single one of us can cut through. I feel isolated. I feel like no one understands. Talking about it feels unproductive and unsatisfying. I feel like a burden. There are some days that I feel so lonely with my thoughts and I could never express them in a way I would feel understood.

I know a lot of us carry the sentiment that therapy doesn't work out. The majority of therapists are not trauma informed- at least not complex informed. It's ass and I feel debilitated.

Edit: I wouldn't normally get into trauma so quickly, but I had something happen the night before that made me feel broken. I was struggling more than usual today and if it hadn't been so recent I most likely wouldn't have talked about my trauma today.