u/nao_draws

I'm almost 30, never been in a relationship and never expressed a desire to have one. I've come out to my mom about my aromanticism and talked extensively about my lack of interest in romance with my sister, telling her among other things that I'd be happy to stay single for the rest of my life.

I really, really hammered it home with my mom because at first she trotted out the usual counter-arguments, and I refused to leave it at that. She assured she understood me, although she still made a few annoying comments ("I just wanted to make sure you hadn't changed your mind !"), leading to me explaining the whole shebang over and over again, until finally I thought she had really understood. This was five years ago.

Now, here come the subject of my rant. I moved country recently, at the other side of the world, and sent some pics to my family over different group chats. I never take pics of myself. Only landscapes, food and things I though were funny/cute/cool. I made friends with some people, and one of them took a nice pic of the both of us, that I decided to send to my family since it's the only recent photo I had with my face. Well, I guess I shouldn't have bothered sending anything else because suddenly everyone wanted to know who this "charming man" is, and telling me how we're "so cute together, what's his name ?", including my mom and sister. Even my aunt, which I hadn't talked to for almost a year, had nothing more to say than she was "happy to see me in such lovely company". Is that really the only thing worth noting ? Why does the sole idea of me being in a realtionship make them so happy ? Why does nothing else matter to them ??

It feels like despite everything I said, and the non-existant love life I had so far, they're all waiting for me to finally be with someone. It pisses me off so much !! How is aromanticism such a hard concept to grasp ? It’s so patronising, too, that they seem so sure they know better than me. I get the feeling they’ll still believe it's only a matter of time on their deathbeds. They will die believing it. Then their ghosts will haunt me, waiting for the chance to finally say "Told you so !".

It really is a losing battle.

For some context, I'm currently travelling (with the possibility of working) in a country where my friend have been leaving for the past 5 years. We met before she moved and haven't kept the strongest bond over time, but we would call each other every other month. Two years ago she invited me to a trip near her parents' place where I met her family, then the both of us left and were alone together for a few days. I would say we have a casual but lasting friendship.

My friend (let's call her V) leaves in city X and I landed in Y. We both had plans and when I let her know I was coming in X soon, she told she would be travelling with friends and that she would like some time after that to be alone. I told her no worries, and we settled on a date for me to come which would have left her a week of quiet time.

A few days after I got an offer for a job starting at the same date. I asked V if I could come to her place sooner so we would see each other, and we agreed on the weekend. But then I disliked the next city I visited, and I still had two weeks before my job started. V was about to leave on her holidays and I asked her "I don't like where I am right now, can I come sooner to your place ? I will be quiet and don't expect you to make me visit, but don't feel pressured to say yes." I didn't expect her to refuse but she did, which is fair. But then she proposed I took care of her cat while she was away. I was excited so I immediately accepted, but she withdrew the offer because her friends, who already were supposed to come care for the cat, would be disappointed. I insisted that I really wanted to do it and that it would be convenient for me, but she said they would be really sad and I dropped it.

At that point I had already spend ten days in the city I didn't like much, and decided to shorten my stay. I planned a workaway (basically, it's working in exchange of accomodation) next to the city V lives (my job will also be in this city), but still had 5 days before it started. I decided to go to V's city anyway and visit without her, but when I looked for accomodations they were either expensive and very bad rated, or straight out of my budget (I could have ultimately paid for it but it felt like luxury at that point, and not the amount of money I feel comfortable to part with). Yesterday I booked a room in a shitty hostel for 4 days, for almost 100$ per night. It was the last room and a private one, which worked nice for me since I saw in reviews that the overall place could be shady. It was also said to have bed bugs. I booked the room anyway, but this morning I thought it was stupid to spend this much for a bad place when V lived there, and that I should ask her one last time if I couldn't come to her place. She had already left at that point. I explained her the situation, and proposed to go at her place at the same time her friends would go take care of the cat to get her key, that they would still be able to take care of the cat and that I would even leave when they came if it could make them more comfortable. I offered her money and said I wouldn't touch her food. She refused, saying she didn't want to bother her friends. I was really bummed but said "okay, can I at least come take my credit card ?" (I had it delivered at her place since I didn't have a fixed adress, she was okay with it).

Suddenly, V told me she would see with her friend so that we could meet at her place, that she prefered I didn't sleep at the hostel and that she was sorry. I was so glad ! I met her friend and asked for the key. He looked a bit surprised but gave it to me.

2 minutes after, V calls me souding shocked, saying she didn't want me to stay at her place. It turns out she had made a spelling mistake and meant to say "I prefer if you could sleep at the hostel, sorry". She was only okay that I came to take my card. I told her I was literally at her place but she insisted I left. She told me she had issues with her sink. I told her I didn't care about the sink and that she should tell me the real reason she didn't want me to stay, because if it was only that I would work with it. She said the change of plan made her uncomfortable and that she would have to warn her friends not to come and it was a bother. I was honestly quite shocked and hung up to cry a bit. I told everything to my mom and my other friend, who were following it all from afar, and decided to leave after I charged my phone. In the meantime V told me "ok, you can stay" but I refused since It seemed to be such a hassle for her. She insisted I stayed and took care of her cat. I did stay in the end, but the whole thing made me so uncomfortable and I still don't feel welcome.

I know V doesn't owe me anything but at the same time we are friends and I'm alone in another country, and I don't feel like I asked for that much. And the fact she asked me to leave after I was literally at her place... She didn't want to bother her friends but she didn't seem to care about me at all, and I'm also her friend. Though we're less close, I was a bit in a more dire situation than them... In the end she apologized, said she regretted things went this way and sent me voice messages with a light voice as if it wasn't a big deal. I think it was her choice to not help me and I respect it, but still I'm disappointed. I honestly expected more support from her. Now I'm staying at her place and feels bad for doing so as I still ressent her.

My mom and other friend think I should have been more assertive from the start when asking V to stay. They think V isn't mean but that she's a bit slow.

I honestly don't know what to do. I don't think my friendship with V can be the same after that. I will leave V's place one day before she comes back and I considered leaving her a note saying I didn't feel like being her friend anymore, along with some cash. But also I know it was all too recent for me to think clearly. My mom think I should have made my wants more clear but I think I was already too pushy. What do you think ?

Hello !

This is still just an idea but I'm considering trying to leave in Toronto for a few months up to a year, I have some savings set aside.

I'm 28F, don't mind leaving with other people, my budget would be 950 max but preferably around 800 (is this realistic ?).

I'm not big on intense night life but I like bars, trying new food and I will probably look for a job as a waitress. Also I'd rather not take any transportation to go to work, and it should be a safe area since I might need to come home alone at night depending of the work I find (if I find one lol). Ideally it would also be near a park.

Thanks in advance !

For some context, I'm a french 27F solo traveler in Montreal right now.

Yesterday a woman came into my hostel dorm (roughtly a 12 beds female dorm though I don't think all the beds were occupied). There were curtains around the beds and the layout of the room made it that I couldn't see the others people from my bed, but I could obviously here them.

I think the woman came accompanied. After talking with her friend (?) she suddenly started to scream and moan like she was tortured. I had genuinely never heard someone scream that loud. At first I thought it was weird (I mean obviously), but also she would pause to chat then scream again. They were speaking in French but with such a accent I couldn't understand what they said. I made some noise and they probably realised they weren't alone. I asked if everything was okay and the woman screaming told me something like "yes, it's just..." And I didn't understand the rest. I made a repeat and still didn't get it. At some point I just left the room.

When I came back to go to bed she started to scream again, and I'm not kidding it sounded like she was murdered. No one in the dorm said anything, I think just one girl asked to change room because I heard a man voice at some point, which I assume to be a staff member, and this morning she wasn't there. Anyway it went on almost all night. The woman screamed, said thing I didn't understand, then left with her friend (?) comforting her, came back a few couple of hours later, rinse and repeat. I honestly didn't know what to do. I didn't want to tell the staff because what could they have done ? It's not like I wanted the woman to sleep outside, she was obviously in distress. I considerer she might be on drugs and overdosing or something and thought of calling the hospital, but what if I was wrong ? In the end I juste did nothing and I'm still not sure what would have been the right thing to do. At some point I also started being very scared and I think I only slept for a couple of hours.

This morning the woman came up to me and apologized, looking friendly enough. I asked her what had happened (yeah, I probably shouldn't have) and she told me she had been sequestrated and lost her two childs ?? (I assumed she was talking of custody or something). Because she was leaving I asked her if she was going in a safe place and if her situation was better now, but she told me not to worry about it. I insisted once but she didn't want to tell and I dropped it. A few minutes after she came back to me asking if I had ever played soccer. I said no, and she was like yeah so I assume you've never been kicked in the face ? With a big smile. Then she got really agressive and started to scream at me, insult me (I guess because honestly there was a lot I couldn't understand) saying things like I was sooo lucky to just be able to come in her country, and that she reaaaally hoped nothing bad were going to happen to me, that I was such a ??? For asking about her life, that her kids were dead, that I should make sure not to catch her accent and stay pretty and away from men, she kept swinging between saying "nice" things with a nice face, saying bad ones with the same smile, and going absolutely wild. I didn't know what to do so I just smiled and never replied. I didn't want to upset her even more. I think it only lasted for five minutes but I was so on edge.

I know it wasn't my business and I realise now that even if she had confided in me, what could I have done to help her ? So what if someone was waiting for her outside, or if she was homeless ? What would I have done, really ? But at the same time I couldn't just pretend nothing had happened ? Like "oh, that's tough, well have a nice day" ?

I knew Québécois could be racists towards French and it's not even the racism that upset me, but no one before has ever insulted me with such a straight face, or screamed at me like this. No one in the dorm came to see me after and I'm just feeling miserable for the both of us.

I know it's nothing crazy, and I'm mostly that affected because it's still very recent. I just really don't want to worry my parents and I'm feeling a bit alone right now. I'm crying in the hostel bathroom because I had to leave my room this morning and I don't have a private place to cry. I feel like shit and I feel bad for the woman, like obviously I didn't appreciate it but also she seems to have such a shitty life. I juste feel so bad.

Hi there !

This is exactly as the title says. It would be my second workaway and the first one to be paid, also it would be for around two months while the first I did lasted only ten days. I really want to get it since right now I'm in a city I don't like as much as I expected, and the friend I was supposed to meet (she lives close to where the workaway is) isn't free for the next couple of week.

The thing is, I already asked all the questions I needed via messages and answered theirs, so I'm not sure what to expect ? Should I treat it like a job interview ?

Also I don't know if I using my phone for this would be ok. I also have my computer though my phone would be simpler, but maybe it doesn't look "pro" ? It will be on zoom, if that matters. I don't even know where to go since right now I'm staying at a hostel and the call would be in the morning (9am) so it feels disrepectful to have it here.

Anyway, I'm probably overthinking it but if anyone here have experience with video calls with hosts and could tell me how it went, I would appreciate it !

EDIT : it went well ! I'm starting the 1st though so I still have two weeks to kill 💀 I might try to find a last minute host. From what I've been told I'll work 35h/week and be paid slightly more than minimum wage, but I'll have to pay for the accommodation, which I'm fine with since it's cheeper than a hostel. I might update if anyone is interested, to tell if I've been scammed, worked to death, arrested, or regretting the way I chose to live my life lol.

EDIT : I'm more interested in Canadian experiences but feel free to share anyway !

Hi !

Hopefully this is the right place to ask this. I'm curious to know how people chose to spend their limited time in Canada !

As for me, I arrived mid June in Toronto. My plan was to visit several cities on my way to Quebec, where one of my friends lives. Then I had imagined settling in Montréal for at least a year, finding a waitress job as I have experience (or anything, really), while pursuing my online studies (already started, I have one year left). I had a workaway planned where I am currently (leaving tomorrow), and no other obligations. So far nothing went as I had thought.

First thing first, I absolutely fell in love with Toronto ! I've only been there for 10 days, and I’m probably seeing things through rose-tinted glasses, but I felt very at ease. Now I half want to settle there instead of Montréal, although at the same time I know I would have an advantage here as I speak fluent French. My English is honestly not bad (I'd say I have a confirmed level) and I would really love to be fluent, but still I fear I would be at a disadvantage to find a job and the high cost of living makes it a bit scary, + another acquaintance of mine is coming with her own IEC in Montréal this summer so I know I wouldn't be alone. At the same time I've heard winters hit hard there, and that it can be depressing.

Then my workaway was a success and now I'm considering doing more. I feel the need to see more of the country before going back to a more "regular life" (like enjoying the holiday part of the VISA), but at the same time it feels safer to try to settle now. However I don't even know for how long I should be looking an accommodation for.

Also my studies start again in October. Each class has a duration of three months and I can take a break between each one (a break of three months, as I'm doing now). It kind of feels like a deadline but I'm also considering pushing them back, but also I fear I might regret it. Canada is very big and two years feels like such a short time now that I'm here !

My friend in Quebec was supposed to be free next week, but finally she won't be avalaible until the start of august. I booked an hostel in Montréal for a week starting tomorrow and I’ve got nothing concrete to go on after that.

I'm not really anxious as I have some savings, and I know now I can rely on workaways to keep my spendings to a minimum + worst case scenario, I have to leave early but get to have some nice holidays before going back to the grind in France. However I feel so lost !! Every choice I have to make closes doors on me, so I don't make any. I though I just needed some time to think about it but I've been overthinking for two days and didn't make any progress.

TDLR; I just started my IEC and I'm feeling super indecisive with the biggest FOMO right now. What did you do ? Anything you would have done differently ? Anything that didn’t go to plan? I'm not necessarilly looking for advices (although they'd be welcome), but I've mostly seen people worrying about paperworks and job market and not much discussions relating to the IEC as a whole. I've been really enjoying it so far, but I'm more of an overthinker than the type to wing it out so I’m in uncharted territory.