u/nottellarr

im camping in my backgarden (sad i know) with friends for my birthday, but id like to take the tent with me on actual camping trips

does it matter how much the tent is cos the difference in prices is very extreme

genuinely cannot even type words sometimes.

when im telling someone about my sa it takes me forever to say one full sentence, so many silent gaps where the whole time i know what i want to say, but i just cant, it takes a lot of effort

i hate being vulnerable like that, i find myself hiding so much when im triggered as well

i heard about eurorail but i also should look into hostels as well
it will be my first time so any ways to keep myself safe and just have what i need would be great

was thinking about sex from my partners pov 😭 chest felt tight out of fear but i dunno why its not like it was a flashback just a daydream scenario

very often i find myself wanting to look through old messages with people, think about memories on purpose, try to understand everything and trigger myself on purpose

everyone clocks that im in my head too much but im constantly trying to catch things out and understand everything, i find myself wanting to reach out to previous abusers in my life and bombard them with questions, why?

i really cant let go, it feels like it wasnt enough, i wanna self destruct all the time but i know i wont and it feels like im stuck

ive done a lot of things on purpose to get a rise out of people, ive started arguments with friends, strangers and my parents, all to cause destruction.

i guess when i was arguing with anyone the result i wanted was pain… but i dunno

its hard to put into words, when i was 11 or 12, i thought to myself that i wanted to be groomed, have a run in with an older dude, anything
when i was 13-14 it became true and i was aware of it, he even called himself a monster to me, idk why i stayed
i blocked him on and off i was aware of the situation but i kept crawling back?? why??
its like ive always wanted to get hurt, ive always wanted something bad to happen to me.

when i was being sa’d at school, i purposely waited behind in class during lunch, so hed sit next to me and we’d be alone.
i met up with him outside of school, despite everything, why?

i know part of being in shock is to “fawn”, but it didnt feel like that… it felt like i was in control

now ill trigger myself on purpose, think of the wrong things, i dont really know why :/
then ill blame myself

ive always done horrible things so how am i not a horrible person? i did this all to myself, technically, i sought it out, not sure whether to consider myself lucky or unlucky in my findings (funny half joke).

not everyone but very few people i can handle their tears, but for some context im currently apart of a “trauma training” group therapy while im on the wait list for my actual therapy and ive noticed that one particular member of the group really sets me off.

a lot of the time during the session she will kind of interrupt and state that she relates to something or will express something about a topic we are discussing which is fine but im very “get on with it” during these sessions (which i believe is cos im tryna avoid getting triggered lol but whatever)

other members of the group will message in the chat with lots of support for someone who is speaking (the counsellor asks us our opinions and if we understand the topic) and i cant deal with it very well and it makes me uncomfortable.

well, recently the one lady started crying, and i couldnt cope, i felt irritable and annoyed and immediately distanced myself from the session and its as if my brain was blocking out any information related to the session.
even worse is she showed her face in the next session and stated shes not afraid and here she is… i was really triggered and it took me awhile to calm down.
i didnt have much of an episode of flashbacks or trembles or anything, but that irritability had been triggered and once again my brain would not accept any new information.

its hard to explain that bit, its like i get mad at the idea of it and cant handle it.
i dont really know what to do because i dont hate these people or anything i just dont want to be so bothered by somebody showing such openness and courage with their emotions.

i mean maybe im jealous cos i dont really cry.

not everyone but very few people i can handle their tears, but for some context im currently apart of a “trauma training” group therapy while im on the wait list for my actual therapy and ive noticed that one particular member of the group really sets me off.

a lot of the time during the session she will kind of interrupt and state that she relates to something or will express something about a topic we are discussing which is fine but im very “get on with it” during these sessions (which i believe is cos im tryna avoid getting triggered lol but whatever)

other members of the group will message in the chat with lots of support for someone who is speaking (the counsellor asks us our opinions and if we understand the topic) and i cant deal with it very well and it makes me uncomfortable.

well, recently the one lady started crying, and i couldnt cope, i felt irritable and annoyed and immediately distanced myself from the session and its as if my brain was blocking out any information related to the session.
even worse is she showed her face in the next session and stated shes not afraid and here she is… i was really triggered and it took me awhile to calm down.
i didnt have much of an episode of flashbacks or trembles or anything, but that irritability had been triggered and once again my brain would not accept any new information.

its hard to explain that bit, its like i get mad at the idea of it and cant handle it.
i dont really know what to do because i dont hate these people or anything i just dont want to be so bothered by somebody showing such openness and courage with their emotions.

i mean maybe im jealous cos i dont really cry.

a guy (21) i went to school with mysteriously passed away back in december, i saw all the facebook posts from his girlfriend (who i was friends with for a bit in school) and family, friends of his whom one of them i worked with in a cafe for awhile, all promoting to raise money for him.

knowing him, and his friends and girlfriend, i donated and later saw a post about his funeral.

i had no reason to attend other than to show support.

i think i ultimately went to see someone else’s trauma in action and i know it sounds and is voyeuristic but i was just wondering if anyone else has done something similar?

it was kind of healing to see people so heartbroken but also talk amongst one another of memories, and ultimately it was just another day.

i guess my trauma falls under a similar umbrella and i can have normal days amongst hiding in fear.

ive been heavily researching the brain and trauma for a long time to try and understand the full aspect in detail rather than perceive the world as unsafe.

i accidentally burnt my stomach with boiling water maybe a month later and now when i make tea, coffee, or fill up my hot water bottle again my stomach stings and i tense up exactly the same when i re experience what i faced at 13/14 years old.

i still live in the same village and ive been going out on my own to face my fears, sat in the park the other evening i was shaking.

its funny that i can now just tell myself im fine and believe it.

im also tempted to try shrooms and heal spiritually, experience nothingness so i can feel happy on the surface, and make the right decisions and feel stronger in myself and the universe i live in.

i have been with my partner for three years now, i cut off my ex boyfriend 4 months prior to our getting together and i often feel as if i needed more time to heal.

ive definitely healed in a relationship aspect a lot more than with myself, i slack in some moments where i get an idea of him in my head and ultimately mistrust him, and feel very defensive. i have made him cry once or twice.

we also met in university and we are part of the same friend group so we basically have been living together this whole time. moving away was hard, hes only 40 mins away from me so no issues, but i wasnt used to being on my own.

now i am and sometimes i feel like its not enough… but thats more so me believing i should cut everyone off, run away and start again.

i love my partner, but hes said once before he doesnt know if im ready for a relationship. i feel as if its just a rock for me to hold myself steady while i heal and i feel bad to describe him that way but in this context its definitely been the case.

i understand its a lot of working together but i dont want this to go to shit just because im uncertain…