u/pinkrose_queen

[W]

Should I leave my boyfriend?

A former classmate (20M) who I (20F)  started speaking to only 6 months ago confessed to liking me. I liked him back, however clearly stating that I didn't want to get into a relationship because I already had a lot of other commitments and was stressed with my current life. He kept trying to convince me to give him a chance and I eventually gave in.

And this turned out to be one of my biggest regrets for the exact reasons I feared it would be.

My issues with the relationship:-

1. Different faiths and cultural backgrounds, I needn't explain more on how things like these usually never work out, especially in Indian society. It's very clear that we would never be compatible for each other on the long run. And I would only date to marry and do not want anything casual. I don't know if he would be ready to fight backlash from his family for me. Moreover I do not want to marry into a family where his family would hate me.

2. He had asked out several other girls in the past, over 20. I was probably the first to accept it

3. He used to be addicted to explicit content and struggles with lust. He admitted it himself and was very apologetic about it and promised he had changed. It didn't seem like a problem initially, but now I keep getting paranoid and start wondering if I'll get used for something.

4. The only dates I've ever been on are by meeting him at my college and then we go  somewhere nearby together. So we meet quite rarely. Our relationship is already very inconvenient. And on every single date, I would start panicking as soon as I got texts or calls from my parents. Which leads me to my next reason.

5. I have very strict helicopter parents who monitor every activity of mine, who I talk to and do not let me go out alone, don't even allow me to go to hackathons because of overnight stays, and ofcourse are strictly against relationships. This relationship has caused me more stress than ever. I will admit my parents can be overly controlling to the point that control did only harm and no good, so I have to rebel at some point for exposure, growth and experience. But this surely isn't the way I would want to do it.

6. Due to never being in a relationship, I get paranoid very easily and compare it with relationships on social media. I keep thinking I'm being used for something short term, I try my best to not get attached. I think that's unfair to him though and I'll acknowledge the problem is me here. I never explicitly expressed any of these feelings to him though and I'm working on it. 

7. His friends are people I would consider red flags. I haven't talked to them or know much about them though so I cannot comment much on this.

8. He had a huge crush on a girl whom he used to be close to and apparently the girl ignored him for months and he was heartbroken about it. Just weeks after some problems with her he confessed to me. Which leads me to believe I'm just being used to move on from his crush. 

9. I never wanted a relationship to begin with. I'm already in a bad position in life. My dad who is the sole breadwinner of the family is retiring in a few months, I'm extremely unhappy with my current life, I'm bad at everything and have terrible work ethic and struggle with depression. I've cried several times after entering this relationship, usually the reason being regret, fear, and betraying my parents. 

10. Might be an ego issue but I took pride in being single for my whole life, it was like a part of my identity. And for years I never got feelings for anyone. But it was different with him. Ofcourse, things, circumstances change, and people grow up, change opinions. But this relationship has got me feeling angry. At him for making me date him and meet him despite me current stresses and strict parents. At myself for agreeing to this.

11. He comments a lot on my glow up after 12th grade. As someone who struggles with insecurities about my appearance I find it deeply triggering that he gives importance to appearance. He often says things like "How did someone like you choose someone ugly like me"  Makes me wonder if he'll ever stay once he gets a glow up or if I get a glow down. This may not be a big deal but he took pictures of random tourists while pretending to take pictures of the building and sent them to me to judge them, and used racial slurs. I know it's just a joke, but I didn't like it.

12. I'm kind of upset at how he wants me to keep meeting him. He is apologetic about it, and kept trying to hug me and calm me down whenever I started panicking after getting calls from my parents. But seeing me on the near verge of tears, lying to my parents, panicking, stuttering...I want him to feel a bit more empathy. I want him to say "I don't want you putting yourself through so much stress for my sake. We can take things slowly" But instead it's "I'm sorry I put you through that...anyways when can I meet you again? I'm craving your presence, to kiss you and hug you". It feels extremely selfish he wants to meet me every single time even though I'm stressed. And expects me to ditch classes. Ofcourse he isn't pushy about it, but I expect him to be a bit more considerate... especially after he has seen me panic in every date.  I understand he's just very excited about being in a relationship though so I don't think he's malicious but I still don't like it. How can you make someone panic and cry every single time?

 

 13. He gave more importance to his friends and himself. He made a whole html project for a female friend's birthday. Meanwhile I only got a half assed text for my birthday and girlfriend's day. Won a plushie at some arcade game for another. He apparently 'thought' of getting one for me as well, but didn't think of giving the first gift to me.  This was for the first two months of the relationship though and he did get me gifts on the third month from his trip, (two bangle sets, 3 earrings and two bracelets, though I paid for the bangles and one earring set). Not a big deal, it's the thought that counts, but my overthinking self wonders if he did that simply because gifts are girlfriend tax or because he genuinely wanted to give me something. And maybe I'm wrong for this, but I compare with social media. They're being gifted a lot more often. And no I don't mean grand gestures, just small thoughtful gifts like my favourite flower, snack or hair clip. I bake something for him for most of our dates as well, so no I'm not some ungrateful freeloader who expects things while doing nothing. 

I am aware that I might be wrong in some cases, which is why I never wanted this relationship. But he was the only person I ever got feelings for, after years of never getting a crush. My past crushes had all been people I just saw from a distance but never even spoke to. The way he showed up for his friends selflessly made me fall for him, plus I could relate to him in a few things. But I just know I'm not meant for relationships for several reasons and hence tried to avoid it and he still persuaded me into getting into one.

It's been 4 months since I've gotten into this relationship. I've never experienced anything significantly bad from him. He has been respectful, quick to apologise, unproblematic and kind but then again it's too quick to judge, but I just know I'm overall regretting it. And I just can't shake off the feeling that I'm not in the right place and shouldn't be dating.

TL;DR: I just got into my first ever relationship with a former classmate and find myself regretting it for several reasons, although there isn't anything significantly wrong with his behaviour. Should I stay or leave?

I apologise if this is messy, it's 1 am right now and I'm just venting out my thoughts here, yet again.

I want to start off by saying my parents aren't abusive even in the slightest. They've given me everything I could ever ask for, everything except for freedom and respect.

I was never allowed to step outside my home. Not even for small errands like buying something from a shop, at a walkable distance from my home. So you could say my social skills were never well calibrated to begin with. I never had friends for most of my life, so I never had anyone to go out with. And I never questioned it, if anything I was more than happy to sit within the comfort of my own home, without having to face the outside world.

Only now that I'm in college, I realise that having friends and good social skills is in fact a necessity, not an option, for the all elusive, abstruse thing they call networking. And that's something I've just never been good at and never will be. Only the realisation hit me now that my parents never did anything about the fact that my growth was stunted during my formative years. But I can't blame them entirely for this and could forgive them for it as well, if they didn't try to actively ruin everything else going on for me as well.

My mom never allowed me to participate in a hackathon. Not even in the ones in the same city. She has a problem with overnight stays. Once a huge fight broke out at home just because I registered for a hackathon in another neighbouring state, and because I planned to travel by train with my teammates. In the end my mom won and I wasn't allowed to go. My teammates stopped informing me about other hackathons they were going to after that, and I can't blame them, who would want someone so flaky and unreliable in their team.

A senior in the same branch had feelings for me. He never explicitly said it, but would still give me notes and talk to me often. I kept things cordial with him, but when I told my mom about, she was livid and told me he was dangerous and trying to woo me. She forced me to ignore him, and told me to be cold and rude to him. Now that senior avoids me. I had only one senior I could talk to and seek advice from and my mom ruined it.

I talk to a former classmate from school who suffers from depression. I never saw him in a romantic light nor did he ever see me that way. Yet my mom would continuously berate me and shout and me and sometimes even fight with me for speaking to him. She kept accusing me of being in a relationship with him and put me through extreme stress. When I was forbidden from talking to him last year, I ended up crying because I had no other friend and I lost the only one I had. But my mom continued to just accuse me of having feelings for him. The friend did turn out to be toxic and draining, but I still hate the fact that my mom never believed me.

I avoided relationships throughout my life and always thought of my parents first. So that accusation hurt me. Well I also look like an inbred lab rat and have a voice that sounds like nails on a chalkboard so it makes sense I wasn't in one.

My mom has essentially just raised me to be a "good girl", fit for marriage. She boasts to our relatives about how I'm 'quiet, innocent, soft spoken and obedient ', never go outside with friends, only go out with parents despite living in a big city.

And after all this, she mocks and humiliates me for being dumb and childish. And is the first to rage whenever I don't do well in studies. I fear for how things would go after graduation, I am still unprepared and terrible at academics and I highly doubt if I'll ever get a job. I am completely useless and talentless and below average at everything, that's a whole another story but let's save that for another vent post)

My dad? He doesn't care and just passively agrees with my mom.

I've wasted and sabotaged my life by being the obedient good girl who just told her parents everything. I've lost my own sense of control and autonomy or even just confidence in my own decisions. I confide in my parents for everything.

But some of their decisions have only caused me harm. And there's nothing I can do about it other than scream into the void like I'm doing right now and then go back to living my vapid meaningless mediocre eventless boring useless life.

I won't entirely blame my parents though. It's their first time at life as well. And it's my life and decisions after all. I am responsible for it. But I do wish things could've turned out differently. That I was a bit more 'normal'.

TL;DR: My strict parents controlled every aspect of my life. Stunted my social skills, didn't allow me to participate in hackathons, sabotaged friendships, accused me of being in a relationship, and mock and make jokes about what became a result of their parenting. And I'm left feeling completely hopeless.

I've always suffered with low energy levels and sleeping excessively, but recently things have extended beyond just that.

I get palpitations and tightness in my chest, throbbing headaches, tightness in my throat whenever I'm stressed. And in the worst cases, I also get a burning feeling in my chest and face and my whole body just heats up. And now all I did was write a vent post on reddit, and it was nothing very intense or traumatic, but still, suddenly my stomach and throat started hurting that I can't even get out of bed.

Does anyone else also deal with this? How do you tackle it?

I apologise if this is messy, I'm just venting my thoughts here. I might delete this later.

I can't be the only one who sees this. Difficult people are loved more. People are more than willing to accommodate, to compromise for someone who is difficult. They just get things their way. I simultaneously envy then while also resenting them.

I see it everywhere. Even at my own home. I'm the child who's loved less, tolerated less. I am reprimanded immediately at any hint of anger sensed from my end.

At school, teachers let bullies slide. It's only the victim who faces repercussions when they fight back. Difficult students fight back with their teachers, demanding extra marks and they usually got them as well.

Difficult people have better friends. Who are willing to do anything for them. They could insult someone and it's considered as good humour. Their lack of hesitation to be difficult is revered and labelled as confidence and authenticity. Meanwhile I'm just approached only when someone needs something. And I'm met with coldness and hidden animosity when I fail to meet these demands. And people think I'm fake and inauthentic just because I'm a more agreeable and accommodating person

Difficult women have amazing boyfriends who would give them the world and worship the ground they walk on. Their tantrums are rewarded with gifts. I see countless posts where women are rewarded with gifts for being angry at their boyfriends. Meanwhile mine only sends me half assed texts for any occasion, and puts way more effort for his friends than he ever would for me. And I can't even demand anything because it's something my conscience and guilt would never agree to. And he isn't toxic or problematic, never argues and immediately apologizes, however I'm just never a priority. And it's my first ever relationship and I've only known him for 2 month.

When I see difficult people winning in life, I just scream into the void like this, about how they're so undeserving and that I deserve it because I'm 'nicer'.

But in reality, there's nothing that makes me lovable or special. I'm awfully quiet, have an extremely boring personality, no talent, no hobbies, never been able to retain a friendship, and have the face of an inbred lab rat and the voice that sounds like nails on a chalkboard. And above it all, I'm cursed with a personality that perfectly accommodates to everyone in the world except for me. I am weighed down by empathy for the other person, and guilt and a conscience that always berates me, screams at me and never lets me to just exist in peace.

I've tolerated far too much conflict, forgiven too much. I'm my worst enemy and self inflict problems like this. And then blame the world and act like a misunderstood person. I think I'm not perfect either. But it's still unfair.

I'm glad I'm a human living in a modern day human civilization governed by laws. I don't think I would survive a day as a street cat/dog. Or any animal for that matter. I don't think accommodating animals exist, if they did they're probably dead.

I know this post is utter stupidity and makes no sense. I'm talking about being difficult, my own flaws and then about being an animal. I promise I'm not high on crack I'm just an overthinker.

TL;DR: I wish I was more difficult. Difficult people get more in life and I didn't. I hate myself and my personality, especially because I'm not difficult. And I'm too much of a pvssy to ever change myself as well.

I've realised that over the past few years, my vocabulary, speaking and writing skills, and ability to articulate my thoughts into words have drastically reduced, mainly due to the fact that I passively and mindlessly consume short spanned brainrot content through endless scrolling. It has been years since I've ever picked up a book or even read a long article. My attention span has considerably degraded.

What I'm aiming for:-

1. A complete change in my accent and tone of speaking

2. Speaking louder and enunciate words clearly

3. Preferably a distinct quaint accent that is reminiscent of the 70s-80s, there's something so oddly charming about the way people spoke in the past

4. No modern day slangs, no filler words, no long pauses between sentences

5. Be able to casually incorporate phrases and words that make me sound smart and articulate without seeming like a showoff

I apologise if this post is too specific, I don't know which other forums to visit to seek advice regarding this

Okay I know the title and post sounds problematic but I promise yall I'm not torturing thinkers in my basement. I'm just pretty frustrated so some of the things I say may seem kind of offensive or even not make sense.

I hate thinkers. I'm envious too, but more than that, I hate them. I've never been able to look at a thinker in a positive light or admire them. I've always had negative experiences with them. Their entitlement and arrogance always ticks me off. It's safe to say I would never keep a thinker around in my life. I could never trust a thinker.

But moreover than that, I also get very triggered when I see folks here praise them. I find it so stupid knowing that these folks actually only hate us and bully us and don't respect us. Well even if they didn't bully us, my hatred for them wouldn't disappear. I hate how people glorify everything about them. Meanwhile for us, the minute you say you're an INFP, people suddenly lose respect for you. Fucking hell I might just start introducing myself as a fucking LMNOP ultra rare sigma unicorn then.

Whenever I see a post "I'm an INFP and I love an INTJ!!" I just think "Nooo why would you put yourself through that". I also get annoyed by people who praise thinkers in general.

I am aware that this trait of mine isn't good and I should be working on it, because my hatred is just based on sweeping generalizations. There's no fixed rule that all thinkers are evil. Maybe I should just stay away from them, for their own good and mine, I can't see myself ever getting along with one.

I was wondering if anyone else here relates to me?

And to those who love thinkers, I'm genuinely curious, why?

TL;DR: I have an extreme and unhealthy hatred for thinkers, while also envying them. And I'm genuinely curious why some INFPs like them