u/rwedoomed

budget: is up to ~$1k/night not including food or other amenities (spa, etc.) and entertainment.

length: 1-2 nights.

timeline: end of May, or anytime in June/July

trying to decide if it's worth traveling somewhere for 1-2 nights or if we should just stay local. looking for a mix of relaxation with other "things to do" - be it restaurants, bars, spas, etc.

we live in Westchester so NYC is the obvious choice but also the hustle, bustle and heat of Manhattan in the late spring/early summer isn't the most relaxing. at any rate, here's a list I've come up with. I am not sold on any of these. thank you!

• Mayflower (Washington CT)
• Ocean House (Newport)
• Castle Hill (Newport)
• Shepherds Run Inn (South Kingstown)
• Mill Street Inn (Newport)
• The Vanderbilt (Newport)
• The Chanler (Newport)
• The Brenton (Newport)
• The Whalers Inn (Mystic)
• Winvian (CT)
• Saybrook Point Inn (CT)
• Greenwich Hotel (NYC)
• Crosby St Hotel (NYC)
• Dominick (NYC)
• Bowery Hotel (NYC)
• Carlyle (NYC)
• Surrey (NYC)
• Mandarin Oriental (NYC)

it seems everyone sings White Plains praises but...i don't think it's for me. for reference, we live in a house in one of the more desirable neighborhoods.

i am considering another town in the county - Pleasantville is up near the top of our list. i am wondering if anyone else has hopped around towns and found something as good/better than White Plains without an astronomical increase in housing costs?

We live in the suburbs of NYC. My job and family are here and my husband moved to my hometown 15 years ago to be with me. We have two elementary aged children.

I’ve known for a while that he’s not happy here - it’s become a running joke in our friend group that he dislikes this area. He told me this on a variety of occasions and we had one serious fight about it 12 years ago when I told him it was unlikely to happen. If we ever did move I figured it would be back to his home state of NJ - which is what we've discussed.

The other day my husband said he wanted to consider moving to Southern California - saying it’s always been a dream of his. He was passionate - almost desperate.

I told him I have absolutely no desire and I know I'd be miserable there - and resent him. I said I would consider NJ but couldn't promise no resentment.

I saw the light and excitement drain from his face.

The “logistics” and financials make sense - his career would have more upward trajectory though I am not as sure abut mine (I am an elementary teacher). The climate is obviously a huge improvement. My husband grew up by the ocean and he misses that nearly and wants to share that with the kids.

What he can’t explain away is the emotion of leaving my roots behind. I told him we could vacation there - even taking extended trips if we can make it work but otherwise I’m staying here for good - at least until I retire and/or my parents pass.

This is logical, right? Who would possibly drop everything and move across country on a whim?

Appreciate your advice and insight!

tl;dr: my husband wants to move across country. i don't. not sure where to go from here. we start couples therapy on Saturday.

EDIT: and we just had a huge fight where he told me this makes him feel unchosen and like i am choosing my job and my roots over him. i told him that is not fair to put it all on me and that he knew this coming into the relationship.

We live in the suburbs of NYC. My job and family are here and my husband moved to my hometown 15 years ago to be with me. We have two elementary aged children.

I’ve known for a while that he’s not happy here - it’s become a running joke in our friend group that he dislikes this area. He told me this on a variety of occasions and we had one serious fight about it 12 years ago when I told him it was unlikely to happen. The other day my husband said he wanted to consider moving to Southern California - saying it’s always been a dream of his. He was passionate - almost desperate.

I told him absolutely not and that I won’t even consider it. I saw the light and excitement drain from his face.

The “logistics” and financials make sense - his career would have more upward trajectory though I am not as sure abut mine (I am an elementary teacher). The climate is obviously a huge improvement. My husband grew up by the ocean and he misses that nearly and wants to share that with the kids.

What he can’t explain away is the emotion of leaving my roots behind. I told him we could vacation there - even taking extended trips if we can make it work but otherwise I’m staying here for good - at least until I retire and/or my parents pass.

This is logical, right? I mean…of the two of us - he’s living in a bit of a fantasy world. Who would possibly drop everything and move across country on a whim?

Appreciate your advice and insight!

this is going to be long so THANK YOU in advance if you can stick it out and offer perspective.

quick background. we have two kids; 5 and 4. we are excellent parents. we've been together for 15 years and married for 8. we met in my hometown and i ended up moving to her hometown. at the start of the relationship i pursued her pretty hard, she broke it off, i continued to pursue, and, long story short, here we are.

at the start of our relationship i let my wife know i was not fond of our living situation. i did not feel like i fit in this city. meanwhile, her roots are here. we live three blocks from her parents - the house she grew up in. she works down the street. we are inside her bubble. my disdain for the area had gotten to the point it became a running "joke" amongst our shared friend group. always in the background but not something i ever approached or discussed at great length outside of the one chat when we first started dating.

a bit about our relationship dynamic: i do 99.9% of the grocery shopping and ALL of the cooking, planning trips, house purchases, etc. my wife's main "chore" is laundry. we split childcare duties but i would say it's 65/35 in my favor.

about a month ago, 15 years in, i asked if she would ever consider moving somewhere else. she got very upset and defensive (rightfully so) and told me she could never imagine leaving her job or her family. telling me, in so many words, we're tied down here until my parents die and she retires. she then mentioned she "feels like roommates". this took me aback at first but the more i sat on it - i agreed. we show each other almost no affection outside of a goodbye peck in the morning. no random hugs or "i love you", no morning cuddles, etc. i thought i wasn't an affectionate person but i am the complete opposite with my children. i hug and kiss them constantly - both in private and in public. i shower them with affection and it has me worried that they've become my outlet for showing it. with my wife, initiating a hug feels almost awkward at this point - will she welcome it? this was further cemented after i stopped and realize maybe this is why i get so dramatically upset when i look at old photos of them - i realize the time is fleeting and once they're gone what's left for us?

wife and i share no physical hobbies. i surf, snowboard, ski, mountain bike, weightlift, run, cook, photography. she has no interest in any of this - or frankly anything as far as i can tell. she always tells me she'd like to start going to the gym but she is nervous she doesn't know what to do or "doesn't have enough time" even when i tell her i can help her get started or watch the kids or whatever. as such, our conversations are surface level and logistics-based ("how are the kids, how's the house, how was your day"). we can't really discuss life stuff because our interests don't intersect and because her life really revolves around job and kids - there's no real depth. date nights actually give me anxiety because i fear that we'll sit across from each other with nothing to talk about.

for better or worse i started talking to Claude (AI) to get its input. it made some assumptions about our relationship dynamic - and the fact that i don't like conflict so i've kept a lot of things bottled up (my dislike of our living situation, the missing affection, etc.). i have anxiety and OCD which i treat with medication and, now, therapy. my wife has undiagnosed but very apparent anxiety (she has no hobbies, won't try new things and has health anxiety).

i guess i could summarize my fears as, in 15 years how am i going to feel waking up in a location i like, in a quiet house next to a wife who i've lost connection with. and i had a breakdown. i immediately scheduled both individual and couples therapy (which we start next week).

all that being said, i love my wife. she's an excellent mother. she's dependable, reliable and an overall good person. she has done NOTHING "wrong" and, likely, doesn't know i think/know all of the above. my kids are the WORLD to me, to us, and ultimately i know we want to do right by them. i want to show them a loving, caring relationship BUT i also want to feel like a partner in this marriage. like my desires, needs, wants, dreams have a place at the table. not like i am conforming to her comforts and fitting inside her life. i think my wife loves me but i am not certain she is IN LOVE with me. i feel like a "convenient" partner. the dad that will drop everything to pick his kids up no matter the time of day, who will cook every meal, who will plan every trip and will do so without making a peep. i don't mind this but i would also like to feel chosen and desired. i would like our nights when the kids go to bed to be a little more of us together instead of living parallel.

i am hoping couples therapy gives us the tools to get this on the right path but i worry the dynamic has been built this way for so long that we have an uphill battle.

can anyone relate with the above? is there anything you can take away from this that might lead to some beneficial insight or advice? is there any hope?

thanks again for reading.

this is going to be long so THANK YOU in advance if you can stick it out and offer perspective.

quick background. we have two kids; 5 and 4. we are excellent parents. we've been together for 15 years and married for 8. we met in my hometown and i ended up moving to her hometown. at the start of the relationship i pursued her pretty hard, she broke it off, i continued to pursue, and, long story short, here we are.

at the start of our relationship i let my wife know i was not fond of our living situation. i did not feel like i fit in this city. meanwhile, her roots are here. we live three blocks from her parents - the house she grew up in. she works down the street. we are inside her bubble. my disdain for the area had gotten to the point it became a running "joke" amongst our shared friend group. always in the background but not something i ever approached or discussed at great length outside of the one chat when we first started dating.

a bit about our relationship dynamic: i do 99.9% of the grocery shopping and ALL of the cooking, planning trips, house purchases, etc. my wife's main "chore" is laundry. we split childcare duties but i would say it's 65/35 in my favor.

about a month ago, 15 years in, i asked if she would ever consider moving somewhere else. she got very upset and defensive (rightfully so) and told me she could never imagine leaving her job or her family. telling me, in so many words, we're tied down here until my parents die and she retires. she then mentioned she "feels like roommates". this took me aback at first but the more i sat on it - i agreed. we show each other almost no affection outside of a goodbye peck in the morning. no random hugs or "i love you", no morning cuddles, etc. i thought i wasn't an affectionate person but i am the complete opposite with my children. i hug and kiss them constantly - both in private and in public. i shower them with affection and it has me worried that they've become my outlet for showing it. with my wife, initiating a hug feels almost awkward at this point - will she welcome it? this was further cemented after i stopped and realize maybe this is why i get so dramatically upset when i look at old photos of them - i realize the time is fleeting and once they're gone what's left for us?

wife and i share no physical hobbies. i surf, snowboard, ski, mountain bike, weightlift, run, cook, photography. she has no interest in any of this - or frankly anything as far as i can tell. she always tells me she'd like to start going to the gym but she is nervous she doesn't know what to do or "doesn't have enough time" even when i tell her i can help her get started or watch the kids or whatever. as such, our conversations are surface level and logistics-based ("how are the kids, how's the house, how was your day"). we can't really discuss life stuff because our interests don't intersect and because her life really revolves around job and kids - there's no real depth. date nights actually give me anxiety because i fear that we'll sit across from each other with nothing to talk about.

for better or worse i started talking to Claude (AI) to get its input. it made some assumptions about our relationship dynamic - and the fact that i don't like conflict so i've kept a lot of things bottled up (my dislike of our living situation, the missing affection, etc.). i have anxiety and OCD which i treat with medication and, now, therapy. my wife has undiagnosed but very apparent anxiety (she has no hobbies, won't try new things and has health anxiety).

i guess i could summarize my fears as, in 15 years how am i going to feel waking up in a location i like, in a quiet house next to a wife who i've lost connection with. and i had a breakdown. i immediately scheduled both individual and couples therapy (which we start next week).

all that being said, i love my wife. she's an excellent mother. she's dependable, reliable and an overall good person. she has done NOTHING "wrong" and, likely, doesn't know i think/know all of the above. my kids are the WORLD to me, to us, and ultimately i know we want to do right by them. i want to show them a loving, caring relationship BUT i also want to feel like a partner in this marriage. like my desires, needs, wants, dreams have a place at the table. not like i am conforming to her comforts and fitting inside her life. i think my wife loves me but i am not certain she is IN LOVE with me. i feel like a "convenient" partner. the dad that will drop everything to pick his kids up no matter the time of day, who will cook every meal, who will plan every trip and will do so without making a peep. i don't mind this but i would also like to feel chosen and desired. i would like our nights when the kids go to bed to be a little more of us together instead of living parallel.

i am hoping couples therapy gives us the tools to get this on the right path but i worry the dynamic has been built this way for so long that we have an uphill battle.

can anyone relate with the above? is there anything you can take away from this that might lead to some beneficial insight or advice? is there any hope?

thanks again for reading.

tl;dr: my wife and i haven't been nearly as close as i think a healthy marriage should be - we have two kids we adore and we are starting couples therapy. i seem to think it's a lot deeper than my wife does.

this is going to be long so THANK YOU in advance if you can stick it out and offer perspective.

quick background. we have two kids; 5 and 4. we are excellent parents. we've been together for 15 years and married for 8. we met in my hometown and i ended up moving to her hometown. at the start of the relationship i pursued her pretty hard, she broke it off, i continued to pursue, and, long story short, here we are.

at the start of our relationship i let my wife know i was not fond of our living situation. i did not feel like i fit in this city. meanwhile, her roots are here. we live three blocks from her parents - the house she grew up in. she works down the street. we are inside her bubble. my disdain for the area had gotten to the point it became a running "joke" amongst our shared friend group. always in the background but not something i ever approached or discussed at great length outside of the one chat when we first started dating.

a bit about our relationship dynamic: i do 99.9% of the grocery shopping and ALL of the cooking, planning trips, house purchases, etc. my wife's main "chore" is laundry. we split childcare duties but i would say it's 65/35 in my favor.

about a month ago, 15 years in, i asked if she would ever consider moving somewhere else. she got very upset and defensive (rightfully so) and told me she could never imagine leaving her job or her family. telling me, in so many words, we're tied down here until my parents die and she retires. she then mentioned she "feels like roommates". this took me aback at first but the more i sat on it - i agreed. we show each other almost no affection outside of a goodbye peck in the morning. no random hugs or "i love you", no morning cuddles, etc. i thought i wasn't an affectionate person but i am the complete opposite with my children. i hug and kiss them constantly - both in private and in public. i shower them with affection and it has me worried that they've become my outlet for showing it. with my wife, initiating a hug feels almost awkward at this point - will she welcome it? this was further cemented after i stopped and realize maybe this is why i get so dramatically upset when i look at old photos of them - i realize the time is fleeting and once they're gone what's left for us?

wife and i share no physical hobbies. i surf, snowboard, ski, mountain bike, weightlift, run, cook, photography. she has no interest in any of this - or frankly anything as far as i can tell. she always tells me she'd like to start going to the gym but she is nervous she doesn't know what to do or "doesn't have enough time" even when i tell her i can help her get started or watch the kids or whatever. as such, our conversations are surface level and logistics-based ("how are the kids, how's the house, how was your day"). we can't really discuss life stuff because our interests don't intersect and because her life really revolves around job and kids - there's no real depth. date nights actually give me anxiety because i fear that we'll sit across from each other with nothing to talk about.

for better or worse i started talking to Claude (AI) to get its input. it made some assumptions about our relationship dynamic - and the fact that i don't like conflict so i've kept a lot of things bottled up (my dislike of our living situation, the missing affection, etc.). i have anxiety and OCD which i treat with medication and, now, therapy. my wife has undiagnosed but very apparent anxiety (she has no hobbies, won't try new things and has health anxiety).

i guess i could summarize my fears as, in 15 years how am i going to feel waking up in a location i like, in a quiet house next to a wife who i've lost connection with. and i had a breakdown. i immediately scheduled both individual and couples therapy (which we start next week).

all that being said, i love my wife. she's an excellent mother. she's dependable, reliable and an overall good person. she has done NOTHING "wrong" and, likely, doesn't know i think/know all of the above. my kids are the WORLD to me, to us, and ultimately i know we want to do right by them. i want to show them a loving, caring relationship BUT i also want to feel like a partner in this marriage. like my desires, needs, wants, dreams have a place at the table. not like i am conforming to her comforts and fitting inside her life. i think my wife loves me but i am not certain she is IN LOVE with me. i feel like a "convenient" partner. the dad that will drop everything to pick his kids up no matter the time of day, who will cook every meal, who will plan every trip and will do so without making a peep. i don't mind this but i would also like to feel chosen and desired. i would like our nights when the kids go to bed to be a little more of us together instead of living parallel.

i am hoping couples therapy gives us the tools to get this on the right path but i worry the dynamic has been built this way for so long that we have an uphill battle.

can anyone relate with the above? is there anything you can take away from this that might lead to some beneficial insight or advice? is there any hope?

thanks again for reading.

I have used AI (Claude) to help me organize my thoughts going into counseling. I will share them here in the hopes folks have some insight/feedback on my points of discussion. Everything came to a head about a month ago when I started discussing the future and dreams of eventually exploring a new part of the country. It devolved from there and culminated in her telling me she feels like roommates.

The dynamic may go back to the very beginning

—I pursued harder than she did from the start — traveled constantly, devastated by an early text breakup, pursued even harder after

—I may have always liked her more than she liked me — at least initially

—The desire gap didn't close upward — I dialed down to meet her level over time

—This pursuer/withholder dynamic may have been the template from day one

What's actually missing day to day

—Lightness and ease — tense date nights, quiet drives home, something that just doesn't feel right in ordinary moments

—Feeling desired and initiated toward — not just tolerated

—Being seen as a specific person she chose — not a stable fixture

—A future that feels like joint negotiation, not a closed verdict

—Warmth and genuine curiosity underneath everyday conversation — not just logistics

The conversation gap

—Most conversation is kids, work, house — that's managing a shared operation, not intimacy

—This is normal for the life stage — the issue isn't the topics, it's the absence of warmth and ease underneath them

—When the house goes quiet, there's no real sense of turning toward each other

—Hard to make eye contact — the body is saying something the words aren't

The perception mismatch — most urgent for Saturday

—She feels the connection has been improving — I can barely make eye contact

—She was shocked by weekly 60-minute sessions — she's picturing something much lighter than what this needs to be

—She doesn't know the depth of what I'm carrying — her sense of progress is built on the edited version of me

—Closing this gap may be the single most important thing Saturday needs to accomplish

What she doesn't know

—How much pain, rumination and sadness I've been carrying — she has no idea

—That I've been protecting her from knowing — which has deepened my isolation

—That I need the relationship itself to change — not just my tolerance of it

—That the geography question isn't really about a city — it's about feeling like my preferences and identity matter

What I need — at minimum

—To feel chosen, not convenient

—For my future to feel open, not decided

—For the sacrifice I've made to be seen — not rewarded, just seen

—To feel like myself inside this marriage, not an edited version

What to hold honestly (the other side)

—She's only ever seen the accommodating, edited version of me — she can't respond to what she doesn't know

—She may have her own unspoken fears or pain

—She chose me and built a life with me — "convenient" may be too harsh a frame

—Kids and logistics dominate most couples' conversations at this stage — that alone isn't the problem

—Some of my difficulty receiving connection may be the wound itself, not absence of connection

What I'm not going in to do

—Attack or assign blame

—Demand California

—Protect her from the truth of where I am

—Leave having only committed to fixing myself while the relationship stays unchanged

tl;dr: I've been quietly accommodating for 15 years, losing yourself in the process, and carrying significant pain your wife has no idea about. The relationship has likely run on a pursuer/withholder dynamic since before it started.

gonna keep this as quick as possible. i'm 40 years old and living in Westchester, NY - the suburbs of NYC. everyone praises this area as a great place to establish roots and that's exactly what we've done. my wife was born and raised here (i was raised in NJ) and we have two wonderful children.

but...i am MISERABLE. and have been for most of the 15 years i've lived here. i've been desperately wanting to move elsewhere (either SoCal or the PNW) and my wife has firmly told me that it's never happening.

my soul is crushed knowing i am, for lack of a better word, stuck here. can anyone relate? i know the common recommendations are diving into hobbies, taking more trips, etc. but i still come home to the same place. returning home from vacation is the most depressing thing ever.

this is as much a vent as anything else. sometimes it feels better to put it into words. the suffocating feeling of feeling like i'm not truly "home". ugh.

it seems this sub is largely younger, single folks. i am curious to hear from those that have made large moves at a later stage in life and how it impacted the family, etc.

thanks!