u/serif-maxxing

By sharing my success here, I hope that it can resonate with others who are able to recognise these signs, and seek appropriate help also.

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So I struggled a lot with food growing up, and would constantly eat uncontrollably beyond fullness, as is characteristic of anyone who have experienced binge eating.

The usual suspects however; stress, sadness, boredom, fear of scarcity, consequences of restriction, etc. did not apply to me, and for a long time, I felt hopeless.

To me, my urges felt like my body was a constant battle, between needing something sweet to balance something salty I just ate, and then needing something crunchy to balance something mushy I just ate, and then needing something cold to balance something spicy I just ate, and so on in an endless cycle.

Chewing gum did nothing to curb my urges. I needed to constantly have something new in my mouth. New flavours, textures, combinations, temperatures.

Only later in life, when seeking an ADHD diagnosis, did my psychiatrist realise. My abnormal eating habits and cravings, was actually a form of "sensory seeking." Because my brain was so understimulated, it sought stimulation through the mechanical action of consuming food (and not the actual nutritional content of the food itself).

Everything finally made sense. And when I got properly medicated with the right dose of stimulants, it was like my life finally started for the first time, and I no longer have the incessant cravings that have ruined my life up until that point.

I know not all binges are caused by the same things, but if anyone has been struggling to manage theirs, and have tried all the other usual avenues, it might be worth considering this as a potential reason.

(Clickbait title is clickbait)

Context below with a small TW for fatphobia:

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Over the past few months since living with her, she's been regularly joking about how she's just "soooo anorexic" and how she barely eats anything.

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Which is ok, cool, to say around someone who actually recovered and remembers the horrific periods where I would genuinely go into panic attacks, lose sleep, and feel s***dal over fucking food, something she never experienced herself.

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Even worse, she'd still go on to say things like "all the people around me are so fat and ugly and they're just jealous of me because I'm so anorexic and skinny compared to them."

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To which I'd nod and just go "ok ok" in response. It's her way of coping with people who bully her in real life, and I don't want to take that away from her, nor actively encourage it, so I tend to passively agree. I just wish she didn't throw the word anorexic around and think it suddenly makes her skinnier as a person.

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I tried bringing it up in the past, but she insists it's just a joke and she doesn't mean it when she uses that word, but I still can't help but side eye when she goes on to talk about how she must be anorexic because someone noticed she seemed smaller than usual.

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Keep in mind, she's at a normal BMI, and eats highly calorific instant noodles for dinner every day, loaded with additional ingredients, and while she doesn't eat much in the day, she snacks on multiple individually wrapped chocolate bars at night, so it's no surprise she's gaining weight despite not "eating much."

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So for her to get a reality check suddenly, I can't help but feel happy. Maybe she isn't the anorexic queen that she thought she was, and maybe it might make her reconsider calling herself skinny and others fat.

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Some of the size differences I've seen aren't even that extreme, and sometimes it's just based on how height can distort the way someone looks.

I didn't realise how prevalent this was until I had a friendship circle of mostly girls who shared similar experiences.

It's saddening to see how much value people base on a woman's appearance, and the way they weaponise these labels to pit them against one another. Then they turn around and act shocked when a lot of the girls end up having disordered eating habits and body image issues later down the line.

Anyone else can relate to this inexplicably normalised experience? I find it especially common in Asian cultures where unwarranted weight comments aren't as frowned upon as they are in the West.

Level two autistic here, and one strong symptom I exhibit, is taking things literally.

For example, despite multiple attempts at explaining the phrase "don't throw stones in a glass house," there's a barrier in my brain that just cannot process it. It's genuinely frustrating because I know what it's meant to be used for, but I just don't get it???

Lately it made me wonder.

After I had transitioned, I met with some of my parents' friends. A lovely older couple who somehow was much more accepting of my identity and name. They have a son who is older than me, but still lives with them since he has pretty severe down syndrome.

When he entered the room, they made a quip to me about how he's too intellectually disabled to understand what transgender is, but he's got the spirit. (Aka: don't be upset when he misgenders or deadnames you)

I'm in no way saying that autism spectrum disorder is on par with downs syndrome in terms of how it debilitates daily life and affects intelligence, however it made me realise that there really are people out there that mentally cannot process that what they see in the literal sense, is different from the metaphorical (myself included).

It finally explained why I struggle so much to call someone by their preferred pronouns when visually, they don't look like it. Part of it is just my cognitive disability making it difficult to understand nuances like this.

So therein lies the big question.

Is it transphobic of me to view people as binary images of what I perceive to be characteristics belonging to a certain gender?

Or is it ableist of people to not understand that not everyone can understand identities outside of the gender binary like they do?

Feel free to share your experiences if you relate, or chime in your thoughts.

On here, I regularly see people shaming family members and friends for wearing white to weddings and upstaging the bride. And every time I see those posts, I remember what I did years ago, and it makes me cringe every time.

Re-telling below:

Growing up, I didn't have a single dress, but my older sister had a full wardrobe full of formal dresses for school proms, balls, and parties.

When my (male) cousin had a wedding, I had to dress up for the first time, and decided to go through my sister's wardrobe to see what I could wear. I have a horrific build, and most of the dresses either didn't fit, or looked awful on me.

In the end, picked out an off white, empire waist dress, with a layered chiffon floor length skirt, and pearl bead detailed waist and neckline.

My mother said it was fine, my sister said it was fine, and here I was thinking I look great.

On the way to the reception, we passed through a busy street in the city, and some drunk guys yelled out asking where the bride is going off to. I thought nothing of it at the time- I mean I am wearing a white dress so I could be mistaken as a bride, but I'm clearly 16 years old and travelling with my family.

Then I got there, and saw the actual bride.

I'm not close to my cousin so I never met her, but from appearances alone, she was a tomboy type, and for her dress, she picked out a plain, single layer satin dress with no embellishments on the bodice, skirt, or neckline. Aside from her veil, she didn't have any other hair decorations. Meanwhile I'm standing there with a sparkly jewellery tiara I picked from my sister's accessories hoard. (I like sparkly things)

I'm very autistic, so I just concluded everyone being weird and awkward with me during the reception, was par for the course with such a big mix of people from different backgrounds.

The bride probably has never met me before so she must be shy, and her family probably feels the same way. My cousin probably didn't talk to me much because we're not close, and he's got so many other family and friends to talk to.

In hindsight, I probably looked like the biggest rudest (16 year old) idiot.

I haven't been invited to any more family related weddings since, but safe to say, I've learnt from my lesson, and definitely will be picking something green or NOT WHITE next time.

You're welcome.

Everyone knows food tastes bleh on it, but coming off, the first thing I eat always tastes incredibly complex and flavourful, completely indistinguishable from the exact same food I've literally eaten all my life.