u/shnlshn

The "enemies" part is dramatic, but

How do y'all navigate being friends with people who are friends with someone you don't rock with? We're not talking about people who have committed major harms against you like assault, abuse, theft. But someone you fell out with, never had closure/resolution even when you tried to initiate.

I know I should be more mature and not care. I don't know how to get there, and "fake it til you make it's is no longer an option.

I say yes.

IMO there's literally no reason to not want to date *any* trans person in the world, other than having an internalized view that trans people are bad/undesirable because of being trans. Not all trans people think, act, or even experience being trans the same way. So how can you say you don't like any of us at all, without it being transphobia, since that's the only thing that binds us?

There's a difference between saying, "I'm not interested in sex with someone with male genitalia" and "I don't date trans women." One is a specific desire/preference, the other is a blanket statement rooted in bias.

And sure, people can just "like what they like," but that doesn't mean that what they like isn't rooted in discrimination and worth interrogating. Even if people want to call it a preference, which it's not, it's still rooted in transphobia.

(To be clear, I'm not interested in convincing cis people to date trans people.)

What do y'all think?

Short version: being a Black androgynous 'twink' top = zero play, and idk what to do.

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When I first started T and through much of my 20s, I had my hoe phase. Would fuck pretty much anything that moved and wanted to fuck me. Even though I'm vers, pretty much all of these were me bottoming because I thought that's the way it had to be. For a while I was seeking gender affirmation through it all, believing that if gay men had sex with me they saw me as a man. I've since learned that that's silly and not at all true. I know I've been fetishized, used as an experiment, etc.

At this point I'm over that and looking for more substance, even with FWBs. I'm definitely not interested in being anyone's first trans man when it comes to me bottoming for penetration (I have more tolerance for it when it comes to oral, side, and kink play). My exception, maybe, is if I really got to know someone and vibe with them as a person enough to trust that I wasn't an experiment.

I'm finding that my boundary, not being anyone's first, severely limits potential connections. So does me being uninterested in bottoming (tired of boring, selfish tops). I'm also "twink built" and naturally very androgynous, flamboyant. And I look much, much younger than my age.

Lastly, I'm only into other Black men or men who are visibly of color and in community with BIPOC. I don't believe that men of color are less open or educated, but it does further shrink my pool.

It all adds up to me just being/feeling unattractive to a vast majority of men. If me being trans isn't an issue, me not being a bottom is. Or me not being masculine enough, not being buff enough, not passing in a burly way. I know that the apps aren't a realistic way to judge things because everyone is seeking their fantasy, but this is also true in real life for me. I never really get attention from gay men, and on the rare occasion I do it's always them pigeonholing me into being a bottom.

I'm not sure what I would do with that attention if I got it tbh. At one point I was talking to my therapist about how I feel like anytime a cis man is attracted to me I tend to feel fetishized...generally because they never seem to show actual interest in my pleasure. I was recently getting to know someone and it was going at a lovely pace, but that all blew up due to him not respecting my "no."

All of this is on top of the typical issues of the people I like not liking me, the people who like me not being my type, and just connecting with people in a "dating" pool full of asparagus pee.

For a while I've settled for various types of play with femmes and non-binary people, but it's just not fulfilling and makes me feel like a service top. And the gay trans man population in my area is abysmal.

😭😭😭

I'm grateful for the increased representation of trans men in gay porn, but I don't actually watch it and I'm wondering if that's weird or if there are others who can relate to my "why."

(1) I'm not a white trans man and I'm tired of seeing white trans men.

(2) I am not a bearded, muscular, rugged trans man and I'm tired of seeing them as well (or the polar opposite, femboys).

(3) I'm tired of mostly seeing trans men bottoming, and the few times when we're tops I never see anyone who looks like me (Black, androgynous without trying).

(4) I end up feeling dysphoric because I'm not the type of trans man anyone really desires, including other trans men, and especially not as the top.

I've realized that I actually don't watch much gay porn in general. It just doesn't do anything for me because I don't see people who look like me or the people I'm attracted to.

I don't really know what advice people could give, I guess this is just open for conversation if anyone can relate.

I have been on the apps for a long time and I'm comfortable navigating them. Something I've consistently noticed is that whenever I reach out to other trans guys, it can be 2 in the morning and I lead with "wanna get put through a mattress?*", but inevitably they'll get on some bro and "let's chitchat about surgery" shit.

I'm curious: are y'all talking and flirting with other trans guys the same way you do, or desire to, with cis men on the apps? Or does it always switch to a less horny energy, at least right away?

** this is not my actual opening line, just an example of how blatantly obvious I can be about my intention.

I was never formally trained as a dancer and I'm not looking to be a professional. I look at dance as a way to connect with my body and feel confident. My goal is to be able to dance around at home or with friends and feel good, look good, but not to perform. My main styles of dance are vogue, house, and hip hop.

I'd like some feedback/advice about a few things:

(1) I've always struggled to remember choreography. I know repetition is key, but it seems like I can't even remember movements enough to then repeat them. This happens in classes and when I try to learn from slowed down videos.

(2) I can't seem to grasp some motions correctly, so then it doesn't flow right, and my body feels that awkwardness. It's hard for me to look at someone and copy what they're doing, especially when I'm viewing it mirrored. So my body ends up getting all tangled up with motions and nothing makes sense.

(3) I tend to be hard on myself when I don't get something right the first few times I try it. It's as though I want to be a "naturally gifted person," not someone who has to claw their way up to basic skill. I also hate looking/feeling awkward. I've built more resilience and tolerance, enough to push through classes when I'm clearly not getting it, but this also happens when I'm at home trying to learn from an IG video. I end up feeling really stupid because I'm not getting it and then I have no one to ask for help, so I give up.

(4) Finding dance community? The classes offered in my city don't really line up with my interests and are often happening when I work. Suggestions on other ways to meet other dancers?

I (30s, trans man) have been getting to know this guy (30s, cis man). I've experienced sexual violence and shared with him relatively early on that I don't like being grabbed or pinned by my wrists. The day I told him he went on to attempt to do it, but then realized what he was doing and stopped. Cool. Fast forward a few months, I go visit him and things are getting hot. We're enjoying each other in bed and he puts his hand around my wrist for a light hold and pin. I didn't have the total shutdown reaction I thought I would, but it also took me out of the moment and I found myself dealing with my anxiety more than being present. I said nothing in the moment and things continue on. He did it a few more times.

After thinking on it for a few days, I realized that while it wasn't totally horrible and I am open to being touched like that, I need him to ask if it's okay before just doing it. His response was to tell me:

(1) He didn't remember that I had set that boundary, multiple times, until I brought it up again. (He's forgetten lots of things about me, which is a small red flag, but given circumstances have I bit more compassion.)

(2) How as a cis man he hasn't really been taught to ask for consent, so it's new to him and he needs time to learn/acclimate.

(3) That I should continue to remind him of this boundary because he knows he will forget again since we don't see each other often.

The conversation went on a bit more and, from the perspective of me and some friends I show the texts to, he seemed to just get more and more defensive. At some point I just dropped it and we haven't talked since.

At first I was wondering if this counts as assault, but it does because he's literally doing something against my consent. So now that I understand that, I'm wondering if anyone has ever dealt with these sorts of situations when dating someone. Outside of this and trying to kiss me when I've also told him I don't like kissing, he's been sweet. That said, these are consent matters, which means they will surely rear their head in other ways.

Much of this will depend on how he moves over the next few weeks. If he doubles down, I'm outta there. But if he seems open to actionable growth, I'm not entirely sure what my next step will be. On one hand, there were forms of touch that I enjoyed and feel safe continuing to do with him. On the other hand, I don't know that someone who doesn't respect my consent at any level should have any sort of physical access to me. I also try to move with some grace because I know we're all capable of harm, I don't think he has malicious intent, and I don't necessarily believe in disposing of people because they messed up.

I know that sometimes weird consent things happen in relationships and people move past them, so I guess I'm wondering how that works. Or what other folks would do.

I originally started to ask this question for the gay men who are tops and bottoms, but would rather expand it to be inclusive of everyone.

So, however the question applies to whatever kind of sex you have, what makes someone a good partner for sex, to you?

I've been on T fairly consistently for about 15 years. Had heard that it's recommended for trans men to get a hysto once they hit 10 years, but never thought much of it. Recently people around me have been getting them so I'm looking into it. 

Other than the fact that I don't want to have kids, I'm not sure what the purpose of getting one is. I do bottom for people with dicks, and I'm very strict about condom use. But I don't have any pain, random spotting (unless I miss a shot), etc.

It's starting to seem like it's more trouble than it's worth. I would still be using condoms after the fact due to STIs, I don't have any known medical concerns involving my setup, and being out of work for a couple of weeks is not great. I've just gotten comfortable with bottoming and it would really hate to lose depth, wetness, etc. The idea of having to take hormones the rest of my life also sounds a little daunting, especially given the political climate.

Why did you get one?

Nashville lacks a train station, so I'm also curious about the Milwaukee-Nashville trip via Greyhound since it's less time and more affordable + no transfers. (I'm looking into a train to Memphis + bus to Nashville, too.)

I used to travel by Megabus, longest trip maybe 6 hours overnight. Have done long road trips so all the sitting is not a problem assuming there are at least a few stops where I could stretch my legs. I know Greyhound can be sketch, especially for overnight trips. Just wondering about people's general experience with this specific route.

This is an open conversation. I'd like to get more perspectives from men (trans or cis) who are openly gay/queer, naturally masculine in energy and/or aesthetic, and not exclusively masc4masc. Just curious.

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(1) Do you ever worry about being perceived as a hetero couple when dating someone androgynous or fem?

(2) What aspects of femininity do you connect to?

(3) Do you struggle finding queer community because you "don't look gay"?

(4) What does your friend circle look like? What kind of spaces do you feel most comfortable socializing in?

I'm hoping to have some conversation about what it's like to be a Black transmasc butchqueen or femme dating a Black gay cis man. The butchqueen/femme part is important because pretty much every gay trans man I know is very masculine, and that changes some of the relational dynamics and optics of things.

As a starting point: I'm newly talking to a guy and experiencing some moments where I think dysphoria, which I rarely experience, comes up. Moments like when he hugs or holds me around the waist, or the recognition that he presents more masc and I worry that that will cause us to be perceived as a straight couple (my androgyny + style gets me misgendered regularly).

I'm also curious about what your support circles look like. So, so, sooooo many trans people and sapphic folks hate men. And I get it. But I love Black men and masc folks. Always have, always will, there's nothing anyone can do to make me hate them/us. So it's become increasingly hard to even have anyone to talk to about my experience.

Sex is another topic I'd like to explore, especially with people who aren't strict bottoms.

Open to delving into other things that come up for people at this intersection of identities and experiences. The goal here is just to find some people like me to talk to about these things.

I'm hoping to have some conversation about what it's like to be a Black transmasc butchqueen or femme dating a Black gay cis man. The butchqueen/femme part is important because pretty much every gay trans man I know is very masculine, and that changes some of the relational dynamics and optics of things.

As a starting point: I'm newly talking to a guy and experiencing some moments where I think dysphoria, which I rarely experience, comes up. Moments like when he hugs or holds me around the waist, or the recognition that he presents more masc and I worry that that will cause us to be perceived as a straight couple (my androgyny + style gets me misgendered regularly).

I'm also curious about what your support circles look like. So, so, sooooo many trans people and sapphic folks hate men. And I get it. But I love Black men and masc folks. Always have, always will, there's nothing anyone can do to make me hate them/us. So it's become increasingly hard to even have anyone to talk to about my experience.

Sex is another topic I'd like to explore, especially with people who aren't strict bottoms.

Open to delving into other things that come up for people at this intersection of identities and experiences. The goal here is just to find some people like me to talk to about these things.