u/shrimptoastee

Just wanting to write….

TW mentions of abuse

Edit re submission because user flair (pls no hate I am new to Reddit)

This is probably all over the place because I am autistic and adhd, many other things. Please bare with my scattered brain.

I’m 31F (ftmtf) but I don’t like to say I was trans… I grew up in a very strict conservative family and couldn’t ever express myself. My parents wanted me to be the perfect girl. Perfect family, my parents have very fake fronts- have to show good for every body. They only care about face and no love or emotional care from them. There would always be fighting between us, I was just a t shirt and shorts girl not dress up. I would also get mad at them saying I couldn’t do certain things because I was a girl. I would sneak clothes out the house to wear. They would come in my room and take my clothes when I wasn’t there. Puberty came and my breasts grew. I’ve always hated them. I had a math tutor through out high school who would be inappropriate with me. Also some male friends. My mom did nothing. I began keeping my feelings to myself. To not seem weak I just kept everything inside and would think men never have it this hard. I hated the way my body was perceived by men. It grossed me out. Now that I think on it I just needed time in my own body because I am autistic. I thought it would be better if I change genders. I started down a rabbit hole of social media and trans people saying they’ve been feeling much better and depression is cured because they have switched genders. I also was running around with the wrong crowd of people. People who i thought were my friends but were not.

Fast foward 4 years later.

I have a new family who adopted me now and I’m getting the love I deserve from them. So much that I’ve come out my defense shell and I am back to being woman again and finally embracing my feminine. We are Buddhist and my adopted mom has been praying for this moment since she met me. She knew right away I wasn’t meant to be a man. I’ve been over two years off testosterone after being on for 4. Lots of positive changes- hairline came back, voice is back to normal- my family and friends have said it sounds like I did before transitioning. I’m in a better mood. I was never that hairy to begin with, I’m pale and light haired- I consider myself lucky but I do have to shave my face. I’m started to build my life up with love and hope. I will get electrolysis eventually. I have also had a masectomy. I’ve always hated my chest because I didn’t like what happened to me growing up. This is one of my regrets and eventually I will get a breast augmentation to have them back but in the meantime I’m learning to love myself and reading your posts has helped me a lot here as well.

Thanks for reading I just wanted to write this out. I still get upset about how my bio mom did nothing…. I’m so lucky to have my adoptive mum now.