u/simone_snail_420

Note: Can someone please read this and respond? I'm really struggling here /:

TLDR: I have bipolar. I spent several years questioning my marriage and behaving erratically. I finally got treatment and am stabilizing. I'm falling back in love with my husband, but the damage has been done. I'm fine with the idea of being a single mother and am considering freezing my eggs. Sad and stressed.

I'm 33. I have a good job. I'm not super well paid yet but I get by and am working my way up. I've always known I want to be a mother. But the clock is ticking. I know I still "have time" but I also need to be realistic about the limit to that time. Time passes fairly quickly if you let it.

I've been with my husband for 7 years and married for 4. Our relationship started out as a beautiful passionate love story. It still is a beautiful love story imo but our marriage is complex. It's not that I'm not happy in the marriage, though that has been true at some points.

I have bipolar 1, which I have suspected for several years and did take some medication for. But the med I was on was not sufficiently treating it. I was only officially diagnosed about a month ago and started in a new med that is going well so far. (Note: please don't tell me I shouldn't have children if I'm bipolar. It's a personal decision and that's not what I'm looking for input on. Though I do know I need to be mentally stable and treated before having children).

For some context, bipolar usually manifests in one's late 20s and is progressive if not properly treated. My depressive episodes made me unbearably unhappy in general, but also in the marriage. I began questioning the marriage about 2-3 years ago and communicated this to him about 2 years ago. I was unhappy in general, there are some behaviors of his that bother me (he's not perfect, but who is? Obviously not me either), I also began wondering if I'm a lesbian (I'm bisexual, always have been, I've settled this question for myself now). Either way, it broke his heart. We tried to work on things. He gave me time. But everytime I became depressed I would begin questioning the marriage again.

On top of that, when one is in a manic episode, their prefrontal cortex basically stops working (the part of the brain responsible for judgment and decision making) and the brain is flooded with dopamine, which leads to extreme impulsivity. So my manic episodes led me to do some insane things including, not direct cheating, but breaking/pushing some of his boundaries (we are polyamorous/non-monogamous and have been for the entirety of our relationship and marriage). My breaking/pushing his boundaries, on top of questioning the marriage, led to a significant amount of turmoil in our household and stress for him. My behavior was unpredictable and it took a big toll on his own mental health. Oh I should also mention, because of the relationship uncertainty, we haven't had sex in about a year, but we have still maintained hugs and cuddling and holding hands. We were kissing too but that stopped recently.

Anyways, as mentioned, I recently got diagnosed and medicated. I also got sober and started going to therapy again. (I'm not an alcoholic but rather quit bc alcohol/weed/etc is bad for bipolar). I finally feel stable after years of up and down turmoil with my mental health. I started falling in love with him again and thought I could re-become the kind of woman he'd want to be with again.

But the damage was done.

About a month ago he sent me a series of really intense texts at 5am when I was staying over at a friends. He said we needed to start looking for separate apartments. I came home to find his wedding ring off his finger and placed on my bedside table.

On top of everything else, I'm an immigrant and I've applied for permanent residency through spousal sponsorship but it hasn't been approved yet. The PR application has a co-habitation requirement. A few weeks ago he called me and said he viewed an apartment. So in addition to everything, my immigration status would be fucked if he moved out and I'd probably have to move out of the country and away from my job (that I worked my ass off for and love) in a year. This threw me into a complete tailspin. Since then, things have settled down and he said he won't move out, but the stress and feeling of betrayal was next level.

He's softening to me again a bit. We're both back in the house (he stayed elsewhere for about a week) and we are hugging and cuddling again. No kissing though. But maybe there is hope.

Anyways. Another bit of context. Ever since I was young, like about 13, I had imagined myself as a single mother. I think the heteronormative script of monogamy always felt limiting to me. When I was 13, my friends and I would write short stories about our future selves and, even at that age, I always wrote myself into the stories as a single mother. So, I'm open to unconventional paths, I just know I want to be a mother. I don't feel ready immediately, but within the next few years.

I've been considering freezing my eggs, but money is a barrier. I'm thinking of asking my abusive parents for an early inheritance to pay for egg freezing...

Bless your heart if you read it all.

I have a system but it's pretty loosey goosey and I know there must be a better, more systematic way.

Would love to hear others' techniques!

Big question. I know.

Surely, the true nature of God probably isn't really able to be captured in human language.

But, if you had to try?

So I know this has been asked here before (many times I'm sure), but I want to start a fresh conversation about it.

I'm currently unmedicated (waiting to see psychiatrist, soon!!!)

I'm really eager to get medicated but I am worried it will dull my spark and creativity.

When I'm manic I get SUPER inspired and creative, which I am going to miss.

However, what makes me feel better is remembering that when I'm depressed I also completely lack any creative spark. So perhaps the meds will actually help with that?

I would love to hear from anyone who is medicated but still engaged regularly in creative practices.

Thanks! <3

Title says it all. Let us know!

This sub is pretty heavy most of the time.

Sometimes I find it helpful to just laugh about the insane thoughts I've had while manic.

So, what's the most manic thought you've had?

The one that takes the cake for me is "I should start my own religion" lol.

Hi,

I'm (33F) coming down (very slowly...) from a manic episode. I'm currently unmedicated :( and waiting for an appt. with a psychiatrist.

I got sober 1 month ago due to the episode. It has helped a lot but I am still manic. I am very in touch with my faith and spirituality right now. Which I need during this time of getting sober and processing trauma and feeling generally insane while I wait to get medicated.

My friend, who is also bipolar, said when she is medicated she feels disconnected from her faith and spirituality. I really don't want this to happen to me :(

Anyone have experiences to share?

Thx!! <3