I'm having so many hallucinations. Every few seconds, something happens.
I'm hearing so many things. Seeing colors, flashing lights, people, animals, body parts, blood. I see a sliding glass door and my brain puts a person in the opening with their fingers on either side of them, like they're crawling through the door. The figures I see are unnatural and inhuman. It's kind of like I'm living in an analogue horror story, where the alternates have some deformity that gives you this feeling like, "this is not a human being."
I can't tell the people around me because they will write it off as me needing a medication adjustment. They'll shrug and say, "See a psychiatrist." I don't have one. It's hard to get one for some reason.
I'm having tactile hallucinations of sexual assault. The sensations of the trauma. It's wearing my psyche thin. I feel disgusting most of the time, like I'm a piece of meat that has been rotting out in the sun.
I feel like if I tell my girlfriend all of these thoughts, she'll leave me because this is too much to deal with. My shit goes deep and is very intricate. Explaining everything makes me sound like I'm going mad. I want her to understand so we can work through this together instead of me hiding this whole world I have going for myself and eventually ending in a big bang.
I'm having issues with sleep, too. I have a really hard time trying to go to sleep. It's like putting a vessel to sleep and making it rest when it wants to go do something active. I'm not my body; I'm an entity controlling it and telling it what to do.
I really need to get the hallucinations under control, but I don't know if any psychiatrist will take me in if I don't have insurance. I have to sign up for Medicaid.
If you read this far, you're a real one for listening to my rambles. It makes me feel heard.