u/smoochie444

I’ve cried during my last two practical assessments at school and I genuinely don’t know how to stop myself from reacting this way lol

I’m in a hands-on medical program, so a lot of our assessments involve performing practical skills in a lab while an instructor watches and evaluates us. I’m already anxious because I know I’m being assessed, and if I can tell that I’m not performing as well as I normally can, I start getting really disappointed in myself.

Then when the instructor gives me feedback and basically confirms what I already know, even if they’re being completely kind about it, the tears just appear and it feels like I have absolutely no control over it.

For example, after my most recent assessment my instructor told me that I did well overall, but she could tell the pressure got to me and that she’s seen me perform much better before. She wasn’t harsh at all, and I actually agreed with her. But hearing someone else say it when I was already disappointed in myself was enough to make me cry.

This has happened before too. During an assessment last semester, I didn’t feel confident going into it and actually started crying while I was still doing the assessment. Not full-on sobbing, it’s never like that, but more-so just tears rolling down my face trying to continue on with my task.

The frustrating part is that I can’t really “decide” not to cry. Once I feel that anxiety, disappointment in myself, pressure combo my eyes just start watering before I can get a handle on it. I know logically that feedback is normal and necessary, and I don’t take constructive criticism as someone attacking me.

If anything, I think it hits harder when I already know I could have done better.

I’m naturally a pretty sensitive person, and honestly I like that about myself. I don’t necessarily want to become less emotional or develop some super thick skin. But I do want to be able to receive constructive feedback and get through high-pressure situations without immediately crying or really feeling like I’m about to.

Has anyone else dealt with this? Is there anything you can actually practice to stop the physical crying response once you feel it starting?

I’m genuinely a big baby and I’ve made peace with that part of my personality lol. I just need to learn how to be a big baby that can get through an assessment, maybe be sad about it, but not cry about it.

I think I love you.

There. I said it somewhere you’ll probably never see it, because saying it to you feels like crossing a line I’m not ready to uncross.

Maybe you already know. I actually think you do.
You’re always trying to get inside my head. Asking me how I feel about you, what I’m thinking, why I’m thinking it, never happy with the surface level stuff. You collect little pieces of me like you’re trying to solve something. Sometimes I wonder if you’re waiting for me to say it first. Like maybe you need to know you’re not crazy before you let yourself be crazy too.

And God, I want to tell you.

I want to tell you that when you call me yours, some part of me believes you.

That should probably scare me more than it does.

You’ve always had this way of making possession sound like care. You don’t just want the pretty parts. You want to know what I’m worried about. You ask about Kiara, ask how you can help. You ask who is taking care of me when things are hard. You tell me to put it on you. That you’ll handle it. You want my thoughts, my feelings, and apparently my brain (you’re crazy for that btw).

And somehow, with you, that doesn’t make me want to run.

It makes me want to give you more.

That might be the most dangerous part.

Because this isn’t a game to me anymore. I don’t know if it ever really was. There are parts of us that belong behind closed doors, things I’d never try to explain to anyone else, but you’ve somehow woven yourself into the ordinary parts too. I want to tell you stupid things about my day. I want to see your face. I want your good mornings and goodnights. I want to know what you’re doing. I get jealous. I miss you embarrassingly fast. I like making you happy. I like when you’re proud of me. I like being soft with you.

I love how soft you are with me.

And then sometimes you say things that catch me completely off guard.

“You’ve grown. You’ve grown into a beautiful woman. You’re glowing.”

I don’t know if you know what that did to me. You’ve known me long enough to know that I have. You knew versions of me that don’t exist anymore.

And when you told me I would be an amazing mom, I carried that one with me too.

Maybe you didn’t think twice about saying it. I did.

Maybe that’s what changed.

Or maybe you changed.

You feel steadier now. More certain. Less like someone I have to brace myself around and more like someone I could actually lean into. When I ask what you do with your worries and you simply tell me you handle them, I believe you. When you tell me to give you mine, a frightening part of me wants to.

I could actually trust you to handle me.

Do you understand how terrifying that is?

There are complications. Big ones. There are lives outside of this little world we keep making together. There are questions I don’t have answers to and choices I am nowhere near ready to put into words. Maybe that’s why I keep trying to keep one foot outside the door.

But then you say you miss me.

You tell me you want me there.

You tell me to come closer.

And I do.

Every single time.

You once showed me a song you grew up listening to with your dad. I wonder if you even remember.

I do.

Red Light Spells Danger.

Funny.

I saw the red light.

I just never stopped.