u/ukuLotus

Background: Before IF I was eating a very restricted diet, mostly for health reasons and partly for weight reasons. When I started IF, I felt inspired to take the restrictions off just to see what would happen. Even though I’ve been eating more sugar and carbs than before, I have felt inspired to keep only clean foods around (whole foods, and if packaged, short lists of whole food ingredients), and it’s felt pretty effortless to stay in a calorie deficit. Even when I went to a neighborhood potluck I was miraculously able to moderate my dessert intake.

This weekend, I am at someone’s house. In their freezer are several kinds of frozen custard, which are tempting but also happened to contain corn syrup - not something I want to be eating. I decided that for the holiday, I would buy myself an ice cream with clean ingredients that I feel better about eating. I already eat a nightly serving of something sweet, so it shouldn’t be that different, right?

I bought an ice cream flavor that I used to really love, and had a serving after my meal yesterday. I should note that in hindsight, I also had this while I was watching a movie: a huge mistake that has led to binges in the past. First thing I noticed; it didn’t taste nearly as good as I thought it would. Second thing I noticed; it didn’t take long for me to start wanting more than what I had allocated for myself.

I went ahead and gave myself a little bit more. But then I noticed that I started wanting more food; I really missed the satisfaction that I’ve been feeling most evenings! I felt extremely unsatisfied and missed my nightly bowl of granola with fruit and kefir. I also started having cravings, and wanted to eat everything in the house! Ended up going way over my calorie allotment. This morning, I am feeling the effects on my body.

So, lesson learned. Even though both have sugar/carbs, it seems that my nightly granola with fruit and kefir is somehow much more satisfying and probably lower glycemic. Seems that insulin spike sent me into a tailspin that had me *hunting* for more, just like a drug. And, I really do need to separate food from watching any kind of movies/tv/etc. The combo of the two is deadly for me.

I've placed myself on a very restricted diet, but every couple of months I've been sliding off and ended up having some things with sugar, wheat, and peanut butter. Not every time, but often enough, the next day I feel like I'm coming down with a really bad cold, with a sore throat, very runny nose, achy jaw and neck, and nonstop sneezing. It doesn't come immediately like a typical histamine reaction, but later in the evening or even the next day. Same happens if I have alcohol, though that has been easier to abstain from. Wondering if anyone else has experienced this?

Never posted here before, but seems like other RBN might understand this situation. Sorry for the long post, but I didn’t think it would make sense without all the context.

A little background: I always wanted to dance (and perform) as a kid, and my mother always had some excuse why I couldn’t. I wasn’t behaving well enough, my grades weren’t good enough, etc. Then as an adult I felt like I couldn’t because I was far less experienced.

I also went NC for a while about 15 years ago and since then my mother has had much more respectful behavior with me.

Recently the universe brought me a beautiful opportunity to both dance and help choreograph in a small performance. I am so excited! So the last time I spoke with my mother, she asked about visiting. Now I haven’t seen her in a few years (last time it was me who came to her), because I was waiting to see if she’d ever visit me. I’ve been living where I am for 6 years and she’s never asked, but I have offered. There have always been excuses why she couldn’t (she has always been very weird and selfish about how she uses vacation days).

About a month ago she called me and said she’d like to visit. I told her about the performance, since it’s coming up in a couple of months. When I told her she of course wasn’t listening, so I just paused and waited. It took a full minute for a response. Then she expressed excitement for me and we talked about visiting dates where she could see the show. I of course had conflicting feelings - she would have to stay with me, what if she makes it all about her, etc, but just let it go figuring I’d give her the opportunity to be a supportive human, and knowing the universe would take care of me. Sometimes my mother does surprise me, especially since I’ve learned to just distance myself from her tantrums. She was concerned that my aunt would be there, but I told her it should be pretty easy for my aunt to come one day and her another. (she decided to cut my aunt off a few years ago because my mother didn’t stick to her side of the inheritance agreement and my aunt was insistent that she follow through).

Pretty soon after there was an agitated text message asking what day my aunt will be there, and I didn’t know, so told her that. In the scheme of the visit it doesn’t make a big difference since the two days are back to back and she’s considering coming for several days. I figured closer to the performance we’ll just figure it out.

After 2 weeks with no response, yesterday she called and left me this very agitated message saying that she’s so busy with work in June (performance is end of July/beginning of August) and since I wont find out what day my aunt is coming (never said I wouldn’t, I just haven’t spoken with her yet), she doesn’t want drama so why don’t we just pick another time where we can have relaxing time because she’s taking *vacation days* after all.

My only response has been about the dates. She responded “I know that.  It s just that it’s hard to get days at all and it is 1. Your performance and 2 my vacation time and I don’t need drama.  We will make it another time”

My first response was to try and fix it, she’s being unreasonable and jumping to conclusions, but I’ve decided not to respond at all right now and just leave her with her own imaginary drama. Ironically, silence usually does a better job sending her the message than straightforward communication and it’s a lot less work for me. It’s not my job to fix her angry false perceptions of the world and other people.

Im not surprised, though my feelings are hurt, but I’m reminding myself that I’ve probably dodged a bullet here. I guess this is the universe taking care of me. It’s a great reminder that yes, my mother will always be a narcissist and make everything all about her.

Has anyone else experienced this kind of flare that just gets worse and worse without further triggers?

Back on Tuesday I had literally one bite of meat that I realized was a little spicy. Right away I took 3 or 4 prelief. Usually the next day is the biggest reaction and I was relieved it was pretty small. However, it’s been steadily getting worse each day since then. That doesn’t usually happen in my flares and I can’t figure out why. I haven’t eaten anything triggering since then and supplements have only been oregano oil, iodine, and ginseng which previously haven’t been an issue.

I got my first haw (mirabilis mundula) about a month ago and fell in love, and when I saw this one I got so excited, since I don't usually see these in the plant stores locally. This one is unlabeled, but I *think* it's a cymbiformis. Wanted to check and see if y'all agree?

Also wondering if these lighter variegations like more direct light, or if they still prefer the typical indirect light. TIA!

https://preview.redd.it/wvblvlkpjs2h1.jpg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=52057069b772994234770fda75c40fde87a72b69

https://preview.redd.it/szjctlkpjs2h1.jpg?width=3024&format=pjpg&auto=webp&s=b08b7dfff1f5f13d1d059e748cd90a69ede70451