u/worthless-0022

i tried every coping method- messed up ones included. i dont know what to do anymore im giving up.
im considering SH again and im always feeling that chest heaviness and nausea and i just cant anymore.
im tired of being yelled at everyday over nothing. judged over everything. feeling like a nobody. feeling shame and guilt and frustration 24/7 because he makes me feel like such a fucking burden every second that i see him (when i do, that is). im so tired. i have nobody to text nobody to call and no coping mechanism. im scared snd concerned for my own wellbeing. this isnt even the only thing going on rn- my bpd is acting up these past few days more than usual cuz i watched as my Ex moves on from me like i never existed even though we dated for two years. i feel like every male figure in my life has either abandoned me or hated me or both. i cant keep feeling like this my heart hurts im so tired im sooo tired. the creepy coping mechanisms helped for a few days but now i feel even worse.

just checked my ex's (fp) reposts. i really should not have.
hes reposting about things i had begged him for before, and hes reposting things about "finally experiencing true love", "when youve been single your whole life but then --" stuff like that. reposts about how hes falling in love with someone new. reposts about the gym, and overall a good mindset- which he never had before and i had begged him to change himself for himself not even for me. i was already going through alot in our relationship but i still held him down and was doing everything for him and not me. and now, ive been completely erased. i have absolutely no friends and no one to talk about this too. i feel nauseous. i feel like i wanna cut again i feel so frustrated and idk i cant explain it. we dated two years but knew each other way longer than that. we were so damn in love. we were planning to get married next year. i can't stop crying

i never realised how divided opinions are on this albums and i dont see why. i like it. what do you think?

i feel like the lyrics can be interpreted very differently and im interested in peoples perspectives. just for fun!

(19F, diagnosed BPD.) idk how to talk about this but i always feel this constant shame and guilt regardless of if i actually did something wrong or not.
im always on edge like someone about to catch me in the act.. what act? idk. i always feel like what im doing is wrong or ingenuine.
if i try to interact with people i feel like a predator, even though i just want friends.
when i try to accept my partners love, i feel like im manipulating them.
when i try to enjoy regular things like sports, music, art, gaming whatever, i feel performative and embarrassed.
i feel like my past mistakes haunt me all the time and also not affect me at all? i switch between "im just a shitty person" and "i was misunderstood"
i deleted my entire online presence, more than just once. i feel like i dont deserve to be seen, dont deserve a profile or a story or a post. i feel like my ex-friends would look at it and laugh or judge, even though they probably dont give two shits.. or maybe they do, maybe they forgot about me, i have no idea how they feel and its killing me because i know ive changed, i wish they could see it too but at the same time i dont care if they do.
i feel like everything i say is a lie, especially when i open up to anybody.
i feel like im always faking my emotions even though i most definitely feel them and communicate them for what they really are.
im constantly conflicted, and i mean constantly.
i overthink every action in my day
i never feel like im really here.. i feel like im watching somebody else's life through a screen.
i switch between ultra productive and optimistic to bedrotten and hopeless maybe 3x in the same day.
im tired of living like this. i wanna be social. i wanna be loved. i wanna achieve so many things. i want to be better. i want to feel normal. i want the constant migraine to go away. i wanna be more careless, not in the bad way but more in a like "i take everything way too seriously and deeply, when its usually not that big of a deal" way. even tho most of the time IT IS that big of a deal to me.
theres so much i wanna do in life, and i already know how ill do it. i just feel stuck because of my past.
everyday, i have my "this stops today" moment. i write down all the behaviors i wanna stop and the ones i wanna start. i read them, then do nothing. its like i wanna be that new better version of me, but theres comfort in the current me that i dont wanna let go of.
i can feel myself slipping away from reality and being completely disoriented 24/7. i havent slept in almost 4 days and i have exams coming up. i need to get my shit together asap.
theres so much more i can say but.. im not sure how to say it. i hope anyone understands anything i said.. i dont wanna sound crazy.

TL;DR: im super conflicted all the time and cant think clearly, overthinking every minute of my day is making me end up doing nothing all day even though theres so much i wanna do.

(19F, diagnosed BPD.) idk how to talk about this but i always feel this constant shame and guilt regardless of if i actually did something wrong or not.
im always on edge like someone about to catch me in the act.. what act? idk. i always feel like what im doing is wrong or ingenuine.
if i try to interact with people i feel like a predator, even though i just want friends.
when i try to accept my partners love, i feel like im manipulating them.
when i try to enjoy regular things like sports, music, art, gaming whatever, i feel performative and embarrassed.
i feel like my past mistakes haunt me all the time and also not affect me at all? i switch between "im just a shitty person" and "i was misunderstood"
i deleted my entire online presence, more than just once. i feel like i dont deserve to be seen, dont deserve a profile or a story or a post. i feel like my ex-friends would look at it and laugh or judge, even though they probably dont give two shits.. or maybe they do, maybe they forgot about me, i have no idea how they feel and its killing me because i know ive changed, i wish they could see it too but at the same time i dont care if they do.
i feel like everything i say is a lie, especially when i open up to anybody.
i feel like im always faking my emotions even though i most definitely feel them and communicate them for what they really are.
im constantly conflicted, and i mean constantly.
i overthink every action in my day
i never feel like im really here.. i feel like im watching somebody else's life through a screen.
i switch between ultra productive and optimistic to bedrotten and hopeless maybe 3x in the same day.
im tired of living like this. i wanna be social. i wanna be loved. i wanna achieve so many things. i want to be better. i want to feel normal. i want the constant migraine to go away. i wanna be more careless, not in the bad way but more in a like "i take everything way too seriously and deeply, when its usually not that big of a deal" way. even tho most of the time IT IS that big of a deal to me.
theres so much i wanna do in life, and i already know how ill do it. i just feel stuck because of my past.
everyday, i have my "this stops today" moment. i write down all the behaviors i wanna stop and the ones i wanna start. i read them, then do nothing. its like i wanna be that new better version of me, but theres comfort in the current me that i dont wanna let go of.
i can feel myself slipping away from reality and being completely disoriented 24/7. i havent slept in almost 4 days and i have exams coming up. i need to get my shit together asap.
theres so much more i can say but.. im not sure how to say it. i hope anyone understands anything i said.. i dont wanna sound crazy.

TL;DR: im super conflicted all the time and cant think clearly, overthinking every minute of my day is making me end up doing nothing all day even though theres so much i wanna do.

im sure a lot of girls understand what im talking about. if any of you got over this, please tell me how!! i cant have regular connections with men anymore and its not okay.. i think? i dont know at this point. tell me it gets better!!

i brush it off daily. i tell myself thats just how he is, he just has anger issues, hes just this hes just that... but im genuinely tired.
hes minimised my existence to serving him- making food, ironing clothes, cleaning the house, etc. in return, i get allowance that wont even last me a week, yelled at daily over LITERALLY nothing, judged for everything i do and cussed at.
im so tired of this being my daily life.. i dread going to sleep because i dont wanna wake up and deal with him all over again.
who does this to their daughter?? why???

Literally everyything- when i (18F) get a good grade, took good notes, studied alot, i tell my male TAs in hopes of some sort of validation or gratification.
When i hit a really good workout, i go to the gym floor coach and tell him about it, show him progress pics etc, in hopes of that same thing.
When i cook good food, i take pics and post it on random threads
Etc etc i can go on. Everything now has turned into where can an older guy tell me im doing good. I always care about the age first than everything. Idk man i cant explain it but maybe one of u gets it.