u/x-_The-Enthusiast_-x

I marked it as nsfw so it wont show on my profile

I hate this. I dont know why this keeps happening. It's like every time it happens it's a trance and I come back and see a new star carved into my thigh. I was just going to use the bathroom but I saw a scab formed on my right leg and I didn't even realise it was there but then I remembered sitting with a broken shard of glass in a tree by my friend's house and carving it. Carefully, meticulously. And I hate it because it doesn't even feel like I was the one who did it. It feels like I was just watching while SOMETHING took over my body and painted my skin with blood. And now I'm realising I left the glass in that tree so I'm going to have to go back as soon as possible to go grab it before it falls and hits someone in the head. I hate this. I hate myself and I hate whatever the fuck's causing me to be like this. I'm suffocating. I dont want to spiral again, please don't let me spiral again. I don't want to sit in that plain hospital room sipping that stupid milk I'm allergic to while doctors ask me who I hurt and why I do it. I DON'T FUCKING KNOW I DON'T WANT TO HURT THEM. I DON'T WANT TO HURT HER. DONT LET ME HURT HER, PLEASE. JUST FUCKING STOP IT. STOP MAKING ME DO THESE THINGS

CW: mention of.. uh.. romantic attraction I guess? :3

I currently identify as cupiorose, as that matches my experience. I've never experienced attraction before... until today. I think.

I was riding home on the city bus and there was a group of 3 siblings (Nonbinary, "Girl," and "little one," never learned their real names) getting on the bus and they sat in front of me. I continued crocheting, and didn't really pay any mind to them. They did look like the kind of people I could be friends with.

Anyways, I heard "Girl" start denying something profusely to "little one," seeming embarrassed about it. She also said something along the lines of, "you know I get a crush on basically every fem-presenting person!" At which point, I looked over and realised she was looking at me (the only fem-presenting person on the bus other than themselves).

She quickly looked away when I met her eyes and started saying "Yeah, I love pizza! I want to spend the rest of my life with them!" It was very clear she was deflecting. She was VERY bad at pretending she wasn't talking about me.

Anyways, instead of ignoring it like I usually do, I actually found myself... blushing. It caught me off guard and took me a while to regain my composure and begin to crochet again. And I don't exactly remember how it happened, but I ended up having a conversation with the older two (nonbinary and girl) and it was very pleasant.

But they got off the bus before we could exchange

numbers (something I usually do when I find people I could be friends with on the bus) and I was actually.. upset. That I didnt get her number before she left.

So now, thanks to this experience, I'm questioning whether I'm actually just cupiorose with absolutely no attraction. Or if I might be recipromantic cupiorose. Or just alloromantic. I don't know, I'm confused. Based on the fact that I only started being attracted romantically when I realised she was attracted to me, I doubt I'm not recipro.

What do you people think?

I'm AFAB genderfaun and I was feeling confident+enby enough to wear makeup, so I did. Just some black lipstick and gothic eyeliner, the usual :3

Anyways, I was at the playground chilling on the monkey bars, and some elementary aged kids were riding around on their bikes. 30 minutes or so later, I hear a voice

Them: "Hey dude, can you hear us?"

Me: "Yeah?

Them (whispering to the other): "He(!!!!) can hear us" (and then to me) "What's the time?"

Me (trying not to kick my feet or giggle cuz the shock of passing was just so great!!!): "It's 7:44"

And then then talked to themselves about something like needing to get home on time and left, but I was too busy smiling like an idiot to hear! I'm really happy cuz even though my voice is my most dysphoric feature, and my makeup, they still thought I sounded like a guy!!

THIS MUST BE HEAVEN!!!

Edit: just now realizing there's a thread at the very top for this. I'm a bit dumb, sorry 😓 should I move this to there? :D

Heya. So before we start let's get some quick definitions, specifically what they mean to me.

Genderfaun: A gender under the genderfluid umbrella, describing a fluidity of genders that never encompasses femininity.

Age regression: A (SFW!!!) state of mind in which one feels mentally younger than they are, usually as a coping mechanism for stress/trauma

Ageregender: A mutogender which describes a change in gender when one is in a state of age regression

Agerefem: Ageregender where a person specifically feels female when they are age regressed

I've never felt female when I felt "big" (meaning my real age), but when I regress I always feel female. Because genderfaun specifies that they NEVER experience femininity, I was wondering if I was still allowed to use it as a label for me, alongside agerefem.

Btw I do have another identical post about this in r/genderfluid cuz I wanted to see the opinions about it from both sides. Like if I should just use repost instead.

Heya. So before we start let's get some quick definitions, specifically what they mean to me.

Genderfaun: A gender under the genderfluid umbrella, describing a fluidity of genders that never encompasses femininity.

Age regression: A (SFW!!!) state of mind in which one feels mentally younger than they are, usually as a coping mechanism for stress/trauma

Ageregender: A mutogender which describes a change in gender when one is in a state of age regression

Agerefem: Ageregender where a person specifically feels female when they are age regressed

I've never felt female when I felt "big" (meaning my real age), but when I regress I always feel female. Because genderfaun specifies that they NEVER experience femininity, I was wondering if I was still allowed to use it as a label for me, alongside agerefem.

⚠️ Contains: Mentions of desiring a relationship, mentions of going back in the closet, mentions of past relationship issues

👉 Sentences in >!spoiler text!< are to make the message easier to read, I like to add notes when I talk. You do not need to read those to understand the post.

Okay. So. First thing's first, hello, nice to meet you, I am cupio.

Second, I am starting grade 10 at a new school after this summer.

Thirdly, I'm REALLY hoping to get a partner this year. Nobody gives me cuddles anymore, and I need my >!platonic or otherwise!< cuddles or I'm going to go CRAZY! >!(well, I already have gone crazy, but that's UNRELATED!)!<

I've noticed that when I introduce myself as aroace, people don't seek me out as a partner >!(which makes sense tbh cuz USUALLY aroace means speaker^tm isnt interested)!<, even though I explain what it means to me as a pan-oriented cupio aroace.

But I really want a partner!

Another thing about me, before I found out about the aroace identity, I identified as pansexual panromantic.

I'm considering just going back into the closet and saying I'm pan so people will stop dismissing me as a potential partner

-this part is a seperate issue, no need to read. Basically just speculating on whether I'm actually aroace- I'm also starting to question whether or not I'm just an allo pretending to be aroace. I mean, even when I was in a relationship, I never felt the attraction to HER in specific, I was just happy to finally have a relationship. Butttt all I could think about the whole time was how fake I felt whenever I was with her >!(cuz, you know, no attraction whatsoever. Also, I didnt find out about the aroace spectrum until I was ALREADY WITH HER)!<, or predicting >!(internally ofc)!< when the relationship would HAVE TO fall apart >!(spoiler alert, it was when I moved to another city without being able to warn her)!<

What do you think? Main thing I'm hoping to get out of this post is whether or not I should go into the closet. I have time to figure out if I'm allo or not.

I'm allergic to wheat so I can't have garlic bread :[

TW (I dont know if they are actually triggers, just want to be safe): >!Mentions of sexual(?) trauma, mentions of sexual desires!<

I've already determined that I'm aroace in some way, (at least demi) but I'm confused by my conflicting desires

I've been in multiple romantic relationships before. They didnt work out. It felt like I was being performative and fake, and eventually realized romantic relationships aren't for me.

>!For my asexuality, I had at first labelled myself completely asexual, but I'm pretty sure my sex-repulsion was actually due to my trauma and as I'm feeling myself start to heal I'm questioning whether or not I'm actually asexual!<

The reason it's become such a big issue on my mind lately is because all of my friends are paired off and have romantic/sexual partners and I find myself envious of them constantly, (I'm literally only ever with them or completely alone) even finding myself wishing I had something like they did

But I've tried romantic relationships. I know they're not for me.

As I'm typing this, I'm realizing that I might not be asexual. Just aromantic. But I don't know

Is anybody having a similar experience? How can I deal with this crippling loneliness caused by my lack of something I don't even want?