r/FathersRights

My ex and I separated in July 2025 when our son was under 2. For roughly a year we had 50/50 shared care (2-2-3) and I was fully involved in his everyday care.
The arrangement has recently changed, reducing my time. Her concerns are mainly sleep/bedtime, tiredness at nursery and potty training, all of which I'm willing to work on and improve.
There is one complication: my ex alleges that on one occasion I pushed her in front of our son, which she describes as domestic abuse. She has told me not to go to court because, because of this allegation, I would lose. I appreciate that this is a serious allegation and would obviously need to be considered if proceedings took place.
For anyone familiar with CAFCASS/Family Court in England, how would an allegation like this affect a case where 50/50 care had already continued for roughly a year? How significant would the established 50/50 arrangement be when deciding future care?

My wife cheated on me and we separated two months ago. The house is always a mess i mean dishes piled up for days trash all over the house clothes and food all over. Food will be left out for days on end. The other day there was a pizza box left over for probably a week and maggots where in it when i threw it out finally. Bathrooms constantly horrible and smelly like poop and urine. For the last year i was the only one that cleaned and took care of the kids while she laid in bed depressed refusing to get help. I moved in with family after she told she cheated. About a month ago she went to the mental hospital for trying to harm herself. She found a new man there and is currently in love with him. About two weeks ago he went to jail for being drunk and spitting on a cop. She told me he’s an alcoholic and drug addict. Said she was done with him because she knows he isn’t good for the kids. Well last saturday she told me she’s still dating him and that he’s changed and yada yada. She want 50/50 week on week off. So she can” go be adventures and live life cause she’s not only a mother” her words. Since she got out of the mental hospital she would tell me every-time i came over to see my kids that she was doing better and doing more for the kids. The only thing different she’s been doing is getting our daughter up for school and packing a lunch for her which has been a lunch-able every day since school started and some other snacks. I don’t know if it’s smart of me to go for full custody or if i’d be risking losing them and only having them on the weekends. What do yall think? I’m just worried about the kinds of men she will bring around my children cause she clearly isn’t thinking about them. I’m also worried that she won’t keep the house clean either.

I am a single father to my daughter. I just moved to IL from Texas to be with her more. The mom is dating her attorney, they try to get me arrested. My ex, manipulates my daughter, tries to force me out of her life, throws away her jewelry and stuffed animals from my house Files countless nonstop motions to the court and the judge is extremely biased and buddy buddy with her attorney.

How do i file to get a new judge, report her attorney, Make her stop filing motions and stop the alienation.

My my daughter will come to my house and tell me she doesn’t feel safe with her mom that she doesn’t wanna go to her mom’s. She says stuff like I’m scared of the dark because she doesn’t want bad guys to get her when I ask her who the bad guys are she says Nate a.k.a., my exs Attorney. She will say things like can you please ask the judge to let me spend more time with you at five years old.

I have multiple videos and recordings of my daughter saying that Nate has hit her. He comes in a room at night. She doesn’t feel safe with him, but my attorney say that it seems like I’m coaching her and nothing has been done about it.

what do I do? What kind of attorneys take defamation cases? How do I get this to stop and get more time with my daughter?

It’s been 3 years and counting.

Someone help!!!

TL;DR

Have to move from AZ to Coles County IL to make coparenting situation between mother of my child and I easier, but I have to establish myself in IL first and have a home/job to support my child on my time.

I’m currently in the process of filing for paternity so I can be part of my toddler son’s life (wasn’t at the birth, so my name’s not on the BC) but want to make the parenting schedule with BM (baby’s mother) and our attorneys, later, as I can’t bring my child home until I’m settled in IL;
I have no friends or connections in IL, so I’d have to check out the housing resources for a place to be so I’m not out in the street when I arrive, and also a transfer with my current job (I work at Home Depot), all until I’m established in IL and have a home to bring my son to when it’s my time with him.

Back in December 2024, The mother of my child and I moved from AZ to IL (Mattoon) with her family a few months after she found out she was pregnant.

In AZ, I had 2 jobs (FT maintenance and PT event setup) so I was hesitant to leave and give up my stability, but BM and her family convinced me it was “the noble thing to do, everyone starts over all the time.”

After moving there and us breaking up less than a week later, I had to leave her family’s home after over a month and either be in a shelter in a state where I have nothing and nobody, and struggle to work with my work schedule (FT Drive thru cashier) or go back to AZ with family and start over.

(I chose to return to AZ and regret it since too much time has passed and I still haven’t seen my son.)

Up until April of 2026 when I finally got a job again after applying to SO many jobs and attending countless interviews (it’s hard to even get a simple min wage job, here. ) I had been attempting to file for petition for paternity since BM cut off ALL contact with me, so I had no other choice but to file through the court system online and have the local sheriff serve her the petition.

About a month after the petition for paternity had finally been served to BM (they took 2 months to serve her), her lawyer responded with a letter stating that she does confirm I’m the father, but does not wish to pursue parenting time AT ALL.
After that, I tried to use Illinois’s legal aide system to help me get a lawyer pro-bono so I could have an attorney reply for me, represent me, and hopefully get a parenting schedule established between BM and I.

However, the IL legal aide agency sent me a letter saying they couldn’t help me, so I’ve been trying to work and save to get an attorney and mostly likely move back to IL so it’d be MUCH easier for us to exchange our son between parenting schedules.

Before I make the big move and leave AZ for a new life in IL so I can be closer to my son, can I establish paternity now, have my attorney on standby, then come back to the matter of setting up a parenting schedule once I’m fully established in IL, later?

Anything would help out (Cole’s County Family Attorney recommendations, advice, resources to check out, anything and everything is appreciated)

Thank you again, everyone.

Hello everyone,
I am navigating a difficult separation and currently looking for a recommendation for a trustworthy and strategic family law attorney in New Jersey (Bergen county preferred).
My situation involves a high-conflict dynamic with an uncooperative spouse who has been financially controlling, attempting to obscure assets, and unilaterally interfering with parental communication and rights.
I am looking for someone who fits the following criteria:
Strong & Litigator-Ready: Not afraid to litigate aggressively and stand up in court if necessary.
Skilled Negotiator: Capable of handling high-pressure negotiations, with the primary objective of achieving a fair, private settlement out of court if possible.
Experienced in Asset Discovery: Proficient in tracing hidden assets and protecting marital/parental rights.
If you have worked with an attorney or a firm in NJ that was strategic, empathetic, and fierce when needed, could you please recommend them? (Feel free to DM me if you prefer privacy).
Any general advice on handling a high-conflict divorce with a child in New Jersey would also be greatly appreciated. Thank you so much for your help!

What statue states that the parent with “Sole Legal Custody” is the full and final decision maker on major decisions about residence, education, healthcare, and religious training?

ORS 107.137 are factors in determining custody but does not mention the above 4 issues, or outline the rights of the SLC parent.

ORS 107.169 is regarding “joint custody” and that one person can be the final decision maker on these 4 issues, but it does not define “sole legal custody”. One would need to first have “joint custody” in order for the courts to rule one of the parents could be the final decision maker over the 4 issues listed above.

(Backstory: “Sole Legal Custody” Parent A says “Non-Custodial” Parent B cannot take their child to church during their parenting time because Parent A has all decision making authority over the child’s religion and Parent A does not agree with Parent B’s choice of religion. There is nothing written in the order explicitly stating Parent B can’t take the kid to church. Parent A is threatening to take Parent B to court for contempt.)

Going through a divorce in NY with three kids and looking for insight from anyone who has dealt with something similar.
My ex makes about $182k and I make about $130k. Our current schedule is technically 4 overnights with her and 3 with me.
One important piece of context is that I never agreed to this 4/3 split as our permanent parenting arrangement. We were in mediation and I believed the actual long-term parenting schedule, along with the other divorce issues, would ultimately be worked out there. Mediation broke down before that happened, so the temporary arrangement basically remained in place.
The complication is that even on some of her weekdays, I’m still doing a lot of the actual parenting. I pick the kids up from school/camp, handle transportation and extracurriculars, feed them, and keep them until she gets home from work around 6:30. I’ve also been paying substantial expenses for the kids, particularly travel soccer/extracurriculars, and they are on my health insurance.
The judge actually acknowledged that I provide after-school care on my ex’s parenting days and that this saves us childcare costs. The court also found that my ex earns substantially more than I do.
Despite that, because the current overnight schedule is 4/3, I was ordered to pay $1,934.53/month in temporary child support.
What surprised me even more is that my ex requested $1,837.34/month, and the judge noted that the support worksheet her side submitted didn’t include the required FICA deductions. The court performed its own calculation and ultimately awarded more than she requested.
My attorney’s position is that the result was largely driven by the 4/3 overnight split. I already have the kids Tuesday after school, so Tuesday becoming an overnight would create either 4/3 in my direction or potentially a true 50/50 arrangement. We’re considering a four-way conference before making another application regarding the parenting schedule.
I’m not looking to avoid supporting my kids. I’ve already been spending a significant amount directly on them. I’m struggling with how the lower-earning parent, who is doing close to half the parenting and paying substantial direct expenses, ends up paying almost $2k/month to the higher-earning parent largely because of one overnight—especially when the 4/3 arrangement was never intended by me to be the permanent custody schedule.
Has anyone in NY gone through something similar where a temporary/informal parenting arrangement ended up driving a child-support decision before custody was actually finalized? Did moving from 4/3 to true 50/50 materially change support? And did the court meaningfully consider extracurricular expenses, health insurance, or actual parenting hours rather than simply the overnight count?
I’d especially appreciate experiences from NY family-law attorneys or parents who have actually litigated something similar.

Throwaway account.
Location: Utah

I divorced my ex a few years ago. She’s since remarried, roughly a year or so ago. We have two children together.

My eldest child has recently revealed (to me, my mother and one of my close friends who is a woman) some things that her stepfather has been doing. It sounds like he is cheating on their mom. He’s a control freak with over the top punishments. For example, he forced my kids ( 7-13 y/o) to watch him shoot farm animals and gut them, even though they didn’t want to watch. To me this is abuse, but I’m not sure legally it counts.

When they come stay with me they often cry and don’t want to go back. They love their mom and feel protective of her, but feel like she is choosing him over them.

My friend, they feel comfortable with, asked them if they are safe or if he has hurt them. Thankfully they say he hasn’t touched them but they do feel very uncomfortable around him, especially after learning about the cheating and with the punishments getting more extreme.

Currently my ex has sole physical but we have join legal custody. I have a million emotions going through me. I’m angry but don’t want to act irrationally and want to be smart. Does anything I’ve shared give me grounds for some sort of legal action against my ex and her husband? For example, joint physical custody or even getting sole physical custody? I would never keep my kids from their mom (unless it became unsafe).

Any advice is and any enlightenment on what I’m able to do in this situation is appreciated.

As the post says, I got served custody papers... and I am depressed as all can be, my ex and I have 2 kids 1 boy(8) and 1 girl(6) we both agreed we'd never go through the courts and well here we are now... back story, we were never married I left after we split and ended up taking the kids because she couldn't handle them so I moved them to NC with me for a year where my living situation wasn't great but after a year I had to move to my brothers house and he was military so he couldn't keep us there forever so I had to move back to Texas to live with my parents in my GMA's old house, fast forward a year and I knew the living situation in my house wasn't great so I agreed to let her take the kids because she moved back in with her parents and they live in a very nice house one of the better school districts in the state because it's what the kids deserved and now here I am a year later being served custody papers cuz she and I argued over text...

My questions are as follows

-I absolutely cannot afford a lawyer I don't make enough money to even cover any costs of a lawyer

- she stated I have a history of neglect, verbal abuse or physical abuse or sexual abuse towards her and the kids and that could not be further from the truth in every regard

- she's trying to make it to where I can't see the kids without a court appointed supervisor, trying to garnish my wages and make me
Pay her lawyer fees

I have proof I've been paying her money for the kids and whatever they needed on top of that

I have witnesses who can attest that her living on her own with the kids the apartments were in absolute disgusting filth

What are my options... please help I don't want to lose my kids they are my only reason for putting up with this shitty life any and all advice is appreciated

TL;DR
I’m a single dad to a toddler boy who’s mother and I had a falling-out before his birth, which resulted in me moving across several states and having to start my life over, yet again, and her cutting off contact and alienating me from our child, making contact and financial support IMPOSSIBLE.

I wish to gain parental rights so I can see my child and be part of his life, but need advice on where to start and what to do

___________________________________________

I currently live in southern AZ (born and raised) where I had 2 jobs (maintenance and event setup) back in 2024.
My now ex-GF/mother of my child had learned she was pregnant in July, and we were both basically without support since her family never support our relationship (we’ve been in and out since 2013).
She had a sister in Coles County/Eastern-Central Illinois offer us a spot at her home until I had enough money to move us out; I hesitated at first because I didn’t want to give up my financial stability and start over in a state where I don’t know ANYONE, but chose to in order to stay by my unborn child and his mother’s side as much as possible.

When EX and I had moved to IL in December of 2024, she dumped me a week later when she decided then was a good time to finally think about our future together after so much drama and many breakups (despite us talking out our differences and making peace for the baby’s sake prior to leaving AZ); she had told me she and our child didn’t need me and she and her sister immediately began the course of signing her for every government assistance resource she could get (WiC, Food Stamps, government housing) along with help from her sister, friends, and her local church.

When her sister had grown tired of mine and EX’s constant arguments regarding inconstant parenting plans, her sister had kicked me out in January 2025 and EX had told me I had to figure out what to do from there (She was wanting more time with our baby than me and her wanting me to exchange him basically daily, despite her knowing I worked overnight and tried to argue my point that I am still the father and have the right to see him as much as her.) so I moved back to AZ so I could start over yet again but with my friends and family by my side.
I’ve been couch-hopping with friends and family since I got back and finally found work in April 2026 (it’s super hard to get a job out here).

After our son had been born in April 2025, we made plans over the phone to exchange our son every few months between states since moving back to IL was no longer an option.
But not long after, EX/the mother of my child had blocked me on EVERY social media platform, blocked my number, and made it virtually impossible to contact her.

I managed to get in contact with Illinois’ legal aid, get a document for petition of paternity, and had the local sheriff serve it to her in September of 2025.
EX’s lawyer responded by sending me a letter acknowledging I’m the father, but denying me parenting time.

I am seeking an Illinois family lawyer so I may get rights to my son (of course, I know I need the DNA test) and get visitation/half custody.
After such, I want to ask these questions:

> If I file for Paternity and get rights right now, am I able to make a parenting schedule later once I have everything figured out? (Getting better settled in AZ or move back to IL)

> Would there be any programs from the Illinois Court or the government to make moving back to Illinois easier?

Please reply if you have any advice, recommendations for lawyers in the Coles County area, any threads I should check out.
Please and thank you 🙏

Hello everyone, concerned Dad here seeking some advice. Heads up this is a bit of a read.

Here's a little bit of information about the situation, i asked legal aid for advice but they where hardly any help.

I'm father to a 4 year old girl, I'm doing fortnightly sleepovers with her at my house for the weekend me and my partner have set her up with her own room and do our absolute best and have plenty of support.

She's living with her mum the rest of the time, and has 100% custody rights, i pay child support and would like more custody rights.

Okay so her room-mates come forward to me with information that my daughters mom is doing illegal drugs, Coke ever now and then, and weed on the daily, she doesn't clean and recently she's been arguing with her room-mate and has even been screaming and swearing in front of the kids in the house. "She has another 8 yr old to another dad who isn't involved". Anyway she's now being kicked out of this house as she was never on the lease and the situation isn't looking good at all.

my question for you is what can I do about this, what are my legal rights, and what can I do to help improve this mess without a massive legal battle over my daughter ?

P.s mother has mental illnesses and is living off child support and disability payments, she is able to work but is too lazy. Child protection was prevously involved earlier and no longer are.she has support workers from NDIS.

Location: Iowa

My fiancé (26M) and I (24F) have been together for 5 years, and we are expecting our first baby in just a few weeks. We are not married yet, but we plan to get married after the baby is born.

My family has been putting a lot of pressure on us to get married before the baby arrives, but we have decided to wait until after the birth. We are happy with that decision, so I’m not really looking for advice about whether we should get married right now.
My concern is the legal side of having a baby while unmarried in Iowa.

From what I understand, because we aren’t married, my fiancé does not automatically have the same legal rights as a married father. We know we need to establish paternity, and we have been told about the Voluntary Paternity Affidavit.

What I’m particularly concerned about is medical decision-making for our baby. If something were to happen during delivery or afterward where I was unable to make medical decisions for our baby, I want my fiancé to be able to step in and make those decisions and advocate for our child.
I haven’t spoken with my doctor or the hospital about this yet, but I plan to bring it up at my next appointment.

For other Iowa parents who had a baby while unmarried, what did you do before or immediately after birth to make sure the father had the legal authority to make medical decisions for the baby if the mother was unable to do so? Did signing the Voluntary Paternity Affidavit take care of this, or were there additional forms, paperwork, or legal steps you had to complete?

I’d especially appreciate hearing from anyone who has actually gone through this in an Iowa hospital. I want to make sure we have everything handled before our baby arrives rather than finding out afterward that we missed something.

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Hi all,

Looking for some advice regarding child arrangement and being falsely accused in a high custody battle. Can anyone reach out to me who has been through this please? I’m looking for some help and advice really

Location: New York City / New York Supreme Court

I’m posting about my husband’s ongoing custody case because he’s representing himself and we’re trying to figure out what he should be doing next.

My husband has two minor kids with his ex. She has primary custody.

A while back his ex got into a relationship with a man who is a Level 2 registered sex offender. He was convicted in NY of 94 counts of possessing sexual performances by children under 16 and served prison time. I’m not using names obviously, but all of this is public record through the NY sex offender registry.

She and this man had a Jewish wedding and considered themselves married, but they were never legally/civilly married. That’s important to what happened later.

They then moved into the same property with the kids. He registered that address as his primary address and has referred to himself as living with her/her being his wife. My husband’s concern wasn’t that she had a boyfriend or that she “remarried.” It was that this particular person was living where his children live and had access to them.

My husband originally tried dealing with it outside of court. There was actually a signed/notarized agreement between my husband and his ex that included restrictions on this man’s access to the children, including no unsupervised contact. That agreement never became a court order and everything basically fell apart afterward.

When my husband tried getting actual enforceable safety restrictions in place, they would not agree to them. There are also texts from the boyfriend basically saying she wasn’t signing the agreement.

So my husband filed an emergency ex parte Order to Show Cause in the existing NY Supreme Court divorce/custody case. He’s doing all of this pro se.

The judge did grant some temporary relief. In April the court ordered that this man could have no unsupervised contact with the children and that the mother had to maintain continuous active supervision whenever he was present in the dwelling. Some of the other things my husband requested, like preventing overnight presence, were not granted at that temporary stage.

Here’s where it gets weird and why I’m asking.
Around the time this was being litigated, her attorney told the court that she and this man had gotten divorced. What they meant was that he gave her a get, which is a Jewish religious divorce. Again, they were never legally married in the first place, so there was no civil divorce.

My understanding is that her side then used the religious divorce to argue that the issue involving him was basically resolved/not something the court needed to continue dealing with.

Except we’ve now found out they never actually ended the relationship. They’re still together.

So I’m confused about how this is supposed to work legally. If they are still in a relationship and he is still around her/the household/the children, why would the fact that they got a religious divorce matter for purposes of the children’s safety? To me the actual issue is his access to the kids, not whether they call themselves married, divorced, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc.

The underlying Supreme Court case is still ongoing and my husband is still representing himself.
I’m trying to figure out:

1. Does the fact that they got a Jewish religious divorce have any relevance at all to the custody/safety issue if they continued the relationship?

2. If her attorney relied on the “divorce” to argue that the issue was resolved, but they’re actually still together, is that something my husband should formally bring back before the judge in the pending case?

3. Is the important issue under NY custody law their relationship status, or the fact that this person continues to have access to/reside around the children?

4. Since the court already granted temporary no-unsupervised-contact/active-supervision protections, what is the normal way for a pro se parent to bring new evidence about the continuing relationship to the court while the case is pending?

5. If there is evidence that the existing supervision order has been violated, is that normally raised through enforcement/contempt in the same Supreme Court case, or through a separate filing?

We’re not trying to control who his ex dates. My husband genuinely does not care about that. The entire reason this case started was because of this man’s criminal history and his access to the children.

I’m mostly looking for guidance from anyone familiar with New York custody/matrimonial procedure, especially because my husband is pro se and the other side has an attorney.

EDIT
The main thing I’m trying to understand is what my pro se husband should do in an ongoing NY Supreme Court custody case when the other side represented that the mother’s relationship with this person had ended, but we have now learned they’re still together. He already obtained a temporary order prohibiting unsupervised contact with the children.

Also:
He has a separate Family Court child-support violation proceeding alleging willful nonpayment, which was already being addressed in the Supreme Court case but they still filed it… so now they’re trying to close the Supreme Court case….

I’m a U.S. Army soldier stationed in South Korea, approaching the end of my service, and I’m fighting an international custody battle over my 7-year-old son, my only child.
**My son is my world.** Everything I do is for him. For roughly the last two years, I have been heavily involved in his daily care: school, homework, appointments, meals, activities, transportation, bedtime routines, and everything else that comes with raising him. I have even missed military duties when necessary because taking care of my son came first.
Now I feel like I’m fighting the same system I spent years serving.
My wife has made multiple accusations involving my chain of command, military authorities, Family Advocacy, Korean authorities, and CID. I dispute serious parts of those allegations and have documentation that I believe tells a very different story.
From my perspective, when she makes accusations publicly or on social media, the Army seems more concerned with pacifying the situation and keeping things quiet than slowing down, looking at both sides, and asking what is actually in this child’s best interest.
She has now started a GoFundMe to finance her legal battle. Meanwhile, I have nearly depleted my savings and retirement funds paying attorneys and fighting simply to remain an active father to my only child.
My greatest fear is that if she succeeds in taking him to Germany, **I may effectively lose my son.** The international distance, different legal systems, and enormous cost of continuing litigation could make maintaining a meaningful father and son relationship extremely difficult.
I also have serious concerns about the environment she intends to take him into. Based on information available to me, members of the family environment she intends to rely upon have faced allegations or legal proceedings in Germany involving cocaine possession and distribution.
**I do not want my son growing up in an environment where illegal drug use, possession, or distribution may be present or normalized.** A 7-year-old deserves safety, structure, responsible adults, and stability.
That is exactly what I am trying to provide him.
I can provide my son with a stable home, consistent routines, education, activities, family support, and a father who has demonstrated that being present in his life is my priority. I believe I am the more fit and stable parent, and I’m prepared to prove that through evidence, not Facebook posts or accusations.
I’m not asking anyone to attack my son’s mother or take my word as absolute truth. **I’m asking for due process.** Hear both parents. Examine the evidence. Look at who has actually cared for this child, the environment each parent can provide, and then decide what is truly in his best interests.
**My son needs his father, and I need my son. I am his father, caregiver, and protector. Boys deserve meaningful relationships with their fathers.**
There is much more to this story, including international jurisdiction, military involvement, investigations, the accusations against me, and the evidence concerning who has actually been caring for our son.
If people are interested, I’ll answer questions and provide more context while protecting my son’s identity and anything that needs to remain private.
I don’t want to take my son’s mother away from him.
**I just refuse to quietly watch my son lose his father while I financially destroy myself trying to get someone to hear both sides and give my child the stable home he deserves.**

My husband normally goes all out for his birthday. Month-long celebration, ridiculous plans, the whole thing.

The last few years have been different. We've been in a long, exhausting custody battle, and it's taken a lot from him. He's tired. He's discouraged. And lately he's been saying it might not even be worth fighting for custody anymore.

I'm broke this year, so I can't give him the birthday he deserves. But I had an idea — I want to make him a piece of art out of messages from people who've never met him. Guys who get it.

So I'm asking you, dad to dad:

What would you tell a father who's exhausted from fighting for his kids and starting to lose hope?

One sentence. One word. Something you wish someone had told you during the hardest stretch of your own life. It doesn't have to be profound — it just has to be honest.

I'm collecting every response and turning it into artwork for his birthday. He's not on Reddit, so he'll never see this coming.

Help me remind this guy his story isn't over yet.