r/FathersRights

Bit of a messy situation, but keen to hear what people reckon.

I've got a young kid I've never met. The mum's had full care since birth. When she first fell pregnant, I was in another relationship and wanted nothing to do with it. I was worried about what it would mean for my life and finances. I said some things about not wanting my name on anything or being involved in child support, and even mentioned coming back for custody down the track if she pursued it.

Paternity was eventually confirmed and I've been paying child support since.

I work for myself, have a business and have a few years of tax returns I still haven't lodged. Child support's been worked out using provisional income, and now the mum's put in for a reassessment. She reckons I'm earning more than what's being assessed and wants them to look into my business finances, potentially going back a bit as well. Not sure what'll come of that or whether I'll end up with a tax bill once I get everything sorted. The application is so invasive asks to go through all my info and it honestly feels like harassment. She's also supplied stuff from social media to show my lifestyle i guess.

As for seeing the kid, I changed my mind about being involved and have been trying to organise something. I've done a parenting course, suggested dates, spoken to supervised contact services and offered to pay for the visits.

The mum's agreed to supervised contact, but wants it locked in for the same time every week. My work's all over the place and involves travel, so I've offered dates well in advance instead. She reckons that's not consistent enough for a young kid who's never met me.

She also wants the initial visits supervised, I can't bring anyone and she wont agree to unsupervised, and wants sole say over major decisions. I wasn't comfortable agreeing to all that, especially before I've even met the kid.

I've asked for some information about the kid and suggested mediation, but she thinks I'm putting too many conditions on things instead of just getting the visits started.

There's obviously not much trust there, and I get that a fair bit of that comes down to how I handled things originally.

We've had plenty of back and forth over email. I've accused her of making things difficult and threatened to take it to Family Court a few times. I even told her I was going ahead with an application, but haven't actually followed through with anything formal.

We eventually agreed on a supervised contact service and a set number of visits, but still couldn't sort out the weekly schedule and whether mediation needed to happen first.

She then sent me a pretty lengthy email going through the whole history, including what I said when she was pregnant, the child support stuff, the time I wasn't involved, the court threats and the fact I've still never met the kid. Basically told me I've spent more time arguing about my rights and blaming her than actually trying to build a relationship.

She's now said she's done going back and forth and that if I want to take things further, it needs to be through lawyers or court. I haven't replied since.

So I'm sitting here with a kid I've never met, a child support reassessment on the way, a few years of tax returns to sort out and no parenting arrangements in place.

I reckon I've made a genuine effort more recently, but I can see why she doesn't trust me. At the same time, I don't think I should have to agree to every long-term condition she wants just to start seeing my kid.

Just wondering how this would look if it ended up in court, whether I've made things worse with the emails, and how much trouble the child support and tax side could cause. Also wondering whether the child support stuff is harassment. She has said I'm controlling and emotionally abusive before so I guess if I applied for an IVo she will too.

Hey everyone

For context- we broke up, I had to petition for paternity etc to stop her from taking our child across state lines. She ended up filing a petition to relocate anyways and lost and it cost me about 40k. I had to remove her from the home during litigation (never married), and because of this she left to another state and just recently moved back. I tried many many many times to avoid an court stuff, offered her a bunch of money to get her on her feet instead of paying a lawyer and she said no. It was basically a winner take call. I know how much my kid loves their mom and Im very glad im not in her shoes but I feel guilty, and fear resentment from my child once theyre old enough to understand.

EDIT- I have proactively offered 50/50 from the start of the case and even before which it was turned down everytime (as she wanted more) and then eventually realized she cant handle more with her schedule

I was looking at a calendar tonight and started thinking about some shit. My kid turns 6 in 3 weeks, Halloween is coming up, and both of those things fall during what would have been my “years” with her.

It got me thinking. Am I the bad guy for fighting for my daughter and winning to the point where her mom legally only sees her 4-5 days out of the month? Is there a chance my kid resents me for that one day? Im painted as a monster.

I know I could’ve been a better partner when we were together, just like her mom could’ve been better too. Maybe us not being together is ultimately for the best, but I’m thinking about my kid here.

My kids mom only has her every other weekend. Part of me wonders if I should be going above and beyond and offering to bring my child to her mom on a Wednesday for a couple of hours, then drive back, pick her up, and get her home and ready for school. That’s a lot of extra effort on my end, but am I wrong for not doing it?

The thing is, I know I wouldn’t get that same effort in return. And I keep thinking that if I were in her mom’s position, I’d be trying to fix things or at least asking if we could all do something together because I missed my daughter and wanted to see her but that hasnt happened.

I’ve honestly never thought about any of this until tonight. I was just looking at a calendar and realized how little time they actually spend together.

I fought hard for my daughter, and I believe I had my reasons. But at what point does protecting your child and doing what you believe is best turn into potentially limiting their relationship with their other parent?

I’m not asking whether I should get back with her mom or anything like that. I’m asking whether, as a father, I should be doing more to make sure Chloe has a relationship with her mom, even if her mom isn’t making the same effort herself.

I want to do what’s best for my daughter, and I’m genuinely questioning whether I’m looking at this the right way.

Then the other thing is child support...am I wrong for putting my ex on it? Financially she makes more money than me right now, by alot but she has more bills than I do. It's diffucult to work as much as Id like with the kids schedule + twice weekly appointments. She can barely get by supposedly and now has to pay, again I know she would do it to me in a second but I dont operate like that.

I dont want to come off as insensitive to all the anyone out there who got the short end of thew stick (for now), keep on fighting I just feel guilty....like a survivors type guilt. I was used to always putting myself last. Just wondering if anyone else has had a similar experience.

Noone ever "wins" here and the kids always lose.

I’m not sure if this is the right sub but I really want the coparent to remove my last name.

During the divorce I just really wanted her out of my life so bad that I didn’t even think about asking that in the divorce agreement. Is it possible for me to take this to court and ask for that? I just can’t handle such a bad decision carrying my last name all over.

Does being available give you access?

Coparent and I are in family court. I was the primary parent with 100% of her our toddlers care until this past month. Our child is 18 months old

I wanted full custody but the other parent has since stepped up and has done some semblance of a 2 2 3.

Separation anxiety in our child has increased since this started and there are not sizable safety concerns … just concerns over coercive control and behavior from the other parent which i just endure and try to create a loving and supportive routine for our child despite schemes from the other parent.

Other parent quit their job as soon as the temporary custody and support were ordered (50/50 and other parent pays $200/week.)

Childcare is $400/week and our child loves her daycare! I’ve covered the full cost of this for 5 months since I went back to work.

Court ordered the other parent to pay half.

Now other parent has decided that since they aren’t working they will take our child every day, regardless of whether or not it is my parenting day.

My issue is that control is always present from other parent. This is yet another slippery move that doesn’t benefit our child.

For a number of reasons I would like our child to continue FT at her daycare toddler room. Other parent is claiming that I have an issue with them having constant access to our child. I do

Other parent went from 0 time during pregnancy and infancy to immediate 50:50 and falls short on many things that daycare is providing.

Also if it’s the other parents day if you are available because you are home not working you can just have access to your child?

How do you handle this?

\* I am a teacher so im available all breaks and all summer. Does this mean that I would be able to have our child during all of my off time if the other parent is working?

How do you address this in court/ parenting plan

I’m currently going through a child support case in Ohio and just been contacted by my lawyer that she’s going for the time since birth 12 years as of now for arrears. My lawyer said since I signed the birth certificate Ohio is a state where they can go that far back, but I found out in Florida where she’s been living for a couple years they only go back two years. How can I prove that in court? I’ve found a domestic violence against her in 2025 and she’s provided a W-2 from 2025 working in Florida all year. Florida should of picked this case up from the beginning but she lied on the application claiming to be a resident there less than six months

Hi everyone,

We live in Westchester NY and my fiance is currently facing 3 months incarceration because his High Conflict baby mother took him to court for a willfulness hearing. He owes like 13k and the magistrate said she is recommending a 6500 purge and a 3 month sentence. If we pay the purge will he be incarcerated?? What if we paid the entire thing? I am so sick to my stomach. Please help.

My ex and I have two young children. We were together for many years and are now separated. We currently have an informal 50/50 parenting arrangement and a private child-support arrangement, but nothing has been formalized through the court.
The kids attend school in my district, and I still live in the home/district they’ve been established in. Their mother moved outside the school district.
On paper we’re supposed to be week-on/week-off, but in practice I’m doing a lot more of the day-to-day parenting, including during her weeks.
I regularly handle school pickups, homework, extracurricular activities, therapy/appointments, medical issues, and sometimes school drop-offs. During her parenting time, I often have the kids for several hours after school and return them later.

Her work schedule is also starting to cause her to miss some overnights, and when that happens I take the kids. She generally has not been asking to make those nights up.
I’ve started using a co-parenting app to track actual handoffs, overnights, school pickups/drop-offs, homework, appointments, activities, and schedule changes. I also document the things she does, because I want the record to be accurate and balanced rather than one-sided.
There are also some concerns about the apartment complex where she lives, including several serious incidents in or immediately around the complex, as well as recurring maintenance issues.

I spoke with a family-law attorney. She told me that because the kids are established in my school district and their mother moved outside it, I would likely be considered the primary residential/custodial parent for school purposes if things were ever formalized. She also said that if the current parenting pattern continues, the actual overnight split may eventually look very different from 50/50.

She told me to keep documenting everything, accept additional parenting time when it’s offered, and see how the next month or so actually plays out before making any decisions.

I’m not trying to take the kids away from their mother. I actually feel guilty when she misses time with them, and I want them to have a strong relationship with her.
The child-support side also makes me uncomfortable. Because I currently earn more, we’ve handled support privately. My attorney explained that if I became the primary residential parent, support could potentially be recalculated and she might even owe support depending on the final parenting-time arrangement and incomes. I don’t want money to become another source of conflict.
Holidays are another concern. I’m in a much better financial position, so I’m able to spend considerably more on Christmas. I worry that the kids will notice a big difference between what each parent can provide, and I also worry that their mother will feel guilty or upset that she can’t spend as much. I want Christmas to feel balanced and like both parents contributed, not like one parent “won” Christmas.

For people who’ve been through something similar: when did you realize your 50/50 arrangement wasn’t actually 50/50 anymore?

Did you formalize the schedule based on what was really happening? How did you handle child support and holidays without making the other parent feel pushed out or embarrassed?

First let’s start off I have talked to my kids mom everyday txt and phone calls spoke to my children throughout hrs phone calls with her and now she moved out of state and has now blocked me doesn’t that go against the order. Also since I never lived in that state I don’t seem them often so a phone call is the way I show I think about them. Before being blocked I asked can we set up a time schedule for me to call them and she said not daily and that not up for debate and I try to explain a 20 mins call daily after dinner shouldn’t be much since I don’t see them and when I asked ok what is a good time frame and she ignored. What is the best thing to do in the situation since the order says reasonable phone calls and now I’m blocked