r/Paruresis

Its used off label for anxiety, and basically gets rid of the dopamine effects like heart pounding etc.

I have mild shy bladder, the only time its an issue is if its at a urinal with no wall between

I live at home with my parents and I literally can't pee when they're in anymore. I usually wait until they're at work or asleep. But now even when they're asleep I sometimes can't go now.

I've tried therapy, medication, breath technique and nothing has helped one bit. When it didn't used to effect me in my own home a few years ago, I was in therapy and my therapist said to practice just going in the public restrooms even if it wasn't to pee and on one of the few times that I did that, the last time a peeping tom stuck his phone over the stall and took a picture then ran off so that didn't help things at all. I still can't believe that actually happened.

I've been to see a urologist and they hadn't heard of shy bladder before so that was useless. They scanned my bladder and said that it looked fine so I guess that wasn't completely I waste of time.

I'm on a waiting list now to for a bladder clinic to hopefully get a catheter but at the same time I'm terrified of using one. Also wait list times in the my country are ridiculously long for anything so I don't know if I'll actually be able to get one.

But anyway,

I'm just wondering how to practice gradual exposure at home when I feel that there's nowhere to start from?

Any other advice would be welcomed.

fuck this shit, nothing seems to work i can't fucking pee at home, hot water trick is slowly stopping working so yeah thats it guys its fucking over

Hi fellow redditors
M20 here,

Well I know that I got Paruresis at least since I was eight, which is a very long time. I have not even an idea of how life is without it.

Since I am 16 this awful thing really limits my social life very hard.
I had to cancel plans from my friends with multiple activities things like Skiing, Cycling Tours and more. I am afraid that in the long run this might cause them to see me as someone that doesn't want to do anything.

I wish I could finally have the courage to tell my friends but till now I am fucking scared to do that. I have severe trust issues because of my horrible past life. They know absolutely nothing about that so far.

I went to multiple Doctors hoping they could "fix me" both regarding my anxiety issues and my Paruresis but that was probably a too high expectation. I had to stop the threapy, because it was going absolutely nowhere.

I have thought multiple times about giving everything up, but I still have a tiny spark of hope in me.

For years I wish for exaxtly nothing but all this anxiety garbage to disappear. That will probably never happen -Silly me!

First of all, hello everyone. I wish you all peace and happiness in your lives; I want to thank you very, very much for taking the time to write something here to help me. I’m not English, so I apologize for my poor English. Now, let me begin.

First, I’d like to ask this question: Why doesn’t anyone on Reddit write about having managed to overcome paruresis within a few months? Why don’t people share definitive solutions to everything? This gives me the impression that paruresis will never go away and will always stay with me. Friends, please help me...

I’ve been struggling with paruresis for about four years. I can’t even begin to describe my days—they’re filled with unhappiness, restlessness, depression, nausea, and so many other negative emotions. By the way, I’m a high school student.

School has started in my area, and there’s only one restroom with three stalls; it’s used by 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th graders. As you can imagine, I expect the restroom to be crowded; I just transferred to this school.

I’ve been seeing a psychologist and taking medication for eight months, but I haven’t been able to overcome this damn condition; it has ruined my life so much that I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I have a condition similar to chronic depression; I’m constantly unhappy and stressed. In fact, this is now affecting my body as well: I have diarrhea, my heart aches, I feel nauseous, I have headaches, I wake up in the morning feeling completely unmotivated, and I’m constantly unmotivated and unhappy...

The problem is that I’m stuck in this state 24 hours a day. When I get home from school, I think, “What am I going to do tomorrow?” As you can see, this is ruining my life; not only is it creating difficulties, but it’s also led to conditions like OCD.

Now, guys, everyone is suggesting different things to get past this. First of all, breathing exercises or similar techniques didn’t work for me. I think the only thing I need to do to get past this is to go into a crowded restroom over time and wait in a stall for three minutes—to get used to the crowd and face my fear. Isn’t that right?

I have school tomorrow and I don’t even want to go—you’ll never understand how I feel. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Please help me—what exactly should I do to get past this? So far, I haven’t read anything on Reddit like, “Yeah, guys, I had paruresis too. I faced my fear and overcame it within a few months.” Guys, it feels like getting past this is going to be really, really hard for me—it even feels like an impossible curse that will never go away.

Anyway, I hope I’ve made myself clear. I mean, life sometimes feels meaningless—to be honest, sometimes I just want to die. Why do I have to live with this stress every day? Why have my days been so awful for the past four years? If this keeps up, what’s the point of living in the future? Don’t you think so too?

I’m seriously going to throw up—I feel terrible, and I don’t want to go through this anymore. Ah, well, I’m sorry, but please help me. This year, I want to get past this and turn my life around. I’m begging you, please help me. I want my life to have meaning—I want every day of my youth to be happy and peaceful, not filled with depression. Thank you so much in advance. Tomorrow I’ll go to that damn crowded school, and as soon as I get home, I’ll check your replies on Reddit.

Hey cuties!
I rarely post and sometimes comment here but I wanted to share some progress and ask y'all for what could I do to help myself further.

TL;DR on my situation - 30 (m) now, have had paruresis for as long as I remember myself due to a traumatic experience in school when I must've been 7/8. Noone to talk to growing up about these things, only became a problem in my late teens/early 20s when I moved out of home. I've generally always been okay with stalls, but going to urinals had induced bodily anxiety that would spiral me into suicidal thoughts fairly often. I started properly working on this only 3 years ago.

There's more details to this but in those three years here are the achievements I've gotten with this problem:
- can now go comfortably to urinals in empty toilets (doesn't sound like much but even this was a a nightmare scenario several years back)

- can go even when there are people around but there are those separators and it's not hella noisy around. It's difficult at times and I have to give myself some time(I still find loud men talking in the toilets makes it sometimes impossible for me to go)

Things that have worked for me so far:

- talking about it with people and my therapist (more on that in a bit). Normalising it in my head really helped as before if I didn't manage so successfully go it would bring some pretty nasty thoughts I couldn't control. Even sometimes joking about it if it comes on topic I find quite helpful. A couple of years ago I got a fun flirt because of it while waiting for a stall which did make me accept it easier for myself and didn't make me feel like I was a constant failure

- gradual exposure - I started doing it by myself a few years back. I would just try more and more in different situations, tried to calm myself down every time I got anxiety and tried my best to celebrate the 'successes' and accept the unsuccessful attempts without labelling them as failures

- EMDR therapy - this is what I'm currently working on with my therapist. She was very honest to tell me that she has no experience with paruresis and when I mentioned it to her she said it's something she's heard of but never really focused on. However a lot of the work that we do centres around shame and the habits from being brought up the way I've been brought up, so her suspicions were is that the paruresis could be a good indicator (among others) to the progress we make

Things that I still struggle with and I need help and I feel stuck:

- going to urinals that are without separators (especially those long metal ones) ,

- going out in nature (for whatever reason this is very difficult)

- going in toilets that are busy and noisy

I have tried everything for these things, breath holds, waiting till I cant bear it any more, playing music or sound patterns in my headphones, having my headphones on noise cancelling, sitting there with my penis out for solid minutes waiting for it to start, speaking on the phone and probably several combinations of these. I have not found anything that works for these situations and I feel like I'm so close to being free from this condition but also so far.

Sorry for the longer than I wanted post but trust me this is the surface of it. I would love to hear all of your recommendations and I'm super open to chat more about my case here or DM if you preferred privacy. Thank you all and all the best!

Please anyone with experience with the breath hold technique reply with what works for them, tired of working 10-12 hour days holding my bladder, having no social life and making excuses for it, I feel like the breath hold is my only option, I’ve been attempting it no success yet, hoping to change that

This is an actual nightmare, sometimes i feel like nothings real anymore. I can find joy in nothing because this consumes every second of my day plagueing it with "what if i can't go when the need arises thoughts?" and i get so embarrassed for myself. My body shouldn't feel like this my whole nervous system is wrecked. I break down in tears but can't even cry anymore im so exhausted, these past 2 weeks have been hell on earth. PLEASE if anyone can relate I need something to help. I'll explain now sorry. I can't go in my own home no matter what, I have a basement room and the only time I'm able to go is with extreme difficulty in a cup with the laundry going and my fan on and even then i take 15 minutes to push it out. I constantly strain and the only time i'm relieved is when my family leaves the house but even then it's difficult. I tried someone's method of fluid loading but my bladder got full in the middle of the night and i didn't have a safe space to go so i strained really hard and was freaking out. My mom is breaking down every night I can't stand this anymore seriously fuck my life. What did i do to deserve this. I haven't let my bladder fill up past a 4/10 other than when i'm asleep and even then i rush to go when i wake up. I tried GE but i end up freaking out and I know that's not the way to do it but it gets so stressful and i'm too weak to stick with it. Actually breaking down writing this. Please if anyone can relate PLEASE help me get through this there's gotta be a way.

Hi everyone. This is gonna be embarrassing but I’m way past being ashamed anymore. I literally can pee anywhere except planes. My whole life. It has prevented me from going too far. Coast to coast pushes it but I can usually make it and have to piss so bad when I land. I’m gonna planning to go to china and Japan in a few months and I’m considering the self cath route in the bathroom shouldI get to emergency level can’t pee and need relief. Any advice? Anything? Anyone similar. I’m not really offended by much so mean comments aren’t gonna hurt my feelings or anything. I’m hoping an all night flight and a large plane with multiple bathrooms and a lot of people sleeping and not lined up at the door will take all the pressure off which is what usually makes me freeze up

I'm reposting this from 9 months ago because I've had pole DM me and ask how I used Graduated Exposure to fully recover from Paruresis. I thought I'd share what I wrote to him.

Let me explain the Graduated Exposure (GE) process as it was taught to me at the IPA workshop and as we practiced it in my Pee Buddy group. I’m not a therapist-I’m simply explaining the process as it was taught to me. I also want to say plainly: the IPA workshop is invaluable. You’re in a room with a dozen people all sharing a deeply personal secret they’ve often never told anyone. That’s why paruresis is called the “secret phobia.” The experience of sharing and realizing you’re not alone is genuinely cathartic.

In my own case, I was severely paruretic. In my late twenties, it progressed into full agoraphobia for almost two years. I rarely left my apartment except for work or to buy groceries. I used every coping mechanism in the book-bathroom scouting, dehydration, timing trips-but eventually even those failed. I reached a point where I could hardly leave home without intense anxiety. A therapist helped me through the agoraphobia, but the paruresis remained.

A few years later, I found the IPA (paruresis.com) on the internet just as the organization was  getting started. I attended their very first workshop, held at the home of one of the founders, Steve Soifer. When I had to pee, I made everyone leave the house and walk down the block. It sounds ridiculous now, but that’s where I was. Even after that workshop, I didn’t take action until a couple of years later when they formalized the process and started holding workshops in hotels. I attended a second and later a third workshop, the last time as a support member after joining the IPA board.

You can practice GE alone, but I’ll be honest: it’s much more effective with another person. Ideally, someone who can support you emotionally-even if they don’t have paruresis themselves.

At the workshop**,** everyone had their own hotel room, which is key because it gives you access to a private bathroom and lowers baseline anxiety.

On the first morning, participants share their personal stories. After that, we were  paired with a partner. Then the actual GE work begins:

1. Fluid loading: You drink fluids until your urgency level is around 8–9 on a 10-point scale.
2. Controlled exposure: When you’re at high urgency, you both go to your hotel room but  ask your partner to go to a place where you feel safe enough to pee. At first, that might mean they leave the room entirely maybe go down the hall or to the lobby.
3. Partial release: You don’t fully relieve yourself. You release just a small amount of urine, then invite your partner back in.
4. Repeat with increasing exposure: Because you’re still fluid loading, the urge comes back quickly. This time, maybe your partner just stands outside the door instead of leaving completely. Again, you release a small amount and then have them come back.
5. Gradual progression: You repeat this cycle while maintaining a high level of urgency. Over time, your comfort zone expands. Maybe your partner is now in the room with the TV blasting. Maybe the bathroom door is open. Everyone progresses at their own pace.

In my case, by the end of day one, I could urinate with the bathroom door open and my partner inside the room. By day two, he was standing behind me with his hand on my shoulder while I urinated. That was a WOW moment.

This is where I believe the real magic occurs:

When your bladder is extremely full and you’ve started and stopped urinating multiple times over an hour while maintaining high urgency, something shifts. Your body takes over-not your conscious brain, not your fear. Your bladder just needs- it aches- to empty, and at that point, it doesn’t care who’s around or what’s happening. You let the body do what the body can naturally do.

For me it was the first time  I could remember peeing while being completely oblivious to the environment around me. No scanning. No monitoring other people. No internal panic. Just normal bodily function. That’s the breakthrough; the bladder aching-in the best way possible- to empty.

That’s what GE does: it trains your body to override your anxious brain.

After that, I joined a local Pee Buddy group. There were six or seven of us, and we’d meet at a large shopping mall with multiple public bathrooms once a month.

We would walk around fluid loading-holding water bottles, supporting each other, joking, normalizing it. There was real safety in numbers. I always wondered if security camera were being monitored and security wonder what is this bunch of guys doing going from bathroom to bathroom. LOL

We practiced graduated exposure at urinals and stalls:

• At the beginning of a session, I often couldn’t go at a urinal at all, so I’d step into a stall but only after standing at a urinal for a few minutes
• As the day progressed and my urgency increased, I could sometimes start at a urinal. If I couldn’t, I’d step back into a stall stand and pee even if the stalls on each side of me were occupied.
• No one ever once said, “Hey, is this guy pee shy?” HAHA Honestly? No one cares. People are in their own world.

After a couple months of monthly practice, I could use a urinal at the far end of the restroom Then eventually, closer ones. Then with people nearby.

If you’re practicing at home alone:

• Fluid load.
• Release a small amount of urine.
• Fluid load again.
• Repeat this cycle several times.

By the sixth round or so, your bladder will be screaming to empty. And when that happens, your body starts calling the shots instead of your anxious mind. You’re crossing a psychological Rubicon.

And one day, when you have recovered, you’ll look back and wonder why this controlled your life for so long.

I’ve been fully recovered for five years. I was thinking about this last night. We had a house full of people for Thanksgiving dinner. We were all gathered around the bar area, with a bathroom with a pocket door was right next to where everyone was standing. I could have used any bathroom in the house, but I chose that one and I thought, I am a free man.

I hope this helps a few people. Let me know if anyone has any questions. Best- David

22K views

So I 26F am not typically bladder shy but when giving any type of urine sample I immediately freeze up and cannot for the life of me do it. It will literally take me forever and I could be bursting but I still can not go. For example I had a kidney stone back in March and they thought it might have been causing a blockage because I was not going but it really the fact that they just needed a urine sample. I also think a past incident made it worse when I had my first drug test at the age of 21 they had male standing in the stall and it kinda scarred me. It’s been this way for years and when my last job told me I didn’t need a drug test I was so relieved not because I do drugs but because I didn’t have to pee in a cup. However I am starting a graduate program that requires yearly drug test and the thought of going to Quest and being timed to take a drug test is giving me serious anxiety. I tried asking my primary and psychiatrist to write and accommodation letter but they wouldn’t do that. My psychiatrist offered to give me a benzo before the test but I don’t want that to show up on my test. Any tips would be seriously appreciated thank you!!

I’ve dealt with this bull shit for too long. It’s ruined my life everyday, I can’t work for longer than 6 hours I can’t go out with my college friends I’ve lost friends because I can’t leave my house. I miss out on so many opportunities. I’ve tried everything, meds, weed, alc, therapy, counseling the whole 9 yard including exposure therapy. ATP in my life where I’m so done with this shit and blowing my shit clean off is the only answer. Why God did I get this why can’t I go out for longer than a few hours why can’t I go out with friends why can’t I operate. I have a huge trip coming up won’t multiple 10 hour flights and am genuinely concerned I’m not gonna come back from it. Any recommendations I’m so done with all this bull shit.

I have a 40 minute commute to work one day. I am TERRIFIED that I'm gonna get stuck in traffic and that I will not have access to a bathroom. I always use the bathroom right before I leave the house and right before I leave from work. Any advice on how to break this cycle of "peeing just because" out of fear? I got a Pstyle to be able to go in stand still traffic just in case, but I have yet to learn how to use it. I also feel like if I can’t sit for a while, my bladder doesn’t void fully. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Hi everyone,

​Thank you so much for all the lovely messages, both public and private, I really appreciate it!

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​A quick heads-up: A few people are listing platforms like "Reddit" or "Discord" in the contact section without including their actual username or handle. Make sure to include your full ID/username so potential buddies can actually reach out to you!

​

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Hello everyone im a 17 year old female, tommorrow im staying the night at my best friends house we know eachother since we were 7 and recently my paruesis has been getting worse, im scared that i cant go pee at her house, even tho i know her so long and i never had problems going at her house before my paruesis, but she moved and i never stayed over there, i cant keep my mind calm my toughts are like "what if i cant pee and pee my pants" does anyone have tips??, ps she knows about my pee shyness

I can go a whole school day withot peeing, and i have been like this ever since i was a little kid, and if it's a condition or something i don't feel any pain anywhere - i am normal. The only time the urge is strong is when i wake up from sleep or sometimes when i drink a slushie, and whenever i drink water i don't need to pee

I’m starting high school in a few days and I’m absolutely terrified of the bathrooms for two reasons. Number one, people vape and smoke in them constantly, and number two, they’re disgusting. I’m pretty sure I have OCD. I have a hard time touching my own things. Even just that stresses me out. Would it be possible to just use the nurse‘s bathroom? If not, how should I handle the bathrooms intended for general use?