r/Surrogate

I have been sitting with the way we talk about unsuccessful transfers in surrogacy spaces, especially the way so many of us immediately jump to the term, “failed.”

Not, “The transfer did not work.” Not, “This embryo did not implant.” Not even, “We got devastating news.” We say, “I feel like I failed my intended parents.”

And I get it

We are the ones taking the medications. We are the one showing up for every monitoring appointment, changing our schedules, trusting our bodies, and carrying the emotional weight of knowing that someone else is hoping for a child on the other side of all of this. When a transfer does not work, it can feel impossible not to look inward and wonder what we did wrong.

Was I late for a shot? Did I move around too much? Should I have rested more? Did I eat something I should not have? Did I travel too soon? Was I too stressed? Did my body just not do what it was supposed to do?

That spiral is real. And it can be brutal.

But an unsuccessful transfer is not a moral failing. It is not proof that you were careless. It is not evidence that you did not care enough, sacrifice enough, or follow the protocol closely enough. It does not mean your body betrayed anyone.

There are so many things involved in whether a transfer works that are outside of a surrogate’s control. Embryo quality, genetics, development, lab variables, timing, and biology can all play a role. A surrogate can do everything exactly as instructed, have a great lining, take every medication on time, and still receive a negative beta.

That does not make her a failure.

We can acknowledge that it hurts. We can hold space for the grief, the disappointment, and the complicated feelings that come with knowing intended parents are hurting too. But I wish we would stop placing the entire outcome of a transfer on the person carrying the medications and showing up with her body.

An unsuccessful transfer is an unsuccessful transfer. It is not a measure of your worth as a surrogate.

Looking for real matching timelines from different surrogacy agencies.
I know most agencies provide optimistic timelines during consultations, but I’d love to hear actual experiences from current or former IPs. How long did it take to get to matching?
Also if your agency exceeded the documented timeline, were there any penalties or compensation or were those timelines just estimates?
Thanks!

Hi. I know this will be controversial but wanted to get my thoughts down. Surrogacy is beautiful if done with HONESTY and professionalism.

I’m an IP who has face multiple losses of many different kinds. Years and years of infertility. The last loss devastated me and I looked into surrogacy.

A small agency made it happen faster than I could imagine. Before I knew it I was signing a contract with a GC who was healthy, a second time GC, and a Mom herself. The agency told me she’s perfect and she’s doing it mostly for altruistic reasons, despite the very high compensation. It was important to me this was not just a financial arrangement. I wanted this woman’s kids and family to be able to benefit from this. And in the future I plan on donating anonymously to her family again when I have the means. I’m

As soon as the contract was signed I was sidelined. The agency owner would just side with the GC as she did multiple things like not do the 10 week screening or see an ob gyn until pretty late in the pregnancy, go on multiple vacations including in late pregnancy, not contact us at all (for months sometimes—we would not contact her because she
didn’t want to be bothered and we wanted to keep her didn’t want to be bothered and we wanted to keep her happy. And after the birth she didn’t want to hand over the baby/had a lot of issues with not wanting to give up baby.

It also turned out that she did for money and even the 100k compensation we gave her (that’s all to her) wasn’t enough and she was always telling us she needed money. Her first journey paid her even more and we aren’t sure what happened with that.

In any case witnessing the birth was traumatizing for me because I realized I would never want to put another woman in danger like that. It hit me something could happen to her and her children could be motherless and I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if that happened.

We are seeing, in IP communities, more and more discussion of how IPs are sidelined and treated like ATMs while agencies and GCs oftenhj work together. I am not sure why agencies don’t take a more balanced approach and listen to IPs too. The contracts are useless and the whole industry needs an upheaval.

Current or former GCs, how long did it take from the time you were matched until you actually made it to embryo transfer?
I’d love to hear a timeline of each step and about how long everything took for you. I’m currently waiting on my medical clearance to be approved. I’ve been working through this process since January just trying to get matched with a clinic. I’ve already been matched with a couple, and once my clearance is approved, the next steps are legal contracts and the psychological evaluation.
I’m trying to be patient, but I’m definitely getting a little impatient. I’d love to hear how your journey went and how long each stage took!

My agency reached out with a possible match. I have some initial misgivings, and I want to know if I’m being rude or picky.

here’s the info I have:
IP is a single parent of 2 kids. Almost 60 years old. Had a rare acute autoimmune disease last year.

We are supposed to have a zoom call to meet this week, but going into the meeting I’m not sure if I think I’m right for them. I just worry about the baby going to a parent who may not have enough support.

Thoughts?

34 female. Two miscarriages in under a year. Saw a fertility specialist and I learned I have a unicornuate uterus. Half of a uterus essentially. It’s super rare. Pregnancy is still possible. But it will be more difficult and higher risk. Needless to say, I am devastated. I told a few close friends. Most of them have children. And two of them immediately offered to be my surrogate. I’m sure they didn’t mean to be offensive. But they offered before even asking if surrogacy is something I would be interested in (I’m not). In a time where everything felt so raw, it felt like just another reminder of ‘I get to experience pregnancy and you don’t’.

Has anyone else had friend offer ‘support’ but the message was received the way it was intended?

I can’t even lie I’m new to this and looking for volunteers to be willing to help me have a child with my partner who I’ve been with for 5 years and I’m not rich or have a lot of money for one because there highly expensive and I was wanting to see if someone wanted to help me on this journey…. Pls I’m willing to learn and do anything

I posted a couple of days back about an agency charging $25K rematch fees if two matched surrogates fail to proceed to embryo transfer when IPs are not at fault.

Here is another one. This is for a program which has unlimited rematches if surrogate backs out or medically disqualified as long as we have embryos left. It also has a provision for partial refund if no baby in certain scenarios.

In the event a single transferred embryo results in a multiple pregnancy due to embryo splitting (twins or higher-order multiples), Intended Parents shall pay AGENCY, through Escrow, an additional FIFTY THOUSAND DOLLARS ($50,000) toward the Program Fee

So, you need to pay the AGENCY 50K if embryo splits ( 10K at heart beat, 2 more 20K installments as pregnancy processes) !

Moderators: Please delete if it violates the rules. I am posting this for education and somewhat for entertainment purposes.

Hi!!! I am VERY new to this space. And hoping this never matters, but I have 4 failed euploid transfers (no implantation at all) so I have been exploring the idea of surrogacy. Here is my question. I actually have banked a lot of embryos. Like 7 euploids ish. But if I am going to pay a boatload of money and probably put myself into major debt, I want a girl. I have done 6 egg retrievals as well. I’ve spent sooooo much money. And I really want a girl, like I’m physically ill over the thought that I will never have a daughter. I currently have 2 female euploids and 2 female single chromosome low level mosaics. I am planning to try one final transfer with my body with a new protocol, but assuming it fails I will move to using a gestational carrier. And I would have 1 euploid and 2 mosaics. So 3 embryos. Would agencies accept someone who wishes to transfer mosaics when I do have male euploids on ice? I have 3 transferable females, 2 just happen to be low mosaics (high quality blasts though). I’m just not sure what my options are. I really don’t want to do more retrievals. But I also wish to transfer all my females before using the males. I wish I didn’t feel this strongly. But I feel like I’ve worked too hard, put my body through hell, and spent too much money to not get what I want.

Buenos días Comunidad r/surrodads ;

Si estás considerando hacer un proceso de gestación subrogada en el extranjero, por favor no elijas una agencia basándote únicamente en el precio.

Llevo años siguiendo el mundo de la gestación subrogada internacional y esta semana he leído una noticia que me ha hecho reflexionar.

Los fundadores de KINDERLY GEORGIA SURROGACY en Georgia han sido condenados a 10 años de prisión tras ser declarados culpables de apropiarse del dinero que los futuros padres habían entregado para cubrir los gastos del proceso y de las gestantes.

Al leer la noticia pensé en algo que veo constantemente en Facebook, Reddit y otros foros.

Alguien pregunta:

"La agencia A cuesta 25.000 € menos que la agencia B. ¿Alguien ha trabajado con ellos?"

Entiendo perfectamente por qué surge esa pregunta. La gestación subrogada es un proceso muy costoso y todos intentamos ahorrar donde sea posible.

Pero la realidad es que...

No estás comprando un producto.

Estás confiando a una empresa tus embriones, todo el proceso legal, la atención de la gestante, la coordinación médica y, probablemente, el proyecto más importante de tu vida.

Que una agencia sea "más económica" no significa necesariamente que sea una estafa.

Pero, en ocasiones, ese precio más bajo responde a que existen menos garantías, menos controles sobre el dinero, una estructura legal más débil o, simplemente, una empresa con poca estabilidad financiera.

Y cuando eso ocurre, las consecuencias pueden ser devastadoras.

No se trata únicamente de perder dinero.

Puedes perder tus embriones, perder años de espera, perder a la gestante con la que habías iniciado el proceso o verte obligado a empezar desde cero después de haber invertido todo tu esfuerzo, tus ilusiones y tus ahorros.

Antes de elegir una agencia, yo tendría muy claras algunas preguntas:

 ¿Quién y cómo controla realmente el dinero depositado para el proceso?

¿Quién garantiza que la gestante seguirá cobrando si la empresa desaparece?

¿Existen abogados y profesionales independientes supervisando el proceso?

¿Cuántos años de experiencia real tiene la empresa?

¿Pueden facilitar referencias recientes de otras familias que hayan completado su proceso?

La gestación subrogada ya implica suficientes incertidumbres por sí sola. Ahorrar dinero es importante, pero elegir únicamente por ser la opción más barata puede acabar siendo la decisión más cara de toda tu vida.

 Me gustaría conocer vuestra opinión.

Man in 40s looking for a female to make a baby I will support be in the child’s life let’s talk

Does anyone have firsthand knowledge of how this is handled? Do the parties discuss termination for any reason (including health of gestational carrier) or is that totally taboo given the laws?

Hello there! My wife has wanted to become a surrogate since at least 2022 after we had our first born. We have both worked on her journey to become a surrogate this year and we even got a cool rep from an agency to help out. She told us that she would be contacting us later last month or sometime this month but we never heard back. When we tried to reach out, her email was null and void and now we're trying to restart the process all over again and my wife was very upset and sad about it. She is healthy and has gotten all the medical clearing she needs to become a surrogate but we're just not sure how or where to start at the moment. It seems every agency we have tried has ended with a dead end or an open line. Any tips for us? Any help or ideas is greatly appreciated! Thank you all sincerely!

Edit: We are based in Wisconsin. Sorry for forgetting that

I had very bad experience with multiple agencies. You cannot even find a lawyer through internet search to sue the bad agencies which give wrong information and do not fulfil the contract agreements, they are just greedy after your money. Keep saying about non-sense reasons for not doing this not doing that. The law speaks for Mexican residents. Many agencies do not have headquarters in Mexico, some of them in USA, Panama, Honduras, Ukraine and many other countries. They just rob our money. I worked with multiple agencies and lost lot of money. They remain silent and accept all our terms but when it comes to implementation they give reasons that doctor did not accept this and surrogate did not accept that. All cheating. That is a disordered, corrupt country where drugs, guns, violence. Many surrogates do not have proper mentalities and do not follow protocols either medical or ethical although agencies say they were cleared psychiatric evaluation. They do not have surrogate 24x7 monitoring to make sure they following all advises, the result is your luck, if you get a right doctor and right surrogate and your semen and egg/embryos are good quality you can become a father if not it is all God's wish. This is very risky to spend so much money. Actually costs in Mexico are very cheap but agencies, clinics, lawyers make money comparable to USA standards and surrogates get very less money, that greediness stokes the prices up and make hard for intending parents. The babies born in that environment are not healthy. Now-a-days many immigrants are coming to G7 developed countries from Asian and African and European countries and having babies naturally, the Mexican born babies have no future due to very high competition from these born babies in your home country. Some agencies saying best of the embryos fail, it happens it happens, what does this mean they don't even let you see and select a right surrogate until you pay them for 3 transfers presenting all inferior surrogates, after that it is your luck if you still have good embryos left for another adventure. They send a sample surrogacy agreement on first interaction and request your embryology report. Once you decide to go with them which takes about a couple of months or sooner, they jack up fees by seeing your interest, when asked about it, they say it was 3 months ago, now rates changed, again changing soon but since you contacted 2 months ago that rate will apply, all non-sense jargon to rob you. I got stuck as I already paid for shipping embryos because the shipping clinics sometimes refuse to ship embryos to risky places like Mexico, then I lose agency fees to Mexican agencies, so I had no choice but to continue with them. Never pay for shipping embryos until the final contract is signed with Mexican agency. If anyone of you know a fertility or surrogacy lawyer in Mexico please refer to me.

Hello,

I just received the full text of terms from an agency. Most of the terms are pretty standard.

However, I am concerned about their rematch terms. If the surrogate cannot progress to first embryo transfer for no fault of IPs, they provide first free rematch. If the rematched surrogate ( second surrogate for the IP) cannot progress to the first embryo transfer, again no fault of IPs ( may fail in person medical or may break off during legal or gets later disqualified by IVF clinic or just changed her mind for any reason ), then they charge a rematch fees of $25000. This is after $40000 initial match fees. Is this normal?

I can understand them charging rematch fees if IPs want to terminate contract. But I am not sure why IPs should pay for a rematch if surrogate backs off.

My wife and I are based in California, and our surrogate will be delivering our baby next month in Illinois. We're planning to stay in Illinois for about a 10-15 days after the birth, and we'd love to hear from other intended parents who have gone through an out-of-state delivery.

What did you pack for an extended stay with a newborn? Are there any items you were especially glad you brought (or wished you had)?

Also, we'd appreciate any advice on flying home with a 10–15-day-old baby on a 4–4.5 hour flight. Any tips or lessons learned would be greatly appreciated!

Thanks in advance!

Based on our own experience, we want to share why we cannot recommend Tammuz Family to anyone considering surrogacy.

Limited Availability of Egg Donors
Our experience has been that many of the egg donors presented to us have not been available when we have wanted to move forward. This has left us with the impression that the selection of donors does not match what is initially presented to prospective clients.

Extremely Long Waiting Times
Our experience has been that the waiting time to be matched with a surrogate is around 18 to 24 months, which is significantly longer than what we were told before signing the contract.

Lack of Communication
Since signing the agreement, we have found that communication has deteriorated considerably. It has often taken several weeks to receive answers to our questions or updates on the progress of our case.

Lack of Accountability
Whenever issues have arisen, we have felt that responsibility has consistently been shifted to the clinic, while Tammuz has taken a passive role rather than taking ownership of the situation and actively working to resolve it.

High Costs Without Clear Added Value
Tammuz is one of the more expensive surrogacy agencies on the market. In our experience, the level of service and support has not justified the premium price.

Not the International Organisation We Expected
We were given the impression that Tammuz was a large international organisation. In reality, we have found that our point of contact works remotely as an external representative, which has not met our expectations.

Our advice is to thoroughly research different agencies, read independent reviews, speak with former clients and ask detailed questions before making your decision.

We sincerely hope you find a trustworthy agency and wish you every success on your journey to becoming parents.

​

Seeking an independent surrogate

My wife and I are looking for an independent surrogate. we have an embyro with a clinic. we are looking for someone in usa. we are offering compensation for surrogacy and to pay for all expenses related to it. if interested please pm or reply here.

Qualifications:

1.        Be between the ages of 21-45
   

2.        Have had at least 1 term uncomplicated pregnancy with a living child raised by the gestational surrogate.
   

3.        Not have had more than a total of 4 previous vaginal deliveries or 2 deliveries via C/S.
   

4.        Be a non-smoker.
   

5.        Be living in a stable family environment with a support system.
   

6.        Not have a BMI greater than 35.
   

7.        As per ACOG guidelines, deliveries should not occur within 18-24 months of another delivery.
   

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