r/gaybros

We broke up with my boyfriend almost a year ago, and honestly, this has been one of the hardest years of my life. I loved him very deeply, and I still do. He was the one who didn’t want to get back together.

The confusing part is that throughout this entire year, we’ve continued seeing each other and having sex. Usually it’s about once or twice a month. And honestly, the sex between us is the best and most passionate sex I’ve ever had, which probably makes this whole situation even harder for me.

Neither of us has had another partner — at least I haven’t. I can’t really speak for him..

I’ve asked him what this means and what exactly we’re doing, but he can’t really give me an answer. He’s not someone who talks openly about his feelings and tends to keep everything to himself. At the same time, he’s always the one who reaches out and invites me over to have sex.

And every time it happens, my feelings come back and it really difficult to move on.

What do you guys think — is seeing an ex once or twice a month like this ever actually healthy or normal for both people? Or are we just keeping each other stuck and avoiding the reality of the breakup?

I’d really appreciate hearing from people who’ve been in a similar situation, especially if you eventually managed to get out of this kind of cycle.

Alright, gentlemen, I need the council of homosexuals to convene because apparently my friend group has decided to become its own little ecosystem of interpersonal chaos.

I have two really close friends: Evan (32m) and Mateo (32m). Evan is one of my best friends from undergrad. He has been in my life forever, knows all the lore, has seen multiple eras of me, etc. Mateo became one of our really close friends through my fiancé, Daniel, and over time he has very much become part of the inner circle too. So these aren’t two random gays I happen to know. These are both my people. And we’ve created our village together.

Well…
Apparently our people have been canoodling.
And by canoodling, I mean they have hooked up a few times since last September and sext in between.

Nothing romantic, allegedly. No dates or declaration of love under a streetlamp. No U-Haul has been reserved. As presented to me, this is basically two grown men occasionally looking across the friend group and deciding, you know what would be fun?Each other. Evan DID say he wouldn’t be against something developing, so I fear that feelings on his side are brewing.

Which, intellectually: fine!
They’re adults. They’re single. I have absolutely no moral objection to casual sex. God knows I am not calling the Gay Vatican to have anybody excommunicated for getting laid.

And this has also been one of those “secrets” that is approximately as secret as two men disappearing into the same bedroom at a house party and emerging with suspiciously serene expressions. Nobody had really sat down and acknowledged it openly, but the energy has very much been lurking in the background.

Yesterday, Evan and I finally talked about it openly over lunch with our girlfriend, Claire.

And y’all…
I hate it.

I don’t even fully understand why I hate it, which is why I’m bringing this before the homosexual jury.
My immediate, visceral reaction is just:
Yuck. No. Put it back.

And I feel bad saying that because I don’t think they’re gross. I don’t think gay sex is gross. I don’t think casual sex is gross. I don’t care that either of them is sleeping around.

But apparently the specific combination of Evan + Mateo causes some ancient protective mechanism in my brain to start banging pots and pans together.

Part of it is that these are two extremely close friends who occupy very different but equally important places in my life. Seeing them suddenly cross over into being sexual with each other feels weirdly incestuous in the metaphorical “these are my family members and I did NOT need to know this” sense.
And unfortunately, now that the subject has actually been discussed, my brain has also decided to provide me with unsolicited mental imagery of the two of them together… which is the WORST!!

But I think the bigger issue is that I’m looking at the social consequences and thinking:
There are billions of men on this planet. Why did we have to fuck inside the friend group?

Because casual sex is casual until suddenly one person develops deeper feelings.
Or one person starts dating somebody else.
Or someone gets jealous.
Or somebody feels rejected.
Or one person wants to keep hooking up and the other doesn’t.
Or somebody drunkenly says something at a birthday dinner and suddenly I’m eating bruschetta while two of my closest friends are having a silent custody battle over the friend group.

And suddenly two men who were supposedly just enjoying a little recreational penis have destabilized NATO. That’s the part that makes me want to grab both of them by the shoulders and yell:
WHY COULDN’T YOU TWO JUST DOWNLOAD GRINDR LIKE GOD INTENDED?

I did tell Evan yesterday that I don’t like it.
I tried to be kind about it because ultimately I know this is absolutely none of my business in the sense that I don’t get a vote. They’re adults. I’m not going to tell them they can’t hook up. But I also wasn’t going to sit there pretending I was delighted about it.
And now I’m questioning my own reaction because the intensity of the “ew” genuinely surprised me.

So, gay men of Reddit: I know this is not a unique situationship.

Have you ever had two very close friends start sleeping together and found yourself weirdly uncomfortable with it? Is this just the natural horror of watching two people you’ve mentally categorized as platonic/family suddenly become sexual with each other? Am I actually worried about the friend-group fallout and translating that anxiety into disgust?
Or am I being territorial and need to mind my homosexual business?

Because logically I know: consenting adults, their lives, their genitals, their decision.
Emotionally, however, I remain:
Gentlemen. There are other holes!

Hey all,

Been trying to read a lot more gay/queer authors/novels this summer and was hoping to get some additional recommendations.

For context, the books I've read this past year (and really enjoyed) were Fruit Fly (by Josh Silver), Town and Country (by Brian Schaeffer), Ways and Means (by Daniel Leffert), The Recent East (by Thomas Grattan), Open Throat (by Henry Hoke), and Filthy Animals (by Brandon Taylor).

I've really been gravitating towards fiction that includes some kind of cultural commentary angle, whether that's explorations of power dynamics, identity politics, sexuality, class, the gay experience, dissections of masculinity, etc. (would love some good essay collections that wrestle with the same subject matter - recently read Inspiration Porn by Ryan O'Connell and while I didn't love it the same way I did the books mentioned, I think he's a really good writer and respected what he set out to do).

Generally, I'm not a big sci-fi guy or YA guy, and while a well-done coming out/coming of age story could speak to me, I'm at a point where I'm personally finding myself connecting much more with stories about the intricacies of being an out adult gay man, vs. like, a conversion therapy or overcoming religion tale (not to know those; they have their place, but I'm more interested in this point about stories featuring out gay men).

My taste (if you're familiar with any of these stories) veers a bit more cynical (though Town and Country, which I just read and loved, was optimistic and empathetic in a way I found refreshing vs. cloying), though, that said, I'm really not interested in trauma olympics (aka I don't have positive thoughts on A Little Life), and while I absolutely don't think only gay men could write gay stories (I'm a writer myself and have written plenty of straight characters), I find myself not necessarily abjectly hating, but having complicated thoughts about gay romances written by women (aka Heated Rivalry and Red White and Royal Blue are not going to be high on my read lists).

Thanks in advance for any recs!

Edit: Should've added that I'm looking more for contemporary(ish) stuff. If it could be considered "classic" gay lit, I've probably read it and/or not read it by design ;)

I met a guy in March and I'm having second thoughts about how I handled things.

Before we met, we texted for several days, had video calls, and played CoD together. We got along really well and I felt like we were aligned on quite a few things. Eventually we met in person for food, and I was supposed to stay at his house that night.

But when I was actually with him, something felt different. We were lying in bed watching TV and I remember feeling bored and getting this sort of "ick." I didn't feel that spark or excitement I was expecting, and I ended up leaving early rather than staying the night. He later messaged me on WhatsApp asking why I'd left/why I'd decided not to pursue things. I told him there wasn't anything specifically wrong; I just didn't feel the right chemistry. He blocked me afterwards.

Now it's August, so this happened about five months ago, and I've unexpectedly started thinking about him again.

Part of me is wondering whether I made a mistake. We genuinely had a lot of alignment, enjoyed talking to each other, and had fun together. Maybe I expected too much of an immediate spark and didn't give attraction enough time to develop. Maybe if I'd stayed and continued seeing him, something could have grown. But another part of me thinks: I was there. I experienced him in person. I felt bored, uncomfortable and wanted to leave. That's pretty significant too.

I've had something similar happen before. I once had a sort of euphoric recall about another guy, convinced there must have been something special there, and when I eventually reconnected with him and had sex, I realised what I'd actually wanted was the sexual chemistry rather than a relationship. I'm worried I could be doing something similar again, but this time it feels different because I think there really was more compatibility and alignment with this guy.

I've also been single for almost four years now, and it's been about two years since I last saw my ex. I'm still recovering emotionally from that relationship, although I'm much better than I used to be. I do feel lonely sometimes, and I know that could be influencing how I'm remembering people. The thing I'm struggling with most is that I have this stubborn need to know for sure whether I made the right decision. I keep thinking, "What if I walked away from someone who could actually have been really good for me?"

But I also don't want to contact him again just because I'm lonely or because I can't tolerate an unanswered question, only to reconnect and hurt/disappoint him all over again. He has blocked me on WhatsApp, although I technically could send him a normal SMS. I'm not going to do that impulsively, but I'm genuinely torn about whether I should ever reach out.

When I first had a relationship at 18 I had so much chemistry and sparks at the time, particularly in the beginning, and this relationship lasted 6 years. He was extremely narcissistic though and I know that my nervous system may be looking for that same high that was never real.

Has anyone experienced this? How do you tell the difference between genuinely regretting walking away from someone and simply romanticising them because you're lonely or because the situation was left unresolved?

I met my partner 6 years ago, when I was recovering from a major accident. He came to meet me at rehab through a Tinder match. Things clicked for both is and decided to give it a go. He supported me through out recovery, i could never expect such care and support from a sibling, let alone someone who I didn't know months ago. We stayed apart for 2 years during college and relocated/found jobs in same city. We had everything going on great between us, we used to travel, party out together, do chores together, rented appartment together, bought a car and adopted a dog together.

After 3-4 years we started having small disagreements, slowly those disagreements became big fight, now we are in a situation where we don't have a day when we don't fight crazily. We only talk to each other about things that needs to be done other than that there is only silence and even than we fight.

I know he is not cheating, he is infront of my eyes 24/7 as we both work from home. He is there to support me for everything but somehow it feels more like a duty towards each other and not love. I have tried talking about it but it leads to more fight.

I feel like I am loosing myself and locking myself in a box in order to pacify things

Please guide me, how should I deal with it. This relation is very precious to me

We are both now 33m, but I am gay and he is straight. He is large and I am lanky. He has 2 brothers and I have 2 sisters.

Consider this a plutonic "I Will Always Love You" story with unfortunate political undertones.

We go back to childhood 25+ years ago, knowing each other since 3rd grade and even in the same classroom on 9/11. Our friendship was rooted in an allegiance because bullying was directed at both of us. And when I came out to him at 15, he was like "Oh, ok" and wanted to remain friends. People loved the friendship we had, and we loved each other like brothers.

Now here's where the dynamics get more bleak. During our friendship, there were times I felt a strong disapproval from him when I would express my feminine side (the way I would laugh with my girl friends, the way he sometimes mocked my mannerisms, and him taking issue when I considered using makeup). But I never let that come to the foreground of my thoughts.

Then it all collapsed in 2016 with the leadup to the election. Both of us were strong Bernie Sanders supporters, but we had a fundamental difference of opinion about Hillary Clinton. I had some issues with her but I felt it was most important for me to support her and prevent Trump from winning. I KNEW he was a malicious fascist even back then, but he dismissed my concerns and spent his time attacking Hillary to the point where he would say very gross things about her and very condescending things to me for supporting her (even though he knew Bernie was my preferred choice). About a week before the election, I was so deeply distressed about the future's uncertainty that told him if Trump won, he wouldn't see me anymore.

After the election, I kept my word. I knew things going forward were going to be difficult, and that I would be emotionally better off going no contact even if I knew I would miss him. I wanted no more of his condescension and felt that if we no longer talked, he would maybe realize that he was wrong to have talked to me the way he did and some day apologize for it. The lingering texts from that time would be what he had to reflect on, and those speak for themselves.

Fast forward to this past year, when a mutual friend of ours got engaged and asked us both to be in his wedding party. Knowing we would see each other, I wrote him a letter in February explaining how sorry I was that my no contact hurt him and that I was open to us starting a new chapter of friendship that built off the good parts. I felt the wedding was a good opportunity, along with the near decade that passed.

When we saw each other for the wedding, it was a mix of emotions for us both but we kept our composure and engaged in more surface-level conversation (no politics, no re-living 2016) for the whole thing. He did confirm he got my letter and that he appreciated it, and then we asked about each others families. Again, mostly surface-level catching up because we don't live in the same part of the country.

He walked out during the middle of my speech at the reception, and I took that as him maybe being emotionally overwhelmed. Later, I asked him where he was at in terms of my content of the letter, and he said that his priority was the happy couple (for which we were in total agreement) but that I missed a decade of his life and he hasn't really landed on where he is at. I said I understood, and that I was genuine in my letter and that the door remains open.

I do not know if he will reach back out to me and my gut tells me he won't.

I have sisters and I myself am gay - I don't blame him for the erosion of our liberties now, but I was hurt he didn't show allegiance at the time when I really needed that from him. Without even receiving an apology for that, I have forgiven him. I just don't know if he has forgiven me.

AITAH after all this?

Well I definitely didn’t expect to be giving an update so soon about my most recent post, here it is if you missed it.

Someone on this sub that I thought was a friend was able to figure out who I was based on the brief ambiguous description and reached out to my ex boyfriend who is now engaged and getting married soon to another man. A quick recap, My ex boyfriend Kegan was the love of my life that I lost because he struggled with alcoholism and he didn’t want me apart of his life when he recovered. It’s been many years but I honestly just didn’t ever move on, I had a few other guys I saw over the years and dated a couple but it was never the same. I reached out to him awhile ago but he blew me off, then I found out my ex was getting engaged and I’ve been absolutely crushed. I was planning to move across the country from SoCal to Maine to a small town to pursue him, and stop the marriage.

However someone here was able to figure out who I was, likely because I made the mistake of naming him in the comments. Genie was out of the bottle I guess, Kegan unblocked my number to text me, he told me I had to leave him alone and move on, that it was extremely uncool of me to try to move across the country to break up his marriage, and that he would only agree to not press charges for breaking HIPPA if I left him and his fiancé alone. He did apologize for breaking up with me the way he did, but said he moved on and was getting married.

Part of me is upset and hurt about being snitched on but I’m also happy he’s not pressing charges. I’ve decided to listen to Reddit, my therapist, and my ex boyfriend and move on. I’m crushed to lose the love of my life but I can’t do anything about it, if I move to Maine and his small town it’ll be so obvious why I’m there, and I would be arrested. If any boys in socal are single and like bears hmu I guess. I’m going to try to move on.

I have a primary care office that I have been going to since I was young. They are fine for general medicine things (ie. Colds, seasonal allergies, etc.) but I tend to avoid them for more complex issues. Well, I contracted MGen through one of my regular sexual partners. I took an at home test and it came back positive (I already figured it would because I’m fairly educated on sexual health as I am a very sexually active gay man on prep and doxy). I took this test to my doctor and told them that I had tested at home for mgen. They immediately wanted to do further testing for other stis even though I also showed them my test results from my prep and doxy that I had done a week before I got the results for my positive mgen test. In the meantime, they put me on the first recommended treatment of doxycycline followed by azithromycin. Symptoms did weaken, but it did not kill the infection, which I figured would happen because the alternative round of treatment (doxycycline followed by moxifloxacin) historically has a better success rate. I went back to my doctor and they insisted on running more labs. I told them that I knew there was an alternative treatment plan and after going back and forth a bit, the doctor agreed. Well, I noticed she only prescribed me the moxifloxacin, leaving out the very important first dose of doxycycline. I called and spoke to the doctor about this and they told me I didn’t need doxycycline per cdc guidelines (that is a lie, it clearly states on the cdc website that a sequential regimen of medication is REQUIRED to fully get rid of the infection). I finished the moxifloxicin and SHOCKER I still have symptoms. 😒 I call my doctor back and reiterate that I believe I wasn’t prescribed the correct regimen of medication and they blew me off and told me the best they could do is refer me to infectious disease. They refused to prescribe the requested medication regimen and told me I’ll go septic if I don’t see the specialist. I need advice. Am I crazy? I don’t think my doctor is doing this correctly. Thank you.