Dear Car Thief: Sorry I scared you this morning, are these your bump keys?
Dear Car Thief: Are these your bump keys? Then this letter is for you.
This morning at 4:30AM, I’m peacefully drinking coffee in my kitchen and puttering around as I am wont to do that hour because, yeah, I don’t sleep well these days. Anyway, I suddenly realized fuck.. it's garbage day and I had a full garbage bag of stinky kitchen garbage that I better get it to the curb so it's not getting ripe all week until next garbage day.
So I sneak out of the house, barefoot, in my green quilted bathrobe, my orange hair all askew, big bag of stinky garbage in hand thinking I wouldn't run in to one at this hour... 'cept maybe the odd racoon or possoms we have around here.
Now I KNOW you weren’t expecting the middle aged barefoot lady in a bathrobe to scream quite so loudly, but you scared the absolute shit out of me when your head popped up over the side of my car! Truly, I am VERY sorry that I scared the shit out of you right back with that scream. And gawd DAMN as a side note I feel I really have to compliment you: you are FAST. You should consider taking up track and field!
So when I yelled "HEY!! HEY!!!" at you as you were running down the street, it was because I saw you drop something as you ran by.. I definitely wasn't to try and detain you or something because as you may or may not have noticed in your panice that I'm about 5'2" and 110 soaking wet.. but apparently you had better places to be because you just kept going until you turned the corner and disappeared.
It turns out what you dropped was was... I think the right terminology is bump key kit? A homemade set of them in a handy carrying case to boot. Ahem.. so I have a confession to make. I didn’t particularly want to hang onto these (possibly illegal?) little souvenirs. Also, meeting up with you to return them seems like a very poor life choice and believe me when I say I've already made enough poor life choices to last a lifetime. (Something, something.. tequila!) So I took the above pic and marched right back outside and threw them in the trash.
Oh, and that 2007 Honda Accord you were trying to steal? Yeah. Don’t waste your time. That car has a rather complicated kill switch AND a hidden tracker. If you could even get it started, I can see its exact location at all times and so can OPD. Listen, I love that car.. like seriously LOVE. Her name is Molly, I bought her brand new, the only new car I bought it my entire life, she only has 58K original miles, drives like a dream and has never failed me. She's been with me a long time and she's like family. She has already been stolen twice in Oakland and both time it was a real pain in the ass to get her back so that's why I got the kill switch and trackers.
On top of that, I could write a fucking novel on insane Kafka level of bullshit the OPD puts you through to recover your car. Suffice it to say it involves taking an entire day off and dealing with getting paperwork together, 2 different sets of bureaucracies (with time spent in lines!) on opposite sides of the city and getting yourself from one side of town to the other without said car. So, really. Find another car.
So.. again, sorry we had to meet under these circumstances, that my scream startled you and that you lost your tools of the trade. Although, upon reflection, maybe I’m not that sorry. But do keep up that great cardio!