r/sociallycharismatic

I am a second year college student and every time I try to express my thoughts vocally or in writing-- I struggle to find the right words to clearly deliver the ideas in my head. I also find structuring my sentences hard, especially when I write. My ideas would be scattered and unorganized through the whole paper. It's been affecting me in many ways, mainly in social interactions, where I would constantly have the urge to speak up but I can't because I don't know how to communicate my ideas well. I really want to learn how to improve and express myself a whole lot better. What are the things I could do to improve?

Is it psychological?

Getting out of a 6 year abusive relationship (I’m 22) where he cut me off from everyone. I had 0 friends the whole time and even wasted my college years being a recluse bc he wouldn’t let me speak to anyone but him.

I spend all my weekends inside building my brands and working on robots to reduce daily frictions (pointless in theory but lots of fun) / optimizing my life. I also WFH so that’s great... I don’t go out, don’t watch stuff most girls my age do, but I studied fashion and optimized my look for fun, (love shopping) now I’ve been described as a 9/10 so I have the looks thing going for me (I swear if u saw me you would think I have loads of friends, like I rly rly studied how to optimize my makeup, hair, and style. I got cosmetic procedures done, latisse, permanent straightening, nanoblading, Botox etc etc after simulating countless looks on a facial model of my own face and picking the best lol)

I need some girl friends in my life, but idk how to speak to people at all. Idk where to begin. I feel like as a guy it’s more acceptable to go up to random people and talk to them, as a girl it’s just weird.

I have cool hobbies, 6 figure tech job, and goals but this is a HUGE gap in my life. When I get invested in something I get INVESTED, so Ik if I put in the effort and studied this I’d be fine, I just need to ensure I’m putting my effort in the right places. Thanks !

​

I’m a college student and recently I suggested a classroom learning idea to my professor.

The idea was that students could study a topic beforehand, and then some class time could be used for discussion, participation and short student presentations. My main goal was to improve communication, public speaking and practical learning, rather than focusing only on marks.

I’m one of the top students in my class, and I genuinely feel that college should help us develop these skills too.

What happened

At the end of class, my professor was taking attendance. Two sections were combined, so quite a few students were around.

I suddenly said, “Ma’am, I need to talk to you for a minute.” She asked me to continue, but I said I wanted to talk privately.

I went outside and tried twice to find a private moment, but it didn't happen. I was extremely nervous, my heart was racing, and I was seriously considering just dropping the idea.

Then I thought, “I've already approached her twice. I have to say it now.”

So I explained the whole idea in front of the few students who were still around.

She listened, although I don't think she understood the exact model I had imagined. I also told her that many students hesitate to speak and that this could help with presentations and communication.

She said we could perhaps do something like this in the last 5–10 minutes of class, so she basically accepted the concept, although not exactly in the form I had imagined.

Now I'm worried about the reaction

Three guys who were around me afterwards heard the conversation, and the information has already spread.

I know that once the activity actually starts, everyone will probably figure out that I suggested it.

My concern is that some students—especially those who aren't interested in this kind of participation or skill development—might blame me:

“Why did you have to suggest this?”

I obviously can't go around explaining my reasoning to 70 people individually.

One of my classmates actually told me, “You're the class topper, you think differently from most of us,” and after I explained my reasoning, he agreed that communication and presentation skills will be useful later.

But I still can't stop worrying about the negative reaction.

So I want an honest opinion:

Did I do the right thing by speaking up despite the awkward situation and the possibility of being blamed?

Would you have said something in that situation, or waited for a better opportunity?

And now that I've already done it, how should I deal with it if some classmates actually blame me?

I’m especially interested in opinions from people who have been in similar college/classroom situations.

I don't even know how to explain this properly, but lately I've been craving genuine conversations. Not necessarily friendship, not necessarily anything specific I just want to have someone to talk to.

For the past few days, I've genuinely been trying. I've joined random Instagram GCs, tried initiating conversations, messaged people first, and even made another account so I could interact with people anonymously. But somehow, I just can't seem to get anywhere.

The frustrating part is that I actually want to talk. I love books, politics, random ideas, opinions, life basically anything that can turn into an interesting conversation. I don't want every conversation to be deep or intellectual, but I do want something beyond the usual "hey, wyd?" and then nothing.

But I don't know how to keep a conversation going.

I can start one. I've tried. But somewhere along the way, I run out of things to say or start overthinking everything. I'm scared of saying the wrong thing, coming across as awkward, or just being boring.

And then I watch other people.

I've spent the last two or three days in an Instagram GC watching people talk. Someone completely new joins, says "hi," and within minutes they're laughing and talking like they've known each other forever. They make it look ridiculously easy.

Meanwhile, I've been sitting there for days wondering how I'm supposed to enter the conversation.

I genuinely admire people who can do that. At the same time, I can't help being jealous of how naturally it seems to come to them. I keep thinking, how do you guys do this?

Sometimes at night, I put my phone down and stare at the ceiling wondering if there's something wrong with me. I used to think maybe it was my appearance or my awkwardness around people, but a lot of these people don't even know what I look like or who I am. So I don't even know what I'm supposed to fix.

I know this isn't some huge life problem. People have much bigger things going on. But sometimes I get this sudden urge to talk, to have a completely normal conversation, and then I realise there's genuinely no one I can talk to at that moment.

I'm not writing this to get sympathy or to make anyone feel bad for me. I think I just needed to put this somewhere because I don't really have anyone to say it to.

For people who used to struggle with this: how did you learn to actually talk to people and keep conversations going? Did it ever become natural for you?

I’m 18F and I lost a lot of weight this past year, I look a lot different than I did before. And with this I’ve noticed that when I’m out (running errands) I get looks from men who seem interested. It usually never goes past a double glance or being extra polite, and I understand that most men don’t randomly approach. I want to do everything possible to seem open and receptive, and maybe initiate conversations myself. I struggle with being a bit shy and think this could be good for me, but I just don’t know how to start. I’m usually in a grocery store or some place similar, and I just never know what to say. I’d like to say something that opens up conversation, but isn’t so direct that they feel uncomfortable. Look wise I’ve been told I seem friendly so I don’t think that will be an issue, I’m just not sure how to further pursue conversation.

I am going to go to college soon. With my high school friends, we would often run out of things to say, even after we talk about what is in our surroundings as well. I see some friendships where they always have fun together and never run out of things to say and I was wondering how I can have that? I am not necessarily a funny person, so I dont know how to be goofy, but I already don't take myself seriously.

Does anyone have any input on how my friendships can be more fun and less serious and how we don't run out of things to say?

To help with my social anxiety I am doing exposure therapy by trying to start a conversation with women in the city (Boston). I guess I also want hear a womans perspective of how they would prefer to be approached and feel safe. If anyone has any stories related, that would good too.

Edit: Just to be clear I do try to pick up on social cues and read the room. And I understand in many contexts approaching women may seem more predatory. I only want to approach women that give off body language that suggests they could be open to socialize. As I am talking to them if they seem unengaged I will politely walk away.

So I am someone who generally keeps to myself and prefer having individual friends that friend groups. I try staying away from groups and even take private housing accomodation to avoid drama. However, since collaboration and asking for help is important whenever needed, I need to reach out to the few friends I have to seek guidance especially regarding interviews and job search. Recently I interviewed for a big company and needed to reach out to these friends for guidance. However it becamne added pressure when these friends kept following up and asking inquisitive questions. Later once my interview was done they kept following up for the result and after I got the reject it leaked it to everyone and I started getting calls and messages from people who I didn't know and also those who didn't help me at any point of time in my life. I am now questioning myself on how I should approach such situations as I am seeing this becoming a repetitive pattern in my life. Any guidance on how to go about?

I’ve just come back from a trip and honestly it made me realize something about myself.

I’m generally not bad with women. If I get into a one-on-one interaction, I’m pretty comfortable, and I can hold a conversation, flirt, make eye contact, etc.
But this trip exposed a huge weakness: I freeze when I know other people are watching me.

There were multiple situations where I wanted to approach a girl, but because we were all in the same group, everyone was standing/sitting together, or my friends were nearby, I became extremely self-conscious.

My brain starts going:
“They’re watching me.”
“What if I say something stupid?”
“What if she rejects me in front of everyone?”
“What are my friends going to think?”

And then I don’t approach.

The frustrating part is that I genuinely think I could have had some success on this trip if I had just acted. I had opportunities, but I kept getting stuck because of the audience.

What’s weird is that when I can interact with someone in a lower-pressure situation, I’m completely different. I can actually be myself.
So I don’t think my main problem is approaching women. It’s being comfortable being seen approaching women.

Has anyone dealt with this specifically? How did you train yourself to stop caring about people watching? Did you deliberately practice approaching in front of friends/groups, or is there another way to break this association?

I’m not looking for generic “just be confident” advice. I want to know how you actually trained yourself to stop feeling like everyone is watching and judging you.

I was wondering in a conversation what is more impactful and makes the other person feel. Is it what words I say or how I say it (accent or totality)?

I used to think social skills were a talent. Some people walked into a room and owned it. The rest of us just had to accept being forgettable. Then I spent about 4 years deliberately studying and practicing how people actually connect and realized almost everything I was doing wrong was fixable. Not overnight. But faster than I expected once I knew what to change.

Here are the ones that moved the needle the most:

1. Stop preparing what you'll say next while someone is talking.

This is the one nobody thinks they do and everybody does. Someone is mid-sentence and your brain is already assembling your response. You're not listening. You're waiting. And the other person can feel it even if they can't name it. Real listening means you genuinely don't know what you'll say until they finish. That gap between their last word and your response feels terrifying at first. It's actually where connection happens. People can feel the difference between being heard and being tolerated.

2. Ask the question behind the question.

"How's work?" "Fine." Dead conversation. Most people stop there. The second question is where everything opens up. "Fine like actually fine, or fine like you don't want to talk about it?" "What part of it has been hardest lately?" "Are you still enjoying it or is it more of a grind at this point?" These aren't scripted. They come from genuinely wanting to know. But I had to practice asking them until curiosity became the default instead of polite checkout.

3. Match their energy before you try to shift it.

If someone is frustrated and you come in cheerful and solution-focused, they'll shut down. If someone is excited and you respond flatly, the energy dies. I started mirroring the emotional temperature of whoever I was talking to before trying to steer anywhere. Frustrated person gets acknowledged frustration first. Excited person gets matched enthusiasm first. Then redirect. It's basic empathy but I wasn't doing it because I was too busy thinking about what I wanted to say.

4. Use their name. Not constantly. Just enough.

There's a sweet spot. Once or twice in a conversation. "That's a really good point, Sarah." "What do you think about that, Marcus?" It signals that you see them as a specific person, not just another body in the room. I started doing this deliberately after reading about it and the response was disproportionate to the effort. People visibly soften when you use their name naturally.

5. Tell shorter stories.

My stories used to take 3 minutes to reach the point. Most people checked out after 45 seconds. I started practicing starting closer to the interesting part and adding context only if someone asked for it. "My neighbor called the cops on my dog" is a better opener than two minutes of what happened Tuesday morning. Get to the hook fast. Let the details come out through their questions. That reversal, making them pull information out of you instead of pushing it at them, keeps people engaged way longer.

6. Stop giving advice nobody asked for.

Someone tells you about a problem. Your brain immediately fires up solution mode. "Have you tried..." "You should probably..." "What I would do is..." Most of the time people aren't looking for a fix. They want to feel heard. Jumping to solutions signals "I'm uncomfortable with your emotions and want to fast-forward past them." I started asking "do you want advice or do you just need to vent?" before offering anything. One question. Changed multiple friendships.

7. Be warm to strangers with zero agenda.

Complimenting the barista's earrings. Asking the Uber driver how their night is going and actually listening. Making a small joke with someone in line. These aren't social strategies. They're reps. Every low-stakes interaction where you practice being warm and present makes the high-stakes ones easier. Social skills are a muscle. You can't only train them at important events and expect them to work.

"How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie is almost 90 years old and still the best foundation. His core principle, that the most interesting person in any room is the one who's most interested, rewired how I approach every conversation. "The Like Switch" by Jack Schafer covers the behavioral science of rapport building from an FBI perspective. Less about charm, more about the specific nonverbal signals that make people feel safe enough to open up. "The Charisma Myth" by Olivia Fox Cabane covers the body language and presence side with exercises you can actually practice.

I use BeFreed for going deeper on communication and social dynamics specifically. I set up a learning plan around charisma, conversation skills, and reading people and the app pulls from social skill coaches, psychology books on connection, and behavioral research relevant to those areas. What made the biggest difference for this topic was the live practice feature. You can rehearse actual social situations out loud, introducing yourself to someone new, navigating an awkward silence, responding to someone who's upset, and get real-time coaching on your tone, pacing, and delivery. I avoided practicing out loud for years because it felt silly. It's the thing that actually transferred these skills from theory to behavior. I warm up with a quick practice session on the commute before any event where I know I need to be social. I also went through a lot of the material in Over Coffee mode because hearing social psychology concepts explained conversationally instead of academically made them feel applicable instead of abstract. The notes feature saves the key frameworks automatically so the specific techniques are accessible before situations where I need them instead of buried in a book I read once.

Most people who struggle socially aren't rude or unpleasant. They're running a few unconscious habits that quietly push people away. Fix those specific habits and the social friction mostly disappears without needing to "become more confident" or "be more outgoing." The behaviors are the thing. Not the personality.

What social skill took you the longest to learn?

This is honestly embarrassing for me to admit, but I don’t know where else to ask this. How on earth do you make friends? I’ve met a few really close people throughout the years, whom I love so much. The issue though is they’re meeting new people and fostering other friendships, while it feels like I’m unable to do so.

To be honest, meeting new people is what is so tricky for me. I’m able to chalk up small talk with people, crack a few jokes, but that’s it. When it comes to hanging out with these said people or even getting their number, it feels impossible. I think I over think things like these, but how are you not supposed to? I guess my question is more of “how do you level up from an acquaintance to an actual friend?”.

I’m not sure if this is worded well, but I just feel quite lonely. If other people even feel the same and stress over about stuff like this that would also be nice to know. This is by no means a 1st world problem, I just wanna think less and have fun and meet people. Thank you!

I was forced to go to my friend's friend's party a week ago I didn't want to stay longer but forced to cause bro code and I saw her talking with her friends about the one topic i have always been craving to talk for years (mythology, folklore, religious philosophy, etc) I dont approach women much when I tried to approach our conversation ends in like 2 minutes and then awkward silence fills in.

This time I couldn't stop myself and asked her "may I share my thoughts?" And I talked my heart out on that topic like omg like all 3-4 people who are listening to me talk were like very much drawn to it and she too put her views and we disagreed in many ideologies and interpretations but we connected like....

No words we were arguing, debating, listening to other persons view with open mind somuch that my prospective increased and we were smiling during the whole conversation, some tried to join out conversation but we didn't let them we were sooo into it like oh my God I cannot tell exactly how exciting, energetic, calming and intellectual aur conversation was oh my God, we had too leave because it was getting pretty late and I was so happy with our interaction that I forgot to ask her for her contact....

It has been a week now, everytime I think about her it fills my heart with some odd satisfaction, and I feel like I am experiencing so calm and happy and I smile like an idiot like it's a really nice warm long hug. I feel fulfilled.