I just got off the phone with a friend’s mom who phoned me to order flowers for her daughter- a friend of mine- the parents are out of state. We did the normal greeting exchange - I tried to engage with other questions but often don’t even let them finish answering the first question or I answer back with my own question. I noticed I was doing this and slowed down but I could tell she was eager to get off the phone after she asked me to get flowers.

This happens every time the lull of silence hangs over the conversation.

She’s not the only one that does this. Every friend that calls me wants to get off the phone with me as quickly as possible.

And I don’t get phone calls often unless it’s a bill collector, a work call or a scam. I think this was only my 2nd personal call of the year.

I have had this problem my whole entire life and have tried reading books on how to be more dynamic and watching YouTube presenters share tips and none of those things have helped me.

What would help would be an actual YouTube video of a cool or not so cool group of friends actually recording what they talk about when they’ve gathered for dinner, a bbq, a night out, a night in, brunch.

I had this very same friend that I will be ordering flowers for talk to someone sitting next to us because we didn’t have much to talk about. Other friends have done similar things or pulled out their phones to entertain themselves.

Some have literally walked away from me on the dance floor after trying to be kind and “hang” by my side.

I have never once been asked out unless it was a one night stand or (what’s the basketball term for leftovers). This is one of my problems in conversation. I have very bad memory issues and struggle to remember things. I also struggle to find the exact words for things. I tend to talk way too fast and often times forget what I have to say unless I say it in the moment. Yes, I have ADD - late diagnosis. I’m starting to think I might have a slight autism diagnosis since relating to people has been an issue for me my whole life.

I, have no noticeable or eye catching physical attributes that would draw a person in. I have a flat effect and a monotone voice. I’ve tried watching videos on how to change this but haven’t been able to sit through a full video nor can I hear a difference in my pitch and I tone when I am trying tips from a quick reel I’ve found.

I have no interest in sports, can’t remember music or musicians, so can’t really talk about that. If I hear music that moves me I move to it but don’t ask me to recall what I heard 5 minutes later.

I’m not into drinking or drugs as I’m already light headed and airy enough without any of that. I don’t mind if others are doing light drugs or drink around me. But it definitely makes me the designated driver every single time.

I spend most of my days alone with a pet. Not because I want to be alone but because no one seems to want to be around me.

I barely made it out of the pandemic sanely alive.

All of my experiences have been thanks to some small subset of friends that I somehow made whom have pitied me and invited me out.

I traveled mostly alone. Eaten alone ( and don’t sell me on how brave and great that is when no very social person would do this unless they were in movement from point A to point B).

This is turning into a book…

This loneliness is taking a toll on me and I don’t know how much more of it I can take as I’m aging.

I’ve tried all the things. I just don’t have the natural charisma it takes to draw people in. Everything I do is slow paced; even writing a text back ends up being a paragraph long.

How do I change being so boring and needy so late in life as an average looking individual with no interesting attributes to lean on??

It happened so fast I almost missed it. This guy was animated, laughing, talking with his hands. Someone else in our little circle asked him what he does for a living. And in about half a second all the energy just drained out of him.

"Oh. I'm in insurance."

Flat voice. Dead eyes. Conversation basically flatlined right there. Everyone nodded politely and the group dissolved about thirty seconds later.

I'd been using that question as my default opener for years. "So what do you do?" It felt safe. Universal. Something everyone can answer. But after watching that interaction from the outside I realized what that question actually does to people.

It puts them in a box immediately.

You're not asking "who are you" or "what lights you up." You're asking "what is your economic function." And for a lot of people their job is the least interesting thing about them. Some people hate their work. Some are embarrassed by it. Some are between jobs and that question makes them want to disappear through the floor.

I started replacing it with one question that changed everything. "What's been keeping you busy lately?"

It sounds almost identical. But the difference is massive. "What do you do" has one answer. Your job title. "What's been keeping you busy" has infinite answers. Some people talk about work because they love it. Some talk about a hobby they just picked up. Some talk about a trip they're planning. Some talk about a show they've been binging.

You're giving them the choice of what to share instead of cornering them into one lane. And people light up when they get to choose.

I tried it at a friend's birthday party last month. Asked this woman what had been keeping her busy. She paused for a second like nobody had ever asked her that before, then launched into this whole story about how she started making ceramics during Covid and now she's selling pieces at a local market on weekends. We talked for forty minutes. If I'd asked what she does she would have said "I work in HR" and that conversation lasts about ninety seconds.

The questions you ask determine the conversations you get. Most people are way more interesting than their job title. But you'll never find that out if you keep asking the one question that reduces them to it.

If this hit for you, consider joining r/sociallycharismatic where we break down the small social moves that quietly make people magnetic. No nonsense, no fake scripts, just real observations about what actually works in conversations, rooms, and relationships. Come lurk, share what you've noticed, and steal what works. We are glad to have you here!

There's this guy at my job who everybody gravitates toward. Not the loudest person. Not the funniest. Not even the most senior. But every time he walks into a room, people shift their attention to him like he's got some invisible pull.

I started paying attention to what he actually does differently. And after about a month of just observing, I realized it's stupidly simple.

He remembers things.

Not big things. Small things. Tiny, almost throwaway details that most people let slide past them in conversation.

Someone mentioned their kid had a soccer tournament two weeks ago. Next time he sees them: "How'd the tournament go?" A coworker said they were trying a new restaurant over the weekend. Monday morning: "Was that place any good?"

That's it. That's the entire trick.

He's not doing anything flashy. He's not telling amazing stories or cracking everyone up. He's just proving, over and over, that he was actually listening the last time you spoke. And in a world where most people are half-checked-out during conversations, scrolling mentally through their own thoughts while you talk, that level of attention feels almost shocking.

I started doing it myself. Nothing crazy. Just jotting a quick mental note when someone mentions something they've got going on, then bringing it up next time I see them. The reactions have been wild. People light up. You can literally see their posture change when they realize you remembered.

Because here's the thing most people get wrong about charisma. They think it's about being the most impressive person in the room. Making people laugh. Having the best stories. Commanding attention.

It's not. It's about making other people feel like they matter to you.

That guy at my office isn't performing for anyone. He's just paying attention. And that's apparently so rare that it looks like a superpower.

If this hit for you, consider joining r/sociallycharismatic where we break down the small social moves that quietly make people magnetic. No nonsense, no fake scripts, just real observations about what actually works in conversations, rooms, and relationships. Come lurk, share what you've noticed, and steal what works. We are glad to have you here!

Hello. I saw an inspiring post this morning about switching how you engage people with the simple question “what has been keeping you busy” instead of “what do you do?” Which can leave people feeling boxed in.

But what would be your advice as a response to “what do you do?” If you would feel embarrassed because you are out of the work force?

Most of the people that I meet and interact with are working professionals. I’m highly educated and currently a stay-at-home parent which you don’t find within my current demographic. What would you recommend as a response when I know that I’m interacting with people who have to work and I have felt uncomfortable stating that I’m a SHM knowing that privilege/assumptions that could be drawn. I had never planned to be a SHM but certain circumstances led to it. I typically end up lying by saying my previous career which doesn’t feel good either.

I know this is basically sacred advice that everyone treats like gospel. But for years "just be yourself" actively made my social life worse because nobody told me the second half of that sentence.

Be yourself. After you've built a version of yourself worth being.

When I was 19, "being myself" meant standing in the corner of parties staring at my phone. It meant mumbling through conversations because I never learned how to project my voice. It meant avoiding eye contact because holding it felt physically uncomfortable. It meant laughing at everything other people said even when it wasn't funny because I had zero idea how to contribute anything of my own.

That was myself. And that version of me was not someone people wanted to spend time around. Not because I was a bad person. But because I had zero social skills and nobody had ever taught me any.

The breakthrough came when I stopped treating social skills like some personality trait you either have or don't and started treating them like what they actually are. A skill set. With techniques. That you can learn and practice like anything else.

I studied eye contact. Not in a creepy way. I just noticed that I always broke it first and started holding it one second longer than felt comfortable. After a few weeks it stopped feeling uncomfortable entirely.

I studied my voice. Realized I was speaking from my throat instead of my chest. Started practicing speaking with a lower, slower register when I was alone in my car. Within a month people started telling me I seemed more "sure of myself" without knowing what changed.

I studied conversation structure. Learned that follow-up questions are worth ten times more than clever responses. Learned that people don't remember what you said nearly as much as how you made them feel while you were talking.

None of this was "being myself." It was building myself. Deliberately. Piece by piece. Skill by skill.

Now when I show up to things, I'm relaxed. I make eye contact that feels natural. I ask questions that keep people talking. I project when I speak. And people tell me I seem "naturally confident" which is hilarious because there is nothing natural about it. Every single piece of it was learned through uncomfortable repetition.

"Be yourself" is great advice for people who've already done the work. For everyone else it's just permission to stay stuck.

This is going to sound backwards but hear me out.

I used to walk into every social situation with this pressure to be the funny guy. I'd mentally load up jokes and one-liners and wait for the right moment to drop them. Sometimes they'd land. Most of the time they'd hit that dead air where nobody laughs and you have to just keep talking like it didn't happen.

The weird part was I knew genuinely funny people. And none of them operated like that. None of them seemed like they were trying. Things just came out of them naturally and the whole room would crack up. I couldn't figure out what they had that I didn't.

Then one week I just gave up. Not in a dramatic way. I was just tired. Tired of performing. Tired of scanning every conversation for an opening to say something clever. So I stopped. I just started saying whatever I was actually thinking without trying to spin it into something funny.

And people started laughing more.

Not because I was suddenly funnier. But because I was finally relaxed. I'd make an observation about something that was genuinely on my mind and people would laugh because it was honest and unexpected. Not rehearsed. Not perfectly timed. Just real.

That's when I figured out what those naturally funny people actually had. It wasn't better comedic timing or a bigger library of jokes. It was the absence of pressure. They weren't monitoring themselves. They weren't grading their own performance in real time. They were just present. And when you're fully present, the funny stuff just surfaces on its own because you're actually reacting to what's happening instead of running a script in your head.

Forced humor is the social equivalent of a car alarm. It demands attention but nobody actually wants to listen. Relaxed honesty is the thing that makes people genuinely enjoy being around you. Not because you're entertaining them. But because you're not trying to.

If you're the person sitting in group conversations loading up your next attempt at a joke instead of actually listening, try turning that off for a week. Just say what you're thinking. React honestly. Let yourself be boring if that's what comes out. I promise boring and authentic beats clever and performed every single time.

Every time I told someone I struggled socially, the answer was always the same. "Just be more confident." Like confidence is a switch somewhere on my body that I forgot to flip.

For years I thought confident people were born that way. Some gene I didn't get. Some personality trait that was handed out before I showed up. I'd watch people walk into rooms and start conversations with strangers like it was nothing and think there's no way I could ever do that.

Then I started working with a guy who everyone assumed was naturally confident. Effortless eye contact. Never seemed rattled. Could talk to literally anyone. One night after some drinks I told him I wished I had his confidence.

He laughed and said "Bro, I used to throw up before work presentations."

He told me confidence wasn't something he found. It was something he built. Slowly. Painfully. By doing things that scared him over and over until they didn't anymore. He started with stupid small stuff. Asking strangers for the time. Complimenting a barista. Making eye contact with people on the street instead of looking at his phone.

None of it felt natural at first. All of it felt forced and awkward and exhausting. But each tiny interaction that didn't end in disaster added one small piece of evidence to a file in his brain that said "You can handle this."

That's all confidence is. A stack of evidence that you've survived uncomfortable things before and you'll survive the next one too. It's not a feeling you wait for. It's a receipt from every time you did the thing anyway.

I stopped waiting to feel confident before I acted. I started acting and letting the confidence catch up later. First month was brutal. Second month was uncomfortable. Third month something shifted. Not because I suddenly became fearless. But because I'd done enough reps that my brain stopped treating every social interaction like a threat.

You don't have a confidence problem. You have a reps problem. And the only fix is logging them.

Used to be that awkward person who killed conversations and made people want to escape. This 80-year-old book taught me social skills that actually work in real life.

• Be genuinely interested in other people. Stop waiting for your turn to talk and actually listen. Ask follow-up questions about things they mention. People light up when they feel heard, not when they hear about your problems.
• Remember names and use them. The sweetest sound to anyone is their own name. When someone tells you their name, repeat it back immediately and use it during the conversation. "That's interesting, (name)" hits different more casual than just a compliment.
• Make the other person feel important. Find something genuine to appreciate about them their jacket, their perspective, their energy. Not fake compliments, but real observations. Everyone wants to feel valued.
• Don't argue, even when you're right. "You're wrong" never changed anyone's mind, it just makes them defensive. Instead, try "I see your point, I've had a different experience..." People don't care how much you know until they know how much you care.
• Admit your mistakes quickly. When you mess up in conversation, own it immediately. "Actually, I think I misunderstood what you meant" disarms people and makes them more likely to give you grace.
• Let people save face. If someone says something incorrect, don't embarrass them publicly. Find a way to redirect without making them look stupid. They'll remember how you made them feel, not who was right.
• Ask questions instead of giving orders. Instead of "you should try this restaurant," try "have you ever been to that new place downtown?" Questions make people feel involved in the decision rather than told what to do.
• Talk about their interests, not yours. That story about your weekend might be fascinating to you, but if they just mentioned they're stressed about work, ask about that instead. Meet people where they are emotionally.
• Once I stopped trying to be interesting and started being interested, socializing became effortless. People actually seek me out now because they feel comfortable around me.

Most people are so focused on themselves that when you focus on them instead, you become magnetic by comparison. It's not manipulation if you genuinely care about making others feel good.

These techniques work because they tap into basic human psychology everyone wants to feel heard, valued, and important. Give people that feeling and they'll associate those good emotions with you.