u/4evaDisappointed

I entered one while understanding we can date other people and then got told by the person I was a backup plan while they see how that goes. I ended it extremely upset and he told me I overreacted and said as long as we don’t sleep together it’s not cheating.

EDIT: Didn’t want a relationship with this guy. Was more upset with the fact he told me they were exclusive as we’re flirting with each other and then called me a backup plan.

I’m FA/AP leaning secure. I’ve been in therapy for 8 years and me and my therapist have been touching on childhood wounds further for the past 2 years.

I met someone who was FA leaning DA. I felt like I found my person when I met him. I gave him so much benefit of the doubt, we talked for hours, shared our childhood, just I’ve never felt more myself with anyone..told me he can’t eat sometimes when talking to me.. but then..he’d tell me my emotions are one sided, or tell me he’s dating someone else and when I try and move on…he’d reach out to me again. Say protective things.

Everytime he did this, I would softly tell him how he’s acting and he’s crash out or reject me. I’d give him space and it would start all over again with either one of us reaching out.

The last straw was when I finally just asked him out and he told me he was talking to someone but can keep me separate. We had intimacy and agreed to an FWB. I just left an abusive relationship and just wanted to see how I feel. My only rule was we talk honestly and he changed the rule and told me I’m a backup plan to this girl and that he likes her after he slept with me.

I cracked. I told him he’s cheating on her. I told him he doesn’t respect me. I told him he’s manipulative and doesn’t deserve any of this. I told him how every time I try and leave he chases me and it’s confusing. That I care more about his wellbeing than he does about mine. His response? He’s been clear. I didn’t respond. I’ve just been crying on and off for 2-3 weeks feeling like I’m stupid. Feeling like he’ll pop back up.

You can be patient, understanding, and loving to someone with FA but it DOESNT mean they’ll realize what they have and grow and change. No one MEETS someone and goes “let me be the best I can be for this person”. It’s a fucking trap.

He’s made me feel so delusional for actually loving someone with my whole heart only to be called a backup plan. I can’t stop crying

I ended an abusive relationship 2.5 months ago, and towards the end. I’ve lost a lot of weight. The saddest part out of all of this is I lost my ass (never let a man cause you to lose your ass).

For context, I use to be overweight and now I’m much smaller but people at work are noticing I’m getting smaller and smaller.

Because I’m unmedicated, I’m looping like crazy on what happened. I spent the entire day in my bed and the hunger never came. It still hasn’t. I’m ordering food and smoking weed to force myself to eat.

I miss being able to eat 3 times a day. When I’m at work, I’ll rarely eat breakfast or snacks I’ll much on not out hunger but of just anxiety? If that makes any sense. What tools do you use to help you eat?

EDIT: I’m waiting on medication. All I have are anti anxiety meds.

The relationship was emotionally abusive and he used my vulnerabilities as an excuse for why this relationship ended.

I don’t know why my mind is wanting to go back back to it…I do miss him but then it gets muddied with everything else…

I want to say how much it hurts, how much what they’ve told me is abusive, how much they’re gaslighting, rewriting my boundary to sort their worldview to avoid accountability. But I was told they don’t care, it’ll fall on deaf ears. I was told him to block them. But I’ve been unblocking and blocking so many times..maybe this is attachment? Idk..

I’ve realized that being parentified at a young age has caused me to stay in situations longer than I should. Two abusive relationships back to back where my needs/wants were backslid and they don’t take accountability. I attract takers.

I’m now in a situationship with someone where I said if anything changes outside of this we talk about it as he said he was only talking to someone. Instead he slept with someone else and told me I’m on the shelf as it’s what we agreed to as he’s been clear. I expressed this isn’t an FWB. I haven’t said anything, as I don’t know how to reply. Every time I try and move on, he messages me. Flirts with me. But when I ask for anything..I don’t get anything.

I’m now in a work situation where I was diagnosed with ADHD (I’m still unmedicated and waiting on meds now). My performance at work became an issue as it’s a stressful period and now they’ve placed me on performance plan where everything they’ve marked is linked to my disability. I expressed this cannot continue as it’s not an accurate depiction of how well I can perform—I’m being tossed in a race with a broken leg. Every meeting was painful, and my accommodations weren’t consistent. I’ve been given time off and a call from HR offering me to think about if I want them to look into a severance package. I love my job, truly, but the process I can’t..

Everytime I try and block him. I unblock him wanting to say how I it’s not what we agreed on. Wanting to express how he’s shit. But I know if I do (and everytime I do express a need) I’ll get called dramatic (which he did call me when I said this isn’t an FWB then)

With work I know I can perform well. I just got diagnosed and it explains so much..I genuinely want to stay..

I know what I have to do, but I can’t bring myself to do it and I feel so weak..and stupid…

He cares so much about his image and framed everything to it being my fault and I believed him. It caused me to just hate myself more and I don’t know how to reconcile and move on from that fact..

When I’m upset about something, in the moment I’m not sitting there thinking they’re the villain or I’m the villain, it’s more nuanced than that. I take accountability. But if I notice the other person is deflecting, or getting upset I then tailor my response a bit while trying to express how I’m hurt. But then what I want gets kind of buried a lot of the time.

For example, I blocked someone without a word or anything simply because I knew if I said anything it would cause an argument I wasn’t in the space for (actions not matching words) and I was also dealing with 6 other life stressors, so I just blocked—gave myself a few days breathing room—and unblocked. Have no idea if they noticed but just apologized I needed to isolate (which I did), and tried to continue.

Like, I don’t curse people out. I don’t yell at people, but I am direct when it gets to that point. But this time I’m deciding not to because when I’m direct (all while seeing where they’re coming from) and tell people about their behavior they don’t take it well.

A good analogy would be me playing tug of war and when I finally tell them, instead of them calmly stopping and analyzing they just let go of the rope and I’m on the ground mending myself.

So what’s the difference and what’s the fine line?

For example: let’s say you meet someone (friend, acquaintance, gf/bf, whatever) and for whatever reason you have a fall out. You try and talk to them about it. You talk about how upset it’s made you feel but also apologize for your side, and then instead of them taking accountability, they flip it and say it’s all your fault and use your insecurities against you.

You realize that no matter what you say that’s the take and image they’re going to leave with. How do you continue your day, or your life without taking that on?

What if this is blood relative who does this all the time? What if this is more prevalent?

How do you have the emotional intelligence to just let it go? When that’s not who you are?

For a couple of years I’ve been chatting with this dude on and off. We’re emotionally/intellectually attuned to each other. He said we were friends as he was in a relationship (which I was fine with) but then would open up to me about his relationship and feelings and even told me he’s never wanted to cheat so bad, but I told him no I don’t do that. It’s just been an on and off of him saying he doesn’t want anything his actions says another, I confront him, he feel cornered, he says I want something, and I’m like I may hope for something but I don’t think you want me so no I don’t want anything, we separate, and we come back like nothing happened.

Now we’ve circled back. We’re both single. He tells me he’s committed to this girl he’s talking to but is ok with us having an FWB. I was ok with the arrangement. Sex was really great. I don’t think I’ve ever been physically attuned to someone before he didn’t even have to ask..

Then he said the situationship he’s in changed as they’ve started sleeping together. Long story short, he explained if this goes well we need to stop. I misunderstood due to wording he wanted something with me and quickly understood that wasn’t the case. He told me a relationship with me is off the tables/not in the cards (we work in the same company but don’t interact with each other—he’s said if we weren’t something would’ve happened already ages ago before this)’. I told him I’d still like to continue and I understand.

I’m in tinder now. Talking to someone. My heart isn’t fully in it. But I’m trying.

Not sure what to do or feel. I’ve accepted it is what it is. I don’t want to stop sleeping with him. I’m hearing his words but don’t understand the actions that follow..are weird. Who’s committed to a girl and then sleeps with someone else? I don’t get it but it’s whatever…

PS. I’m autistic maybe I’m just being weird? Haha

I was diagnosed with autism and adhd. Once I found out, and researched my diagnosis my entire life and what I knew shifted so much.

RSD and how I’m a people pleaser, choosing emotionally unavailable men who end up leaving me and not choosing me. My last relationship he had know emotional attunement and used my vulnerabilities against me. I left to get myself together because I was losing so much weight, didn’t feel emotionally safe, and when I had a panic attack he told me to spread the load and only appeared at the hospital because he didn’t want to look like a dick. He said he wanted a partner not a patient. When I was open and said I still loved him and am struggling to be friends he casually brought up dating other people in front of me out of nowhere (we weren’t even on the topic).

I’m now going back and forth between that and a guy who’s “committed” to another girl but wants to see where it goes with me. I’ve been asked out by someone else and told them I’m not ready for a relationship and am scared.

I love myself until I don’t. I think I’m awesome, until I’m not.

I just want to be chosen for all of me. But I guess how can I if sometimes don’t believe anyone will? I’ve gotten some books, am talking to my therapist about how it’s maybe how I was raised as well?

I was parentified at a young age and while my dad gave affection he worked so much he was not around much. But when he was with us he cared for us. Yet we did receive the belt as punishment or yelling…

I’m more vocal about what I want now. I use to be afraid to say anything..I don’t know if I’m growing or not..

Over the past few years, I’ve had people just dump everything at once on me. Instead of telling me when they’re upset, so I can apologize and correct it they hold it in and then dump every grievance they have on me at once. It’s now got to the point where I have large panic attacks and severe anxiety, and severe stress.

I’ve only had one ex tell me I become dismissive, but he was..emotionally abusive so he knew everything he told me I would believe about myself so I don’t know if that’s true.

I just know it keeps happening and I’m wondering if the issue is me or maybe the people I choose. Or maybe because I’m neurodivergent? Idk.

How can I be better if no one tells me?