u/According_Bad_8473

I would go underground during every semester break and ignore all calls made to me by my college buddies. For no particular reason other than I didn't want to speak to them. I wouldn't even answer when they called on my birthday. And then when I returned back after the break, they would feel like strangers to me. Even if we were best friends before the month long break

Is this a thing? DAE?

I would go underground during every semester break and ignore all calls made to me by my college buddies. For no particular reason other than I didn't want to speak to them. I wouldn't even answer when they called on my birthday. And then when I returned back after the break, they would feel like strangers to me. Even if we were best friends before the month long break

So I identify as female and there is absolutely no gender dysphoria there. However, Im just really never thinking about my own gender anyway. As in, it does not form a major part of my personality/identity.

I have at times acted very bro-ey at work because I was in a male dominated space and I didn't want to get picked on and didn't want to get outcaste (which is something that I have struggled with since teenage). It gave me great satisfaction and a sense of accomplishment and superiority that I had successfully manipulated the office idiots I lunched with. I say idiots because they were misogynistic and I didn't like them and also bothered me inspite of my act. I feel it would have been way worse for me if I had not put up the act. So it made me really happy and safe when one of the dudes said, "when I talk to you, its like I talk to a boy. You aren't a girl." none of this felt like my true nature though and tbh I felt it was exhausting and annoying.

And at times, I act very girly. It really depends on the context I am in and how safe I am feeling. I act in order to fit in. So with girls, Im more girly. And among boys, Im more boyish. And when I'm on my own, I'm just me.

I am more comfortable around girls but somehow I still don't feel like I belong with them. Either because of bullying or sometimes their man-hatred. Like if I supported a man because he was right, they piled up on me (according to them) for supporting the man because he is a man. And then I felt very unwelcome and like I don't belong in that space. And then got called a misogynist and talking to me was like talking to a wall apparently.

I definitely don't fit in with men but I can act like I do. And women seem to also reject me partially. And I don't feel like I belong anywhere then. This was a feminist sub btw, but I have had this kind of bullying experience on TwoXIndia as well. Im so confused about why I am being rejected by a good number of women.

Just something I noticed in myself during my last therapy session. I was asked to some difficult writing exercise. Which I had been arguing about with my therapist for sooo long lol. I finally agreed to do it. Had to open my phone to refer a doxument she had shared. I struggled with the fingerprint unlock and then immediately after it unlocked, got distracted by notifications. Almost as if my body was still refusing to do the exercise and blocking me by being clumsy and my mind was also refusing to cooperate by getting distracted so much. It was funny. I was logically there but apparently the unconscious was still noping out 😅

(Doing the exercise made me angry lol, so the resistance makes sense to me)

Just the title

Edit: describe your emotional landscape and internal monologue I guess

Mother obviously

I think she will get jealous and try to hoover me back in. Or attempt to cut my contact with them by the logic of "you are related to them through me" (this logic stumped me the first time I heard it). Or attempt to call my work in order to force me to talk to her (to be very clear, I did not give her my office reception number. She googled it). Or just turn up at my door. And also I think she will go digging for information about me from family I am still in touch with? How to break the low contact thing to the rest of family?

Its like puzzle pieces suddenly change shape and fit together. Its happened to me twice now.

The first time was a relief because I zoomed out of that one incident and looked at our overall dynamic and saw that I had been groomed (?). And all this while I had been carrying an unnecessary amount of guilt, convinced I was the asshole.

It connects...

And today in therapy, my therapist said that I am sooooo self-focussed that when something goes wrong, I immediately jump into analysis mode, what went wrong, what could I have done better. And it immediately connected with a conversation that I had with my mother last weekend.

Idk the synchronicity is striking that whatever we had spoken last weekend immediately clicked in my discussion with my therapist in session. Or maybe I just see a connection, however feeble, just because I have been chewing on that conversation in the back of my head, all week long. Or the other option is, how the f did I miss this?!

The things our families tell us in childhood stick around like gospel truth, unquestioned. Because you never think about it too much. That's how ingrained it is.

Anyway the conversation: I had been watching a video about TBI and its symptoms because I actually relate to a bunch of them like headaches, nausea, brain fog, poor memory which naturally made me very suspicious (these are also severe depression things btw). Brought back some memories and I asked my mother because it occurred to me that I don't actually have any first-person recollection of where I was hurt. I tried to remember what happened, like what I actually remember happening to me personally - - I was sleeping on the top-most berth in a 3-tier train I awoke crying and in pain and it was dark and everybody was sleeping. I had no idea where I was, just knew that I was in pain. And then one or both parents woke up and calmed me or consoled me. I do not remember where I was hurt or which parent consoled me. One or two days after we reached our destination, I was taken to a doc who checked my reflexes and I was deemed ok, no harm done. This is all that I remember.

But I was in the habit of always jokingly saying yeah I'm weird because I did actually fall on my head (did you fall on you head is a common phrase in my language for when someone does something stupid or weird). I don't even know how I picked up this habit. I dont remember who told me. I only recall that I have always been telling this story to myself and to others.

The story I told: I was extremely young and small. Not sure whether I had started school or not but small enough that I slipped through the middle of the safety chains and fell from the top berth to the train's floor. A good 6-7 feet drop onto a bumpy metal moving floor. I had insisted on sleeping there because I loved being up high (what can I say, I'm a cat). I fell on my head. I was assessed for a concussion.

What my mother said last weekend: You must have been 1 or 2. (I personally dont think it was that young and I said so. So she said maybe 3 or 4 then.) I don't know how you fell. You fell on your head. But didnt vomit. I dont know how I let this happen. I generally dont let this happen. You were alone up there, probably because the both us (parents) had been sharing a berth with my siblings: one kid with each parent. Whatever happened, happened.

When I was telling this story to my therapist, she didn't realise I was sleeping alone on the top berth. Until the end of my story. And she commented, that is like attempted murder. (uh what?!!)

Several interesting self-observations here:

1. I had been taking responsibility for the fall all this while. When my mother said "I don't know how I let you sleep up there all alone", I immediately said it was because I insisted. I was a *child*. My parent should be responsible for letting me on the top berth. Why the hell have I been carrying that responsibility. To be clear, I did not feel guilty but had sort of accepted that I had fallen because I was young and stubborn. And I am not really angry at my parents either, just disappointed. Because it clicked to me, that *this* is the earliest sign of parental neglect. I began to get the vibe that I'm a background child in adulthood, and towards the late-twenties. And the earliest neglect memory I had was of mother and sis studying together while I sat across from the table, working on my homework by myself. I remember looking up, looking at their dynamic and feeling something very odd and uncomfortable and vague. I didnt know what that emotion was back then, but now in adulthood, its obvious I was feeling jealous of my sister for all the attention she was getting. But no, I see now that it goes much further back than that.

2. My therapist's surprise about being left alone up high, was when I realised oh, thats not normal. Parents dont usually let young kids out of there sight.

3. My therapist said "attempted murder". It is a hyperbole, yes. But truely, the idea is so disagreeable to me that there was a vehemence behind my, "no, thats not" attempted murder", its just neglect." That idea is unacceptable to me. Nope. Absolutely. Not. I refuse, I cannot even entertain that idea. My parents wouldn't do that. Im their daughter. I must de-escalate. For my own sake.

4. Memories are super unreliable. My mother said I fell on my head. I asked her," did I? How come I didn't break my neck or something?" Which made her unsure too. And me, I had been parroting a story someone else told me and I don't even know *who* exactly told me. A second hand, unknown source. And the primary source - me - memory incomplete and missing there. And yet, I was fully convinced that this happened to me. It didn't even occur to me that I had just always been saying this without actually having a lived experience. It didn't even occur to me that someone else had told me this story, I was so used to it. I was fully convinced it was a first person experience.

5. I do not like evidence of neglect. I do not like being suddenly aware of it while it had been staring me in the face, since always. Makes me anxious. And I feel blocked. A wall immediately goes up in my mind's eye. I can no longer escape or avoid it. Also, I think I mistake disappointment for anxiety quite often. And how weird it is, that I don't blame my parents, or feel any anger towards them. And the "I insisted" arguement is weird too. I just feel disappointment in my parents. And then in myself for not seeing it. Which again sounds like I am taking responsibility.

Oooooof!

For me, that was some of my more abstract writing style in general. And specifically it was the sense of impermanence I felt, and my uncertainties regarding love and happiness. Also my habit of referencing parts of my body/psyche as separate entities. Someone once actually commented that it was weird on another sub.

>Self-editting how I interact with people. Its exhausting, irritating, frustrating and depersonalizing.

​

You do not see, do you? ​

The hidden things I do for you ​

The little adjustments ​

The things I do not say ​

You take it for granted ​

You assume ​

I am this way and ​

Will be always for you. ​

You do not hear the words I hold back ​

Because I know you, I know your ears would bleed ​

You do not see that I see you ​

Unclothed and vulnerable ​

Small while puffing out your chest ​

I see you, the you, you do not wish to see yourself ​

You do not see ​

You do not wish to see ​

You only wish to see the puffed-up version of you ​

You speak without care ​

Treat me without care ​

You do not see that you hurt me ​

Because all you see is the puffed-up you. ​

What will become of you ​

When I stop doing the little things ​

You so refuse to see.

I had asked for a book review and got these as a side effect. Thought they were pretty good, so sharing. The book was My Friends by Frederick Beckman. My friend who I had fallen out with and dumped a lot about on here, randomly messaged me saying this book reminded her of me and she thought I would like it. But I had the opposite reaction. I haven't read the book but I already had suspicions from the context of her message. So asked chatgpt to tell me the themes of the book. Guess what? Loss of friendship and dealing with that loss. Well I'm over *my* lost friendship with this friendship. Her message pissed me off. We are no longer close but we still talk occasionally. Her messaged reminded me of our lost friendship. She poked the grave as it were.

​

What happens when the people who made life bearable disappear?

>I just exist or float. There are no goals.

​

What remains after a friendship ends?

>Nothing. Only memories that themselves fade away. And I prefer that they fade away. Memories arent real/tangible anyway

​

Can something still be valuable if it doesn't last?

>Yes but... I don't know what comes after the but. If whatever it was, fundamentally changed me for th worse, I don't understand why I still hold it dear.

​

How would you answer these questions?

​

Its also a bit annoying to me that she is less stuck on me than I am on her. Clearly she was able to read the book with her sanity still intact. Meanwhile, the mere mention of it triggered a crying spell in me. Story of our entire dynamic from the beginning I guess. It was hurtful before, when I became aware of the dynamic which was basically the last year of our friendship. Still is. But now there is an element of impatience and "Still??! Bloody hell!"

​

(Yes, I'm aware I sound like I loved her. I think the attachment was somewhere between romantic and friendship, at least on my mind)

The sweat makes my scalp itchy af. I do not suffer from dandruff. Just heat and sweat. And i have thickish, long, wavy hair so normally I wash it once a week. Preferably a dry shampoo that wont be visible. Please help

Because i got confused reading a comment. Preferably with specific examples. Thanks :)