u/Alv3ducky

(16F)

My psychiatrist is putting me on abilify for irritability in my autism and Prozac for depression and anxiety related issues. The last medication I was on was Zoloft. While taking it I saw a very small difference in my lifestyle, so I eventually tapered off of it and haven’t been on any medication since last year. I’m worried now that because I’m being put on two medications -after a long medication hiatus- the drastic changes will be so abrupt- I just want to be prepared. I am already slightly overweight for my height and age, not super active, and fairly insecure (and I’ve heard abilify makes you gain pretty fast) so this is probably my biggest fear… is this a guaranteed side effect? Could I even experience weight loss? I fear that If it does gain weight then I’d immediately drop the med even if it helps. Just any advice or heads up about this combo + what to expect!!

Also side tangent: I’m also really worried about being completely numb to everything. I am currently doing online school so theatre is my only social interaction each day and there I am so authentically myself, I don’t want that to change. I don’t want it to change the way I think and process and make jokes and socialize with others. I just want it to minimize the overbearing depression and overstimulation. Should I expect to feel nothing??? Idk

Also!!! Edit: there is like a 99% chance I have endometriosis. Either way my periods are excruciatingly painful, debilitating in every way there is, and super super heavy. Have these meds affected anyone’s menstrual cycle or am I just overthinking lol

that shower was the best shower to have showered in the history of showers 😩 felt like sharing lmaooo

My diagnosis came back, and I have been medically diagnosed with Level 1 autism and an unspecified mood disorder. I met the criteria for depression, anxiety, and OCD, but because they weren’t specifically testing for those, they couldn’t give me a formal diagnosis for them. I still feel like something is missing though. I don’t want to be one of those teenagers who sees a video online and immediately self-diagnoses, so I wanted to ask people on here if I should go talk to someone about getting an actual diagnosis (I’m not at all asking for a diagnosis from Reddit , just some insight!!!)

Some possible symptoms:

Cleanliness/Need for order:
Since I was a kid, I’ve always had a “thing” with cleaning and organizing, but recently it has evolved into something different. As a kid, my bed always had to be PERFECTLY made, and I wasn’t even allowed to sit on it during the day because I was worried about messing it up. If anyone sat on my bed or tried to make it for me, I would get really upset because I felt like they were making it messy. My toys and stuffed animals also had to be arranged in a very specific order that felt “right” to me, and I would get extremely annoyed if someone messed it up

Now, at 17, it has shifted more toward cleanliness and contamination. I’m constantly reminding everyone in my house to take their shoes off before coming inside because I’m scared they’ll contaminate everything. I can’t step into my room unless my feet are clean, and if someone walks into my room with shoes or dirty feet, I get extremely upset and immediately feel dirty. I avoid the room we keep our cats litter boxes in because that room is dirty and makes me feel dirty if I have to step foot in there. I also have a very strict cleaning ritual that I do almost every day -at least during the summer and on weekends. I live with people who are pretty messy, and I get overwhelmed really quickly when things are disorganized (sometimes to the point of having a meltdown.)

I often feel dirty even when I know I’m clean. I’ll get the urge to shower even when I’ve already showered because I’m worried about getting nonexistent “filth” onto my pillows and sheets. Recently I’ve developed a phobia towards my dogs which makes me sad; I have to wash my hands after petting them, and if they lick me, I’ll sometimes feel like I need to shower because I’m scared I’m now dirty (but I can usually stray away from that extreme). This is a relatively recent development; I wasn’t like this as a kid. I also rarely let my dogs sleep in my bed anymore because I’m worried they’ll make it dirty and therefore, make me dirty. (Somehow this logic does not apply to my baby precious adorable cat though)

Rumination/Anxiety/Perfectionism:
One of the biggest annoyances I cause my family is how much I ruminate and how often I bug people because of my habits. One of the things that contributed most to my autism diagnosis was how much I ruminate, struggle to make decisions, and obsess over getting things right.

As a kid, I would have breakdowns if something wasn’t done the way I thought it should be. For example, if I made a mistake on schoolwork, I would sometimes rip out the entire page and start over. Those patterns still show up now. I also have a huge need for predictability and feel like I need to know exactly what the plans are, when they’re happening, and what’s going to happen.

Unwanted thoughts/anxiety/fear:
Im no longer religious but as a kid, whenever I prayed, horrible thoughts would randomly pop into my head like “I want my whole family to die in a horrible car crash.” I obviously didn’t actually want that to happen, but I would feel like I had to restart the prayer to somehow erase the thought. I also felt like I had to list my entire family and all of my classmates in my prayers because I was scared that if I wished for safety for some people but not others, something bad might happen to the people I left out.

I also couldn’t sleep alone because I was terrified something would happen to me. I would constantly ask my mom to let me sleep in her bed or on her floor, to the point that she would get so frustrated that she eventually had to lock herself in the bathroom almost every night because I would just cry and pace around talking about how scared I was instead of sleeping. When I would sleep on her floor, I had to put pillows around her bed because I was convinced someone could be hiding underneath it waiting to hurt me. I would also have to whisper things to myself to try to calm my brain down enough to sleep. I was put on anxiety medication as early as age 6 because I was scared so often. I was also TERRIFIED of dying in a natural disaster, especially a tsunami, despite living about 30 minutes from the nearest beach.

Now, those fears have changed forms. At school, I feel like I need to have an evacuation or hiding plan in case there’s a shooting. At night, I’ll have intrusive thoughts about someone breaking into my house or something terrible happening to my pets or family, and I feel like I need to make an evacuation or hiding plan. I have to actively force myself to think about something else so I don’t work myself up (but I am able to tame it most nights and it never escalates, it’s just bad thoughts).

When I’m walking, I have a hard time wearing headphones and just enjoying myself because I’m scared I won’t hear someone approaching me. I’ll look behind me every few seconds because I’m worried someone is following me. I also have some really specific checking behaviors. I’m irrationally afraid that I’ll accidentally post something on Instagram, so I check my social media multiple times before going to sleep to make sure I didn’t post anything. I check my phone repeatedly while I’m showering because I’m afraid it could somehow be recording me naked and that it would post those nudes to my social media. I also check multiple times before bed to make sure my alarm is actually on.

At school, I’m constantly scared of doing something wrong, especially in tech theater. I’ve actually gotten in trouble multiple times because I overthink things and take too long to do them because I’m trying to figure out exactly what I’m supposed to do and how to do it perfectly.

There’s honestly a lot more I could probably think of too.

The lines between anxiety, OCD, and autism seem really blurry to me, which is part of why I’m confused. I kinda doubt OCD because it feels like a lot of what I experience is more anxiety and intrusive thoughts than the stereotypical compulsions you see portrayed online. But maybe that’s just because I have a very stereotypical idea of what OCD is supposed to look like?
What’s your thoughts?

Hey! I’m on the waitlist but rapidly losing hope, so I’ve turned to resale hoping to come across something! I’m looking for just 1 GA ticket. I’m located in San Diego but can meet up anywhere relatively close. I can use PayPal or whatever form of exchange works best if anyone is willing to help a girl out! 🌼🫰(also need some sort of verification of course)

For context, I’m 17. Two years ago my dad cheated on my mom with her best friend. He lied to all of us about it, saying it only happened once and that it was over. Later we found out they were still together, and we also found out he had cheated with another one of my mom’s friends too. So there have been a lot of lies and betrayal over the last couple of years.
The other day I was out walking and saw my dad’s car parked in the affair partners driveway. The thing that really got to me is that she only lives about a block away from our house. Seeing his car there made me feel like he expects everyone to just accept what happened and act like it’s normal. So, that night my sister and I took a bottle of ketchup and squirted it on my dads and her car. I didn’t key it, break anything, or damage it. The ketchup washed off the next morning. My dad even admitted it came right off. Was it stupid of me objectively and also sounds very childish? yes. But it was simply to inconvenience them since they constantly inconvenience me. It wasn’t like I took a can of spray paint and vandalized her house with a bunch of profanity. I have enough of a head on my shoulders to know that isn’t okay.
The next day he was furious and said I was vandalizing property. He told us that if his girlfriend wanted to take legal action, he would let her because “it’s her choice.” He made me and my sister out to be criminals over a bottle of freaking ketchup.
What bothered me most is that instead of acknowledging that maybe this came from years of hurt over what he did, he immediately defended his girlfriend and acted like the ketchup was the real issue. Later he called me and my sister saying he was “disappointed” in us. When I responded that I could make a much longer list of things I’m disappointed in him for, my grandma got on the phone and started lecturing me too. I ended up yelling back at my grandma and arguing pretty hard with her, which I do feel guilty about because I love her and we’ve never argued like that before. But I also felt like she was completely ignoring everything my dad has put us through and was only focused on the ketchup. The way that she can so easily defend him is astonishing. At the end of the call, my dad called me, his teenage daughter “sick” and told me my “head is up my ass.” Mind you, he’s literally describing himself. I know squirting ketchup on someone’s car wasn’t the most mature thing to do, and I probably shouldn’t have done it - but I’m not a bad kid, I rarely leave my room - this was just to inconvenience him, not me becoming a criminal. But after two years of lying, cheating, and constantly being expected to just accept the situation, I finally snapped. How long do they expect me to bite my tongue?

It also goes much much much deeper than I can fit into a simple post so this was just a summed up version that barely scratches the surface of the pain he’s caused for us all and how my family has been right there to support his heinous actions

About 2 years ago, we found out my dad had been cheating on my mom with TWO of her closest friends - one being a hookup and the other being a full-blown underground relationship. To make matters worse, the lady was also my sister's best friend's mom! My dad was planning not to tell us and keep it a secret by covering up their adultery with divorce until they were caught by one of my mom’s other friends, who proceeded to tell her about all of this.

Since, things have been, as one would expect, very difficult and hard to come to terms with. Not only do I have to deal with the fallout, but I also have to be there for my completely unstable mom (though she has gotten a bit better in these two years) Right after we found out, he lied to us and told us he was no longer seeing her, and it was just a hookup. Eventually, I “accepted” this and tried to rekindle a relationship with him while also making it clear I do not support what he did. This is until I found out he had lied yet again and was still seeing her. Now I have completely distanced myself and want nothing to do with him. I mean how could he do that to us!? I have also pushed his side of the family away, not only because they are all complete assholes but because they are all - for the most part- in support of him and have not reached out to my mom or me or my sister to ask if we were doing okay. They are all the “not my circus not monkeys” type of people and I can’t stand that.

It took a while, but eventually my sister forgave him and all the while my dad has still been there to help pay for our house and most bills and he and my sister hang out and do things together and buys her things. He constantly asks me if I want to hang out or go get dinner, etc. He makes the effort but I just can’t get behind HIM as a person if that makes sense? He is very much the Disney-dad, so to speak. The other day, my mom pushed me to start talking to him again because “he’s your dad and he loves you very much?” But how can a loving father reck their family like how he did, lie to us about it, and still put this woman who was my mom's best friend before us considering we told him we don’t like her with him. My grandma also had a talk with me about how I’ll regret pushing him away all these years and if there is anyway she can help rebuild our relationship she will do it. It’s conversations like that where I feel bad for distancing myself. Sometimes I miss my dad and wish we had a better relationship, but I find it impossible to separate him from what he did to us and is still doing by dating her. I hate him to my core, but I don’t want to, but again, nothing he does aligns with my morals and values and I can’t see past that when they are so engrained into my makeup and function.

Maybe he deserves to be happy, but this is not the way to go about it. What do I do about this? I don’t know whether to try and take baby steps to regain our relationship or if I’m doing the right thing by cutting off this narcissistic and self-absorbed guy. I’m only 17, so maybe things will change soon enough, and I just go where I naturally feel drawn to go and maybe acceptance will come with maturity and time, but god I just don’t know and everyone’s making me feel like I’m crazy for wanting to cut him off

Since our summer break began, my friend has been texting me at least once a day -if not more- to tell me how she doesn’t eat because her body doesn’t have “hunger cues”. To be fair, I know nothing about this issue and whether or not that’s a real psychological thing or some chemical imbalance, so maybe it truly is her body not giving her signals as to when she should be eating?

Today, though, she texted me and said, “give me a logical reason as to why I should eat right now because I really really really don’t want to”, and that sounds… kinda like it’s crossing into disordered territory? Is it my place to tell her I am concerned her habits may be blurring the lines between normal and unhealthy? Should I try to divert the conversation to something other than food next time? Should I simply provide an answer to her text?

I’m a bit ashamed to be writing this but I desperately need some advice because I feel completely stuck and helpless in my own brain. I can’t seem to break out of the loop I’ve gotten myself into. For reference before I start, im 17.

I’m on summer break, and I’ve spent most of it home alone and bored but today was especially hard. When my mom got home, she suggested we go to the beach or play a game, but we ended up arguing about some of her financial irresponsibility. As weird as it sounds, the argument seemed to stimulate me and almost balance out the extreme boredom I’d been feeling. It escalated and I got trapped in one of my rumination cycles where I just couldn’t stop arguing. I was so understimulated that even something as emotionally exhausting as a fight felt better than the boredom that had become genuinely unbearable and excruciating

Eventually, my mom locked herself in her room, but I stood outside her door knocking for at least 20 minutes, even though I knew I should stop. I overwhelmed her to the point that she came out and physically tried to push me away. She told me she would send me back to a mental hospital and call the police on me, which really triggered me because of past traumas involving the same thing. I went straight into fight-or-flight mode and started sobbing.

When she locked herself in her room again I kept standing outside the door, now terrified that she was actually calling someone to take me away. Even though I knew I should leave, I couldn’t make myself stop. Eventually, she left the house, and then the stimulation was gone and the regret settled in I guess

Now I still feel trapped in my own brain. I don’t understand why I get like this. In the moment, it’s like I know what I’m doing is making everything worse, but I feel unable to stop. Afterwards I look back and feel embarrassed, guilty, and confused about why I acted that way. Why do I get stuck in these loops where I know I should walk away but I just can’t seem to please help

Edit: her friend did end up calling someone which is a complete overstep of my boundaries and makes me feel like even more of a monster but the people she called didn’t come in because I had calmed down a bit. I hate myself for this and I hate even more that nobody within my circle will ever understand how it feels to be a victim of your brain