u/Amazing_Platypus4088

I grew up in a military family. We moved often. I liked being around other kids who moved often; we could understand each other. When I got around “civilian” people I felt a huge disconnect. I didn't think about how most people stay relatively close to where they were born for large chunks of their life. They have their own friends they have known most of their life. I often lost friends simply because they moved away. Making new friends after high-school got difficult because everybody already had a group. Deployments sucked. I didn't get to know or connect with extended family. Don't get me wrong - there are positive effects of growing up this way. I got to travel more than most people ever do, the kids at my school really never made fun of others on account of race or ethnicity (for as many faults at the US military has it also the most diverse organization on the planet). I feel I adapt quickly, and it made me resilient. I think of the negatives vs positive and for me, it is split down the middle. If you have a similar background I am wondering how it is for you.

To cut to the chase - I was born with a rare heart condition. I grew up regularly going to doctors to keep an eye on it. I wanted to share a weird conversation I had with a doctor. During the appointment I did all the test I need to do and eventually sit down with the doctor to see how I am doing. He tells me "I believe your heart is strong enough to carry a child." I was 15 years old. That was the whole conversation. At the time, I assumed I would one day have children (obv I have changed my mind since then), but even so I felt that was really off. Why are doctors more concerned with a fetus that doesn't exist over a real person sitting in the room with them? I go for a heart checkup and your only concern is that I can have a baby one day? That was weird as hell right?

I cannot stop ruminating on my past mistakes and bad experiences. It is constant. If I'm looking at an object/watching a show/or anything really when thinking about a specific memory, I know it will happen again next time I see it. I usually have multiple different memories I ruminate on in a day. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and last thing I think about until I go to bed. Even when doing an activity to try and forget it, It pops up regularly. I can pick one mistake i made and dwell on it for hours or just have a rapid fire montage of sorts. This has been going on for quite some time. I tried the tricks - hold an ice cube, try and redirect your thoughts, ect... yet here we are every single day. I am at the end of my rope. I can't function normally anymore. If you have ever experienced this, please help me and give me suggestions. Thank you.

I don't know where to start so I will just jump in - I (F-30), have had a lifelong battle with depression. My therapist has suggested I have a personality on the schizophrenic spectrum (not schizophrenia itself). I simultaneously have little desire to go make social connections yet I am aware this had led to being lonely. I'm an only child, I grew up military so I have made few connections in life. My favorite childhood memories (I should say memory because I can only think of one) are memories where I am alone - which was most the time. I feel like a normal life is impossible for me. I have no motivation, I am constantly tired, I can tell people think I'm weird. I have no interest in romantic relationships. I have cyclical vomiting syndrome - this has led to me losing jobs and friendships. I wake up everyday and think about every bad memory I have all day. I cannot conjure up any positive memories because I just don't have any. I have been able to do some cool things like travel during my childhood. Somehow, I am not able to enjoy anything. I've been told this is temporary - but it has always been this way for me. I've always had a preoccupation with death. Once my parents are gone, I will truly have nobody. I struggled in school and that led to everybody thinking I'm stupid. I have a hard time communicating with people so I see why they say that. I was blamed for my depression, my words are constantly twisted by my own mother. She misinterprets what I say, then turns around to her family and makes me out to be a bad person. People make fun of me to my face regarding all the "stupid" things I have done meanwhile they get every detail wrong and include straight up lies. I feel like I hate everybody I know. I have tried to get better. I've tried so many anti-depressants and they don't do a thing for me. I'm in therapy. I started a mood stabilizer and if it doesn't help me I'm done. I don't want to hurt my parents. However, I get into moods where I don't care if they're upset. They upset me my entire life. Cold and neglectful parents are a root cause of my (suggested) personality disorder. Sometimes I think it isn't worth having living a terrible life just so they can be less miserable. I am both physical and emotional pain. I have a plan and I think about it constantly. All I ever wanted is to feel peace - even just a little bit, and have some connections to other people in life. I don't think that was too much to ask for. I have never been able to "clear my head". It's constant noise and a voice telling me it's too late, and that I can never have a life worth living. It has only happened a few times, but I am beginning to experience both auditory and visual hallucinations. The only comfort I get now is thinking about the plan I have to end my life. I'm going to go to a hotel and overdose on sleeping pills. I will give it until my next birthday in a few months. If the mood stabilizer doesn't kick in, I am going to do it. Sometimes I fantasize about what I would like my life to be. There is a part of me that wants to get better, but I have tried so many times to no avail. It's like I am incapable of feeling human emotions. I so deeply want to be somebody who can find joy in life. I'm just not that person. Nothing anybody has said on the subject has gotten through to me. I'm starting to think it is time to wrap this up. Death is not the worst thing that can happen to someone. I think of it as saving myself from a life full of torture.

I cannot stop ruminating on my past mistakes and bad experiences. It is constant. If I'm looking at an object/watching a show/or anything really when thinking about a specific memory, I know it will happen again next time I see it. I usually have multiple different memories I ruminate on in a day. It's the first thing I think about when I wake up and last thing I think about until I go to bed. Even when doing an activity to try and forget it, It pops up regularly. I can pick one mistake i made and dwell on it for hours or just have a rapid fire montage of sorts. This has been going on for quite some time. I tried the tricks - hold an ice cube, try and redirect your thoughts, ect... yet here we are every single day. I am at the end of my rope. I can't function normally anymore. If you have ever experienced this, please help me and give me suggestions. Thank you.