But I can’t fill my script until the morning so I’m drinking tonight!
Chairs!
I have bottles of wine at my disposal
This is my last hoorah as they say
I’m going to try and enjoy it as sick as I am
Also, I started my fucking period which sucks when you’re already living like a trash panda.
For not taking my dog to the vet in a timely manner and also for being a prostitute in my spare time…
My dog is okay, I did take him to the vet
My official MyChart diagnosis is “personality disorder unspecified” cluster B…
I think I relate the most to narcissism because I can still have feel feelings. Unlike with ASPD which the doctor diagnosed me with verbally. In the ICU no less. I’ll tell the full story if there’s any questions
Dr Shaw Houston Texas River Oaks Medical Center
Rot in hell Dr Shaw
New thing since I’ve been sober from alcohol, but I met a guy in the psych hospital and I gave him head for over a gram of Fent.
Husband catches me as soon as I walk in, grabs the cigarette pack and sees what I have.
He thought it was coke for a second poor guy. I had to tell him what it was.
Now he’s mad and I sucked psych ward dick for no reason cause the dope is gone now.
Edit: he gave my fetty back. It might be fake or I fucked up my tolerance with subutex… I just wanted to shoot it but he didn’t have a rig so I just snorted the BS.
If not dope, I wonder what I’m snorting. My pupils are pinpoints so I think it’s doing something
I can’t even enjoy my day off because I don’t know how to just chill. I can’t be still.
I’m a sensation seeker as my therapist would say. I need something more than life.
I used to be a heroin addict and I’m on subutex now. I doubt I could even get an opiate high now if I wanted to.
I miss it. I would cut my arm off to feel that way forever.
I love it more than anything. Even myself. It’s pathetic cause I have a husband and kids.
I don’t know why I love that needle so bad but I’ll never feel it again because the subutex
They never left the unit with me. I brought them prescribed from my home doctor.
They were in my purse when the police took me 2 hours away to a facility.
I actually filled a police report on the hospital and I’m calling patient advocate on Monday when she’s there.
Also a tech pulled me out of the shower by my arm hard for showering when I got to the unit. Because it wasn’t shower time.
I didn’t notice my meds missing until I was already in the transport guys car on the way home.
He was actually going to turn around for me but the hospital kept hanging up on me.
They shouldn’t be able to do this just because no one will believe me.
DV situations I mean
When my dad was hitting on my mom, he threatened to kill her. He told me and my sister we “better call 911 because he was about to kill our mom.”
We called 911 but I got scared and hung up the phone.
This was in the day of landlines back in the 2000s.
They called right back. They came and threatened to shoot our dog and our little brother because they ran upstairs with guns drawn and pulled him out of bed because they didn’t know who the culprit was supposed to be. He was like 13.
I remember crying telling the cop I can’t get my dog to stop barking at you. I’m so sorry. Please don’t shoot her.
He was like “where is your dad? Where is your dad?”
And we were like “we don’t fucking know”
They finally found him running down the street with no shirt on, and they made me and my mom and my siblings go to a hotel for the night on our own dime
I had 9th grade final tests the next day for the next semester, and my mom made me go to school. Took all the tests but probably failed. I don’t remember.
I had a “kind of” friend, who was pretty popular, and I tried to tell her what happened to me the last night, but she just looked at me stunned and walked away.
I felt so stupid for trying to tell anyone
That’s what I told the nurse. She couldn’t tell me anything because she needed to gather information from me first and she said the doctor would come tell me. In the end, a man walked in and I asked him if he was the doctor and he told me no, he was the chaplain.
That’s how I found out
It’s been years but I’m still having flashbacks to the day I saw him in a body bag
Struggling this week
This is what Google says:
Edit: I googled the wrong shit
It’s “reverse tolerance” not “reactive”
“Alcohol tolerance is the body's reduced response to alcohol after repeated use, requiring more alcohol to feel the same effect. It is driven by metabolic changes in the liver and functional changes in the brain, differing from alcohol intolerance, which causes immediate adverse physical reactions like flushing or nausea”
My husband thinks I’m getting drunker than I am because I’m only drinking a couple of beers a day, but he thinks that I am so wasted. I’m not. I have been kindled and I do get alcohol withdrawals pretty quickly when I’m on a bender But I’m not having one rn
He says I am acting blackout and shitfaced when all I had were a couple 9% tall boys today. Nothing much. I haven’t touched liquor in about a year.
He’s not even working when I’m the one who works at at least part time. He gets a trust fund.
Probably for the best since our friendship was toxic.
I gave him half my suboxone script just to stay in his good graces.
I loved him. I’m so fucking sad that he’s gone. I’m trying to just give him time.
His mugshot ended up on a public police Facebook and I commented under it saying he’s a stand up guy.
He had just adopted a kitten and idk what happened to it. I’m assuming he’s in a fancy rehab because he has a wealthy family.
He just cut me off like I’m nothing. He was my best friend.
I know I’m a trigger for him. He knows my medication is only an ask away. I’m being respectful…
But my heart fucking hurts bro…
They always have to stick me somewhere weird. I’m an ex heroin addict and all my veins are collapsed.
The have to put it in my hands or wrists.
My heart rate is always high as is my blood pressure because of the drinking. When I’m sober, my blood pressure is gravy.
I wonder how long I have left to live
I would describe it as having altimeters or dementia. That’s what it felt like. The psychotic episode was triggered by alcohol use/withdrawal..
I also have bipolar disorder
I thought the FBI was after me and was hearing voices. Tbh I don’t even know what all I did. Apparently I kept pulling out my IVs and made all the nurses hate me and I couldn’t remember what I did to them.
It felt so real and I have gaps in my memory of it. I didn’t know my mind could break like that
I don’t know if it’s gonna stick. He has his friend over because they’re supposedly starting a business…
They just got drunk and made food.
He’s been awful to me and telling me I am so drunk when all I had were three beers.
I’m not blacked out I remember everything. His friend backed him up and said I drank more than I did, when my husband strong armed him into it.
I texted my mom and my boss to quit my job because I wanted to seal it tonight so that I won’t back out. I want to be out of this.
I don’t know if he’s gonna talk me out of it in the morning, but I really don’t wanna be with him anymore
I don’t know where I’m gonna get to stay. Maybe my mom‘s house but I will have to stay on the couch.
I’m a hospital girly. I don’t taper. I use benzos every time because I am a wimp or whatever you wanna call me. This is how I do that multiple times a year.
When I go into the ER, I always bring a little alcohol with me so that I don’t go into withdrawals. They’re gonna make me wait a long time. There are people with serious medical conditions that are going to take precedence so you have to remain humble.
You never ask for a dose of benzos while you’re there. Most likely you show up drunk. As I do every time. So you will admit to them that you don’t wanna wait for it to get that bad because you’re scared so you are obviously gonna come in drunk. You ask the doctor when you see him straight up will he prescribe you take home benzos. He will either say yes or no. If they say no, don’t argue. Take the fluids take the Zofran go home take a couple more shots and go to bed. Try again the next day with another doctor.
Tell the doctor you’re not a drug seeker. I make this pretty clear but usually they can tell by your vital signs. Alcoholics can still have extremely high blood pressure while drunk and they know this. Your heart rate and blood pressure will probably be off the chart if you’re sick enough to be needing benzos.
Just come at the doctor like a human being, and tell them that you need this, the power is in their hands, and make it clear that whether they say yes or no, you’re not gonna be a problem. That way, if you come back the next day, they’re not gonna think anything bad about you.
I always have a state funded rehab on back up. There’s one about an hour and a half away from my house that I have to go to sometimes and I get my Suboxone through them so if it is a last resort, I’ll go to rehab which always has option to only detox. It’s about three or four days if you go in on the weekday. I would recommend a Wednesday or Thursday. That way the doctor is there so you get your prescriptions for benzos and aren’t waiting the weekend with no medication.
I consider myself nowadays more of somebody who is sober, but goes on benders that last a few weeks and land me in the hospital.
This last time was at the ER I was dog drunk and my blood pressure was 150/107. My heart rate was crazy too.
I had also fallen a few weeks before, and cracked my skull on the tile in the bathroom, and it feels like it hasn’t healed yet.
They let me close the hospital door because I had fucking la Llorona in the next room screaming. The nurses and doctors were so busy with her that I got to close my door.
I was kicked back in the hospital room. Listening to 50 Cent on my phone and vaping and drinking my box wine that they never even confiscated.
Obviously, that was my last drink. I’ve been sober since that boxed wine in the hospital bed.
The doctor finally came in to check on me, and we basically made a deal that he didn’t have to follow up on my head injury or my blood pressure as long as he gave me some take home benzos.
It was kind of an unspoken deal.
I told him that’s all I wanted and he seemed so relieved that he didn’t have to deal with me anymore than that.
I also asked him to “have mercy on my soul”, and he looked at me like I might be a crazy person.
Edit: Oh, but the whole point. My benders are getting shorter and shorter, and my sobriety stents are getting longer and longer.
I find it goes faster if I don’t count. My husband is still an alcoholic. He drinks like 2 or 3 bottles of wine a day. It makes it so hard. I’m on antibuse, but somehow I can still drink on it so it’s worthless.
I’m still sober but my life sucks. My husband is mean, I make minimum wage, I’m mentally ill, trauma, etc.
Gratitude list: we’re homeowners, I actually like having sex with him, I have adorable pets and a loving family. I’m not starving to death just because I’m hungry some days.
There are 2 main ones I’ll never forget.
1.) I had DTs. That’s delirium. I had no clue what was going on. They actually called my husband to come stay in the hospital bed with me overnight in a single bed to keep me calm because they could not control me. He would tell me when to stop shouting back at the nurses (auditory hallucinations where I thought they were talking shit about me). He really helped. It was nice of them, but against protocol.
2.) This is about my late husband dying. Trigger warning… when anyone dies in my state a doctor has to be the one to inform them. The dr was too busy so the nurse tried dropping hints he was dead, but I was in such denial. I got on my knees and started begging her that he was alive because we had a baby at home. She started crying and left saying she would get the Dr.
the man that walked in was a chaplain. Once he told me that, I never needed a doctor to come. I just made them let me see my husband. Dead or not I wanted to say goodbye. I threw a fit and they let me but he was already in a body bag zipped up to his chin with the trach still in. He had foam coming from his mouth and was completely blue. Why didn’t they try to clean him up a little for a family member? A doctor never came.
I vommited into my own lap on the way. I had to wait several hours for some scrubs. They told me they had no maternity underwear left so i had to go commando. I’m such a piece of garbage. The doctor was hot though…
I ask for credit everyday for a bottle of wine. I’m all “my husband will come pay for me later” which he does. I don’t steal. That’s low. But the old man cringes everytime he sees me. I lost my shame at around 16 years old fellow alcoholics: how old were you when you lost your sense of shame?
Only a 7 head count but still the most interesting serial killer to me. Was it self defense? Let’s get into it. I believe her when she says she went through a thousand men before she ran into the next asshole that wanted to rape or be rough. She let a lot live. Why?
Pretty much with the title says. I’m a nasty trash panda and sometimes when my husband isn’t looking I spit on the carpet. He never finds out. It’s just when I have something gross in the mouth like ashes or some thing. But anyway, I just spit out some ashes, and it landed right perfectly in an empty wine screw on cap on my floor. It must be fate or heaven or some thing.