u/Anxious_Detective702

Me (28F) and my ex (29M) have now broken up and we're in the process of moving out of the house we rented together.

I'm not asking if I should text him or try and get him back. We're doing the right thing by separating and having our own space. I think I'm just trying to make sense of whether what I'm hoping for is something that actually happens in real life.

The weird thing is, I don't think we stopped loving each other.

We were best friends, laughed constantly, were really affectionate and I've never felt that sense of belonging with another person before.

Our biggest issue became intimacy. About four months ago he told me he wasn't feeling attracted to me anymore. Naturally that really affected my confidence, so every now and then I'd ask if anything had changed. Looking back, I can see why that probably added pressure.

But what confused me was his reaction.

He kept saying his nervous system was fried and that he was burnt out. It got to the point where even a calm conversation about how either of us was feeling seemed to overwhelm him. Instead of working through things together, he'd shut down or end up saying we should break up. It felt like the relationship itself had become something his body associated with stress.

I wasn't perfect either. Once attraction became uncertain, I became more anxious, which probably made him feel even more pressure. We got stuck in a cycle neither of us knew how to get out of.

The reason I'm struggling is because I honestly don't think we're bad people for each other. If anything, I wonder whether we built too much pressure into the relationship too early, and eventually everything felt heavy.

Has anyone here ever had a relationship end like this and then, after months apart and genuinely living separate lives, found your way back to each other and actually made it work?

I don't mean getting back together after a week because you missed each other. I mean properly rebuilding from scratch after both people had grown.

Or is this usually just something we tell ourselves because we're grieving?

I'm genuinely okay hearing either answer. I just don't know whether I'm holding onto something that's actually possible, or something that almost never happens.

I'd really appreciate hearing from people who've genuinely lived it rather than what you think should happen.

This is a follow up to one of my previous posts because we've now actually broken up and are in the process of moving out of the house we rented together.

I'm not asking if I should try and get him back. I know no one can answer that. I think I'm more wondering whether what I'm describing is actually feasible or whether I'm just romanticising it.

Me (29F) and my ex (29M) had a genuinely lovely relationship in so many ways. We laughed all the time, were really affectionate, cared about each other deeply and there was always this strange feeling of belonging between us that I've never really experienced before.

The biggest issue was intimacy.

About four months ago he told me he wasn't really attracted to me anymore. As you can imagine, that completely knocked my confidence, so every now and then I'd ask if anything had changed or if he still felt that way. But those conversations never really went anywhere because he seemed to get overwhelmed really quickly.

He keeps saying his nervous system is fried and that he's burnt out. Even if nothing bad is actually happening, he seems to experience the relationship itself as stressful. Towards the end it got to the point where I'd bring up something vulnerable and he'd end up talking about breaking up because he just couldn't seem to cope with the emotional weight of it.

I know I wasn't perfect either. Once attraction became a question mark, I definitely became more anxious around it, which probably added pressure, and then he'd pull away even more. It became a cycle.

But here's the thing... I don't actually think we're toxic or bad for each other.

If anything, I almost wonder whether we never really got a chance to build a healthy relationship in the first place. We moved in together quite early, both had a lot going on individually, and over time the relationship just seemed to collect more and more emotional baggage.

Part of me wonders whether, after enough time apart and living separately, two people can ever genuinely come back together and date each other from scratch. Not picking up where they left off, but actually building something healthier because all that pressure isn't there anymore.

Has anyone actually experienced that?

Or once a relationship reaches this point, does it usually mean it's over for good?

I'm genuinely curious because I don't think we're incompatible. I think one of us just became so overwhelmed by the relationship that everything started feeling heavy, even when it wasn't.

Would love to hear from people who've been through something similar, whether it worked or it didn't.

My boyfriend (29M) and I (29F) have been together for around 2.5 years.

I know I wasn't an easy partner during the first year. I drank too much, struggled with anger, didn't regulate my emotions well and didn't always respect his boundaries. Looking back, I completely understand why he says he felt hurt and disrespected. Over the last year I've worked incredibly hard to change and genuinely feel like a very different partner.

He also has his own struggles. He finds communication difficult, tends to withdraw when things become emotionally intense, and admitted much later that he'd hidden the fact he'd been taking Viagra because of performance anxiety for much of our relationship because he was too ashamed to tell me.

The biggest issue now is attraction.

He says he loves me deeply. We laugh every day, support each other, genuinely enjoy spending time together and have a really strong emotional connection.

But over the last year he's repeatedly said his attraction has become inconsistent. Every few weeks he seems to pull away emotionally, intimacy drops and we've had several conversations where he's initiated breaking up.

Recently he said one of the reasons is that we keep repeating the same cycle: distance, anxiety, relationship conversations, temporary closeness and then back to the beginning.

We've decided that instead of continuing that pattern, we're going to spend the next few months trying something different. Less analysing the relationship, less pressure and more dating each other again to see whether we can rebuild something healthier.

I'm not asking anyone to tell me whether I should leave.

I'm trying to understand what this might actually feel like from his side.

For those of you who've experienced losing attraction to someone you still genuinely loved:
What was actually happening internally?

Did resentment change the way you saw your partner, even after they changed?

Was the attraction itself gone, or had it become buried under stress, pressure or unresolved hurt?

If your partner genuinely became healthier and calmer, what helped you actually see that version of them instead of the old one?

Looking back now, is there anything your partner did that genuinely helped rebuild attraction, or was that something only you could work through yourself?

I'm not looking for reassurance. I'd really value honest answers, even if they're difficult to hear.

My boyfriend (29M) and I (29F) have been together for around 2.5 years.

I know I wasn't an easy partner during the first year. I drank too much, struggled with anger, didn't regulate my emotions well and didn't always respect his boundaries. Looking back, I completely understand why he says he felt hurt and disrespected. Over the last year I've worked incredibly hard to change and genuinely feel like a very different partner.

He also has his own struggles. He finds communication difficult, tends to withdraw when things become emotionally intense, and admitted much later that he'd hidden the fact he'd been taking Viagra because of performance anxiety for much of our relationship because he was too ashamed to tell me.

The biggest issue now is attraction.

He says he loves me deeply. We laugh every day, support each other, genuinely enjoy spending time together and have a really strong emotional connection.

But over the last year he's repeatedly said his attraction has become inconsistent. Every few weeks he seems to pull away emotionally, intimacy drops and we've had several conversations where he's initiated breaking up.

Recently he said one of the reasons is that we keep repeating the same cycle: distance, anxiety, relationship conversations, temporary closeness and then back to the beginning.

We've decided that instead of continuing that pattern, we're going to spend the next few months trying something different. Less analysing the relationship, less pressure and more dating each other again to see whether we can rebuild something healthier.

I'm not asking anyone to tell me whether I should leave.

I'm trying to understand what this might actually feel like from his side.

For those of you who've experienced losing attraction to someone you still genuinely loved:
What was actually happening internally?

Did resentment change the way you saw your partner, even after they changed?

Was the attraction itself gone, or had it become buried under stress, pressure or unresolved hurt?

If your partner genuinely became healthier and calmer, what helped you actually see that version of them instead of the old one?

Looking back now, is there anything your partner did that genuinely helped rebuild attraction, or was that something only you could work through yourself?

I'm not looking for reassurance. I'd really value honest answers, even if they're difficult to hear.

My boyfriend (29M) and I (29F) have been together for around 2.5 years.

This isn't a relationship where we've stopped loving each other. That's what makes it so confusing.

We laugh together every day, support each other, genuinely enjoy each other's company and have a deep emotional bond. Yet over the last year he's initiated break-ups more than once because he says his attraction has become inconsistent and something doesn't feel right romantically.

Every time we get close to ending things, we somehow find our way back to each other.
Looking back honestly, I know I contributed to getting us here. During the first year of our relationship I drank too much, struggled with anger, didn't regulate my emotions well and didn't always respect his boundaries. He's told me he felt hurt and disrespected by that period, and I understand why.

Over the last year I've worked incredibly hard to change. I barely drink now, I'm calmer, communicate differently and genuinely feel like I've become a much healthier partner.

He also has his own struggles. He tends to withdraw rather than communicate when things become emotionally difficult and has hidden significant things from me because of shame, including taking Viagra for performance anxiety without telling me for much of our relationship.

Recently he said something that really stuck with me.
He said one of the reasons he's wanted to break up is because we keep repeating the same cycle: distance, anxiety, another relationship conversation, temporary closeness, and then back to the beginning.

Hearing that made me realise we'd become experts at talking about our relationship, but not very good at simply living it.

We've decided that instead of spending the last four months of our tenancy repeating the same cycle, we're going to try something different. Less analysing. Less trying to force certainty. More dating each other again and seeing whether positive experiences can replace some of the weight we've both been carrying.

But we still struggle to stick to it and loop so now considering break up!

My boyfriend (29M) and I (29F) have been together for around 2.5 years.

This isn't a relationship where we've stopped loving each other. That's what makes it so confusing.

We laugh together every day, support each other, genuinely enjoy each other's company and have a deep emotional bond. Yet over the last year he's initiated break-ups more than once because he says his attraction has become inconsistent and something doesn't feel right romantically.

Every time we get close to ending things, we somehow find our way back to each other.
Looking back honestly, I know I contributed to getting us here. During the first year of our relationship I drank too much, struggled with anger, didn't regulate my emotions well and didn't always respect his boundaries. He's told me he felt hurt and disrespected by that period, and I understand why.

Over the last year I've worked incredibly hard to change. I barely drink now, I'm calmer, communicate differently and genuinely feel like I've become a much healthier partner.

He also has his own struggles. He tends to withdraw rather than communicate when things become emotionally difficult and has hidden significant things from me because of shame, including taking Viagra for performance anxiety without telling me for much of our relationship.

Recently he said something that really stuck with me.
He said one of the reasons he's wanted to break up is because we keep repeating the same cycle: distance, anxiety, another relationship conversation, temporary closeness, and then back to the beginning.

Hearing that made me realise we'd become experts at talking about our relationship, but not very good at simply living it.

We've decided that instead of spending the last four months of our tenancy repeating the same cycle, we're going to try something different. Less analysing. Less trying to force certainty. More dating each other again and seeing whether positive experiences can replace some of the weight we've both been carrying.

But we still struggle to stick to it and loop so now considering break up!

I'm (29F) looking for perspectives from people who value emotional intelligence and have experienced long-term relationships.

My boyfriend (29M) and I have been together for around 2.5 years.

When I look back honestly, I wasn't a great partner during our first year. I drank too much, struggled to regulate my emotions, could become angry during conflict and didn't always respect his boundaries. He's told me he felt deeply disrespected during that time, and I completely understand why.

Over the last year I've worked hard to change. I barely drink now, I'm calmer, take accountability much more quickly, communicate differently and genuinely feel like a different person.

He also has his own patterns. He finds communication difficult, tends to withdraw rather than talk when things become emotionally intense, and has hidden significant things from me out of shame instead of sharing them. For example, he later admitted he'd been taking Viagra because of performance anxiety but hadn't felt able to tell me.

Despite all of this, we have a really loving relationship in many ways. We laugh constantly, support each other, genuinely enjoy each other's company and have a deep emotional bond.

The problem is that over the last year he's repeatedly questioned his attraction to me and has initiated break-ups more than once. Yet every time we get close to ending things, neither of us seems able to let go.

He says he loves me, but I sometimes wonder whether the resentment from how our relationship started has changed something fundamental in the way he sees me.

My question is:
Can genuine behavioural change eventually heal resentment and allow attraction to rebuild?

Or once someone has experienced enough hurt in a relationship, does that change the way they see their partner permanently, even if that partner has genuinely grown?

I'd especially love to hear from people who've been on either side of this—whether you were the person carrying resentment, or the person trying to rebuild trust after changing.

My boyfriend (29M) and I have been together for around 2.5 years.

Over the last year we've fallen into a painful cycle. Every few weeks he'll become emotionally distant, intimacy drops off, and we end up having another conversation about whether we should be together. More than once he's initiated a break-up because he says something doesn't feel right romantically or his attraction doesn't feel consistent.

The confusing part is that he never seems certain he actually wants to leave.

We still laugh together every day, genuinely enjoy each other's company, support each other through difficult times and love each other deeply. Every time we get close to ending things, neither of us seems able to let go.

I know I wasn't an easy partner during our first year. I struggled with my emotions, drank too much at times, could become angry during conflict and didn't always respect his boundaries. He's told me he felt hurt and disrespected by that period, and I completely understand why. I've spent the last year working hard to change those behaviours.

He's also struggled with communication and tends to keep difficult feelings to himself until they become overwhelming. He admitted much later that he'd hidden significant things from me because he felt ashamed, rather than talking to me when they were happening.

I'm trying to understand whether these repeated break-up conversations are simply his way of coping when the relationship feels emotionally overwhelming, or whether they're telling me something I need to accept.

For those of you who identify as avoidant:

Have you ever repeatedly initiated break-ups with someone you genuinely loved?
What was actually happening internally when you did that?
Were you trying to escape pressure, uncertainty or conflict, or had you already emotionally checked out?
Did you ever come back from that place, or was it ultimately the beginning of the end?
If your partner had changed in meaningful ways, did it alter how you saw the relationship, or had your feelings already become fixed?

I'm not looking for anyone to diagnose my boyfriend or tell me to leave. I know no one here can know what's going on in his head. I'm just hoping to hear from people who've experienced similar feelings themselves, because I'd like to understand that perspective better.

I'm hoping to hear from men who may have experienced something similar, because I'm trying to understand whether this relationship is worth fighting for or whether I'm holding onto something that's already over.

My boyfriend (29M) and I (29F) have been together for around 2.5 years and live together. We have four months left on our tenancy.

I know I wasn't an easy partner during the first year of our relationship. I was emotionally chaotic, anxious and reactive at times, and he's told me he felt disrespected by some of my behaviour. I completely understand why he feels that way, and over the last year I've worked hard to change. I'd like to think I'm a very different partner today.

Around a year into our relationship, he also admitted something he'd hidden from me. He'd been taking Viagra throughout most of our relationship because he'd been struggling with performance anxiety and felt too ashamed to tell me. It was painful to hear because I realised he'd been carrying that alone, but I also understood how vulnerable it must have been for him to finally tell me.

Over the last year, we've ended up in this exhausting cycle.

Every few weeks he becomes emotionally and physically distant. Intimacy drops off, I start feeling anxious, and we end up having another conversation about whether we should be together. He's initiated break-ups more than once because he says something feels missing romantically or his attraction doesn't feel consistent.

The confusing part is that we never actually seem able to let each other go.

We're still incredibly close. We laugh together every day, support each other through everything, genuinely enjoy each other's company and still love each other deeply. It doesn't feel like two people who have fallen out of love. It feels like two people who are stuck.

From what he's shared, I think he worries that how our relationship started changed something for him. I also wonder whether all the difficult conversations, anxiety, guilt and pressure have made the relationship feel emotionally heavy, and whether intimacy has become associated with stress instead of excitement.

From my side, the repeated uncertainty has really affected my confidence. I rarely feel pursued anymore and I often find myself initiating affection or intimacy because I'm scared of losing that connection altogether.

Where we are now is that we've decided we don't want to spend the final four months of our tenancy repeating the same cycle. Instead, we want to take the pressure off, stop constantly analysing the relationship, date each other again, have more fun together and see whether attraction can return naturally if we create a healthier dynamic.

So my question is mainly for men.

Have you ever genuinely loved someone but found your attraction fading because of resentment, pressure, performance anxiety or the emotional dynamic of the relationship?

If so, what was actually happening in your head?
Did attraction ever come back?
And if you were in my boyfriend's position, is there anything your partner could realistically do that would've helped, or is this something only you could have worked through yourself?

I'm not looking for people to tell me to leave. I'm genuinely trying to understand his perspective better before deciding whether this relationship has one final chance or whether we're trying to save something that's already gone.

My boyfriend (29M) and I (29F) have been together for around 2.5 years and live together. We have four months left on our tenancy.

I’m looking for honest advice because I feel like we’re in a really complicated grey area.

The core issue is that his attraction to me has become inconsistent over the last year. It seems to come and go in cycles. Every couple of weeks, something shifts: he becomes less physically affectionate, intimacy drops off, I start to feel anxious and unwanted, and then we end up having another big relationship conversation.

More than once, those conversations have led to him initiating a break-up or saying he doesn’t know if the romantic/physical side is there anymore.
The confusing part is that we never seem to fully land there.

There is still a very strong bond between us. We love each other deeply, we live well together, we laugh a lot, we support each other, and day to day he feels like my best friend. There is a tenderness and emotional connection between us that feels hard to dismiss as “just habit” or convenience.

That’s what makes this so painful. If the relationship was obviously bad, I think I’d know what to do. But it isn’t. It’s loving, safe and emotionally close in many ways — but the attraction issue keeps coming back.
From his side, I think the attraction has dwindled partly because the relationship became heavy.

We’ve had a lot of pressure, emotional conversations, anxiety, conflict and over-analysis. Living together has also made things feel domestic and intense rather than light, flirty or romantic. I think he sometimes sees the relationship through the lens of responsibility, guilt and pressure rather than desire.

From my side, the repeated uncertainty has really affected my confidence. I feel like I’m always waiting to see whether he wants me again. I’ve often felt like I’m the one initiating intimacy or trying to bring the romantic side back, which has made me feel less chosen over time.

Where we are now is that I don’t want to spend the last four months of our tenancy stuck in the same loop: distance, panic, big conversation, temporary closeness, repeat.

I’ve told him that if we’re still here, I want to give it one genuine try. Not by forcing intimacy or constantly asking if he’s attracted to me, but by taking pressure off, enjoying each other again, going on dates, rebuilding lightness, and seeing whether the romantic side can come back naturally.

I’m also aware that maybe repeated break-up conversations are the answer in themselves. Maybe love and bond aren’t enough if one person keeps questioning attraction.

I suppose my question is: has anyone been in a relationship where attraction faded because of pressure, emotional heaviness or too much relationship anxiety, but came back when the dynamic changed?

Or is the fact he keeps initiating break-ups a sign I need to accept, even if the bond still feels very real?
I don’t want to beg someone to choose me. But I also don’t want to throw away something meaningful if we’ve been stuck in a bad cycle rather than facing a true lack of love.

My boyfriend (29M) and I (29F) have been together for around 2.5 years and live together. We have four months left on our tenancy.

I’m looking for honest advice because I feel like we’re in a really complicated grey area.

The core issue is that his attraction to me has become inconsistent over the last year. It seems to come and go in cycles. Every couple of weeks, something shifts: he becomes less physically affectionate, intimacy drops off, I start to feel anxious and unwanted, and then we end up having another big relationship conversation.

More than once, those conversations have led to him initiating a break-up or saying he doesn’t know if the romantic/physical side is there anymore.

The confusing part is that we never seem to fully land there.

There is still a very strong bond between us. We love each other deeply, we live well together, we laugh a lot, we support each other, and day to day he feels like my best friend. There is a tenderness and emotional connection between us that feels hard to dismiss as “just habit” or convenience.

That’s what makes this so painful. If the relationship was obviously bad, I think I’d know what to do. But it isn’t. It’s loving, safe and emotionally close in many ways — but the attraction issue keeps coming back.
From his side, I think the attraction has dwindled partly because the relationship became heavy.

We’ve had a lot of pressure, emotional conversations, anxiety, conflict and over-analysis. Living together has also made things feel domestic and intense rather than light, flirty or romantic. I think he sometimes sees the relationship through the lens of responsibility, guilt and pressure rather than desire.

From my side, the repeated uncertainty has really affected my confidence. I feel like I’m always waiting to see whether he wants me again. I’ve often felt like I’m the one initiating intimacy or trying to bring the romantic side back, which has made me feel less chosen over time.

Where we are now is that I don’t want to spend the last four months of our tenancy stuck in the same loop: distance, panic, big conversation, temporary closeness, repeat.

I’ve told him that if we’re still here, I want to give it one genuine try. Not by forcing intimacy or constantly asking if he’s attracted to me, but by taking pressure off, enjoying each other again, going on dates, rebuilding lightness, and seeing whether the romantic side can come back naturally.

I’m also aware that maybe repeated break-up conversations are the answer in themselves. Maybe love and bond aren’t enough if one person keeps questioning attraction.

I suppose my question is: has anyone been in a relationship where attraction faded because of pressure, emotional heaviness or too much relationship anxiety, but came back when the dynamic changed?

Or is the fact he keeps initiating break-ups a sign I need to accept, even if the bond still feels very real?
I don’t want to beg someone to choose me. But I also don’t want to throw away something meaningful if we’ve been stuck in a bad cycle rather than facing a true lack of love.