u/AshlynCT

I've been going through some really rough shit, I'm kinda suicidal and I have severe depression and porn addiction and some pretty bad trauma. Recently I got high on weed for the first time and I actually felt good and it really got my mind off stuff and I want to be able to have more in the future but I'm 15 and my dad is super strict and I don't want to get hooked on it, but at the same time it could really help me until I'm able to not have to rely on things other than myself to be satisfied in life. I don't know. Especially with school approaching It's gonna be hard to get good grades without relapsing into self harm and being able to get high would save me from that but at the same time the side effects are pretty scary. Idk

I'm 15. My dysphoria is so bad and so is my depression. Nothing works and I can't get HRT. I can beg and cry to my dad all I want and he won't let me. I don't want to kill myself but it's starting to look easier than staying alive. I just can't bear all of this and when school comes back around it's all gonna get worse. I've been in the psych ward 3 times since December too, and it never helped. It just makes everything worse. I just want to be able to be comfortable in my body and be like other girls but I just can't and now I'm at rock bottom just because of one stupid fucking medication.

I'm 15. I'm trans and struggling with severe gender dysphoria, body dysmorphia, I have regular self harm thoughts when I get stressed, I have a severe porn addiction, I'm very severely depressed, I have hypersexuality and other issues caused by childhood sexual trauma, I struggle to brush my teeth and wash myself and eat healthy, and I haven't left my house in months other than to go to the store or to go to appointments. None of the antidepressants I've tried are working, not even playing video games or listening to music is enough to keep me busy, and I'm slowly falling towards the edge. I feel like I'm watching myself die, I can't get access to hormone replacement therapy even though it's the only thing that can really help me. It's the only thing that will make my life bearable enough to start fixing, yet it's so far out of my reach. I get told by my doctor and dad and grandma that I just need to keep trying and that I can't get better if I don't try but I've been trying. Every day is a struggle to even do basic tasks. I even struggle to wake up. It feels like therapy doesn't even help me anymore, talking doesn't help and they can't do anything about my dysphoria. Nobody can. Its too much.

My cousin made me buy this a week ago, haven't played much until today. I just did the cleanse the orphans one on introductory (don't shame me, I'm a noob) and I ended it literally shaking with adrenaline and it was so fun and so terrifying at the same time. I'm gonna read into the lore and try to collect all the notes and stuff, then maybe I'll play the other outlast games

I haven't been able to connect to Xbox servers nearly all day, YouTube and Edge work perfectly fine but I cannot connect to games or the store without an error or warning.

I'm 15. I just tried explaining to my dad why I need to start HRT. I told him about the studies I've researched that have made me 100% sure that it will help me but he just won't listen. He says I'm paranoid and I'm online too much watching YouTube or whatever but I actually do research on this. I tried to tell him about how it's not just a want, it's a need and I tried to describe to him how gender dysphoria feels but he just won't listen... He said that if I "put in the effort" (which basically means don't be depressed anymore) then he might consider it but I'm literally not in a functional state. I've been in and out of the fucking psych ward for the past year and I almost made an attempt. I've missed so much school the police had to get involved. I can't even get myself to leave my room anymore. And he expects me to want to go on a family road trip across the country and go to school and get a job and do chores but I fucking can't and he won't listen. He won't fucking listen and I'm scared for my own life now because nothing helps anymore. I can dress up and do my makeup all I want but it still feels wrong. I've literally forgotten what it feels like to be happy and he expects all of this from me. I can't even see myself making it to 18 if this is all that's gonna happen. Nobody who cares can help and nobody who can help cares. Not even my own father. I'm literally fucking dying on the inside and all I can do is "just try harder." I can't do this anymore. I'm literally fighting myself not to relapse into self harm but the odds are not in my favor (as if they ever were.) My PCP has ordered genetic testing for meds that might work but I'm not too sure it's gonna help. From her own words, "there's only so much antidepressants can't to" except she expects me to do something about it myself, but I literally can't. I've tried and tried and tried and I just can fucking do it. All I can do is sit in my room and sleep day and night and doomscroll and obviously that doesn't help because I get recommended trans people's videos and seeing the hate comments just makes it worse but I can't just delete my socials because how will I distract myself? How will I stop myself from cutting? How will I suppress my suicidal thoughts? And even if I try to do anything productive I start dissociating and all these negative thoughts come rushing into my head and I can't do anything about it. I can't stop seeing images of my wrist bleeding or me jumping off a bridge and it's all because of one fucking medication my dad won't let me have. This is so fucking stupid

I like to play video games, specifically Forza. The issue is most of the people I've met that play it are very transphobic. I often get misgendered and when I try to correct them I get made fun of and at this point why even bother. I'm severely depressed and unable to leave my room most days so this is the only social interaction I get with other people and it's always negative idk what to do

I'm so hungry my stomach hurts and I feel sick but if I try to eat it makes me wanna throw up and I cant drink anything but water please help

I was like "Hey there's been a lot of hype in the trans community about femtanyl why don't I see what it's about" and I now see the world differently

I'm definitely not very experienced but I jumped straight into arch (and yes I used archinstall, i know, i know) but it's very fun to mess with stuff. I'm using Hyprland, and I actually enjoy troubleshooting every time I update and something inevitably goes wrong. It cures my ADHD for sure! When I get an SSD for my older laptop I will definitely make an attempt at manually installing everything, but I've got my system so customized that I don't wanna reset all my progress at the moment.

I was walking outside today, and I suddenly realized how hard it is to be trans for some people, especially compared to me. You are a beautiful person, and don't let others define you because you can only define yourself. Don't give up now, because you will reach your goals eventually, if you havent yet. These things take time and that's okay. I always like to see it as, steak cooked on high heat in a short time is burned on the outside and raw on the inside. A slow cooked steak however is cooked all the way through, and none of it is burnt.

You deserve to be happy, and you deserve to live a happy life. I know being trans is torturous and traumatizing, but remember that it ultimately makes you a better person, more empathetic and understanding than people who haven't struggled this way. And remember, as well, that because you've gotten so low in life, the happy moments seem way much happier than before.

Love you all! 💙🩷🤍🩷💙 and have a great weekend!

Unless my antidepressants suddenly start working out of nowhere I think I'm probably gonna relapse because I'm too depressed to function and my dad punishes me for it by taking away my distractions and nothing I've tried gets the emotions out besides cutting myself and i just don't know what to do. It's really hard to stay clean

The new counter-terrorism strategy the United States has proposed, basically says that if you're trans, or an ally, you are part of a terrorist group and they will track you down. I'm currently taking all my socials down and using VPNs because honestly, I don't want to be targetted. It might just be my anxiety but this is scary. Really scary. Please tell me I'm not paranoid