u/Background-Roll6386

Bday 9/22/82

Name is beloved, the dreamer, the rock

Lived in a house at 9 hillside where I was a prisoner of my family but purged soooo much. It was horrible but then I was awakened

But then attacked repeatedly for months til my brain melted and heart shattered.

Moved to the mountains (from hillside to a literal mountain) at 133 wonder way.

But I feel dead inside. Been here 5 months and no change. It's like I lost everything. All the love and wisdom and clarity and everything.

Awakened 11/11/24 on veterans day at 42 yo. Now almost 44 and frozen. Lost the blueprint home. I healed from Eves apple and Adam rose from the grave and now my wings were ripped off and my huge golden heart is a black hole.

I am flooded with signs of my dad that died His birth year is everywhere among many other signs. Not sure if he is supporting or haunting me.

There's a darkness here. Ancient dark feminine witchy energy

I'm absolutely isolated.

I have always followed love. Always. I didn't shy away from extreme opposition. I endured severe repeated trauma. I sacrificed my career to spend time with my handicapped bro that was being neglected. I was always kind and playfully creative, wanting to inspire people and uplift spirits and shine light on them, show them the divine I see within them. It was a joy even though my own spirit was struggling over time.

Then I was saved. Like indescribable healing and clarity and light pouring in and life filling me up. Heart of flesh and anointed with a divine calling. I didn't know if I was the first to wake up and support others as they wake up or if they were waiting on me. Either way didn't matter at all. I was just so relieved and excited to truly wake up to God and reality and perfect love.

But I was NOT prepared that my family would HATE me. They coordinated attacked repeatedly for months until my heart shattered, brain melted, hopes and dreams dissolved, knowledge and understanding vanished, so much wisdom just gone. A lifetime of lessons and service rendered meaningless.

I moved to the mountains to like heal or hide under a juniper tree or something and have been flooded with so many signs and stuff. It's overwhelming. I don't experience time. At first it was like filled with love and wisdom and it was like, oh, this is eternal salvation. But the light turned to darkness and now it's eternal torment. Lake of fire. I have such unbelievable scrupulousity and rumination all day every day over this. I feel exiled, cast into outer darkness. Second death. First one was when 10 people in my family died and part of me slowly died. Then reborn into a wood chipper and one breath from God just to have it all taken in an instant.

Now I feel like a zombie. Like am I judas because I tried to explain the healing happening to my family as I processed trauma. Or am I Peter because I fell asleep soon as I saw Jesus on the shore. Am I Elijah hiding in the woods. Am I John the Baptist with my head cut off eating wild honey and locusts. I was John the apostle, I was made an eagle. Zero doubt. Also my name like perfectly explains my life story. Born with grace, then imprisoned by family but had beautiful dreams, then fell asleep soon as I saw Jesus.

I'm isolated in the woods. I'm in a loop I can't get out of. I went to the ER to see if maybe I had a stroke or something and just wanted to rule out a physical issue by getting a CT scan or something. And they held me for 12 hours while I was so calm. The guy next to me begged for water for hours. The nurses and security guards laughed at him while he screamed out to Jesus. They said they are already in hell. Then I was taken 6 hours away to a for profit mental hospital that was horrifying. The nurses there seemed to like enjoy seeing people struggling. Again I was calm and kind. Let out 24 hours later.

I'm so confused how salvation could have completely inverted. Jesus' plan is perfect so I'm not denying I deserve where I am. I saw how evil my sister jezebel is and tried to love her but she's a black hole and like sucked 42 years of love out of me. I finally got my harvest and it was soooo much love. And now it's just gone like it never existed.

I need help. I need to go somewhere for a few weeks or months with true born again believers that can help walk me back to the light. I don't know when I'm damning myself, when it's Satan, when it's Jesus making sure I pay for all my sins. Idk. I have like spiritual psychosis. I went from healing beyond description and peace that surpasseth understanding and so much wisdom to being a ghost, hollow, confused beyond description.

I fear I'm a fallen angel. Or have an evil spirit attached to me. My 26 bday I visited my dad when he broke his back and this black smoke left him and entered me and for 16nyears I loved others sooo deeply but lost love of my self. Then balance restored and now it all flipped. Now I lost empathy (I still am empathetic but it's not the same) I lost memories and any connections. Music and art don't reach me anymore. I trust no one. I'm scared of Jesus now. I already was then he showed me he was with me the whole time. And now I'm like did I rebel by trying to love my sister? One mistake and I lost the inheritance immediately. Why couldn't I have awakened with a support system or friends or anyone other than my family that buried me every chance they get.

Are there like Christian mental health and spiritual centers with someone that can help me see clearly and walk me out of this story of eternal damnation I am stuck in. That can help me untangle scripture and misunderstanding and find ground again. I'm in the abyss. Oblivion. And I spend all day trying to understand why. If I deserve it. What I can do to repent. I can barely read. Only the damning parts of the Bible feel like God speaking to me. The other parts are speaking to the me before awakening. Idk. I lost everything I never knew to ask for and it's so hard to have faith when I fear I lost paradise and now I know too much but can't apply it in any way that seems right. I'm in a feedback loop by myself. Scared of everyone. I'm trying to go to therapy and stuff but I'm so blind now.

Was I prideful trying to love her. Idk. Probably. I know after being attacked repeatedly I got scared and said a few things I regret. I apologized sincerely and profusely. Just that my sister is a succubus and my step dad doesn't love my family.

Now I'm alone and feel like am I a Pharisee, a false prophet, an antichrist. I wanted NOTHING from this earth, only to be love and spread love and I was so patient and endured a lot. Like a lot a lot. And in a moment it all came together and was beyond worth it. And it's all gone. It's better I had never been born.

I'm hoping someone may understand and be able to guide me to real help. Not just some psych ward pushing pills and coloring books. Like deep scriptural wisdom and someone who can guide me to heal mind body soul. To help me accept I'm no longer the creative loving intuitive person. That I'm ash and need to rebuild from nothing. At 43. My God I made it thru the gate. What is wrong with me. I was drunk on grace and wanted to show others the gate is open and they pulled me back thru the needle. All the live and wisdom I brought thru is on the other side and now I'm stuck in the trauma and confusion I left behind.

Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me

I think something important to realize is sometimes YOU are the least of these too.

I know I God lost in service and lost myself in the process. Which was ok until I awakened and it was so overwhelming to accept myself as much as I accept my handicapped brother. I was the missing piece. Not superior. Not special. Equally special.

If your cup feels empty or like you're leaking energy, maybe you're the one that needs that love and compassion. Patch the cup and give from overflow. Not percieved obligation

So. I had a PROFOUND awakening 11/11/24. Flooded with light and wisdom and healing from severe trauma beyond description. Heart of flesh and rainbow body and anointed and like unreal. But I was reborn into a wood chipper. My family attacked me repeatedly til my heart shattered and brain melted and all love and wisdom and everything was ripped out of me and it would be better I was never born.

Paradise lost. Destiny revealed then burned away. I moved away from family and am living in the mountains alone with my dog. Since I got here there are so many signs. Especially of my dad. When he was dying this black smoke left him and entered me. It was my 26 bday. What a gift. 16 year dark night. I tried to love everyone else unconditionally with so much forgiveness and compassion. But was losing self love. Then it was cleared. Like karma dissolved. Freed into heavens and given eagles wings and like beyond description incredible. But my wings were ripped off and I was plunged into deeper darkness. So the signs of my dad everywhere are so confusing. Like is he helping me or am I being haunted. This cardinal visits me everyday and sits on the passenger side mirror of my car for hours. Not fighting it's reflection just chills there. Brings gifts sometimes. My new property is at 133 wonder way in a town called pilot and it's like I have to climb the entire spine from 1 to 33 to get home again. I just left a property at 9 hillside where it was absolutely the end of some cycle of martyrdom or something. Now I'm on a literal mountain side. My light went out so like pilot light? Idk. And I have signs from like past me that I was gonna end up here. And it's like overload. I don't have discernment or self trust or anything to read the language. Like I kinda don't but I don't know if I interpret them right because my heart's broken and brain is melted. I'm frozen. I just sit here everyday wondering what to do. No idea. And all this spiritual wisdom has like fractured and now is torture. I lost more than I ever knew to wish for. And have been made into ash and I'm in my 40s and so isolated and I feel like am I a life path 33 because I'm like a fallen angel, one of the 1/3 of God's angels that rebelled? Is being attacked repeatedly by family rebellion?! Fml. I can't imagine climbing out of the valley and the entire mountain all over again. Fuck. And I sat under a tree the other day and a snake came out from a hole in the tree. A black rat snake. And it's like am I a snake in the grass. Am I evil? I tried to love so much my entire life. Am I Lucifer and was awakened and tried to help others was that pride. Damn it. What have I done.

What if Jesus saved you, gave you an enormous heart of flesh but was immediately attacked ruthlessly until it shattered into 1000 pieces. I feel like I lost my soul. My wings were ripped off. I feel like this is the second death. I don't experience time. My brain melted. It's like inverted salvation now. I don't know what to do or where to start. I used to love soooo deeply and protected my heart thru severe repeated trauma and so much judgement. I endured to the end. And it's like my family was waiting til I was ripe to gut me head to toe. I feel like a ghost.

Is there any guidance. I don't know where in the Bible to ene. I don't know where in the Bible to even begin to see where I am. Only damnation. It would be better to have never been born.

Well, I did this spread yesterday. I'm struggling a whole lot. Had an awakening that was so beautiful but attacked and lost everything. Heart shattered brain melted and now I'm alone in the mountains. Not sure how I got here exactly. Did a spread to ask my spirit guide who they are, what is my lesson, what is blocking me, what is the direction. And I got

Spirit guide Death

Lesson Hermit

Block ii of pentacles reversed

Direction magician reversed

It is scary. I know my world view is backwards and I can't reverse it. I feel paralyzed and unsure of any decisions. I don't know if I have to go back and face my family that attacked me during my awakening or if I have to stay here and build a sanctuary or something else entirely. I'm so lost.

I had a lot of trauma at 26 that threw me off balance. Lot of deaths. A ton of responsibility. Lost myself trying to help others. Then profound awakening 11/11/24 where I remembered to love me and I forgave everyone and everything and was filled with love and light. My family attacked me repeatedly and my brain melted and heart shattered. I loved them sooooooo deeply. And they gutted me crown to root in my most open loving pure state.now I don't experience time and ruminate on this all day every day. I moved to the mountains to be in nature but it's like it's behind glass. I used to love nature so much. And now it's just meh. I'm so disoriented and dissociated. I only speak in metaphor and archetypes now. It's how I see the world. I lost all creativity and dreams and joy and empathy and everything. Everything is gone. My talents my love my trust everything. I see a therapist it's not helpful. It's like no one that hasn't been thru this could ever be able to help or understand. I don't care about things that used to be so important. I cared so much. My heart was enormous. And it's just gone now. Gone. I'm very isolated but try to meet people but I'm like a ghost. I don't know how to meet people when I feel like a fraud of myself. My mind was cleared of the noise, I got the pearl of great price and it was trampled. I'm so confused and lost and feel I'm being erased. I went to a veteran and a ashram retreat but they didn't help. I'm genuinely scared God is erasing me completely. Like I died into God and was filled with so much life. And it just disappeared nim worse than I was before my awakening. Like then my root was rotting but my heart to crown were good. Now it's like all my chakras blew out or turned to dust. I have no friends or family I can talk to. I just go on reddit looking for answers or watch spirituality stuff on YouTube and that's basically it. Seriously. My life is nothing. I don't enjoy anything anymore. I am so scared I had divine union and let the dance get broken up by trusting my family with my awakening. I'm scared I'm incapable of being that loving and creative again. I feel like I need to be in like a group of people with open hearts to help me see what is going on with me and how to rebuild from ash. I loved the awakened me. I even lived the me before awakening. This... I'm a ghost. My soul is gone and spirit is crushed and I don't know how to get back. I was HOME. like THE HOME.

Why was I saved and brought completely to life and filled with such profound perfect love and a big dipper of moles appeared on my chest over my heart and my heart expanded to the size of the world. Then attacked until it was shattered and brain melted and now I'm a walking corpse. Was I marked. Am I a thief of love or something. I genuinely tried so hard to love. I endured so much. I dug too deep. And my star family didn't protect me. Or I was too transparent and open when drunk on infinite grace. I couldn't have known. It was so much love all at once. I knew I was meant to share it. Apparently not with my family. Apparently they were waiting til. I was ripe and open to destroy me.

If anyone would be willing to hear my story and help me understand what happened and why I was attacked so aggressively by everyone I knew after being saved I'd greatly appreciate it. God showed me his plans and it was unbelievably huge and I thought my family were lost sheep and I tried to share the good news and they had me committed repeatedly and had such hatred for my pure love and it was so confusing because I was just eminating love. I died into God literally to help them especially my blind brother. It is so deep and there is so much to this and I see how I wasn't meant to share it, or to be more guarded but I was drunk on like a double portion of grace I believe was mean for me and my brother and I lost EVERYTHING and my brain melted and heart shattered and the holy Spirit left me and the anointing went away and the light turned to darkness and I ruined everything and just can't believe all the good I'll never do. The sun rose and burst into a multitude of stars and I moved away because I was trembling and gnashing teeth and horrified of my family and I don't want to blame anyone but am struggling to see clearly what happened, what my mistakes were after 42 years of loving so deeply and now I feel like a ghost. A monster. The enemy of everything I ever loved. I'm isolated and confused and need help understanding if I even can get back on the path and if my brother is safe or if I ruined his salvation too. I don't experience time and it's all I think about every second of every day for a year and a half and I fear this is just my life. That my purpose is only to be a cautionary tale and life is only going to get worse. I endured to the end. Til I died into God and he was well pleased. But lost it all and now it's like was I lawless?! I kept my heart protected my entire life and it was so enormous and I know it was divine timing, veterans day, 11/11/24 and it was just so perfect and in q moment all the horror for 16 years of trauma was all worth it. And now it's just isn't. It was all meaningless and I'm traumatized by salvation. It is just so extreme and I fear I'm a fallen angel, and unrepentant thief, that I betrayed everything I ever cared about. There are so. Many signs and nothing makes sense and I don't know good from bad now and all the biblical stuff about being enlightened and losing it and having been better to have never been born and it's all just happened so fast and so brutal and his plan is perfect so this must be part of it and I don't want to take shortcuts or to mislead or anything at all so I sit alone and am paralyzed and scared to talk to anyone because I lost my gifts and all the wisdom and clarity. Is this it now. 43 and I'm just alone forever. Was I wrong to want to be saved and help my family. I didn't know they were all swine. I mean I knew they were lost but I didn't know know how much they hated me and how blood thirsty and aggressively and coordinated they'd be. Like they were waiting til I was ripe. I ruined everything. I just want to serve him and I don't know what that even means from here. A phone call or zoom would be preferable but DM would be good too. This is horrifying and I think I'm evil now. Not like intentionally but I saw so much and I can't even get back to where I was let alone know how to get back to being transfigured. I was flooded with soooo much light. Incomprehensible. And it turned to darkness. Incomprehensible.

Hi. I'm 43. Born 9/22/82 12:18pm Lansdale PA. 9/22/09 was deeply traumatized with 16 year dark night of the soul where I was losing myself but deeply loved others. PROFOUND awakening 11/11/24 where I was like MIRACULOUSLY and COMPLETELY healed after lots of journaling and looking at astrology and reflecting on my life and family and ancestry and love and stuff. My family attacked me repeatedly and it like melted my brain and shattered my brand new heart of flesh. Pearl of great price trampled. Brutal. I went from being healed, forgiven, freed to endless possibilities to being shattered and plunged back into the dark with shattered wisdom and shredded. My most open honest living moment, a rebirth was met with hatred and family repeatedly calling the cops on me and having me sent to a mental hospital because I text them how much I love them. Very confusing. My brain literally melted. From cosmic clarity and total indescribable understanding to fractured wisdom and heart broken. My family was relentless to keep me controlled and small and it's so confusing cause I'm wildly creative and loving and I stayed small because of trauma and dedication to whatever path I was put on and to love them and see them without being in some ivory tower. I was stuck in my head for 16 years, then when I finally came back to my body they turned my salvation into new trauma. For a year I was getting signs of hell everywhere. I was radiating positivity and they hated me. All I wanted to do was share unconditional pure love. So confused. And they like gutted me. I had an ego death and was reborn with such wisdom and clarity. And they butchered me. Now I'm now who I was. I'm not who I was reborn as. I feel like a ghost. More dissociated than I was for 16 years. I moved 7 hours away to the mountains to be in nature and hope to heal but I'm scared I ran away instead of towards something. Idk. I don't experience time anymore. My hopes and dreams like burst like a bubble. 42 years of love and dedication and deep soul searching and focus on love and facing ancestral and familial and personal and generational patterns and years of struggle and sacrifice and pain and endurance and submitting to the process and it was beautiful and horrible and painful and in a few months it was just like this divine healing that was so unbelievable and I shared my journey with my family and it's like they were waiting for the rebirth and coordinated an attack exactly at my most open and raw. I endured my family because I have a handicapped brother and love him so much and he was being neglected. And now I moved away and feel like I abandoned him but I was dying inside there. I'm dissociated and this move has been so sudden and without clarity and I'm just not sure why I would be freed by God and then slammed back into darkness. Like what is happening. Was the fall destiny or am I a victim or am I just stupid for sharing what was sacred or what happened and how do I ever find center and get time moving forward and know I'm oriented towards wholeness. Anything in my chart that explains what's happening? 11/11 it was like a KNOWING of who I AM, all karma was cleared, and God breathed life into me. And it's like the second I got to fly I was shot down with 1000 darts. Did I deserve it? How do I heal from trauma of betrayal and failed salvation? Anything in my future where the fog clears again? I mean I knew why I was born into my family and the lessons and everything but it all collapsed. Do I have to learn these lessons again or something? This is so extreme and brutal and I just want to love and help others. I saw how chiron worked in me with my bro, ophicius came. The planets aligned. And I feel like I missed an opportunity of lifetimes. Idk. I just want god and alignment and truth and healing and I got it and lost it all and it's beyond devestating. Not sure if you can see anything in my chart that explains it or might be able to notice areas of life that I need to work on or let go of or purpose or whatever. Idk. Thanks if you take the time. It's rough and I can use whatever help is available.

Hi. So 11/11/24 I had a PROFOUND awakening after a 16 year dark night caused by 10 people dying my first year home after the Marine corps. I endured. I witnessed. I planted seeds and loved so deeply. Deep enough to see the remaining family clearly and spending time with my blind autistic bro, we were both healing. But when I awakened, filled with love and compassion and light and wisdom and clarity and such relief, I was home, I wasn't alone, I was never alone even though it seemed that way.

But my family rejected my love. They sent me to the mental hospital repeatedly because I was singing Christmas carols and texting them about how lived they are. Called the cops on me because I was baking a cake? Just relentless coordinated attacks on me. But I was reborn, I was eminating positivity and love. I was safe. Right? No. I was alone in a Orion takeover. My new stepdad moved my family to his house while I was away and he changed them. Flipped their morals and I spent 16 years trying to remind my family who we are and how we love. But I was losing ground slowly. I didn't know what was happening exactly but one day I remembered I love me for trying even if noone appreciated it or could see me as anything other than an object to be used.

I saw myself clearly finally, who I AM. That I'm the guy willing to go into the dark to find the leaks. The one who would rather live for others than build an empire on earth based on lies and control. But my red and orange and yellow were being drained and I couldn't see it clearly til 11/11. And I was miraculously healed over a few months of journaling and meditating and brutal honesty and calm sincere looking. I was the full rainbow and caught the leprechaun and got the pot of gold and was just so relieved. The divine washed my heart with grace and I fell to my hands and knees sobbing I can't believe I get to help my family. But they didn't want help. They wanted control and to keep me small and they aggressively attacked me and it shattered me inside. My brain melted and heart shattered and root shredded.

I stayed for a year trying to focus on love and forgiveness but I was just dying. I lost the light and resources to sincerely forgive. I was too weak to do it again. So I moved from nj suburbs that I hated to the mountains of VA to be with nature. But now I'm here alone and broken and don't know what to do, where to go, how to spend my time, I don't experience time.

When I awakened I suddenly noticed a series of moles in the shape of a big dipper over my heart. And it made total sense. I was a bear in hibernation for 16nyears collecting light in the darkness. I had SOOOO much love and compassion and empathy. Like other worldly. But it's just Gone. 42 years of dedication and focus on love and devotion to others. And it's just gone and the ladle is broken.

It's been a year and a half since my awakening and attacks. I've lived in the mountains for 2 months. Nothing has changed or healed. I just ruminate and try to understand what I did wrong. I'm so scared of 16 more years of a dark night. Or 42 years of service before I get to go home again. I try to look at everything that happened but I can't tell what I did wrong other than being naive and excited and wanting to inspire and guide my family back to true love. I didn't expect them to hate me so much. And now it's like I try so hard to be honest with myself and I can't find an anchor so I keep floating back and forth. Was I good and overrun by Orion's, just an unfair fight. Are they Orion or just lost travelers. Did I waste my life and ruin my salvation? Did I rebell. Am I Orion and didn't know it my entire life. Am I selfish?

All the wisdom and clarity and love and light that lifted me back up home fractured and I fell beneath it and it's like a kalidescope above me now. I'm so scared to do anything wrong that I'm frozen. Paralyzed from any action. I get all these signs that would have been clear and guidance but it's like I forget the language. I see it, I can't unsee it, but I can't translate it clearly. Like my new cabin is at 133. I keep seeing 133 and 33 and 144 and my dad's birth year everywhere and I can't tell if it's to comfort me or if it's a trap.

I got the pearl of great price, I got the golden apple, heart of flesh, corpus colosaum bridge to heaven, like all the biblical and story book and everything. All the magic. And it's just gone. This is excruciating. And I'm so alone now. Scared of everyone cause my family gutted me when I was most vulnerable and open. I thought they were lost sheep but they were swine that trampled my pearl.

I'm dissociated and confused and scared and numb and lost all meaning and identity and I feel like a ghost. The fall was so devestating. For 16 years I battled and entire family that wanted control and to hide in normalcy and I just wanted to love sincerely and I didn't realize my blind spot was the root I had with my family. I loved them so much. And they poisoned it and it rotted away. Once I saw the emeshment clearly it was such a breath of fresh air. God breathed life into my nostrils.

I'm scared I'm an enemy of everything I ever held sacred. That I failed and the rest of my life is just witnessing the consequences of my errors. I feel like I need a care bear stare or something. Like I don't want to be around anyone cause I feel toxic but to do this all over again alone. Idk that it's possible. I'm tired of being alone. I don't want anything other than harmony and to share life with others. Why have I been forced into such solitude and to be surrounded by so many people that just want control and to make me feel small and powerless and alone.

On 11/11/24 I had a profound awakening, met God, brought thru the cosmos, healed in ways I didn't know was possible, filled with such perfect pure love and compassion. I was free, I was HOME. I have always worshipped love and compassion but this was a different level, effortless and obvious. I can't even explain the overflowing love. It couldn't be contained and I tried to share it with my family and they attacked me repeatedly and sent me to a mental hospital over and over and it broke me inside at my core. Like literally my core turned to dust. I used to identify with love. It was what I lived for. Now I can't listen to any music I ever lived or read or watch anything. All my relationships dissolved.

I have a blind autistic brother that was being neglected and I was spending a lot of time with him and it was so beautiful and healing for both of us. It was divine. I received so much grace. And so did he.

But now I'm so broken. Time doesn't exist. I feel nothing for my family at all. I'm alone completely. My brain melted and heart shattered and my roots were cut off and I feel like a ghost just waiting for this body to die. Like I ruined my life purpose. I don't even feel anything for my brother and it kills me. I love loving him. But I can't fake it. As sincere as I was for the depth of my love for him, there's just nothing now. I used to be so creative and positive and I could see people's pain and empathize and help them because I could look at what they couldn't and I made them feel seen and safe. And now I have no one to do that for me. I sold my house and moved 7 hours away into the mountains to be with nature which I've always wanted but it's like I was supposed to be here healed but instead I'm here like watching a movie or something. I feel nothing. I'm so scared.

Is there somewhere I can go with people that have been thru something similar and can guide me out of darkness? I'm not evil or wish to harm anyone or myself. I'm just dead inside. What have I done. I was miserable seeing so many people not being loving and being too caught up in material stuff and prioritizing meaninglessness over eternal truths. And I suddenly awakened realizing I am the one to live those truths as an example. And they HATED me for it. And it was like a coordinated attack. And they gutted me. Head to toe. I saw the sun for like a week while being attacked and they took my crown, poked out my 3rd eye, stole my voice, shattered my heart, exploded my solar plexus into stars, and shredded my root.

I have been too good and kind and loving to end up like this. I stayed in a area I didn't align with for 16 years to protect my brother and to try to help keep my family afloat after my dad and 9 other people died. And it slowly rotted my root. Then one day I remembered I love me and it's like my root regreew and energy flowed unimpeded. But then like it was ALL taken. All my memories and my purpose and joy and connection. Just all gone. It feels so final.

I'm living alone in the woods and it's so confusing. I was hoping to heal here but it's been months and I'm just scared. I want to be part of a community. I need help being healed and to return to truth. All the wisdom and understanding I had fractured into 1000 pieces. I was betrayed by the very people I loved so deeply that I awakened. I'm 43 and single and I just don't want to die never having truly lived. I was a martyr, taking on others sins and transmuting them. Trying to lead by example. But I was alone in a war zone.

I need a medic of the soul. Someone with light to help relight my pilot light. It has been a year and a half since my awakening and I'm out of the deepest darkness but it's still so dark and lonely. I was born again and my family cut my head off instead of embracing a more mature and loving being that was being delivered. I fear I lost everything I worked for, all the meaning of my life, everything. Just gone. I need real help. Therapist that haven't been reborn can't possibly get it. Anyone that hasn't been truly awakened can't help me.

Is there a place where I can go for like a month to restabilize and reorient. God please help me. All the good I could have done. It feels so final. Like I'm lost in the abyss forever.

I have a big dipper in moles on my chest over my heart. Like a care bear. Tell me, what does this mean. Where is my home. What's the history or whatever of Ursa Major. I was filled with INDESCRIBABLE perfect pure beyond pure love and compassion. But got attacked repeatedly and lost it and it's devestating. Any thoughts. Back to the cave to hibernate I guess.