My pastor said we need to break things off for a time. I am obviously really sad and grieving but know I am going to be okay. It sucks but I know it needed to be done
So we went to my pastor and he said things needed to end for a time so my ex fiance could feel the weight of his pornography son. I am definitely gonna grieve and cried and will continue to cry. It’s hard but I know this is the right thing.
Hello everyone, my fiance and I got engaged 2.5 months ago. One issue we are having is his struggle with pornography. He was exposed to it at the age of 6, so he has struggled with it for 20 years. Our pastor wants him to be clean of pornography for 6 months before we get married. He seemed willing to try that deadline but he is struggling with porn still. I suggested blockers but he always says he finds a way to work around them. I brought up Cogenant Eyes and he seems to think it would take up time but then he recently got a software system installed on his phone and he has an accountability partner. I have also suggested getting a Gabb phone, going to Celebrate Recovery, getting Christian counseling etc. with the counseling, he says he doesn’t likely have the time cause he is really busy with his career right now and that he has tried talking to experts at his old church (ICOC) and took a 6-8 program about lust and pornography. He also said he could do the Gabb phone but addicts always find ways around things. He seems to think he will definitely not be able to not do porn for 6 months and I am encouraging him not to give up. He even said he probably won’t be able to be free from the addiction in a year and that he wanted to quit 4 or 5 years ago but hasn’t been able to. I struggle with anxiety and he asked me if someone had to put a time frame for me to completely give up anxiety could I do it? Which ideally I would like to but feelings can be harder to escape from and pornography is a choice. I guess part of me is frustrated my pastor wants him to be clean for several months cause I am still willing to marry him even if he still has a struggle. Is it too high of an expectation to not want a man to struggle with porn at all before marriqge? I think in the past month he said he watched porn 4 or 5 times but no more than 7 times. I feel so stressed cause I am a 30 year old female and want to get married and have kids and it is so hard for me to like guys and find someone with a connection. I get scared I will never find another guy again. It seems like finding a guy who doesn’t use porn is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I just struggle cause I really love him but he says he doesn’t want to keep hurting me cause he knows his porn usage hurts me. What do you advise?
Hello everyone, my fiance and I got engaged 2.5 months ago. One issue we are having is his struggle with pornography. He was exposed to it at the age of 6, so he has struggled with it for 20 years. Our pastor wants him to be clean of pornography for 6 months before we get married. He seemed willing to try that deadline but he is struggling with porn still. I suggested blockers but he always says he finds a way to work around them. I brought up Cogenant Eyes and he seems to think it would take up time but then he recently got a software system installed on his phone and he has an accountability partner. I have also suggested getting a Gabb phone, going to Celebrate Recovery, getting Christian counseling etc. with the counseling, he says he doesn’t likely have the time cause he is really busy with his career right now and that he has tried talking to experts at his old church (ICOC) and took a 6-8 program about lust and pornography. He also said he could do the Gabb phone but addicts always find ways around things. He seems to think he will definitely not be able to not do porn for 6 months and I am encouraging him not to give up. He even said he probably won’t be able to be free from the addiction in a year and that he wanted to quit 4 or 5 years ago but hasn’t been able to. I struggle with anxiety and he asked me if someone had to put a time frame for me to completely give up anxiety could I do it? Which ideally I would like to but feelings can be harder to escape from and pornography is a choice. I guess part of me is frustrated my pastor wants him to be clean for several months cause I am still willing to marry him even if he still has a struggle. Is it too high of an expectation to not want a man to struggle with porn at all before marriqge? I think in the past month he said he watched porn 4 or 5 times but no more than 7 times. I feel so stressed cause I am a 30 year old female and want to get married and have kids and it is so hard for me to like guys and find someone with a connection. I get scared I will never find another guy again. It seems like finding a guy who doesn’t use porn is like trying to find a needle in a haystack. I just struggle cause I really love him but he says he doesn’t want to keep hurting me cause he knows his porn usage hurts me. What do you advise?
I got engaged 10 days ago on my 30th birthday. My fiance and I are hoping to get married sometime in the early portion (first half) of next year. My parents have a set budget which will essentially be enough to pay for the wedding. But I am having some issues. I live in San Diego, and my mom and sisters really want me to have the wedding at the Safari Park. Which I am willing to consider this venue but also want to see a few other venues as well. I did suggest Ramona but my mom said this is a redneck portion and one sister said there are no hotels nearby. They also said I should wait to get my dress until I pick a venue. I got together with family on Sunday they were asking about my wedding. They asked how many bridesmaids I wanted and when I told them they said it was too much and said I should cut too. My fiance has a few people he wants for groomsmen and my family seemed to insist there should be even numbers of bridesmaids and groomsmen for picture purposes. I told them I disagreed and this is what I wanted. When I stayed who I wanted they said one of my choices had a strippers name and that she looks like a hippie and they inquired what she did for work (she was at my party). This is especially hurtful cause this is a very close friend of mine who has been there for me and even helped host my big 30th birthday party. My mom made a random comment about someone being a stripper and I guess I gave her a look and she asked why I gave a look. One sister said they were just giving opinions and they werent just going to agree with me. I said they can give opinions and I may follow their advice sometimes and I may not. My mom told me I was defensive which is super triggering for me cause she consistently says that when I disagree with her or defend myself. My mother has a history of rarely apologizing and being manipulative; I honestly think she is a narcissist.
Anyways I started tearing up and my fiance knew I was upset. When I turned to him he said I needed to step away and we walked away and I cried about their antics. He said we should leave because of my family’s mistreatment and especially for the lack of respect toward my friend. I struggled cause I had never done that before but we did it.
My mom texted me in a message saying I am too sensitive and I should have stayed but I couldn’t control my temper. I said I don’t feel like staying cause of the mean comments my sisters made toward my friend. My mom said it shouldn’t have been said but to be honest only a few people talked to the family at the 30th birthday party and no one else wanted to get to know them including the friend I had. This is ridiculous cause they stayed to the side of the birthday party and sat away from people and one friend said she talked to my niece but my sister shooed her away. I told my mom I was sorry she felt that way and to please not make unkind comments about my friends. I said if it happens again I will leave. And I said I loved her. She said “WTH? I did not say unkind things. Feel free to pay for your wedding .” She then said I should talk to my sister and she didn’t need this crap before a vacation. She said I should have said “I am sorry you didn’t feel welcome at the party.” Then she said shame on me!
Obviously, weddings are expensive so it’s tempting to take the money my mom wants to fund. But I don’t know if I can handle this kind of control during the whole process. I would rather have a fun and memorable wedding than a stressful and expensive wedding. I know my fiance and I can have our weddings at free venues (our church) and people can help to set up our wedding. What would you suggest? Would a talk with my mom be worth it? Should I not take the funds? One of the things my mom has done right is provide for me but I always feel there are strings attached
I got engaged 10 days ago on my 30th birthday. My fiance and I are hoping to get married sometime in the early portion (first half) of next year. My parents have a set budget which will essentially be enough to pay for the wedding. But I am having some issues. I live in San Diego, and my mom and sisters really want me to have the wedding at the Safari Park. Which I am willing to consider this venue but also want to see a few other venues as well. I did suggest Ramona but my mom said this is a redneck portion and one sister said there are no hotels nearby. They also said I should wait to get my dress until I pick a venue. I got together with family on Sunday they were asking about my wedding. They asked how many bridesmaids I wanted and when I told them they said it was too much and said I should cut too. My fiance has a few people he wants for groomsmen and my family seemed to insist there should be even numbers of bridesmaids and groomsmen for picture purposes. I told them I disagreed and this is what I wanted. When I stayed who I wanted they said one of my choices had a strippers name and that she looks like a hippie and they inquired what she did for work (she was at my party). This is especially hurtful cause this is a very close friend of mine who has been there for me and even helped host my big 30th birthday party. My mom made a random comment about someone being a stripper and I guess I gave her a look and she asked why I looked at that. One sister said they were just giving opinions and they werent just going to agree with me. I said they can give opinions and I may follow their advice sometimes and I may not. My mom told me I was defensive which is super triggering for me cause she consistently says that when I disagree with her or defend myself. My mother has a history of rarely apologizing and being manipulative; I honestly think she is a narcissist.
Anyways I started tearing up and my fiance knew I was upset. When I turned to him he said I needed to step away and we walked away and I cried about their antics. He said we should leave because of my family’s mistreatment and especially for the lack of respect toward my friend. I struggled cause I had never done that before but we did it.
My mom texted me in a message saying I am too sensitive and I should have stayed but I couldn’t control my temper. I said I don’t feel like staying cause of the mean comments my sisters made toward my friend. My mom said it shouldn’t have been said but to be honest only a few people talked to the family at the 30th birthday party and no one else wanted to get to know them including the friend I had. This is ridiculous cause they stayed to the side of the birthday party and sat away from people and one friend said she talked to my niece but my sister shooed her away. I told my mom I was sorry she felt that way and to please not make unkind comments about my friends. I said if it happens again I will leave. And I said I loved her. She said “WTH? I did not say unkind things. Feel free to pay for your wedding .” She then said I should talk to my sister and she didn’t need this crap before a vacation. She said I should have said “I am sorry you didn’t feel welcome at the party.” Then she said shame on me!
Obviously, weddings are expensive so it’s tempting to take the money my mom wants to fund. But I don’t know if I can handle this kind of control during the whole process. I would rather have a fun and memorable wedding than a stressful and expensive wedding. I know my fiance and I can have our weddings at free venues (our church) and people can help to set up our wedding. What would you suggest? Would a talk with my mom be worth it? Should I not take the funds?
My boyfriend and I are discussing porn. In the past month/month and a half he has watched porn twice. There was one time I watched a video on YouTube and a shirtless man was on it and I was tempted. I was telling my boyfriend we should commit to a period of months where we don’t watch anything pornographic before we marry. He said it was unrealistic and it could take years before that happened. I think we should commit to watching it as little as possible. What are your thoughts?
My boyfriend and I are discussing porn. In the past month/month and a half he has watched porn twice. There was one time I watched a video on YouTube and a shirtless man was on it and I was tempted. I was telling my boyfriend we should commit to a period of months where we don’t watch anything pornographic before we marry. He said it was unrealistic and it could take years before that happened. I think we should commit to watching it as little as possible. What are your thoughts?
I have been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months this (4 months official). We both love each other very much and desire to marry each other. With that being said, I am starting to have some concerns but don’t know if I am being picky or sensitive. A few weeks ago my boyfriend was making some comments to me during pr church sermon and there was a couple in front of us. The wife whispered and asked us if we could be quiet. I did not blame her at all cause talking during a church service is rude in general. A few days ago, the husband talked to my boyfriend and apologized on behalf of his wife for the way she talked to us (I honestly didn’t think she was rude). Later on my boyfriend said he would work to be quieter and apologized for talking but said he doesn’t think the husband should apologize but the wife instead because she is the one who said. The husband disagreed and said they discussed it and they are one so his apology should suffice. I talked about it with my boyfriend and said the whole ordeal really isn’t a big deal and we should just be peaceful. He said he doesn’t trust the couple and won’t be friends with the husband. He even asked if we have to invite them to the wedding.
Another thing is his gaming habits. He is very into Dungeons and Dragons. He playing it at least every other Sunday after church and sometimes he rushes after church to meet his group. I always like to stay for a bit and hang out with people. Sometimes when I have scheduled something on a Sunday and asks if he wants to come he says he has to check with his group. This bothers me cause sometimes it’s not a for sure to meet up with his group but he seems to really prioritize it over plans with me downtimes.I had asked him to go to this Sabbath dinner on a Sunday and he had said yes. When I talked to him on the phone he said his DnD group was meeting and he had thought of convincing me to. go with him instead of the Sabbath dinner. Even when I had already RSVPed to the Sabbath dinner.He also has two other virtual DnD groups he goes to each week for 3 hours. In my opinion he spends more time with his gaming groups than people at church. The past few times we have talked on the phone he will often play video games while we talk.
He also seems to be okay or open to changing commitments. A few months ago we were both invited to a wedding from a couple at church and he asked what if he couldn’t go cause one of his coworkers a needed him. I said if it was an emergency that this was fine but in general we should honor our commitments and we should try to especially with a wedding cause the couple is paying for the good of the guests. Then he will also make jokes about being open to try different churches from his old denomination even though we have both agreed to go to my original church. One time my church prayed for another church of the same denomination in a city where my boyfriend is living right now (30 miles away). He was joking later on that we could go to that church if we ever decided our current church was too far and we lived near where he lived. Which by the way he is very gung-ho about living in his hometown even though it is a city where there are gangs and is not the safest and is far from everything in general.
Also: he used to send me a lot of Scripture at the beginning of our relationship. For the past few months he has slacked. I will also say, he seems to game more than reading scripture and he said in marriage he will need my help to help him read Scripture. When he does read Scripture he reads the New Testament over the Old Testament. He has told me he has not read a ton of the Old Testament though he has been saved over 7 years.
Also he seems to favor public school because in his eyes it is free. I don’t want to send my kids to public school cause of all the stuff going on in recent years. He said we can’t hide them from the real world. He is open to private school but says I will have to work full time if we send our kids there (I want to stay home with the kids). He is very opposed to homeschooling because in his view homeschooling makes kids socially awkward.
We also went to a hockey game a few months ago and he had this metal wallet chain. They didn’t want metal in the arena and one of the security ladies was sassy and said she would throw the chain away. He was definitely upset about this. The next day he said he acted sinfully but said he didn’t want to go back to that arena for a long time. I can understand being frustrated but to say you won’t go back because of that one thing is pushing it a little far. I guess I just fear I might make him really mad over something little.
I don’t know if I am being too picky or high maintenance. I do love him and feel called to be with him. I am just wondering if we’d need to slow down a bit and date a little longer before taking things to next level (engagement). I just feel conflicted cause I already picked out a ring and he has talked to someone in our church who takes pictures about getting proposal pics. Advice?
I have been dating my current boyfriend for 6 months this (4 months official). We both love each other very much and desire to marry each other. With that being said, I am starting to have some concerns but don’t know if I am being picky or sensitive. A few weeks ago my boyfriend was making some comments to me during pr church sermon and there was a couple in front of us. The wife whispered and asked us if we could be quiet. I did not blame her at all cause talking during a church service is rude in general. A few days ago, the husband talked to my boyfriend and apologized on behalf of his wife for the way she talked to us (I honestly didn’t think she was rude). Later on my boyfriend said he would work to be quieter and apologized for talking but said he doesn’t think the husband should apologize but the wife instead because she is the one who said. The husband disagreed and said they discussed it and they are one so his apology should suffice. I talked about it with my boyfriend and said the whole ordeal really isn’t a big deal and we should just be peaceful. He said he doesn’t trust the couple and won’t be friends with the husband. He even asked if we have to invite them to the wedding.
Another thing is his gaming habits. He is very into Dungeons and Dragons. He playing it at least every other Sunday after church and sometimes he rushes after church to meet his group. I always like to stay for a bit and hang out with people. Sometimes when I have scheduled something on a Sunday and asks if he wants to come he says he has to check with his group. This bothers me cause sometimes it’s not a for sure to meet up with his group but he seems to really prioritize it over plans with me downtimes.I had asked him to go to this Sabbath dinner on a Sunday and he had said yes. When I talked to him on the phone he said his DnD group was meeting and he had thought of convincing me to. go with him instead of the Sabbath dinner. Even when I had already RSVPed to the Sabbath dinner.He also has two other virtual DnD groups he goes to each week for 3 hours. In my opinion he spends more time with his gaming groups than people at church. The past few times we have talked on the phone he will often play video games while we talk.
He also seems to be okay or open to changing commitments. A few months ago we were both invited to a wedding from a couple at church and he asked what if he couldn’t go cause one of his coworkers a needed him. I said if it was an emergency that this was fine but in general we should honor our commitments and we should try to especially with a wedding cause the couple is paying for the good of the guests. Then he will also make jokes about being open to try different churches from his old denomination even though we have both agreed to go to my original church. One time my church prayed for another church of the same denomination in a city where my boyfriend is living right now (30 miles away). He was joking later on that we could go to that church if we ever decided our current church was too far and we lived near where he lived. Which by the way he is very gung-ho about living in his hometown even though it is a city where there are gangs and is not the safest and is far from everything in general.
Also: he used to send me a lot of Scripture at the beginning of our relationship. For the past few months he has slacked. I will also say, he seems to game more than reading scripture and he said in marriage he will need my help to help him read Scripture. When he does read Scripture he reads the New Testament over the Old Testament. He has told me he has not read a ton of the Old Testament though he has been saved over 7 years.
Also he seems to favor public school because in his eyes it is free. I don’t want to send my kids to public school cause of all the stuff going on in recent years. He said we can’t hide them from the real world. He is open to private school but says I will have to work full time if we send our kids there (I want to stay home with the kids). He is very opposed to homeschooling because in his view homeschooling makes kids socially awkward.
We also went to a hockey game a few months ago and he had this metal wallet chain. They didn’t want metal in the arena and one of the security ladies was sassy and said she would throw the chain away. He was definitely upset about this. The next day he said he acted sinfully but said he didn’t want to go back to that arena for a long time. I can understand being frustrated but to say you won’t go back because of that one thing is pushing it a little far. I guess I just fear I might make him really mad over something little.
I don’t know if I am being too picky or high maintenance. I do love him and feel called to be with him. I am just wondering if we’d need to slow down a bit and date a little longer before taking things to next level (engagement). I just feel conflicted cause I already picked out a ring and he has talked to someone in our church who takes pictures about getting proposal pics. Advice?
I have been dating my boyfriend for nearly 6 months. He has a Dungeons and Dragons group he meets with from work at least twice a month for 5-6 hours. He also has two other DnD groups on Discord that he plays with twice a week. Each Discord group lasts at least 3 hours. Also we talk on the phone at least once a week and the last few times we have talked he has played video games on the phone call. During our last phone call he has played two different video games. I am starting to think he might have an unhealthy level of gaming but maybe I am wrong. What are your thoughts?