u/BlackHeartginger

*Tana starts the episode in a staged messy hotel bed in Vegas. She goes on a bug tangent about her mental health filled with her favorite therapized buzzwords and diagnoses. Cortisol, fight or flight, Trauma, dopamine, ADHD, OCD, Anxiety,
Frontal lobe, etc. Tana says she is going to her psychologist weekly and mentions she is on Klonopin now (A new benzo to add to her pill mix, great)

*Tana literally says the “Things I have to do to get in the shower is a hate crime” ( This is a new insufferable bit she has where she compares her struggles to being a victim of a hate crime.)

*The pity party is just getting started. Tana is really feeling so sorry for herself and how she is just struggling so much with all of her wealthy woman problems but she has decided for the first time in her life she is going to put herself first because for so long she has been busy taking care of everyone else. (Yes, I crackled she said this and I called again when I wrote this paragraph. When in the history of Tana has she ever put anyone else first??)

*Tana has decided she is going to hold hands with her need for escapism because she has been working so hard at her career and self improvement that she has not been taking the time to have fun. She really needs the dopamine so she is allowing herself to vape, shop, gamble, and travel. ( I don’t know how she can say this with a straight face. She was just following Noah Kahan on tour.)

*She is so proud of herself for curbing going to Vegas for an entire month

*More airport/flight complaining (Why do influencers always complain about traveling? It is so unfunny and not interesting)

*Tana talks about the celebrity poker tournament. The adderall must have hit because she is just motor mouthing about the celebrities at the tournament and glitching with TikTokisms. At one point she references the Jake Paul era as her Pauling out. She met Terrell Owens, and he told her he was a famous pickleball player so the whole night she was asking him to teach her how to play pickleball and she didn’t find out until later that he is actually a famous ex-NFL player (This is fucking funny to me)

*Tana talks about her love of poker and says she is Hitler to play poker (she loves edgelord maxing)

*Calls her interview with Zach Justice a hate crime (I know I said this in a comment on another post but I will reiterate it. Tana, this is why it isn't funny or “interesting from a psychological standpoint” to platform Incels. They hate women and people joking about them slowly emboldens and normalizes their behavior.)

*She had dinner with Holly Madison (ew) at Carbone and got to go out on the Carbone boat at the Bellagio fountain (honestly looks like fun minus the company)

*More self praising for overcoming sooo much and healing her inner child (so tired of this on repeat)

*Tana texted David Spade and got on the guest list to his show with Nikki Glaser. Tana says she relates to Nikki so much and wants a career like hers. (Delusion) Says she relates to David Spade so much (huh?)

*They were gambling and ran into the guy who left her at the Red Rock. Says she found out why he left her at the Red Rock and it was because she was posting to TikTok on Snapchat in her bed three days after she had said I love you to him. (I have no idea what this explanation means. If someone can decode this let me know)

*Tana was so exhausted from going to multiple casinos in Vegas and goes on a weird tangent about people demagnetizing hotel key cards by putting them next to their phones and having to walk thousands of steps back to the lobby to get a new card (she really can and will find anything to complain about)

*Long tangent about Burning Man and how much she hates it. She wants to dress up as Bethenny Frankel at Burning Man for Halloween.

*Larping! It’s one of Tana’s favorite new words to use incorrectly. She larped as a DJ and feels she was a DJ in a past life. She says she wants to be a DJ now (nope)

*Talks about wanting to go to medieval times later (Same sister! Never been but would love to go)

*Teases doing future shows about touring mansions in LA and her show at Texas Christian University, or interviewing people who are specialists in “fields of the mind” (Please don’t. Nobody wants to hear you complain about mansion shopping or hear an interview with some pseudo psychology healer. Please no!)

*Makoa was surfing in San Diego while Tana was in Vegas. (interesting)

*Tana fans out about Lindsay Clancy’s lawyer. Says she wants to get a manicure with him and that his kids must love him. (She does realize that three tiny children were strangled to death by their mentally ill mother, right?! Like, I am glad we are addressing PPD and PPP but it is just tragic all around and to laugh and fangirl over anyone in this situation is depraved)

*More Adderall stream of consciousness about Charli D'Amelio, Ken Eurich, Hayden Panitierre.

I hope you all enjoyed this bonkers BS breakdown!

This is the worst podcast opener I have ever encountered. I do not want to diminish the absolute absurdity of this BS statement by summarizing it so I have included it in its entirety. She literally put DELAYED in the episode title as well which is diabolical!!!

“This episode of Brand Safe has been delayed due to the birthday of our prized employee, Kyle Barber. Nothing happens without Kyle Barber. Literally, nothing happens without him.

If we didn't have Kyle Barber, this podcast would be shot on a blender and edited with a toe. We hope wherever you are, you are celebrating Kyle Barber. Seriously, sorry it's late, but like who was gonna edit it?

You know what I mean? It's just, it's Kyle or no one, you guys, and he only gets one day off a year. Like, it's just like, it's the one day, and I'm like, it's here now, and we love you guys, and we hope you had an amazing Labor Day weekend, and we are very, very sorry for the delay to all of our Brand Safers, and we will see you next weekend.”

(Wow, so much deflection on Kyle for her poor planning and production. Take responsibility, Tana. A truthful statement should be “ Sorry this week's episode is late. I cannot stick to a schedule and refuse to hire professionals that will help me stick to a schedule. I purposely hire people who will enable my unprofessional and self-destructive behavior because it is easier than doing the work to overcome my trauma and take accountability for my actions. Nothing is ever my fault and I will stoop so low as to use my employee's birthday as an excuse for my poor time management that resulted in my work being submitted late. Sorry im not sorry about it! )

*Birkins! They talk about their Birkins and Isabella's bday (So relatable)

*Isabella suggests they start a channel
Called moookbang because they love to
Eat and moo at each other (I am not mad about this idea )

* Tana's dad would lie to Isabella's parents when she would spend the night at her house and say they would be staying in (So fucked up of any parent to act like this.)

* Isabella's mom started dating a pastor who was a cop (yikes!)

*Tana was a youth leader at church (wow)
Isabella lied to her parents and said she was becoming a youth leader at church with Tana and her mom figured it out because Isabella’s mom went to the church they didn't know her (this was a funny teen story)

*Tana asks Isabella what she remembers of Tana’s household. Isabella would bring food to Tana’s mom to make sure she was eating. They talk about the time Tana’s dad threw a barstool and Isabella threw it back at him. (dark)

*Tana talks about her success before she was 18 on YouTube and was making enough money to rent a townhouse in Las Vegas and Tana's mother lived with them. Because Tana wasn't 18 her parent still had control over her bank accounts and would constantly cut off access to her own money as a form of control. Tana’s mom would chain-smoke in the townhouse and refuse to go on the balcony (This is wild. Tana’s parents suck)

*Isabella and Tana had a falling out in 2019 and did not live together or talk to each other. (It sounds like typical teenage friend drama that happens when you are roommates.)

*Isabella calls out Tana for never wearing socks when they were younger and how she wouldn't let her borrow her shoes (Literally, how did it take multiple people to convince Tana to finally wear socks with shoes?! Does she not have a sense of smell?)

*Tana says that she and Isabella both have OCD, PMD, anxiety, and Depression. Tana says their neurons were shot from them drinking 6 shots of espresso daily.(every week there is a new diagnosis to blame her bad behavior on)

*Tana talks about one of her first exes who was controlling

*They yap about typical teen shenanigans they got into.

*Tana tangents about how they have overcome so much and how amazing they are to have survived (Listen, I am not negating anyone's childhood trauma but at a time when children are not surviving until their teens due to genocide it feels gross to act like they have overcome insurmountable circumstances to survive)

*There were a lot of the same tanaisms
In this episode, I don't feel like going over them because they are topics that have been talked about to death. Anxiety, frontal lobe, influencers influencing, narcissistic parents, growth etc

*They start the episode talking about Tana's ailments! (Yay! Something new!)Trish said Tana had told her she had been sick for the past few days and on antibiotics and wanted to do the episode in pajamas. Tana showed up with a fresh spray tan in a sexy VS silk PJ set and Trish was in sweats and said she feels underdressed. ( I feel like this has been a recurring thing on NL with Tana showing up dressed different than she said she would be and it throws Trish off. Didn't she also do this to Brooke? Jorts gate comes
to mind)

*Tana says she and Kyle have just been doing nothing but editing for the past week (LIES!)

*They talk about the Marry Harry reunion. Tana says she always thought her friend who married Harry was made for reality TV and predicts she will be on other reality shows after this. (Didn't she say on BS that she was shocked to see this friend on the Marry Harry show and how she would never have thought she would be on reality TV?)

*Tana says she is getting back on a Glp1 next week (As if she ever stopped)

*Tana still doesn't have her
Rolls-Royce and has to pay out of pocket for the repairs ( sorry but anyone who thinks they should learn to drive in a $250k car needs to learn a lesson the hard way)

*They yap a bunch about random influencers, sobriety, Halloween, Dolly Parton, Malls

*They take a few calls that I do not feel like summarizing because taking advice from these two is not something I would recommend

Thanks to our sister sugarsaltsilicone for gifting a membership in order to support Stacy Burke after her YouTube ban.

She has so many mansion photos posted and a lot of them feature Hollins OG face which is jarring ( she doesn't look bad it's just a completely different face) and Bridgets fuck ass hairstyles from the early mansion days. Wish I could post some screenshots because they are hilarious.

Stacy’s decades old YouTube channel was just demonatized, years of content and revenue opportunities are gone. You would think they would throw her a bone for doing an unpaid interview for their patreon and provide a link to her patreon as well. Justice for Stacy!

What could she possibly be so busy with that it takes four months to edit her content?

*Apologies for the typos 😑

If you all don't already know I have PhD in Girls Next Door and Girls Next Level so this breakdown is full of sassy commentary and calling out Holly’s BS.

*This episode was literally recorded four months ago. For context, they reference Tana and Trish hoping to book a Vegas show so this was before they even announced their disastrous show.
They are filming in a bed at the Wynn after Tana was unbanned and they talk about eating a pickle pizza. (The pickle pizza has been on my mind for months and it sounds so good and I am bummed I couldn't get one the last time I was in Vegas)

*They talk about the Vegas climate and Tana compliments Holly's skin. Holly attributes it to sunscreen use and growing up in Alaska (Holly’s skin looks great because she has regular laser treatments, Botox, filler, neck lift, and lower facelift. Sunscreen is important but let's not act like this is normal.)

*Holly talks about losing her Rolex at Circus Circus while staying there to explore some closed-off “haunted”
part of the hotel ( This story is so
Strange and doesn't really make sense)

*Tana brings up Zak Bagans, Holly’s ex and favorite subject to talk about. They talk about his lame museum. Holly brings up Zak talking shit about her to girls he “cheated” with. He told one girl that Holly was obsessed with him and wouldn't accept that their relationship was over. He said he felt sorry for her and insinuated that she was “handicapped” ( Zak is gross
but Holly IS straight up obsessed with him. If you all don't know the lore. They have been broken up for years at this point.He would never publicly claim her, never even met her kids, and acted like an all-around fuckboy for years yet Holly still stayed with him despite being in her mid forties and arguably having enough life experience to know better. She talks about him every single week on her podcast despite having a new relationship with an equally douchey guy. At this point it is giving mentally unhinged)

*Holly talks about her ex and her kids' names which are Rainbow and Forest. Says she originally wanted to name her son Dragon (I am all for weird names but Dragon is horrible)

*They talk about Holly's true crime
show. ( Holly loves to make money off of vulnerable women just like Hef)

*Holly brings up Criss Angel and says her kids went to one of his shows and thought he was lame. She says she is scared for the day they find out that she dated him ( Holly’s favorite subject is talking about most of her exes. She dated Criss Angel
for 6 months 20! Years ago and still regularly talks shit about him. If I dated Criss Angel I would do everything in my power to make people forget about that horrible decision)

*Tana talks about men who want to f**k their moms ( really don't need to hear about this topic again)

*Holly talks about her decision to leave the mansion and she has a new story now. For years she has said that she decided to leave Hef when IVF didn't work out. Now she is saying that her final straw was Hef asking Kendra to sit closer to him at movie night and getting pissed when she didn't want to because he “loved the drama” (Holly is a pathological liar. It's funny that Tana claims to be such a fan and close
Friend of Holly’s but always seems
Clueless to her Playboy origin story)

*Holly talks about her other obsession, Crystal Harris, Hef’s widow, and her campaign to stop Hef’s scrapbooks full of nudes from being made public. Holly is mad because Crystal is getting credit for doing something that Holly thought of first. ( Holly and Bridget are horrible to Crystal weekly on their podcast. They call her “Krusty” and display the worst mean-girl bully behavior.)

*Holly talks about her beef with Kendra and blames it on the producer of their shows ( Holly is always a victim. Never takes any responsibility for the shit storms she causes and then pretends like she doesn't know why nobody ever likes her)

*They talk about Vegas shows and Holly says her favorites are Carrot Top and the empire strips back ( you would have to pay me to go to a Carrot Top show)

*Holly talks about her new podcast which consists of her interviewing “biohacking” grifters, strippers, and super young OF/BOP house girls ( This is why Holly sucks as a human. She has spent decades talking about the trauma she endured being a young sugar baby at the Playboy mansion and the stigma that has followed her around. Yet she promotes seeking arrangements and fangirls over teenage OF models. Glamorizing and promoting the same system she claims traumatized her.)

Peppa pig is my answer. It would actually be kinda cute like when Miss Piggy does interviews

Tana talks about her San Diego trip. She and Makoa shot a campaign for a new electrolyte product in formal wear ( this
Sounds like such a weird aesthetic for electrolyte powder but maybe it will be amazing)

Trish asks Tana about her Noah Kahan obsession. Tana says she used to DM with him but doesn't anymore because he is married. Tana talked about going to his LA concert and Paige and Brooke going separately because they wanted to be in the pit but Tana wanted to sit in a section with seats.

Tana talks about house hunting and touring a 3.9 million dollar house near the Hollywood Bowl but it is only accessible by lots of stairs. ( Le sigh, rich people problems sound so lovely.)

Trish wants to do a vow renewal with Moses for their 5th anniversary at Disneyland (Aren't vow renewals the kiss
Of Death?! Don't do it, Trish)

They talk about Jordan Woods' wedding and people seeing their exes at weddings. Trish asks Tana if there are any exes she would mind seeing at a wedding and she said not really ( I will commend Tana for not holding a grudge against people. Very mature take)

Not loveline really is the BS after show. Tana telling the same story about knowing the girl from Let's Marry Harry. She told in BS yesterday ( annoying to hear the same story rehashed but Tana doesn't care)

Trish talks about her return to AGT and it being a full circle moment. ( Yay for
Trish)

Tana talks about meeting Kim K. It's the same story she already told on BS. Tana said she paid $2000 to rent the D&G dress she wore to the event (that is crazy! )

They are both loving the “Tuscan Mom” aesthetic. (Not sure how I feel about this trend re-emerging. I'm down with the plaid not so much the capris.)

They talk about the Lindsey Clancy trial ( IDK. I feel bad for everyone involved, especially her children. There is a lot of misinformation and conspiracy theories out there and I advise anyone interested in this trial to read reputable sources)

Hayden Panetierre and the dangers of child stardom ( Hayden was failed by so many people and is the reason children should not be working full time and financially supporting their families. They should also call out their friend Holly Madison for further exploiting teenage child stars on her podcast.)

They take two calls that are boring and not worth reporting on.

Hope you all enjoyed this brief NLL breakdown. Be a babe and join my new sub R/gingershottakes

I listen so you don't have to! Weekly sassy episode breakdowns of the pods we love to snark about. Currently breaking down Brand Safe and Girls Next Level with an occasional Not Loveline episode sprinkled in the mix. Open to any request/suggestions for other media to add to the mix.

Tana is in San Diego and following Noah Kahan around on tour. We are blessed with another janky poorly lit episode ( so professional)

*Tana has newly self-diagnosed her own autism! 
“One of the biggest Symptoms of her spectrum” is listening to a song on repeat. She keeps mentioning her “autism” (Autism is her new personality. Using the term spectrum for everything is not cool)

*Tana tangents about how music is so
Important to her, the way it can remind her of a certain period of life and how she likes sad music the most ( She really doesn't get that the majority of people also connect deeply to music.)

*She asked everyone their favorite song and then roasted Imari for almost choosing a OneRepublic song as his she then calls him
And is on the phone for a few minutes. ( Why the fuck is she podcasting herself
Talking on the phone? She has really lost the plot when it comes to interesting content)

*We are then subjected to a long and unentertaining segment about music
And the name dropping is at an all time
High. I will just record the names because most of it was dribble. Apologies for any misspelled names

Billie Eilish, 
Lewis Capaldi
Charlie pugh
Machine Gun Kelly
Joan Baez
Bob Dylan
Gracie abrhams
Zed
Selena Gomez
Noah Kahan
Lamar Odom
Pamela Anderson
Ed Sheeran
Steve jobs
Del taco
Lil Wayne
Eminem
Goo Goo Dolls
Coldplay
Lil peep
Lil Xan ( says she wants to have him
On the pod Kyle talked sense into her)
Justin Bieber 
David Dobrik
Olivia Rodrigro
Bozzy cosmic
Chance the rapper
Mike Posner
Miley Cyrus

*Tana says that “Landslide” by Stevie Nicks is one of her favorite songs ever and then says with her whole chest that she doesn't even know who wrote the song or why. 
( For the love of God woman read a fucking book, watch a documentary, or use a Google
Search bar. The song was written about one of the most important relationships in rock and roll between Stevie Nicks and Lindsay Buckingham who dated for many years and are both still members of Fleetwood Mac. The fact that she said this is her favorite song and didn't know this is so embarrassing. Straight to Jail Tana)

*Tana talks about Amy Winehouse and says she was inspired to start writing her book the second time around after Amy died and her diaries were published ( Does anyone think her “book” is just a few Notes app paragraphs over the year? Also, how is your book not done if you have been writing it for 10-plus years)

*Tana talks about her love for the Goo Goo Dolls “Iris” and how she has loved it more than any other basic bitch and then says she just found out “it was written for some
Movie”
( Again, she is just embarrassing herself. How has this been your favorite song for your entire life and you don't know this?)

*This leads to an unhinged rant about Anne Frank and how she doesn't think it is right that her diary was published ( Hard disagree with this take. Publishing her diary was extremely important in humanizing so many victims of the holocaust and a firsthand account of the extreme measures that people were forced into trying to survive the Nazi regime. Again, read a fucking book or watch a documentary, Tana )

*She goes into a boring rant about Netflix/reality dating shows and how unethically they treat the contestants ( I literally don't care about lame dating shows)

*Boring bit about “who wants to marry Harry” and makes a pointless on-pod call to Harry Jowsey (bored and listening at 2x at this point)

*Tana apparently made a list when she was stoned and watching love is blind and is now going to share it with us. I hate that I had to type some of these

How would you feel if your kid is gay

Do you e** p***y or have period sex ( goes on a spastic rant about this and the phrases, d**k cheese, Ziploc bag of Vaseline, Twinkie were included)

If I eat a 3000 calorie meal in front of you how would you feel ( nauseous due to the bacteria colony under your nails)

Do you wear skinny jeans?

If your mom asked you to big spoon her to sleep what would your reaction be? If she doesn't get the answer she wants her next question would be do you want to fuck your mom?  ( She is so fucking weird. I get
That there are some weird boy moms out there but still)

Have you ever pushed someone's head during a blow job

When was the last time you used Snapchat? She doesn't think adults should
Use Snapchat ( agreed) 

If they correctly use their/there/they’re (This is rich coming from one of grammar's worst offenders)

If Morgan Wallen or Joe Rogan died what would your reaction be? 

Do you want me to be awake with you between 5-8:45 am ( girl lets be honest it's 5-1:45pm)

Have you worked in customer service

How do you deplane/act at the airport

How often do you show someone your 45-minute on-camera roll

How would you feel about a 2-hour shopping trip, would you be enthusiastic and supportive? Says she would rather they be honest and not go if they aren't into it.. ( Ok Tana Marie. What if the roles were reversed? How would you do on a two-hour shopping trip at say Dicks sporting goods or an auto parts store? Learn to do some things solo) 

What are the tampon sizes ( why would this be important for a potential suitor? I would be a little weirded out if a guy was super well versed in tampons)

Do you eat in bed

How do you feel about carrying my luggage

Do you have a semperfi tattoo, Tiger/tribal tattoo

What are your special interests
She lists hers : 
Dexter, peppa pig, Adam sandler, Bob Dylan, Justin Bieber, Moon sand. (Damn that is a bleak list)

What would you do if I had diarrhea (What do you mean? What can anyone do when someone else has diarrhea?!)

Would you care if I were bald or a worm

Their thoughts on bushes ( she clarifies that she means pubic hair and not the presidents. I don't think anyone would think you of all people were asking about the latter)

She closes out the episode teasing the still unreleased BS Patreon. ( Girl, it has been like four months. Get a producer and editor)

My prediction is Tana will announce she is getting her GED and enrolling in college.

Producer extraordinaire Holly finally posted this week's episode without a Patreon paywall. No dollars were lost listening to this week's episode.

*They start the episode talking about the end of the pod and Holly suggests they film the final episode at the Madonna Inn 
H teases that they have an idea for the pod after they finish GNL that is completely different but if we like H and B then you will like the new pod. B is completely silent during this statement ( Poor B always getting a carrot dangled by H when we know it won't happen)

*H brings up how annoying she found it for fans to bring Hef up and that's why she wrote her book (WE KNOW!!)she feels extra victimized and says that she doubts it happens to other celebrities mentions Jennifer Aniston and Pam Anderson. B  finally pushes back with a right take and says they both probably get asked about their exes by fans all the time ( Hilarious that H used Jennifer Aniston as an example because I can't think of a celebrity who was asked about her ex more than Jennifer Aniston. Stores sold shirts that said ‘team jen’ or ‘team brangelina’. Tabloids would write cover stories for decades about her breakup with Brad Pitt. )

*They talk about things they miss about the mansion and they both say holidays and traditions. This talk transitions into the mansion “Rules” (This dead horse again!)
Poor H could never do anything and B was always so scared to ask for anything and Kendra was always off “cheating” on Hef.

*H gets worked up about a scene in Kendra on Top where she was saying that Holly had to leave her birthday early to go be with Puffin. H is pissed because she sacrificed so much for the other two by choosing to be the one always by Hef’s side and that Kendra wouldn't have even had a 21st bday party in Vegas if she hadn't gone back home to be with Hef and that Kendra should “count her lucky stars” for it. ( When I hear rants like this I just feel bad for Kendra. Holly exhibits so many narcissistic personality traits and always has to have a scapegoat. I can only imagine the shit she pulled on an 18-year-old Kendra in the early mansion days)

*B has a new bit where she asks if she should read the history of certain places and of course H encourages it (anything but interesting content to stretch these episodes out and kill their dwindling fan base) B then proceeds to read off the AI history. (Why can't she do the research and then write an interesting and personalized script for herself? Somebody shred her diploma)

*They apparently went to some hot springs and did wine tasting that was not filmed. H complains they didn't show all of the animatronic window displays in Solvang (B keeps saying they went to the hot springs in Calistoga but there is no way that could be correct because Calistoga is 5 hrs away from SLO and 7 hours away from the mansion. I don't know why but this mistake irritates me)

*H says in season 1 she was really into gross out humor and then proceeds to talk about the bubblegum penis she made on the wall. Of course she has to bring up Cris and say that his brother was a prude because he mentioned seeing this episode and said she made a funny “shape” instead of “penis” and H hates when people are prude about her gross out humor (Grown up Holly! People aren't prude you just aren't that funny)

*B says H would always draw big dicks on all of her drawings. H tells a weird story about learning anatomy when she was young and drawing penis’ on all the characters in her coloring book. H says her dad flipped out and ripped the entire coloring book in half. (What was going on in her household during her childhood?! Such a weird story)

*They talk about Solvang and how cute the town was. (Hardcore agree and they have a great Tiki Bar there!)

*We are regaled with a bunch of random stories that have absolutely nothing to do with the episode. And of course the stories are sprinkled with a lot of Blonging ™️
 a neighbor's emu chasing Anastasia on her bike when she was a kid, 
a wild turkey chasing B's car once, 
Turkey vultures sunning their wings on her parents' fence, 
wild turkeys pecking their reflections in her car's door.

B is PISSED they didn't show a picture of Anastasia’s bday cake. (but she is totally not obsessed with food you guys. Their cakes are incredible though)

They talk about the Madonna Inn and their favorite rooms. H loves the Carin room B loves the Madonna suite. (My favorite is the Love Nest in case anyone was wondering)

*H talks about getting a psychic feeling that she was about to be the only girl left and that she wasn't talking to any boys at this time ( Holly is such a liar. This was months after she dressed as Cris for Mardi Gras) 

******* obligatory Crystal mention *********

B is still flummoxed that Cristal Camden was not on the trip and makes sure to clarify she is talking about the “good” Cristal not the “evil” Crystal 🙄

*They talk about the creepy scene where little kids come dance with them on the dance floor and they superimpose a smoking jacket on the boy that dances with H and they both think it is cute. H says the boy was later her waiter at the Madonna Inn ( I think turning a young boy into a mini Hef is creepy and I find it weird that they don't)

*More Kendra bashing! They are annoyed that she did not rally and drink with them all night  but they are glad that she wasn't trying to get attention (Kendra can do nothing right. If she is low-key, they are pissed if she is partying they are pissed)

They talk about what they did for their 21st days. H says she didn't do anything for her 21st (not shocked) and B tells the same story she has told at least two other times and they talk about the club in Vegas that B went to called the drink. 

**********obligatory Zak mention*********
H brings up that she asked Zak about the club when they dated and he said everybody went there.

*They talk about the scene with Hef at the mansion and Kayla and the other girls back at the mansion acting like they are taking over their spots.  More of H pulling her revisionist history crap. In past episodes, she admitted that it was her idea to have Kayla act like she was trying to take over for Holly because it would be funny. Now she is trying to say that she had suggested this trope in earlier episodes but is offended that they did it in this episode. ( I will always believe Holly told Hef to ask Kayla to be a girlfriend so it would look like she broke up with him over that and not for Cris)

*Best and Worst

B best was making memories on the trip
Worst was that they didn't feature her fertility journey (that would have been a horrible addition to this episode)

Her best was dancing with the little kids (EW. Holly really creeps these days. From taking her friends' teenage boys out on the town with her tits hanging out, interviewing teenage OF models to this being her highlight of the episode)
Her worst was that the producers treated the episode as a throwaway ( I disagree)

This week Tana filmed an episode with Paige dedicated to their pet peeves a subject that we never hear anything about (excuse me while I choke on my sarcasm)

****************** The Good****************
* They filmed at Paige’s gorgeous apartment and her adorable cat made multiple cameos in the episode.
* Tana seems to be taking therapy seriously
* I do love me some Paige and find I like Tana better when she has a counterpart

The Bad
I just couldn’t get in to most of their ranting about their minor annoyances in life when they are wealthy influencers below is a list of most of the things they covered

*Lane splitting

*Ordering with wrong language ie saying small instead of tall At Starbucks

*Influencers with music careers

*Ineffeciancy 

*Vibrator battery life

*Salads that are too big for the plate.
(Paige said Tana used to make her mix her salads for her and I am not one but surprised)

*Packaging that is hard to open

*People writing vaca instead of vacay 

*Kids with nerf guns

*People interacting with pets without permission

*Hates French bulldog owners

*People not putting their shopping carts back in parking lots ( I will stand ten toes down with them on this one. Don’t be a prick and take the 10 seconds to return the cart to designated area!!)

*There were a few more but I am out of town and was too bored to list every single pet peeve

*********** The Ugly ***************

*More mercury retrograde and Taco Bell diarrhea talk

*Booger talk

*Opened the episode taking about Harry Daniels (Why are we giving horrible men and their actions airtime!!)

*The recurring lag from taping to release makes the episodes feel old and stale

Tana is really pushing for capri’s to make a comeback and it is giving me anxiety. Just curious if y'all are here for it or avoiding.

*H starts the episode by humble bragging that there was a filming delay today because there was a fire alarm at the media headquarters for the podcast she records ( H is such a lame try hard. Nobody cares except maybe B and it is such a bad look to dunk on your slow friend)

*H talks about a memory coming back to her of her early mansion days of inviting her “friends” from hooters but that they wouldn't be invited back if they didn't participate in the group sex. They talk about the exception being if it was a good friend of a girlfriend who wasn't being as H describes “Being a big mooch” i.e., not participating in sex work ( once a recruiter, always a recruiter)

*H says this was one of her favorite episodes and then she feels “they dropped the ball on this episode “ and of course, B feels victimized as well. They feel
they didn't show enough of what they did on the trip( it's funny that they very rarely feel like any episode is good enough. It was a hit show for 5 seasons and obviously tens of thousands of people tuned in so at some point they would think it might be a them problem)

B is heated because they didn't make it sentimental enough for Anastasias bday.

********* Fact checking**********
The Madonna inn was built in 1958!! Much like they would like to believe Playboy was an underground nude zine before they moved into the mansion the Madonn Inn was popular and thriving for 50 years without the girls next door.

*H mentions an urban legend about a Madonna inn room keeping a bowl of green M&M's in a room because it makes people horny. This is untrue and if you knew the owner of the resort you would know they would be repulsed at her saying this. H then attributes the creation of the “sexy” green m&m to this conspiracy theory. (Holly has TikTok for brains)

*H says this episode feels cut short and never gets to what it is supposed to be about ( WTF is she talking about? It was about Ana’s bday and that is exactly what we saw. )

*H says she wishes they could go on location when they cover Beaches ( H really hates B because why even suggest something that is going to get her hopes up)

*They talk about the trauma of going through pet deaths. (no sassy comments for this sad topic)

*H says that when her dog died she had a weird download that she would have a romantic relationship come in to her life and a week later had her first date with Steve (nee mystery man) thinks Louie stuck around so she could meet Steve. (I am sure they are soulmates)

*B said she wrote a seventeen page letter to winnie to help process her grief. (can't snark on anyones grief)

******** Obligatory Zak Mention *********
H talks about Santa Barbara and thinking it was a boring old people town back in the day until she dated Zak who would rent a house there in the summer and now she loves it and considered moving there because it was close enough to Malibu
and even made her password for her computer ‘Santa Barabra’
***Spoiler Alert****
She now hates Santa Barabra because of Evil Zak and his gross cheating ways. ( I wonder how Hollin would handle things if her new boyfriend had a podcast and brought up his ex girlfriend by name very week)

*They talk about Sarah and Kendra putting pennies on the track and B wonders why Ana wasn't out there with them and then interjects that it is probably because they were Never friends. (But, but, I thought Playboy was one big happy incestuous family!)

*Apparently mooning the Amtrak trains is a thing and there are a few fesircala that happen every year where people moon the train.

*Andersons Pea soup was demolished last year. B does a eulogy for Andersons Pea soup. H says pea soup is mostly potatoes( wrong again Hollin. It is dried peas)

*They accuse Kevin of being a “feeder” ( I loathe them for making me Google this term) because he liked doing scenes with them trying new food.

*WHY THE FUCK ARE WE TALKING ABOUT CL*V****LAR I refuse to acknowledge that incel by name. It will be referred to as The Incel from here on out.

*Says she received a ton of messages from suss industry people about arranging an interview with the incel
*The Incel even reached out to her about an interview and she is even having internal meetings with her team about this possibility
(Tana, you are not a psychiatrist/psychologist/neuroscientist. If you are interested in psychoanalyzing incels take your millions and go to college so you can actually learn about this topic that you are obviously so interested in.)

****** Tweaking with Tana *******

The Addys must have really hit during this tangent so I will try to concisely sum up the tweaked-out details of this segment while conveying the crackhead essence with which they were delivered

*Talks about couples rage-baiting domestic violence on TikTok
*She wants to put on her “Diane Sawyer hat” (she will repeat this phrase multiple times throughout the tangent) and interview him to figure out what went wrong in his childhood. She started making excuses for him because he is 20 and would want to talk to him about using his platform to help young men.
*She then says the flip side is that he would probably show up live-streaming even if they agreed not to before the interview ( yeah, incels don't really care about consent babe)
*she would not feel comfortable having the incel over to her house and would have to rent a space and have maximum security and that even with maximum security she would still be scared he would punch her on the podcast and she would need a second nose job ( Tana loves to talk about hating men and how dangerous they are and give all these tips about trusting your intuition and yet wastes oxygen talking about this Incel.)
*Again, says she is just interested in interviewing from a journalistic standpoint ( Tana, you are not a journalist. You are influenced.)
*Then she flips back to talking about the Incels content and relationship/thropple (Why?!!)
*Tana then asks Kyle for the actual definition of Incel ( I can't believe she did not know it but it is “involuntary celibacy”
In case you didn't know)
*J/K Now she says she is going to stop consuming his content and hit not interested (Tweakers are exhausting to report on)
*Flops back and doesn't think she is going to do it but if her audience tells her they want it she will. (Let me be so bold as to answer for every single person who consumes her content NO!)

*Tana has found a new therapist! Said her chiropractor referred her to her new therapist (red flag number one) and that her therapist doesn't even have a website or online contact ( red flag number two) (PSA you can easily check the license and credentials of any doctor/therapist on your state's government website. I highly recommend doing this. )

*Goes into the Netflix documentary TikTok she made with Trevi about Shane Dawson. Says she owes her career after Tanacon to him. He used to be her idol. She didn't realize there was anything wrong with the videos they made at the time but now sees how it was wrong that he did a video celebrating her turning 18 and peeing on him
*Says Shane isn't in the top 5 of men who have taken advantage of her and that she has tried to reach out but he did not respond. Talks a little about Kody Co and some unnamed YouTube who she met when she was 15 and he was 25.
*Calls out Morgan for negatively responding and says she is entitled to speak her peace. (I can't really speak on this because I wasn't around in the era but it sounds like she is starting to process how many predatory adults took advantage of her when she was a literal child)

*Teases an episode of BS she recently filmed with Paige about pet peeves and decides she wants to do a segment on things she loves.

**** obligatory wisdom tooth mention****
*Talks about podcasts she loves, and got into Giggly Squad while convalescing and she is now obsessed with Giggly Squad (meh) She used to fall asleep to Theo Vonn and before that Impulsive (💀)
*Licking fingers after white cheddar Goldfish ( my stomach flipped thinking about her nail sludge mixed with goldfish powder)
*Corded earbuds ( I have been a corded girl since day one and will never give them up)
*Egg beatering in the pool ( it's called treading water babe)
*Nara Smith’s interview on Call Her Daddy
*Working out for health versus body dysmorphia
*Talks about making new habits and references the book Atomic Habits (but the way she is describing creating new habits makes me believe she hasn't read the book because that is not the method described in the book)
*Wearing robes
*Moving your face, says she is done overdoing it with Botox (mmmkay)
*Dr. Pepper (obviously and add) says she didn't even like soda until Dr. P's strawberries and cream
*Cutting her split ends (she most definitely still has extensions but her hair is looking very nice)
*ADHD hacks to get motivated like playing music
*Balconies and touching grass
*Reading autobiographies

*Tana has been going through her storage unit and found her arrest report from Coachella. Reads some of the highlights from the report
*Told the police officer she only had one sip of her Red Bull vodka
*A fan recognized her while in cuffs and it was noted in the arrest report
*shows two of the black and white pics from the arrest in the report.

*Wraps up the episode with a typical Tana growth tangent. And asks again if she should interview the Incel (NO!!)

Hope you all enjoyed this bonkers BS breakdown. If there are any witches in the BS community? Can we cast a spell to keep The Incel far away from us?