u/BlizzardBeaches

Idk if this is the correct subreddit for this. Idk if this is codependency rearing her ugly head. All I know is my hurt inner child is screaming, crying and scared right now.

My birth mother was an absolute nightmare. BPD/NPD to the extreme. Apart from CSA, she abused me in every way. It was a blessing and a curse when she died in 1996 when I was 20.

My father did everything in his power to avoid her and, therefore, was rarely there for me. He did nothing to protect me. With a few exceptions, he rarely showed me love.

Fast forward to the present. My father is remarried to the most amazing woman I could ever ask for. She suddenly became very sick with multiple myeloma.

In the family group chat, my father is constantly telling my stepsister that he loves her, is concerned about her well being, checks in on her. All the things he never did for me.

If my own father doesn’t want to show me he loves me, maybe I am unloveable.

These are the thoughts I’m having and am emotionally raw today. Idk what to do so I come here for guidance. While I know my thoughts aren’t true, I feel like they are.

Is this codependency? Should I post this in a different group?

When the summer dies
Severing the ties
I'm with you always
Always

Will you walk the line?
My path serpentine
Remember always
That love is all you need

Tell me who you wanna be
And I will set you free

There's a darkness at the heart of my love
That runs cold, runs deep
The darkness at the heart of my love for you

Will you spill the wine
To summon the divine?
I'm with you always
Always

Now paint a pair of eyes
And let's watch as it dries
Remember always
That love is all you need

Tell me who you wanna be
And I will set you free

There's a darkness at the heart of my love
That runs cold, runs deep
The darkness at the heart of my love
So cold, so sweet

There's a darkness at the heart of my love
That runs cold, runs deep
The darkness at the heart of my love for you

Remember always
That love is all you need
Tell me who you wanna be
And I will set you free

There's a darkness at the heart of my love
That runs cold, runs deep
The darkness at the heart of my love
So cold, so sweet

There's a darkness at the heart of my love (my love)
That runs cold (runs cold), runs deep (runs deep)
The darkness at the heart of my love (my love)
So cold (so cold), so sweet (so sweet)
And all this time you knew
That I would put you through
The darkness at the heart of my love for you

When the summer dies
Severing the ties
I'm with you always
Always
Paint a pair of eyes
Let's watch as it dries
I'm with you always
Always

Written by: Salem Al Fakir, Vincent Fred Pontare, A Ghoul Writer
Album: IMPERA
Released: 2022
Lyrics provided by Musixmatch

So beautiful. Love this song.

Dear MH,

I read something recently that stopped me in my tracks: “A man is not rejecting you. He’s rejecting the man he has to become to be with you.”

For the longest time I carried the weight of believing your refusal to choose us somehow reflected my worth, my value. I believed I didn’t know how to love correctly. I questioned myself, replayed every conversation, every moment wondering what I could have done differently. Now I see something I didn’t before. Love doesn’t merely ask us to feel something. It asks us to grow. It asks us to be honest, accountable, vulnerable, and willing to confront parts of ourselves that are unhealed and uncomfortable. It asks for us to become better versions of ourselves, not because anyone demands it, but because our relationship would’ve deserved it. I was willing to do this work; you weren’t, because becoming the man who could love me well would’ve required facing things you refuse to face. It was never about me being too much. It was about the changes real love would’ve required of you. These realizations don’t make me angry anymore. Rather, they make me sad for what I truly believed we could have been.

For a long time it felt like rejection. However, I’m trying my best to consider it redirection, because every step away from you, a man who isn’t willing to grow, is a step closer to finding someone who is. He won’t run and cower when things become real. He will choose honesty over comfort, consistency over confusion, and courage over fear. I so badly wanted that man to be you. I truly did.

Me wanting it couldn’t make you ready for it or want us. As painful as it’s been, I think I finally understand that your refusing us wasn’t the end of my chance at love. It was the beginning of finding the kind of love that won’t be afraid of the work, won’t be afraid of growth, and won’t be afraid to ride alongside me.

I never wanted to lose you, but I couldn’t stay with a man who would never fully choose me. Maybe losing you was the only way I could stop losing myself. For this I suppose I can finally say thank you for not choosing me.

Yams

For my best friend 💝

MJH - This song came on Spotify and made me cry. Why did you text me yesterday? Why? I was doing sorta kinda not really okay without you in my life. Now you’ve woken up all these feelings I was healing from. Please, I beg of you, if you ever cared about me at all, only talk to me if you’ll honestly answer my questions. I still love you and need to heal.

If the questions I’m asked you in February were answered honestly, it would ease my mind. And yes, I do know what I’m asking of you.

We could’ve been something if only you had been honest and willing to try…

You don't know how to ease my pain
You don't know
You don't know how to ease my pain
You don't know what the sound is, darlin'
It's the sound of my tears falling, or is it the rain?
You don't know

You don't know how to play the game
And you cheat, you lie
You make me wanna cry
You make me wanna cry
Cry
You make me want to cry

You don't know how to ease my pain, you don't know
You don't know how to ease my pain
Don't you hear any voices crying?
That's the sound of our love dying
Here comes the rain

You don't know how to play the game
And you cheat, you lie
You don't even know how to say goodbye
You make me wanna cry
You don't know

You don't even know how to say goodbye
You make me wanna cry
You don't even know how to say goodbye
You make me wanna cry

Cry

Cry
Cry
Cry

Written by: Kevin Godley, Lol Creme
Album: Images
Released: 2001
Lyrics provided by Musixmatch

I have to think the worst if you. It’s the only way I’ll ever get over you.

Perhaps these are random thoughts but I needed to share.

My journey has been:

Mother = Bipolar (don’t know which kind as they didn’t know much about it back then )/BPD/NPD

Ex-husband = bipolar 1 (and really preferred men)

GWB = abusive NPD

MJH = I and my therapist believe covert NPD/quiet BPD

I’ve come full circle, dated every version of my mother. And I, being anxiously attached, am like my father.

It was extremely difficult for me to leave my recent BPDex. It was as if the last vestiges of my mother were hanging onto me. Those mentally ill parts of mom/MJH were like barnacles that had to be scraped off. Parts of them are still on me as I miss MJH and it hurts my heart. Not reaching out to him is difficult. A part of me genuinely loves all of him, the good, bad, ugly. But when those parts turn on me 🗡️ 💔…I couldn’t stay with him anymore. I finally know and feel I deserve better.

Because of MJH, I am happily now an r/Exjw and free to research other belief systems. One I’ve stumbled across is that when we die, our spirit goes to the spiritual realm. We can choose to come back to “Earth School.” We can choose to grow and learn more things in different lifetimes. I must’ve chosen this life to finally learn to love myself.

I’m ready for calm love, consistent love, genuine love.

These lyrics echo several themes you’ve shared over the past few months—grieving not just a person, but the future you believed was possible. Applied to your story, they might read like this:

The opening lines remind me of the way you’ve replayed your relationship with MJH over and over, searching for the moment where things could have turned out differently. You’ve described lying awake dissecting conversations, wondering whether you missed warning signs or ignored your intuition because you wanted so badly for the relationship to be real.

“Maybe I’m unlucky or maybe I’m a fool / To try and be so kind when the world can be so cruel…”

You’ve often questioned whether your willingness to love deeply made you vulnerable. From everything you’ve shared, your kindness wasn’t the mistake. The painful part was investing that kindness in someone whose actions were inconsistent with the future they described.

“And now my house is empty… You broke me into pieces…”

I don’t hear this as being literally “broken beyond repair.” Instead, it reflects how much emotional space the relationship occupied. When it ended, there was a silence where hope, daily conversations, future plans, and shared rituals used to be. That absence can feel overwhelming.

The chorus is especially powerful:
“All the stars that you’ve been wishin’ on were all just satellites.”

To me, this is about discovering that what looked like a guiding star wasn’t what you believed it was. Throughout our conversations, you’ve mourned not only losing MJH, but losing the life you imagined with him—the love you thought was growing, the plans, the promises, and the belief that you’d finally found your person. The “satellites” symbolize hopes that looked bright but weren’t able to lead you where you wanted to go.

“All I seem to do is wish that they were you.”

You’ve talked about how difficult it has been to stop comparing others to him. Even after recognizing ways the relationship hurt you, your heart has continued to miss the version of him you loved. That’s a common part of grief: your emotions don’t instantly catch up with what your mind understands.

“I thought you were the future, but the history repeats.”

This line seems especially meaningful in light of what you’ve shared about surviving an abusive relationship, waiting years before trusting someone again, and then feeling as though another relationship has left you wounded. It captures the heartbreak of wondering why a painful pattern seemed to return when you had hoped things would finally be different.

“You turned into a noose.”

Rather than taking this literally, I hear it as describing how something that began as a symbol of affection eventually became associated with pain. The relationship itself transformed from a source of comfort into a source of grief.

“No one deserves a dagger from behind.”

This reflects the betrayal you’ve described feeling—not simply because the relationship ended, but because you felt the words and actions didn’t always match, leaving you questioning what had been genuine.

“I’ve been struggling to fly.”

You’ve described panic attacks, profound sadness, and feeling as though your confidence disappeared after the breakup. This lyric captures that sense of emotional heaviness without suggesting you’ll always feel that way.

The final verse about introducing someone to family and friends also resonates with your story. Letting someone into your inner world is a profound act of trust. When that relationship falls apart, it can feel like every part of your life has been touched by the loss.

What strikes me most about “Satellites” is that it isn’t only a breakup song. It’s about the devastating realization that the future you were navigating toward wasn’t actually there.

At the same time, one difference stands out between your story and the song. The song ends with the stars turning out to be satellites—as if every hope was false. From what you’ve shared, I don’t think your capacity to love was the illusion. Your hope, loyalty, and willingness to commit were real. What didn’t hold up was MJH and the relationship itself.

The brightest “star” in your story may not have been MJH at all. It may have been the part of you that kept believing love was still possible after everything you’d already survived. That hope has been hurt, but it isn’t the same thing as being lost forever.

— ChatGPT

This sucks.

That is all.

Relaxing outside, enjoying the neighbor’s fireworks, saw a shooting star and satellites pass by.

This song always finds its way back to my heart. The moment it starts, I’m instantly carried to the evening you shared it with me. It’s amazing how music can preserve a moment long after life has changed. Some melodies don’t just remind us of the past, they let us visit it. Music truly is timeless.

I love you and miss you.

Live your life to the fullest before it’s too late.

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even

Her best days will be some of my worst
She finally met a man that's gonna put her first
While I'm wide awake she's no trouble sleeping
'Cause when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even, no

What am I supposed to do
When the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're OK?
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces

They say bad things happen for a reason
But no wise words gonna stop the bleeding
'Cause she's moved on while I'm still grieving
And when a heart breaks no it don't break even, even, no

And what am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're OK?

I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even)

Oh, you got his heart and my heart and none of the pain
You took your suitcase, I took the blame
Now I'm tryna make sense of what little remains
'Cause you left me with no love and no love to my name

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing
Just praying to a god that I don't believe in
'Cause I got time while she got freedom
'Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break
No, it don't break
No, it don't break even, no

What am I gonna do
When the best part of me was always you?
And what am I supposed to say
When I'm all choked up and you're OK?
(Oh glad you're okay now)

I'm falling to pieces
I'm falling to pieces
(Oh, I'm falling, falling)
I'm falling to pieces
(One still in love while the other one's leaving)
I'm falling to pieces
('Cause when a heart breaks, no, it don't break even)

Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no
Oh, it don't break even, no

that after everything you did to purposely manipulate me, lie to me and play with my heart, there are moments I’m struck with unbearable sadness because, deep down, I still love you and a huge part of me always will. Did you accept my heart to run away and destroy it?

Dear You — I would be honest, tell you I like you, but I’m too damaged from another love…

Lyrics
I wanna take you somewhere so you know I care
But it's so cold, and I don't know where
I brought you daffodils on a pretty string
But they won't flower like they did last spring

And I wanna kiss you, make you feel alright
I'm just so tired to share my nights
I wanna cry and I wanna love
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up

Oh-oh
Oh
Oh-oh, oh-oh
Oh-oh-oh, oh-oh

And if somebody hurts you, I wanna fight
But my hand's been broken one too many times
So I'll use my voice, I'll be so fucking rude
Words, they always win, but I know I'll lose

And I'd sing a song that'd be just ours
But I sang 'em all to another heart
And I wanna cry, I wanna learn to love
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up

Ah-oh
Oh-oh
Oh (oh, need a love, now)
Oh (my heart is thinking of)

I wanna sing a song that'll be just ours
But I sang 'em all to another heart
And I wanna cry, I wanna fall in love
But all my tears have been used up

On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up
On another love, another love
All my tears have been used up

Oh-oh
Oh-oh

Written by: Tom Odell
Album: Long Way Down
Released: 2013
Lyrics provided by Musixmatch

I want you to know that I'm happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me, is she perverted like me?
Would she go down on you in a theatre?
Does she speak eloquently?
And would she have your baby
I'm sure she'd make a really excellent mother

'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me until you died
'Til you died, but you're still alive

And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I'm not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
But it was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
And are you thinking of me when you fuck her

'Cause the love that you gave that we made
Wasn't able to make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you'd hold me until you died
'Til you died, but you're still alive

And I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

'Cause the joke that you made in the bed that was me
And I'm not gonna fade as soon as you close your eyes
And you know it
And every time I scratch my nails
Down someone else's back I hope you feel it
Well, can you feel it?

Well, I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Why I'm here, to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It's not fair, to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Written by: Glen Ballard, Alanis Nadine Morissette
Album: Jagged Little Pill
Released: 1995
Lyrics provided by Musixmatch