u/ButterscotchGlum4234

I’m 18F and have always been mentally ill. Like I never could regulate my emotions even as a little kid. One of my earliest memories is me writing on a toy box how much I wanted to die. I was maybe like 6. What six year old wants to be dead. I don’t understand how no one got me help.
I’m diagnosed MDD and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. I’m on 150 mg of sertraline, 100 mg of lamotrigine, and 10 mg of hydroxyzine (for panic attacks).
I am so so sure I have bpd and I’ve talked to my therapist and she’s really trying to get me to accept cptsd as what’s going on. Maybe she’s right but I’ve looked up soooo much stuff about it and cptsd doesn’t seem like me. Maybe a few symptoms but like I don’t have nightmares, flashbacks, trauma induced anxiety, or like any of that stuff. I think I’ve had one panic attack that was from trauma. Like when I have panic attacks it’s because of the outside stimuli. Like yeah I think about some of the stuff I went through but like I mean like I can still have conversations with my cousin who SA’d me as a kid. But I stopped going to school my senior year because I kept getting panic attacks when I was there from the students and teacher I had.
But like with the cptsd vs bpd how do I get my therapist to believe me? I think she’s scared to diagnose bpd because personality disorders are stigmatized and also she’s mainly a pediatric psychologist. I have a psychiatrist as well but she just does my medications.
I love my therapist so much but like this shit ain’t workin queen. Could be just that we don’t match correctly. Maybe talk therapy just doesn’t work for me. I just feel like maybe she isn’t equipped to deal with the amount of insane I actually am.
And like when I go to therapy it’s like I don’t actually talk about anything. Like it’s just so hard to tell any doctor. I also am told to journal but anytime I try to I just start degrading myself.
Also, I literally cannot take care of myself at all. I don’t shower, I don’t brush my teeth, I wear the same clothes for days, I barely eat, I don’t drink water.
And I mean I have an amazing boyfriend who turns 18 tomorrow and I love him so much. He says he understands my bpd but when I get into an episode or a split he just gets upset with me. And like I know it has to be difficult to deal with this but usually I just ask him for comfort and he just gets upset with me.
His parents are pieces of shit. His mom has npd. And I’m not saying people with npd are bad but she won’t accept anything and she won’t take any accountability. She’s not bad because she has npd. She just has the golden child and scapegoat dynamic. My boyfriend also won’t accept that she treats them so vastly different it is insane.
He was seeing it for a minute and then he found out his dad was cheating on his mom so now his dad is the bad guy so his mom is the good one right now.
The other day I tried opening up about how my best friend is my FP and I’m extremely jealous right now because our friend who was 100% sure he is gay has a crush on my friend who is a girl.
And like I don’t understand why her and not me. Like I love my boyfriend and I don’t want to date anyone else but god damn it hurts so bad when they give each other attention. I hate it. I also hate that I’m like this. I really am happy for them because they are both such amazing people and they do have amazing chemistry and I love them both so much.
Im open to other ideas of what it is. Sorry it’s so long. 🫶

I’m 18 f and have been extremely depressed for my entire conscious life but I’m thinking bpd. That’s not super important to this but wanted to put in some context.

I struggle so bad with taking care of myself and my space. I know I need to clean, shower, and brush my teeth. Why is it so hard?

I was never made to brush my teeth as a child and now as an adult I just like can’t. I hate it so much and I *want* to clean I *want* to shower I *want* to brush my teeth.

I feel like I definitely stink, my apartment with my mom and sister stinks because thy don’t clean either. I just don’t get what’s so hard about it.

I’ve tried talking to my therapist but I don’t think I’m good at talking to her tbh.

I know I need dbt but I don’t think I can get into a dbt program locally until I get diagnosed.

Idk if anyone has any tips on how to trick my brain into taking care of me that’d be lovely!