u/CrazyStarlight

Hello! I’m part of a system and I tend to be the “organizing/stabilizing” self-state, focused on planning, containment, and keeping day-to-day functioning steady during high stress or complexity. You can call me Rich (he/they)

Anyway. I am looking into getting reevaluated for DID. We were diagnosed but it's been years and before things happened mentally. We have schizoaffective disorder with bipolar and anxiety, so it's managed with medication. I reached out to my medication provider for a referral for testing while also reevaluate the medications, and the med management team said that they focus more on symptoms. Which, fair. It got me thinking. What does medication look like for you guys, if any?

For us, our primary med is an antipsychotic for the hallucinations and delusions and mood management. This is along a mood stabilizer and antidepressants.

To be clear, I want to overexplain that DID doesn't go away with medication, in my experience, it's more for comorbid disorders and symptoms, in our case the psychotic ones.

Hello

I was watching informational videos. Suddenly I felt small and desire to be comforted and have simple soft things. I went down different hole, watching silly animal videos. I felt a whiplash of "reality", of "this is stupid." I have conflicting emotions. One is vulnerable, one is emotionless and cold in a protective way to keep from "going too far". I understand both feelings.

Looking for reassurance and relatability.

Hello, previously dx DID here. I'm reevaluating my diagnosis, as I originally dismissed it when I had a psychosis episode and since diagnosed with a psychosis disorder, and the dissociation got easier. However I still have symptoms, albeit more manageable. So I am looking into it again.

My primary question is in how presentation can show in a way that is not obvious, otherwise more convert than what we see and know.

So, disclaimer, I am in the gray area in terms of diagnosis. I was previously professionally diagnosed with DID, MID and all. I since was diagnosed with a psychosis disorder, and I asked to disregard the DID diagnosis on the paperwork with my at the time black and white thinking. However, the struggles and emotions never went away, at most, the more overt went more covert. So I am Schrödinger's system/single right now, not claiming I do or don't have it. If this gray area is problematic or rule breaking, feel free to have this post removed.

But anyway, the actual reason I want to post.

I was looking for a therapist in my area who takes telehealth. The only one that was available in my area that was remotely appropriate for my case was my old therapist and their private practice, who the only reason I dropped was just scheduling difficulties and accidental ghosting. That being said while I want to see my old therapist, I wanted a fresh perspective so I asked for a similar but different therapist (bonus points, art therapy!) When going though intake paperwork, I saw the old paperwork; session notes for insurance reasons, diagnosis and treatment plans, etc. I went down the rabbit hole of reading the old notes.

It was enough to destabilize me. I was the most dissociated I've been in a long time. I was remembering what that time was like, where I was first diagnosed with first DID, and then shortly after psychosis, and the circumstances around that. Memories flooded back when they were previously contained or blocked off. I felt like I was accessing a part of the filing cabinet that was deep within and buried at best, and locked off at worst. The feelings were so alien to me. I was sobbing but the sobbing was fully dissociated with disorientation and mild confusion. I had severe depersonalization; I saw my hands, including my left with a start of a tattoo sleeve, and I barely recognized the tattoo, maybe at best recognized a different version of it back when it wasn't a cover up/correction to the current version. Emotions were so foreign that I truly didn't understand why I was hyperventilating.

I calmed down since, but everything about rereading the records of what I was experiencing was forcing myself to reconnect with a period of my life where it was heavily compartmentalized for a long time. I guess the lesson of the story, be careful of how deep you go into the past without support. I just wanted space to process this.

This is a week ago, so I had the time to reflect and manage the big feelings, so it's not as fueled as it could be.

I was "dating" this person. I say that because we were an aromantic-alloromantic relationship and were both cool with that. I am a aromantic who is at worst indifferent to romance coded things, my partner was all over me and felt like they worshiped me. I didn't mind that, both of our needs were met, I reciprocated their romance, they were cool with me being aro and my expectations were different in that I like romance just don't feel the attraction. For the sake of this we'll call this a QPR, as this was my side of my view of the relationship, but equally they were my partner in the traditional sense (boyfriend/girlfriend, but not gendering this to keep identifiers anonymous).

All that is the context that barely adds to it in this case. So why did they broke up with me?

Well. It's something petty and hurtful that I will probably never understand. It was a week ago, and I was going to message them after a more quiet period to check in on them and reciprocate their want for romance (not uncomfortable for me as stated before.) I come to see that I was unable to have messages send though. I assumed the best, maybe something was wrong with that app, so I went to a different app to send a message. I was unable to find them on that app. Likewise for another app, unable to send a message on the last app. This was out of nowhere by my point of view.

That was I made the assumption, they ghosted me and moved on. I was ruminating on what happened. I worry that the quiet period was enough to signal to them "I don't want you", I worry that the aromantic lack of genuine feelings, and the romantic reciprocation was not enough even though my way to show love was romantic coded in a lot of ways, and I worried that my flavor of autism did something offensive or wrong even though both of us were autistic; I just struggled more outwardly with social supports rotating around my diagnosis while they didn't or would at best barely qualify if they did seek it out.

I vented to one friend, a supportive ally who don't really get my aromanticism and calls our thing boyfriend/partner. They said that "ghosting is cringe" and "that's fucked." A few days later, I vented to another friend. They were able to give some insight from their side. Partner was saying that I hated disabled people.

Now, lets back up. This partner has a visible disability, they use accommodations to function day to day, unlike me where everything is invisible, primarily mental health and a treated pain disorder. We connected because we both had "disability rights" as our tags on the dating app we connected on. I asked what they had and some follow up questions to get to know them. We connected deeper over that. And when we were making big plans for our future, I kept their disability in mind. Dream houses were disability friendly, we'd work together to make sure they are able to have access to resources such as awareness that our bus system is not the most disability friendly for them. Hell, as weird as it sounds, I romanticized the idea of being an "inter-able couple" (even though it's more invisible-visible able couple). I liked the idea of being supportive for them. Even if I didn't romanticized everything about their disability, I was willing to treat them like a person that happens to be disabled, not treat them differently.

So to find out that they ghosted and blocked me to say publicly that I am ableist. That hurts. I'd feel better just being called a slur. I wish they were able to talk to me about how I was ableist to them. When talking to my friend who already followed them, they said that this is a pattern, they are in the wrong crowd. They said and interpreted that disabled people are angels and deserve pity because of having a disability. Friend was describing this as a "woe is me" as a way to stir up drama and get the pity they are looking for, and that I wasn't worshiping them as being a disabled angel.

Now, to me this is all speculation and assumptions, I never saw the posts myself, nor do I want to because it'd make me more bitter if proven right. I trust my friend though, and the respect they had to lay it on me. The emotions I felt was on the spectrum of anger, with a gross taste in my mouth metaphorically. I do not tolerate entitlement. I lost any feelings I did as a QPR and would have if I was alloromantic. I do not tolerate entitlement, and publicly dissing me and ghosting an blocking me to do so instead of any level of confrontation was bonus points. If they had feelings in reality, it is disproportionate in my view, as I don't even know where this is coming from.

It's been long enough since finding out that I moved on, especially since loosing feelings instead of rumination. The reason for this post was just to get it off my chest so I can move on. As much as I want to be public the same way they have been, I don't want to "stoop to their level". I did want some closure, so hence this anonymous to who this person is post in not a big subreddit.

I am always shopping around for a new notebook, it's one of the things I spurge money on, along with other stationary. So I'm curious, what is your favorite notebook overall? How is it your favorite, or what makes it better than other notebooks in your mind? (Bonus point, where's the shop link if you got it online, and is more niche?)

I personally, thus far in my limited experience (due to finance) love the Moleskine XL Hardcover Dotted XL.

• The near b5 size. It is my preferred size of paper. It's bigger, without being overwhelming, and if I am overwhelmed, it's easy to split the page in half and still write comfortably on each half, as it's like a longer traveler's notebook x4 pages wide.
• I like the slight cream color, of the paper. Pure white can be bold especially when you are outside on a sunny day.
• The elastic closure loop. I walk around with it in my bag, and the elastic loop keeps it closed, making me feel more secure that it'll stay closed without unwanted damage to the pages.
• The dot page. It's my standard next to but greater than a grid page. Here the dots are a standard near .25 inch squared per dot. Not too dark so it just blends in including on the cream colored pages, so you can scan the pages without overwhelming dots. It's not too light so it helps with layout alignment if (and usually) lay out the pages to a grid.
• The page-marker ribbon. I've been relying on using this to the last page I used, or the most important page. That being said, I am envious of the leuchtturm1917 bullet journal edition where they have 3 ribbons built in and would by it in a heartbeat if it was in a b5, I attached 3 ribbons on my moleskine
• The page thickness. I go back and forth on this, and right now I am positive leaning neutral on this. It is not printer paper at least. Even if it was, it's "fancy" enough otherwise where I am able to play around with it. I would like roughly, 110-120 GSM paper personally, assuming 110 exists outside a niche art paper world. That being said, outside of wanting an option of going ham on markers, it's thick enough for my use.
• It's the more affordable premium and name brand option near me for what it is. I do want to try other brands, but it feels riskier if hate it. This is good enough for the price.
• Non-numbered pages. I like to rip out pages once in a while if I really mess up a page or if it causes issues in my mind, or want to reuse the notebook if I don't want what's present in the notebook. Page numbers would make it feel like it's out of order if I were to rip a page here or there. (I do not rip out a whole book, I try to do it non-destructively as possible.)
• And it's a hardbound bound book. I go back and forth on a bound book, and the Kokuyo Campus spiral binder/notebook hybrid thing. I am currently in the bound book phase. The binder/spiral notebook is too flexible in that you can change the page order. The hardcover is bonus points as it adds to the protection.
• The back expandable pocket is nice, albeit I haven't thought of a use for it.

The only things I'd really change:

• As previously mentioned, more page marker ribbons. I would otherwise use paper-ish sticky note -like page markers tabs, and with the quantity I have i would get carried away, and worry about destroying the page and/or the tabs if I travel.
• And as previously mentioned, slightly thicker paper. ~70 GSM feels a little thin, albeit workable for my usage as a primarily pen user, I'd like to use inkier gel pens without worrying about bleeding, feathering, or ghosting.

So if you have recommendations that are under $20 per book, I am open to hearing thoughts on alternatives as well.

I am someone who is working with ECCM's autism program, and I got limited funding to spend yearly for help connecting in the community. As a walking bound person living outside the city, most of this will go towards travel. However, I want to use this as an opportunity to have a reason to travel within the nearer tri-state area to Erie, preferring to stay within the county and further preferring explore the Erie city since growing up rarely going deep in the city. I am uncreative when it comes to recreation further than Waldameer, Splash Lagoon, the Zoo, and maybe a museum or two. I am looking for ideas, anything interesting around here this season?

I am a diagnosed with schizoaffective, so I am seeking opinions from people with a similar diagnosis, telling me if there is any of this on the schizophrenia spectrum, or, what I am more certain, it's own thing. As well as some words from people who both on the schizophrenia spectrum and dissociation. Not seeking any diagnosis, as I am going to ask my psychs about this, just curious on any thoughts on it. I will say it's a long post as I've been sitting on this for a while.

Disclaimer aside. I was diagnosed with what I am now labeled as schizoaffective disorder back in 2023. For the majority of 2021-22, I was certain I had DID, and was being treated for as such. Since being diagnosed, the majority of "the voices" calmed down, at least the ones that were clearly outside of me, environmental based, not an extension of me. I have been on some form of an antipsychotic since 2023 which majorly helped, but not erased what I have been experiencing.

What I know for sure is psychosis is the feelings and experiences where it's intrusive and external, it messes with my sense of reality. I hear things outside of me clear as day. Sometimes internally as well if it was distantly not me, like hearing my boss's voice echo in my head.

But that doesn't track for everything, at least I don't think so and doesn't make sense so. The "voices" that felt more internalized or in my head were protective factors for me. The "voices" were safe. I even look back fondly to that time, admits the reality bending and the assumed heavy psychosis, that there was something in the dark corners of my mind that felt safe to hide in. I worded that carefully to not be pro-dissociation, but it was my truth. Wasn't all grand, obviously. There was also dissociation with myself and my surroundings. I have never felt such a disconnect before that was on par to that time in my life. Admittedly, that's where I confuse dissociation and psychosis.

In current day. I experience all that still, but on a significantly lesser scale. I experience breakthrough psychosis from time to time, true. I come to ask about the ladder though. I still feel that protective factor in the back of my mind, my little dark corner. I experience feelings about myself and reality, in a way that doesn't feel like a distortion or anything abnormal, but rather, distant, and then, and only then, I recede to the back of my mind, and I feel safe, like a community of me, and I feel the most one.

Some other things I have been tracking is that I never felt in my body. My voice surprises me, reflection doesn't seem right, speech and wording would feel out of character. There's also an emotional split; I would feel things internally, but my behavior continues in a detached way. I'd just be like an NPC or an observer with lack of agency. I would still function, but I just wouldn't be all there. I would just shut down or take a nap to regain sense of control.

Occasionally, as I mentioned, it would start to blur into psychosis symptoms on bad days like hallucinations, and I'd worry I would be slipping again. I still have insight to still question my reality, but it's hard to feel grounded, like a loose string.

This has been a life long thing for me, that fluctuates in intensity.

Currently, I am diagnosed with PTSD as well. It could be that. I am in middle of a medication switch from Abilify to Invega. It could be that as well. I don't know, what are some thoughts?

I discovered I have a shellfish allergy at 19 after a prior lifetime of friends and family not liking seafood, institutions weary of allergies, etc. Since then, now almost 25, I had a repeatable relatively mild symptoms of an allergy, gastrointestinal issues similar to food poisoning, and headaches when smelling a bulk amount of shellfish (I was a chef as my first job and learned all this the hard way.) However, unfortunately, I really enjoy the few instances I am near or consuming shellfish outside of the side effects.

So I ask, with cravings but not wanting metaphorical death, what can I do to satisfy those wants? The most I know and have done is substitution crab meat in sushi, I tried it, liked it, and didn't vomit. I wonder about similar options, especially my biggest offender, shrimp.

The other day, I saw on here and/or on the schizophrenia subreddit someone asking about just the antipsychotics. Considering how broad of a range of medications us schizoaffective peeps are, I want to ask basically the same question, but open it up to antidepressants, mood stabilizers, similar psych meds for secondary conditions/side effects, etc.

If other, let me know!

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