u/Dallton_MD

Analogy : You are looking to buy a phone. You want the best camera. You search far and above and find one phone with the best camera and buy it. Later as you use it, you realise the phone's battery life is poor. Now you start complaining about the battery life. But hey, while you were searching for the phone, you never cared about the battery life. All you were worried was about the camera. So, now there is no point or logic in complaining about the battery life. You get what you choose.

Based on my observation, I understand this is how our marriages work - both love and arranged ones.

Though we say a good relationship is based on 'love, care, understanding, respect, emotional availability', we don't really care about these while we search for a match. When we search for a match, we only care about the conventional criteria such as 'caste, subcaste, religion, horoscope, wealth, social status, money, dowry, height, weight, colour, hair'.

Since we choose our matches based on conventional criteria, there is no point or logic in expecting 'love, care, understanding, respect, emotional availability' in the marriage. We can complaint only about the criteria on which we chose our matches.

I used to feel sorry when I came across complaints of dowry, abuse, harassment, toxicity, disrespect - on both female and male sides. But now, I feel less sorry for them. They chose their matches (both love and arranged) based on conventional criteria for their convenience and advantage. They get what they choose.

I want to point out, people are not that innocent or naive or weak. People, make their choices based on what gives them advantage and what is convenient. Though they may blame the society, family, parents for their choices, they are not totally helpless. They know what they choose.

Even here you could have seen many match seeking posts mentioning that they look for a match in their same 'community, religion, social bracket, wealth bracket' and justifying this by saying 'it is only to satisfy their parents'. Hey, if you choose to satisfy your parents, good, enjoy! But let us be clear, it is not a marriage out of love and respect. It is a marriage of convenience.

I am not going to say, people can't do this. It is each individual's right to choose what they want. All I am saying is, if you are choosing based on conventional criteria, you also get to face the consequences of that choice. It is a package deal. You can't sow wheat and expect to reap corn. You get what you deserve.

When do we realise that we only get what we choose?

Analogy : You are looking to buy a phone. You want the best camera. You search far and above and find one phone with the best camera and buy it. Later as you use it, you realise the phone's battery life is poor. Now you start complaining about the battery life. But hey, while you were searching for the phone, you never cared about the battery life. All you were worried was about the camera. So, now there is no point or logic in complaining about the battery life. You get what you choose.

Based on my observation, I understand this is how our marriages work - both love and arranged ones.

Though we say a good relationship is based on 'love, care, understanding, respect, emotional availability', we don't really care about these while we search for a match. When we search for a match, we only care about the conventional criteria such as 'caste, subcaste, religion, horoscope, wealth, social status, money, dowry, height, weight, colour, hair'.

Since we choose our matches based on conventional criteria, there is no point or logic in expecting 'love, care, understanding, respect, emotional availability' in the marriage. We can complaint only about the criteria on which we chose our matches.

I used to feel sorry when I came across complaints of dowry, abuse, harassment, toxicity, disrespect - on both female and male sides. But now, I feel less sorry for them. They chose their matches (both love and arranged) based on conventional criteria for their convenience and advantage. They get what they choose.

I want to point out, people are not that innocent or naive or weak. People, make their choices based on what gives them advantage and what is convenient. Though they may blame the society, family, parents for their choices, they are not totally helpless. They know what they choose.

Even here you could have seen many match seeking posts mentioning that they look for a match in their same 'community, religion, social bracket, wealth bracket' and justifying this by saying 'it is only to satisfy their parents'. Hey, if you choose to satisfy your parents, good, enjoy! But let us be clear, it is not a marriage out of love and respect. It is a marriage of convenience.

I am not going to say, people can't do this. It is each individual's right to choose what they want. All I am saying is, if you are choosing based on conventional criteria, you also get to face the consequences of that choice. It is a package deal. You can't sow wheat and expect to reap corn. You get what you deserve.

Analogy : You are looking to buy a phone. You want the best camera. You search far and above and find one phone with the best camera and buy it. Later as you use it, you realise the phone's battery life is poor. Now you start complaining about the battery life. But hey, while you were searching for the phone, you never cared about the battery life. All you were worried was about the camera. So, now there is no point or logic in complaining about the battery life. You get what you choose.

Based on my observation, I understand this is how our marriages work - both love and arranged ones.

Though we say a good relationship is based on 'love, care, understanding, respect, emotional availability', we don't really care about these while we search for a match. When we search for a match, we only care about the conventional criteria such as 'caste, subcaste, religion, horoscope, wealth, social status, money, dowry, height, weight, colour, hair'.

Since we choose our matches based on conventional criteria, there is no point or logic in expecting 'love, care, understanding, respect, emotional availability' in the marriage. We can complaint only about the criteria on which we chose our matches.

I used to feel sorry when I came across complaints of dowry, abuse, harassment, toxicity, disrespect - on both female and male sides. But now, I feel less sorry for them. They chose their matches (both love and arranged) based on conventional criteria for their convenience and advantage. They get what they choose.

I want to point out, people are not that innocent or naive or weak. People, make their choices based on what gives them advantage and what is convenient. Though they may blame the society, family, parents for their choices, they are not totally helpless. They know what they choose.

Even here you could have seen many match seeking posts mentioning that they look for a match in their same 'community, religion, social bracket, wealth bracket' and justifying this by saying 'it is only to satisfy their parents'. Hey, if you choose to satisfy your parents, good, enjoy! But let us be clear, it is not a marriage out of love and respect. It is a marriage of convenience.

I am not going to say, people can't do this. It is each individual's right to choose what they want. All I am saying is, if you are choosing based on conventional criteria, you also get to face the consequences of that choice. It is a package deal. You can't sow wheat and expect to reap corn. You get what you deserve.

Analogy : You are looking to buy a phone. You want the best camera. You search far and above and find one phone with the best camera and buy it. Later as you use it, you realise the phone's battery life is poor. Now you start complaining about the battery life. But hey, while you were searching for the phone, you never cared about the battery life. All you were worried was about the camera. So, now there is no point or logic in complaining about the battery life. You get what you choose.

Based on my observation, I understand this is how our marriages work - both love and arranged ones.

Though we say a good relationship is based on 'love, care, understanding, respect, emotional availability', we don't really care about these while we search for a match. When we search for a match, we only care about the conventional criteria such as 'caste, subcaste, religion, horoscope, wealth, social status, money, dowry, height, weight, colour, hair'.

Since we choose our matches based on conventional criteria, there is no point or logic in expecting 'love, care, understanding, respect, emotional availability' in the marriage. We can complaint only about the criteria on which we chose our matches.

I used to feel sorry when I came across complaints of dowry, abuse, harassment, toxicity, disrespect - on both female and male sides. But now, I feel less sorry for them. They chose their matches (both love and arranged) based on conventional criteria for their convenience and advantage. They get what they choose.

I want to point out, people are not that innocent or naive or weak. People, make their choices based on what gives them advantage and what is convenient. Though they may blame the society, family, parents for their choices, they are not totally helpless. They know what they choose.

Even here you could have seen many match seeking posts mentioning that they look for a match in their same 'community, religion, social bracket, wealth bracket' and justifying this by saying 'it is only to satisfy their parents'. Hey, if you choose to satisfy your parents, good, enjoy! But let us be clear, it is not a marriage out of love and respect. It is a marriage of convenience.

I am not going to say, people can't do this. It is each individual's right to choose what they want. All I am saying is, if you are choosing based on conventional criteria, you also get to face the consequences of that choice. It is a package deal. You can't sow wheat and expect to reap corn. You get what you deserve.

Anjali was 23 when she met Sachin who was 17 at that time.

How is this somehow cute and romantic that Anjali who was 23 at that time met and pursued a 17 year old Sachin (a six years younger minor) and got married after 5 years (when Sachin was just 22)?

Anjali has also said in an interview that she would have chased him when he was 15. Is that too considered cute and romantic?

I read this article on The Wire. Title : **We Cannot Smash Patriarchy Wthout Smashing Caste: Is Gen Z Ready?**
**Author Sarayupani says "***Any measure of feminist progress that shies away from tackling caste in India will result in rights that are eventually conditional on female participation in perpetuating the caste system, not absolute."*
She continues to say "*In a society where caste and patriarchy are inextricably intertwined, you cannot smash one, without also smashing the other*" and I agree with her.

This is my own thoughts regarding the article :
As the new gen people are protesting and working against the oppressive structures in our society, they have to be strong in fighting against caste if they really want to smash patriarchy. Both women and men, who want to get rid of patriarchy should be united in getting rid of caste too. One can't choose only to fight patriarchy while holding on to caste.

I am not sharing the article link, because the two times I shared the article link earlier, the post was removed by the mod.

Kindly suggest good food places around Madurai (not inside the city) - in the outskirts - around 1 hr ride.

I saw some rant posts on how it is very difficult to find a good partner. In my experience I have come to an understanding that the difficulty is because people are very narrow minded.

Though many of us claim to be progressive and broad minded, when it comes to relationship / marriage, we are very narrow minded. Whether we search our partner through dating or matrimonry or in-person, we search using 1000s of filters (majority of which are unnecessary and of no value) and end up not finding anyone.

We all look for partner using the filters of 'caste-subcaste-religion-horoscope-city-wealth-profession-income-colour-weight-height-food'. And these are just the top ones of the numerous filters we use. Once we go through these filters we end up with no one.

We want a partner who checks through all these filters and we expect that person to be emotionaly intelligent, emotionaly available, good at communication, understanding, listening, caring, etc.

I have also understood that these emotional qualities are only secondary to the filters we use. If you would ask anyone here, 'what they look for in a partner?', their would only say the emotional qualities as the main criteria. While in reality, they only care about the filters.

We can also witness, a very minority of people, who are truly broad minded-truly progressive, who don't care about these unnecessary filters and who only look for the real things that matter, and these people find their partners and even travel to another continent to live with them.

And the majority - narrow minded - of us, simply keep blaming others and even those of us who find a partner through these filters, end up in a miserable marriage or divorce. I think it is deserving.