u/Depressed_lavender

One of the questions that I feel vague about is “Have you ever tried to harm yourself before?”

Does attempting but unsuccessfully fail without any significant or visible scar is still considered as one? Does harming yourself only mean skin cutting?

I tried to cut myself with a craft knife before but I ended up only scrape it against my skin, and it barely leaves any scar. Does that count or not? Another scenario I have is prolonged starvation that I did when I was a teen years ago. I eat enough to survive but not enough to stay up or function throughout the day in my class. Like, I hope at some point I would faint from starvation or die from hunger but I was not hungry enough to die. I didn't know that I was harming myself, I just don't eat because I had nobody to eat with and everything taste bland, so eating feels like a task. I just thought that it would be nice if I could just faint or die for a while because I couldn't bear living. But I never collapse. Because I always eat enough to live but never enough to have energy to do anything.

I need to know because I was getting screened by a psychiatrist and I was unsure so I said no, I never had harmed myself before.

When I first came to the clinic, I was not sure what to say or how to explain my situation. I was even unsure if I got the right place. They asked me a question. "Why are you here? What have been stressing you lately? Do you harmed yourself before?"

It's quite hard to answer these question, because when I talked it out... it makes me look like my case wasn't that bad. I also felt cringe of myself, because what do you mean you just come here because you don't have somebody to talk to? It might not sound weird if you're reading this but imagine going to a psychiatrist and said "I just don't know who to talk to."

And with someone suddenly taking my mental health answer seriously, I feel even more hesitant. It felt weird. I feel...wrong. It feels like I'm trying too hard to convince them if I straightforwardly said "I feel like I have depression, anxiety and overthinking". Besides, who am I to put this labels onto myself? So I just said "yeah, I never harmed myself...I just think about it but I never did."

Liar, I did tried it before during high school. But I was a p*ssy, so I didn't slice my skin deep enough to make it bleed. It didnt even scar. I think that wasn't enough to be considered as SH so I didn't mention that because I would look like exaggerating small things.

I was kinda worried when they set my appointment in the next two months...is my case not heavy enough? Was there somebody with a bigger case? Why is it so long? Do I not look sick?

In that one hour, I tried my best to recall what I can to proof them that I really REALLY NEED THIS HELP. But when I look back, it felt kinda silly. My stories wasn't even dramatic. Suddenly my issues felt insignificant and small compared to other things like hearing voices...harming yourself... I don't really know what is considered as SH or hearing voices tbh. I know it can't be just slicing skins or hearing "kys" in your head. Different people have different ways. And when the staff said "Oh, so your mental problems are minor, do not worry." it's supposed to be a good sign, right? So idk why I feel dissatisfied.

Today I wake up and I feel deeply frustrated. Because deep down I know it wasn't just overthinking. I spend years in this dark place alone and trying to climb my way out, overthinking felt too shallow to describe it. I don't know how exactly I should say it, but rn I want to improve myself while I'm waiting for the next appointment. I fear it would make them see my case as something even more minor if I came to them without problem or feeling well. Guh, it makes me want to stay miserable everyday so it would look even more obvious, but I know that is absolutely wrong.

If you ask me why I seek help? .... I don't know. I'm tired because I've explained and explained and described my situations so many times to many people. I don't want to retell the same stories over and over again, but oddly I want to talk about how miserable my past is. Funny, right? I want people to talk to me, but I don't want to talk to people. So weird.

Would you brush me off if I said it all started because I self-diagnosed myself as depressed when I was a kid, and from there I isolated myself on command until I realized that I couldn't talk normally without over-worrying anymore? And it spiraled me for years until it turns into real depression?

I'm not depressed. I'm not suicidal. I would tell myself over and over again. Hey me, DO NOT ROMANTICIZE MENTAL ILLNESS. Depression looks cool until it turned real, and it wasn't cool at all. A part of me thinks that all I want is just that "depression" label. Because thinking "am I depressed? Am I just overthinking?" back and forth is very exhausting and it delayed me help so badly.

But I was certain that was how I'm feeling every month...everyday...and all this year before. I'm really tired, at this moment I rather die then explaining so hard why I'm in pain and I'm being serious. Because when I talked I also smiled, I laughed, I looked healthy. No self-inflicted cuts. I was attending school. Nothing. I looked like a normally functioning person.

I'm really nervous if they focused solely on my overthinking issue for this next appointment. How am I supposed to describe years of indescribable, silent, small, subtle, confusing pain that keeps torturing me for years in an hour without missing anything important? Without exaggerating? when I'm trying so hard to not appear as a "pick me"? I just don't know how to describe it anymore...just thinking about it makes my head feel heavy. But in order to heal I have to remember back exactly how it feels. Plus my body health issue (extremely painful menstrual cycle with suicidal episodes on day 1st every month, something similar to PMS or PMDD if u know) it's another thing that's harder for me to explain.

I try to think good thoughts lah...maybe there's someone with bigger issues than I am. Besides, I already secured an appointment, so I can describe everything more in depth later. Right? Or a we straight healing?

I'm just really upset today that I couldn't describe it well like how I was typing this. Please, I think my pain is severe and extreme. Please. I'm serious. I just don't know how to proove or say it.

The clinic I drive to get my appointment is so far.. a 30+ km trip. Every two months. Alone. And I'm a terrible driver with terrible eyesight and anxiety.

I had my local clinic, but I just think it would refer me to the same clinic I already attend because the clinic I attended is already a specialized clinic meant for mental health. Meanwhile my local clinic is more broad and public.

I desperately want someone to see me eye to eye...but the idea of travelling this far every two months is exhausting. Just thinking about it makes me tired. I had to navigate confusing, busy town I'm unfamiliar of alone.

I hope I could have someone to drive me there...a friend or family...but I don't have anyone I could trust. Can You believe I don't even trust public transport? Yes, because I don't know if I can secure them again when it's time to go home. I'm somewhere far and foreign on my own, away from my hometown. If anything happens to me while I'm away, I'm doomed.

I really want therapy bro. Sometimes it made me do crazy things just to be there. I never drive this far ALONE. I had accident before. I'm a very nervous, inexperienced driver. What I did was very dangerous.... but my parents will say "this is how you learn to be an adult" and it's partially true. I might learn to drive longer distance alone and be more independent, or I might be involved in a crash because every time a huge trailer/truck drive passes me & is getting closer, I wonder if I should slow down or accelerate.

I'm so tired. All I want is to talk to some professionals. I'm really sad. Because I've been finding a safer, nearer alternative clinic or counseling... sometimes it's too expensive, sometimes it's just not professional, sometimes I'm not satisfied... So when I resort to a proper, specialized clinic one is just too far...too scary...had to go alone...it feels like I'm running away from house.

Alone, alone, alone.... I've been alone and lonely for years.... every day I went through, I barely said a word except yes or no. Sometimes I wish when I sleep, the night just never ends. Sometimes I wake up in the morning with a heavy sigh, thinking I was the worst person ever.

My experience today? Cool. There's only me and one patient with her mom? Her sister? Idk but it was chill and no long queues. Talked with the... receptionist? psychiatrist? And yeah they assumed I had anxiety or overthinking problems. Not a big mental problem so yeah good to know..

although I wished I could say "wait! There's more!!" *Pulls out depression, PMS, burnout* but who am I to put these labels on myself right? Haha 😂 good thing I don't romanticize how cool depression can be (IT'S NOT KEWL AT ALL)

I'm not certain I'm depressed now, but I used to be before for a long time. Now I'm on a path to recovery and it can look like I'm fine, so I was kinda worry I had to convince them. I don't know how to explain when they ask "why I'm here". I said "oh I'm here because I uhhh I feel like I'm overthinking" but I wished I could have said more like "actually I had past experience that makes me feel very deeply distraught every time real life situation reminds me of it, so I want to discuss and talk with someone about it because I don't have someone safe to talk about it and I had so many to talk about it, suppressing this for years makes me feel..............…............very VERY UNSETTLING.

I'm kinda sad when they ask if I ever heard voices or if I ever hurt myself and I said "no" because that's the truth. No matter how hard things may be, no matter how extremely lonely and awful, pathetic I felt before...I just didn't have the gut to off myself. And I wonder and worried if that makes my case "not serious enough for immediate attention" and I had to wait for October for the next appointment. (WHICH IDK IF THERE'S GONNA BE EXAM INCOMING OR NOT TEHEEE BUT IT'S DEFINITELY GONNA BE & I'M GONNA BE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE FOR NOT ATTENDING SCHOOL FOR A DAY EVEN WITH LEGITIMATE REASON)

I'm just... look. My pain wasn't dramatic or big. It happens in small ways but it lasted for many years. Subtle and hidden. I went through it mostly alone. I went through days, suppressing everything inside and I felt at some point I hurt myself to check if feel alive again. And...the boldest move I ever get to SH is a small scratch I made on my wrist with a craft knife and it was long ago when I was in high school. It didn't even bleed. I feel pathetic thinking about it again. I didn't mention this in my screening because I didn't think my attempt was serious enough & I didn't inflict enough wound to be considered it as a self harm.

I wished I could have typed all this and let the psychiatrist see this. Or talk like this...but when I come forth in a meeting...the way I talk makes this case feel so small and insignificant...and suddenly I feel like my pain wasn't even that big. (I'm just really suggs at talking...I'd rather die than explain why I'm in pain)

I'm not suicidal... although I used to be. I wished it doesn't make me matter less because now I'm on my path to recovery. I don't like romanticizing mental issues anyway... it's not funny when it really happens. I went from a highly achieving, bright talkative outgoing kid to a person that doesn't talk at all and emit negative vibes & gloomy aura all the time. I had thousand suicidal thoughts, thousand pains, thousand unheard pleas, thousand stories, thousand words and thousand cries, thousand silent tears, I suppressed for years...and now I'm worried how to unpack everything and forgetting some details.

I might've moved on and it seems like I'm doing better...but deep down.... I never get to talk about this... And the more I let it fester inside... the more I feel like I lose interest in living.

My interest in drawing has gone. Things I used to love? Uninterested, boring. I don't want to be diagnosed as depressed...but I wished I could tell them that I used to feel that way before it gets better. That I used to wake up, sighs heavily & feeling really heavy & miserable like I'm the worst person ever...I used to sleep and wake up hoping that the night never ends? Constantly comparing yourself to the juniors when you're in boarding school? Everyday you just feel dread, unhappy, empty? Is that not enough for depression? Do I have to SH to prove that I'M SERIOUS ENOUGH? I never dare to commit, but OooOH boy sometimes the physical pain is too much, it makes me not thinking straight and I could do impulsive things to end the pain.

My pain might not be serious. I don't know. Because when I'm saying it out loud, it doesn't sound that serious. It sounds cringe. It sounds like I'm just raised to be sheltered. I feel like I could never talk clearly about it even in front of my psychiatrist. And it frustrates me. Because I fear that they think I'm just... a gen z who didn't grow up. I'm 19yo and there's a younger kid out there doing adult stuff better than I did. It's embarrassing.

Might not sound big for those who got used to driving for years, but this was a really big trip for me.

I travelled 16km to the clinic and 18km back home, making it a total 34km journey. Mind you, I had to repeat my driving test 5-6 times to get a license. I had an ACCIDENT before. I'M NOT CONFIDENT AT ALL IN DRIVING CAR. Also, I didn't expect HIGHWAY TOLL 😭 I only got my ic and there's no money inside, so I was stuck on the toll until the guy working there guided me on what to do next. I spent RM10 to topup my ic and finally I managed to go through it.

The hardest part is driving and navigating the road at the same time. It was SCARY X[ I don't know where to go and the minimum speed on the highway is 80kmph which suggs because I ALREADY HAVE SO MUCH WORRY INSIDE AND I DON'T DRIVE FAST so it was VERY very scary. I was alone on this place I rarely come. Usually I come to Butterworth with my parents for vacation and family outings so to come here alone, without my parents knowing???

It feels like I was moving out and running away from my house, I never thought I would survive this trip 😭🗿 🫠 (guhh what a pathetic child I am)

And I got there near 1pm and guess what? It's their lunch time (ToT) so I had to bask in my car for an hour until 2pm even if they tell me to go out and get some lunch first because I was OVERWHELMED WITH THE TRAFFIC AND LORRIES AND CARS SPEEDING EVERYWHERE AND I WAS ALONE. If anything happens to me Idk what to do 😐

During this trip I was thinking 🤔 "is this trip even worth it? I had to went through so many procedures and meet people I didn't like at school just to get a permission to attend the clinic for screening." "Is it worth it travelling 18km alone this far?" "What if I don't feel better?" "This place is so far, I don't feel safe coming alone."

I'm so tired and hungry while I'm waiting there.... I wished I knew where to safely rest and eat because that place is so hard to navigate alone and I'm drowning in sweat and anxiousness. Not to mention I feel like I wished someone could drive me there and accompany me, but it felt like a privilege I should never think off. My parents always wanted me to face this alone, so...yeah. This sucks. Facing this alone... I wished I could had someone come with me but... no. I had to do this alone. I already asked my parents to drive me and get me help, but they always forgot. Or try not to remember about it. So I decided that I can't wait for them anymore and drive there on my own.

I mean... sometimes I do ask for help and then people treat me like I'm a baby "ohh why don't we ask mummy if she could drive you there?" "Why don't we ask mummy to write the letters too" Idk nobody ever says that to me but it's something like that.

This is the scariest road trip ever. I'm already worried about my next appointment. How would I tell my parents that I didn't go to school today because I had appointment that evening? What if they find out that I'm attending therapy? The place feels so far...I hate going through highways because it so dangerous and I'm already terrified of driving alone. I just wished someone would be here to just... support and accompany me when I'm driving.

There's so many confusing roads and traffic lights on my way out as I'm avoiding toll, and while exiting the highway, I almost missed the exit and it was a very sharp turn. I can't imagine what would I do next if I missed it 😭

I think I should have taken the local kk screening near my hometown so I would have a shorter road trip...maybe they'll refer me to the nearest place in my hometown or still at Mentari..I thought it would be much more straightforward if I go to Mentari because it's a mental health clinic. If I go to my nearest kk, idk if they're going do the therapy right there too. I just don't want to rush my time because they are short-staffed and you know how long kk waitlist can be sometimes with so many people there coming for different reasons...

I just... I feel like Butterworth is too far and the trip through highway is too scary and demanding for me. I feel like a fragile stick driving among tree barks. Can you imagine how sweaty and shaky my hands are as I prepare to go home? I followed the map and just hope the cars behind me would spare me some mercy because IT WAS SOOOOO FARR AND SO MANY FAST CARS AND I'M HUNGRY

okiee thx for listening to me 😭 now what, is this the sacrifice I suppose to make or should I tell them I would cancel the appointment because it was too far and I want a nearer clinic?

Sorry if this is not the appropriate sub to talk abt this but I hope you could spare me some time. I rlly hope someone will talk to me. If anyone could recommend me a better sub for this topic pls recommend me one!

Lately, I've been feeling real hard to produce art. My expertise lies in digital art and I've been doing it since I was 15. I used to do so many backgrounds, practice in shading, lighting, pose, perspective. Sometimes I draw what my brothers request like weapons, swords.

One thing I realized is that I was living in a very stressful time during my teen, and I don't really have any outlet other than daydreaming and drawing on my phone. So I was able to create amazing character designs for my OCs, write epic lore and backstory, imagining animation memes of them in my head just to let my stress out. And it resulted in lots of very cool full drawings. Because when you're stressed, you tend to draw it better out you know? Strokes here, brush there, striking pose here... as if the emotion itself is guiding my fingers as it glides on my screen phone, sketching out my pain. (Yeah I do be emo a lot of times)

Unfortunately it has downsides. I was hyperfixating, I neglected real life responsibilities, my exam results dropped drastically, my focus in class wavered and I was addicted to corn. I think my art was one of the reasons, so I decided to delete everything and never look back. Took me 2-3 attempts before I could finally stop drawing again and again.

Fast forward 6 years later and I returned. Because I never actually quit inside, I was just waiting (smth like hiatus) because I want to keep up with my studies. I thought after high school I finally had more time...

I restart again after a long time abandoning digital art but I feel...weird. Digital art doesn't feel as exciting as I used to feel. I stared at my canvas, waiting for the idea to come up and....nothing. I got my old OCs but...they don't feel like mine anymore. I don't feel the connection to them. I actually had a human OC in my head but I only ever drew him once because I'm suck in drawing humans, so I only have a fish and pony oc. They don't really have much lore or story, which I find it disturbing.

Even though they had received so much love in artfight and this sub, I still feel...empty. All this I only wished I had spent my younger days grinding YouTube tutorials and sharpening my digital art skills so I could draw all my Ocs professionally, no matter whether they are human or not. But the teen phase has passed and now I'm on my way studying for university and go looking for a job. I'm probably just gonna leave my art again.

I'm so jealous seeing young teen artists draw better than me. I'm so jealous seeing professional artists able to draw their OCS however they like it beautifully. I want that skill....but I don't have time...I have to study...and I don't feel as excited anymore. I hardly could daydream anymore. And with the surge of AI generated art, it just kills my passion for art more. Plus with my mental health appointment that I keep delaying, it just makes things worse. I feel like I don't want to do anything.

I'm so scared of losing my passion for digital art. I'm starting new things like clay art and keychains collecting, but I felt nothing looking at the characters I used to like so much. My clay still remained untouched. Is this normal? Is this a part of being an adult? You lose your desire for childish things? Only to trade it for a better future? If that's so, I don't want to be a grown up. Not if it means letting go of my art. I've sacrificed so much for academic achievement to please my parents and teachers, I sacrificed my time for art so I could fix my result. Do I have to keep sacrificing?

Long story short, I am a student in sem 3 for STPM this year.

I find it hard to make a call for appointment. I always been busy at school and after going home I just feel so tired I don't have the energy and mental capacity it took to talk to someone. I straight away went to sleep. It took me some time to gather my courage, practicing my scripts on how im gonna say it.... I plan to call them at 10am if I'm at school and I keep hesitating..and hesitating...I was looking for a suitable spot that I certain nobody can hear me and suddenly recess is over. I don't know when is the right time to make the call.

Recently I noticed that my anxiety is growing back and I could feel the tiredness that just stick and won't come off.

After Sem 3 started, it feels like I haven't fully recovered from Sem 2. That miserable feeling back, the fatigue and I even started to go back on my bad habits, dissapearing without telling anyone. I stopped praying, I stopped sleeping. I stopped asking questions, doing assignments... I neglected a lot. My room starting to look like a dump site.

The funny thing is I should have seek therapy since Sem 1 starts. But I was scared and the exam is near, so I thought I can wait until the exam end. Then Sem 2 immediately starts. I don't know why I could never do it...so I postpone my plan, even though it was obvious that I need help. Then Sem 2 is over and I still haven't got the help I need.

I did try other ways before like free counseling from LPPKN and my school counseling but it never felt professional. It's like I'm talking to my mother and most of the time they freak out whenever I said I want to kms. I always wanted a private meeting with psychologist, therapist, but the cost and the place sometimes can be far....and I just don't have anyone to send me there. Plus, I'm already thinking how hard it is to explain my absence to my teacher and thinking where or how should I get a letter to proof that I have appointment...

I'm not in crisis or any serious condition right now...I just want to...talk about my past with someone. I want to grow out of this fear and be able to carry responsibility. I feel unheard. I feel like my pain is not serious.

I start to doomscrolling, eating junks and sweet drinks even though I don't feel like it. I want to do crafts, but I feel too frustrated and ruin whatever delicate stuff I'm holding in my hand. I rarely talk to someone. I feel alone most of the time. I know someone will say "its normal, everyone is". No. I'm not talking about being alone once for a while. I'm talking about being surounded by family, friends and still felt like I was the only person in the room. I feel lonely, extremely.

I've been planning to make the call for an appointment at Mentari, but every time I stare at that phone number, I keep hesitating, stalling again and again. It went for days, then weeks, then months.

I keep thinking about how to explain, what to say, what I should bring, what to expect, who will I meet, how to reach out... the questions are endless and by the time I attempt to make a call it is too late, the clinic is already closed and tadaaaa is the weekend. Now I gotta wait again for weekdays to arrive and I usually get occupied at school until 3pm and I forget or become too tired to make a call.

You might think “just call lah why so hard?” guhh it's hard when I don't know what to say or explain my condition. Sometimes I think “is my case serious enough for this?” or “maybe I am just stressed right now, it'll go away” but everyone around me keeps telling me I need therapy by how I talk and act. And yes I agree.

But guhh the fear always keeps me from making the first call. It's always “maybe tomorrow...maybe next week....maybe after I finished studying” and I never get to make that call. Guhhh how exactly do people make the call so easily?

Since highschool years, I've always been struggling with communication & social activities. I'm someone who is very sensitive, hyperaware, overthinking whenever I'm interacting with people, even with my own family... the interaction often feels tense, awkward or stressful.

Most of the time I prefer being alone and friendless throughout my teen life. I never sought friendship or company because I'm too tired to talk. It feels more like a task than something I could enjoy.

But then everyone thinks I'm selfish and arrogant, because I never talked to anyone in my class nor I ever smiled at anyone. Sometimes people accuse me of something bad. Instead of arguing or saying something to defend myself... I often just accept whatever punishment because it's easier than explaining. So I often take whatever people portrayed me as by face value, and it just degrades me so bad. I feel worthless. I feel ashamed to even talk to anyone. I feel like a dog because people keep demanding me for help and all I can say is "yes" when inside I was screaming "no".

I don't know, communication is very hard and confusing. It involves two sides, respect, boundaries, things that I don't understand or I never had. I just feel like I was constantly disrespected or easily offended whenever I talk. Please if you could recommend books that could help me overcome my fear and help me grow out of this, I would be very delighted :)

I don't mind if the book is very thick. I just don't want books that give you generic motivation that I always hear like "get over it" or "don't give a damn what everyone thinks about you."

First of all, I'm so sorry if this is off topic or if this is the wrong sub. Do tell me which sub is appropriate if I'm wrong.

This thing has been something I have wondered about for a long time. How do artists draw everyday and not like... go insane? How do they manage their time? As someone who is still a beginner and practicing basics, I find it hard not to take a break when I draw. I always stayed up late and did not sleep the entire day until my drawing was finished and I'm truly satisfied. I sacrificed my high school and neglected lots of assignments, homework, social interaction a normal human need.

It's like everything else in my life is an obstacle or a waste of time except drawing. It took me days, hours to master shading, lighting, pose. And yet sometimes I still couldn't do it right.

I often found myself cooped up in my room. I didn't eat, I didn't pray (I was supposed to pray 5 times a day). I didn't sleep. I didn't talk to anyone. It's like I was...what do they say.. hyperfixating? Then I would have a headache because I didn't sleep for two days.

I feel frustrated having to go to school or college everyday, focusing on stuff like studying and reading books, study and study and study (because apparently I'm weak in all subjects and need to work harder to store infos) when I got tons of ideas and drawing to practice.

When I just postponed and kept postponing what I'm supposed to draw, the motivation also kinda fades...and I started to feel like.. I could never have enough time to sharpen my skill and it became dull again. It's so sad. I'm so frustrated. Seeing a young professional artist hurts me because I'm getting older. I want to draw, I have my mobile phone, my finger, my mom's trustworthy tablet that I had to borrow and somehow I don't have the most important thing of all. TIME. I don't have TIME. I'm so sad. How could I ever be able to draw professionally when I don't have time?

Who knows when I am old enough to have time and money, I don't have a spirit for art anymore. I feared it the most because I used to love my digital art and OCs so much, and when I grew bigger and got less free time, my excitement of drawing disappeared slowly. More competitions from younger artists. It's exhausting. I'm drowning.

It's 3am now. I can't sleep. Tomorrow is school and I hate it. Even though I'm free after school, I get tired. At night I need to do assignments. Tell me, is it just me? Am I the problem for not being able to properly manage my time?

Just sayin.