need advice about messed up relationship with my father
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let me start by introducing y'all to what I'm dealing with, aka his personality.
verbally and physically abusive with my mom (physically in the past, not anymore)
kicked my brother out of our house for 4 years and did not go to his wedding only because he broke his engagement with our cousin
Once he saw my sister and I wearing tshirts in our bedroom at night, and the next day he cut them up with scissors so that we never do it again
Did not give me pocket money till the age of 20 and before that he would give me 200 rupees whenever I asked for money. When I asked for something specific he gave the exact money I needed but nothing else. I had to set the pocket money after creating a huge fight and tantrum
Once he picked up his slipper and was about to beat me (my mom stopped him luckily) because I had forgot to tell him what time he has to drop me to school that morning
Last year he was supposed to drop me at a restaurant where I was planning to meet some friends. I had asked for his permission earlier but on the specific day I forgot to remind him. His response was to yell and throw away a wooden trolley and lock himself in his room (I took a cab then)
Our whole lives have been spent with a severely aggressive environment at home, almost daily fight with my mom over the randomest shit and he'd start abusing her.
This post will get too long if I start listing everything. The most recent incedent was the last one, restaurant Wala. After that he didn't speak to me for 4 months and I was also pissed at him. At the end he started talking to me again himself.
In October last year I went to remind him to give me my pocket money. Btw there's no affordability issue here for him Incase anyone is wondering. It's a power dynamic with him. Khair so I was a bit annoyed that I keep asking again and again for a basic need and it creates problems for me when I go to uni.
He said that I should sit and spend time with him for an hour everytime I want it and that way he'll feel "respected". I kept trynna explain that it's a basic need, and it creates problems for me when I don't have it, so I don't always have time to approach it that way. At that point he got mad and started trying to hit himself out of frustration.
I left the money there and went to my room. I was beyond exhausted at that point because even though not all times are bad like this with him, something like this happens every few months. He never makes me feel like he's proud of me, or that I'm a good daughter etc. Even tho I've never gone out of my way to disobey him, and I never ask him to allow me to do things that he doesn't like (overnight trips, too much outings etc)
So out of frustration and feeling this intense lack of empathy from him, something inside me finally snapped after all these years. I went to him, grabbed a bottle of mortien (the insect killer yes) and started beating my head with it as hard as I could. I wanted him to see me in physical pain and empathize with me because he never understands my emotional pain anyway.
He just sat there frozen, didn't try to stop me. My head spinned and I fell down. He still didn't get up. I went to the kitchen to grab a knife to make it seem like I was gonna do something crazy to myself. I was full on screaming and crying this whole time btw. He still didn't get up to stop me. My brother walked in at that moment and took me back to my room.
Then my mom and brother tried to patch things up between us by telling me to suck it up and ignore it till I get married, just like all of my older siblings did. Then they went to him and told him I might be acting out because I'm lonely. And my dads response was ke "she's throwing these tantrums to get married"
That was the moment when I lost all hope. The reason I was doing what I did was to gain his pity on some level. But that one sentence changed something inside me, and I realized that he'll never feel for me what I want him to feel. So I became totally indifferent. For many months it stopped hurting me even, I just stopped talking to him altogether and ignoring his existence. He didn't say anything.
It has been 7 months since that day and i haven't talked to him, nor has he. He complains about my behavior to everyone in the house but doesn't bother solving things.
The reason I did this is because I'm so emotionally drained, if I make things normal he does something crazy ever few months and ruin my sanity.
But these days I just look at him and feel like I'll regret all of this if he's no longer in the world. He's very old, almost 66. And I remember my childhood when he did treat me with a lot of love and gentleness and my heart just feels sad and confused.
I don't know that to do. I know I'm not doing the right thing, but what else can I do?