u/DoubleApplication919

I moved out when I was 16 and since then, I’ve given them chance after chance and they’ve failed every time. This time I’m choosing me, to the point that they don’t even know who my significant other is, they don’t know where I live. They don’t even know when we’re getting married.

Sometimes I fantasize that I have healthy interactions with relatives. Spending time with them on the holidays and not hating it. Going on vacations with them and actually having a good time(I don’t go on vacations but you get the jist). Being able to tell any of my relatives that I’m pregnant. I’ve kept it to myself for my own mental health and it’s doable because i live thousands of miles away from all of them. Then I snap out of it and realize that I’ll never have that because I’m so different from them. The black sheep.

Anyone else do this sometimes? Fantasize anout having a healthy family dynamic?

I’m in a Current situation where I’ve had to retrieve into myself, in order to self preserve. I could easily continue to get upset, stress myself out and keep talking about it, but I’m honestly mentally and emotionally checked out. And I feel like I would only be harming myself, by sitting here and being angry and stressing out about the situation. This current situation is out of my control and the only way I feel like I can preserve myself, is by retreating inward. I don’t mind my own company. I enjoy being in my own company. It doesn’t bother me. I think also by doing this, it’ll help me to make the next necessary steps in my life. I am in a very vulnerable place in my life right now. physically, emotionally and mentally. In the past, I’ve been stressed out so bad, to the point that I broke out with psoriasis and so I’m trying to do things different this time.

I’m tired of performing. I’m tired of saying I’m OK when I’m not OK and I’m not gonna sit there and be all up in People’s faces smiling and shit , when I don’t feel like it. I’m not doing it anymore.

Anyone else had this experience?

Next-door neighbor was shooting at me, while I was standing in the front yard of my house, but I wasn’t getting hit. This wasn’t a next-door neighbor that I have in real life. I actually didn’t recognize who this person was. The only thing that was separating me and him was a simple metal fence. There was not much for to hide behind. even in the dream, I was trying to figure out why I wasn’t getting hit because he was just shooting a lot. and he would stare me down when he was shooting too. He was not resting from shooting. I’m confused.

I need prayer. I’m 15 weeks pregnant. No other children. My husband’s been getting worse since I’ve gotten pregnant. Taken no regard about my feelings and my state of mind in my body or emotions, right now. I’ve been very sick with nausea, throwing up and have been bed ridden. Therefore he takes advantage of that. I told him that when I get better I would like to get a job, so I can make my own money and he gets upset. Basically telling me I’m being selfish. I tell him I’d like to get out of the house and go walk in a very high trafficked trail, where a lot of people walk and run with kids, women by themselves and he gets upset. I’ve been there many times and never had an issue.

Because I’ve been so sick; I’ve had to be dependent on him for everything. I feel stuck and trapped. Yelled and cursed at me, gaslights, manipulates and is controlling. I lost two babies(stillborns) in a previous relationship and he told me that i need to get over and stop grieving. He decided to move his brother in, without including me in the decision. I’m going to be calling DV organizations, to see if they can help me with temporary living. I don’t want to be here anymore. He doesn’t apologize or take accountability. It’s stressing me out. I cannot and will not be raising a child in this environment. I currently don’t have family or friends. I basically need a miracle right now.

I live in Oklahoma. They banned abortions here. As the relationship has gone on… he’s gotten worse. He controls everything. I need resources for organizations that help me with travel food and hotel stays because right now I’m in a deep situation and I don’t want to keep the baby. I am 15 weeks. I don’t want to stay in this relationship anymore and I don’t want this baby. I also don’t want to raise a baby by myself. I have to reach out to DV organizations again because I have no where else to go. They’re pretty much the only people I can go to for help. My relatives are a no go. I don’t have any friends out here either. Seeking advice as well.

Some people will not get themselves together and do for themselves, unless people stop becoming their safety net. I do not like helping people who cannot help themselves. I can tell right off the bat, when someone just wants to use someone, until that kindness runs out. People might find this mean, but some people will become super lazy and expect everybody to do the work for them…. Because they do. There’s no drive and initiative. They won’t do anything outside of their comfort zone. They don’t wanna do anything hard, that requires sacrifice. They wanna flow through life on easy mode and then blame it on the world around them; as to why they can’t get their shit together.

They do just enough, so that no one can say anything but not enough to actually get out of their situation and be independent. Either you want to do better for yourself or you don’t. No one can wanna do better for you, but you. People will get tired of the act, of always having to become savior. So I say let them hit rock bottom. Let them learn that you gotta be your own motivator. You gotta get your ass up and you gotta get out there and do something for yourself.

I say make it uncomfortable for them because the minute you make it comfortable for them, is the minute that they’re gonna sit back and rest on that. Comfortability doesn’t push anybody to do better or more. It pushes you to keep doing things for them. I guess I’m at the age where I’m just tired of people manipulating and deceiving, when they are at their lowest point in life… because they know they have nowhere else to go. And then the pressure is on that person who decided to give them a chance and so when you don’t give them everything that they think they need from you, then they’re gonna turn around and blame you for not being able to help get their life together.

Some people can’t be helped.

Bipocs DO NOT get the same grace. We do get the benefit of the doubt. They’ll talk about our race first. The Country of origin etc. tell us to go back to our country… even if you’re born in the states and how we’re ruining America, that’s our culture(all negativity of course). With whites people it’s, “well mental health”.

Mass shooting: mental health

Calling the cops on people minding their business: the unnecessary fear they carry of people that don’t look like them and mental health

Robbing a store: and they’ll get grace, “Oh well, they probably needed it really bad.

Financial struggles: mental health

Mediocrity: mental health

Saying the n word unprovoked: mental disability/ mental distress

Staring at biopic people with a look disgust or disdain: mental health/ mental disorder

Homeless: has to be a veteran or mental health/mental disability

And the crazy part about it is, they’ll do some of the most craziest and dangerous shit. For example: skydiving, explore some the most tightest caves, go hiking and camping in the woods alone, willingly go into haunted houses and mess with spirits, climb Mount Everest, swim with sharks, deep sea diving, keep bears and tigers as pets and get close and personal. Willingly live in houses that they know we’re built on top of a graveyard. And many more examples They’re always putting themselves in these situations that are dangerous. they’ll do some of the most egregious things towards Bipoc’s and mental health is brought up..

All in all to say, that I think the whole cry about mental health is essentially for them to use to their advantage, is a fucking cover-up for how they really just don’t like anybody to have the same playing field, as them. Racism is a part of their culture and they’ve spread it all across the goddamn world and it’s frustrating. They’re treated as individuals; while bipocs are treated as a monolith.

Anybody find themselves going back and looking at your churches YouTube and Facebook pages? I was browsing through old YouTube videos of me and I could tell I look so sad. The fact that they can just gone on and continue, as if they didn’t black mail and run people out of the church. Bully and say a lot of horrible things. There’s some people I’m not seeing anymore, that were apart of the core of the church. Some of the people that stayed and I’m not surprised. I always felt uneasy around them and didn’t like their energy.

Hi I’ve been kind of dealing with a lot of stuff physically(14 weeks pregnant) emotionally and mentally. I’ve been isolating myself away from my significant other and his brother. I just don’t have the energy to pretend to want to be around them right now. I’ve become emotionally distant. I’m sick of him kissing me and asking if I’m alright. I just shrug my shoulders because… am I supposed to just forget what he just did to me? And then him acting like he has an no idea why I’m not really responding. It’s like he really can’t sit here and put the piece together for why I’m not saying howI feel? It’s because I can’t. because he won’t care.

My trust is completely broken and the only thing I can do is just keep myself emotionally and mentally detached, eveb when he asked me what was wrong. I don’t think he really wants to hear it . so it’s no point in me saying more than a shrug or nothing because I’m not trying to get myself worked up for no reason. So at this point, I’m not giving more than a couple words in a shrug and I might not even say nothing just shrug and he’ll still get mad at that because nothing is ever good enough for him but at this point I don’t care. I’d rather detach myself than get myself worked up again. He doesn’t listen. Nor does he care. First it was I talked too much and now if I continue to not to respond, it’s gonna be , why are you acting like that?

I can’t win. No matter what. So the only solution is to detach. To save my sanity. there’s nothing you can do , when someone doesn’t wanna hear about the way they treat you. Or when someone doesn’t wanna hear the truth about their own behavior.

I’m 14 weeks pregnant and my significant other has become increasingly abusive as the pregnancy has gone on. Verbal, mental and emotional. He plays a lot of mind games. He knows if he puts his hands on me, he could get in trouble, so he doesn’t. Today he yelled at me and told me to shut the fuck up and if he could he would hurt someone. He doesn’t want me to get a job and so I feel trapped. Every time I talk about wanting to work and get a job, he gets upset. Yes, I’ve been sick the whole pregnancy but I’ve been taking Dramamine for the nausea. Hes been throwing that in my face while also taking advantage of that. I saved up money and I took all the money I had and paid for half of the deposit, of the new place I moved in. He moved his younger brother in without asking me. I also took the money I saved up and paid my car off(old car) and helped him pay for half of the car he bought off Facebook. He’s literally seen me in action; throwing up all day and barely being able to function.

On a day when I was having a hard time breathing, he asked me to do the laundry… as if too punish me or something. He throws that in my face as well and twists it. He twists everything. He was the one who told me he wanted me to stay home, while I was pregnant and now it’s a problem. It’s a problem that I want to work and it’s a problem that I stay at home. He keeps yelling about how he does everything himself.

Before I got pregnant I was working full time + overtime and doing all of the cooking, cleaning and laundry. Rarely ever, did he help me with cooking cleaning and laundry. It was all my responsibility. On top of making fun of me for the amount of money I made. While simultaneously taking whatever money he could, anytime I got my paycheck. But then would brag about how he took care of all the bills…. Brags about my car being his, this place being his… he would’ve been able to get this place without me. And that car he drives… he wouldn’t be able to get that if I didn’t help him with that either.

Right now I have no money. And the car’s registration and tags went out because of my being on bed rest. So, now he’s about to put it in his name and I need to figure how to leave here before he does that.

P.S. I’d live in my car if I had to. He also told me he doesn’t have to be with me. I also lost two babies in a previous relationship and he throws that back in my face. Basically telling me to get over it. He’s upset that I still grieve them.

Man… where do I start. All I can say is I need to go quiet and silent in order to preserve myself. I don’t know what else to do. Thing is… I’ve been in this situation before many times. I keep repeating the same thing over and over. Just in different scenarios with different people. I’m too the point where I can’t even cry. He yelled at me and cursed at me. Told me to shut the fuck up. I’m 13 weeks pregnant, tired and have been very sick and throwing up everywhere. He said we can talk when we get home but I don’t even care anymore. He said he doesn’t have to be with me. So, I’ll take that as my sign. I need a friend. Someone to talk to. Preferably a woman.

13 weeks pregnant and on bed rest and haven’t been working and my husband is paying all the bills but I don’t want to be in this relationship anymore. I feel trapped and I feel like he’s holding this bed rest above my head. I have no money right now. I literally depend on him for everything. Before all of this I was working 70+ hours until my job said I couldn’t and I had bought my own car but everything came to a standstill once I got pregnant.

Husband moved in his brother without asking for my consent. Last night I tried to have a certain conversation with him pertaining his brother. He shut me down, stomped out of the room and slept on the couch until 3am and then came back to the room. Then proceeded to ignore me and yank the covers. He said a couple of words to me today but has been talking to his brother. Asked him if he’s hungry but hasn’t asked me. He hasn’t come and checked on me at all. I’ve noticed he treats his brother more gentle than he does me. He definitely gives him more grace than me.

This is my 3rd pregnancy. I lost two before in a previous marriage. 22 weeks and 35 weeks. Very difficult pregnancies. I feel like I’ll lose this baby the same way I lost my first two. Very stressed out during those pregnancies. My tags and registration are out of date and I have no insurance but I don’t want to be relying on my husband to take me anywhere. I feel as though he’s holding this above my head as well. Especially any job opportunities because he would just sabotage. I applied to Walmart part time but I doubt they’ll get back to me. I know this doesn’t sound like a good idea but my last hope is to try Amazon. They hire fast and pay well above what’s around me right now. My biggest problem is not having any money to get myself to and from work. As well as money for food.

There’s a lot more things that have happened in my relationship, that I haven’t included. I’m done. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m bad at picking men and I’ll be opting out of relationships as a whole, after this. My whole life has been full of abuse. From relatives, to church and now these last two relationships. I need therapy.

For those of you who read my previous post.

I tired to have conversation with him last night and he got mad and completely shut me down. Stomped out of the room and slept on the living room couch until around 4am. Got up this morning and he hasn’t said a word to me; since then. And when he decided to come sleep in the room; the kept yanking the covers. So, now I’m trying to think about what my next steps should be. I haven’t said anything to him. He knocked on his brothers door to say something but couldn’t I make anything of it.

Original Post

32(F) 13 weeks pregnant and on bed rest married to 30(M). He moved his brother in 2 weeks ago. I’m concerned. Simply because the way my husband describes his younger brother. He sounds lazy and unmotivated. I’ve been observing him these last two weeks. Anytime my husband goes anywhere, he jumps right in the car with him. Me and my husband could be spending time together and he just has to be hanging around. He’s already been asking my husband for money.

So, I sent this to my husband.

Can I ask you a serious question? Have you talked to your brother about a timeline or plan, of when he’s to be out on his own?

I’m asking because… I’m a very observant person and I don’t see him wanting to move out. I see him wanting to stay here as long as he can. You’re his last safety net. He knows this. Yet, He doesn’t live or act like someone who’s eager to start their own or have their own.

If he’s never been pushed to stop relying on people, as his bottom line… you can’t expect him to suddenly want to get it together. You want that for him; more than he wants that for himself. That’s not a recipe for success. He’s going to keep using that. With someone like this, he’ll keep milking that for all it’s worth.

I’ve never been kicked out of my moms or my dads house. The reason being, every time I’ve been there, I start my own job hunt. I was constantly putting in applications. While at my dad’s, I took the bus and walked to hand in job applications and do interviews. Until I could find a job; I was cooking and cleaning up around the house. Then when I get a job, if I still had to walk or take the bus, I just did it.. When I got a job and my responsibilities shifted, I picked up as many hours as I could. This last time I lived with my mom; I worked 70+ hours a week; until they told me I was going over the limit and I had to go back down to 60 hours. I only had one day to clean and run all my errands. But it didn’t matter because I had a goal to pay off that car and get out here.

You have to want to get out there and do it for yourself. if you don’t have that spirit in you… how can you live on your own? No one can want it more than your own self. Has he ever had to pay his own bills? Has he had a car before? Has he had to buy his own groceries? Does he know how to budget? How long has he kept a job?

He’s not disciplined and that lack of discipline is what worries me. I’m just worried and concerned that he will stay here longer than he should.

I’m going to be honest; he wouldn’t last a day living with any of my relatives. He’s not showing enough initiative. Amazon is always always always hiring, they have 401k, retirement, good insurance plans, unpaid time, PTO, and they pay well above minimum wage. All you have to do is have an ID, social security card and pass a drug test. The bar is set really low to get into Amazon. If he really wanted to be independent, then he would take what he could get. Something tells me that working in general… isn’t really his thing.

I sit back and listen to you give him advice and he tries to talk over you and acts like he knows everything. That’s not the sign of someone who’s trying to understand and learn. But the mark of someone who doesn’t want to admit that he’s not taking initiative. He thinks he can just skip in life, by doing everything the easy way.

We all have to do things we don’t like but it seems like your brother thinks he can skip through life, never doing things he doesn’t like. I understand that our prefrontal cortex doesn’t develop until 25 but you have to have that disciplined attitude before then. Or else everyone around you will become a crutch or they’ll always end up picking up your pieces. He has to want more for himself and I don’t see that.

Not having a bed, car, my own money, would be a motivator for me to find a job. I understand you wanting to find him one but we can’t always rely on people getting jobs for us. And something tells me he’s not interested in tree work. You have to have a certain work ethic and mindset for that. He’ll half ass it honey.

Also, I have a feeling he’ll only do just enough; so he can keep relying on you. What happens when he can’t keep the job you get him? If he can’t keep a job in general? He’ll keep ending up here.

It seems as though he wants people to take care of him, for the rest of his life. And I’m extremely concerned that it’ll keep falling on your shoulders and this will become a constant thing. We’re starting a family and this is the last thing I want to be dealing with. If he can’t keep a job and keep up a life, he’ll always end up back here with us. I can’t deal with that.

These are my concerns.

TL;DR
My gut instinct is that my husbands brother will stay here longer than he should. My husband doesn’t think that’ll happen.