I spoke in whispers, soft and low,
Hoping somehow my heart would show.
The things I feared, the things I'd hide,
Behind the quiet I kept inside.
I waited for a gentle sign,
A soul to read these thoughts of mine.
To see the hurt behind my smile,
And stay with me a little while.
But silence came where words used to be,
And drifted like a distant sea.
Still deep within, I hold this plea
To be understood, completely me.
It's still painful, but I got the realizations that I am too broken and too damaged to be loved by others. I am everyday healing, recovering and finally getting back to myself, however, it'll never changed that romantic love might just not be meant for me. It's all gonna be okay :)
I am currently struggling with depression and anxiety in regards with my relationship. For weeks I was asking for a sign, I got random signs for my yes or no questions, its so vague that its so hard for me to understand most of the time and I am so pessimist that I might be just looking for a sign that aligns with what I want to hear. I tried tarot reading even, AI or any readers I could ask, still all mixed answers. Last night I was really hysterically crying talking to God, to why is He doing all this to me and He can't even give me a clue to my dilemma or an answer to my questions, I challenged Him(I know, its bad) to face me and give me a straight answer to what should I do. I looked up at the fire detector, telling it to blink a light as a yes that He is there. It did not happen. All night I was waiting it didn't blink at all.
Tonight, I was watching a youtube video, a girl asking God for a sign and a lightning answered her as a yes. I am calm tonight, might be because of all the calming supplements I took, and I look at the fire detector again. It isn't blinking. I whispered and ask my question, withing 3 seconds it blinked. I was baffled. Shocked.. I said, "Are you sure, Lord? That's a yes?" And after I said it once again blinked a light. I asked again for a confirmation cause that's how skeptical I am, I haven't even said the last word yet, and it did blinked again. I said Thank you, I trust in You, I believe in You and I have faith in You.
Hope rushed through my being and it stops all my worries. Its an amazing feeling. I'm still a bit skeptical but I know He is here, truly. After the third question my fire detector didn't blinked and more light.
I'm seeing a light at the end of the tunnel, a tiny light, but still there is a light.
I had my heartbroken from the past, a few times. Broken up with two exes before. I had been cheated on, betrayed, assaulted, replaced easily, ignored, abandoned, lied on, make fun of, threatened, blackmailed, disrespected, and amongst other things, mostly by one guy, but as I said, I had experienced it. I attempted to offed myself before too, because of the pain. It was really a life changing pain. But this pain that I am currently having with one man, a man I considered myself my true friend, a man I poured my heart into, this is the kind of pain that exceeded all the pain I had, a pain that makes me feel hopeless and helpless. It isn't his fault, but mine cause I am feeling too much than I can handle. But I hope he sees that all I need is him. I hope he sees that I am truly healed from the past that I am not leaning on him just because I need him, but because I want him.
It hurts that someone made you feel alive again and gave you hope then disappear on you and made you feel like a walking corpse again.