u/Feeling_Pop7396

I've been going to the doctor for the first time since I was 9, I went for general checkups since I never had those, got a LOT of bloodwork done, and everything points to the fact that my body is one-hundred percent healthy. No vitamin deficencies, my cholesterol is perfect, my RBC is perfect, my iron is perfect, I never have any weird blood pressure readings aside from it being slightly elevated on stressful days. The only thing that's come back weird is my autoimmune IFA bloodwork. (The entire list is as follows: ANA screen, ifa, positive, anti-nuclear Ab Titer (both regular and 2) 1:160 ANA pattern speckled, 2 is homogeneous, Sm/RNP Antibodies Negative, Sm-RNP Abs Indec <.2 AI, Ribosomal P Protein Antibody Negative, Ribosomal P Ab Index <.2 AI, SS-A index <.2, Anti-SS-B Antibody Negative, Chromatin Antibody Negative, Chromatin Ab Index <.2, Jo-1 Antibody Negative, Jo-1 Ab Index <.2, dsDNA Antibody Index 1.o IU/mL, dsDNA Antibody Result is negative.)

I am so fucking confused on what else there is to do because I have had to put my life on hold, recently decided to drop out of college because my brainfog is too bad to remember anything and having to physically move (including typing this) is painful.

My symptoms are as follows, brainfog, REALLY bad joint pain when moving them, certain joints hurt only if I move them certain ways, like my ankles and calves hurt differently, cognitive decline, I don't really know how else to describe my brain anymore because of how bad my memory has gotten, I forget to do more and more things and even setting reminders doesn't help, my entire body feels like it's constantly bruised, NOT an ache, like, everytime I sleep and wake up it feels like someone was beating me up the entire time, I am always tired no matter how much I sleep, before all of these symptoms showed up like two-ish months ago(?? I never kept track because I kept waiting for it to go away, I assume this started in August) I used to have insomnia and literally couldn't sleep, now I sleep for extremely long hours and still need to sleep in the middle of the day because of how tired I am. I also have been having throat pain, not inside but the outside of what I think is my wind pipe? It feels, again, bruised, which also makes it hurt to swallow, also recently I developed headaches and lightheadedness?? This started happening randomly yesterday after I went to see the doctors. And swelling, as in random parts of my body will start getting red and puffy, and if I press down it feels like my tissue is just...bigger, which goes away at random and doesn't seem to be linked to eating or stress.

I don't even know why any of this is happening. Like I said, about two months ago my joints started hurting really severely for no reason, I just pushed past it because before this I used to get occasional joint pain from exercising a little too hard, but after that day it never stopped. At first it was like, I think my calves, and arms that hurt and they switched sides every couple of days (so my left arm and right leg, then vice versa) but as time progressed it kept getting worse, more and more joints started to hurt, at a point it got so bad I kept limping and could barely walk, I started taking 400 mg of ibuprofen which helped it a little, and have since stopped because the ibuprofen makes me feel weird (gotta experiment to make sure I'm right.) And more and more joints started hurting. Every joint that hurts is both my shoulders, my left is the worst right now, my upper arms, my elbows, my wrists, specifically my knuckles in both hands but none of my fingers have the same level of pain, both thumbs hurt really bad though, my neck is both painful and stiff (the stiffness is new) my hips hurt but internally, NEVER external, if that makes sense, my thighs really hurt which makes sitting and standing a bitch, my knees REALLY hurt, so bad that I have to use my arms to move them sometimes, my calves hurt, and my ankles, and the soles of my feet fell bruised, and itchy, and finally random toes hurt.

I feel like I'm losing my humanity or something because I can't do what I used to do, I miss going on walks, I miss running, I miss being able to do chores without it taking forever, I miss being able to type for long hours without my hands hurting, I miss what I used to be two months ago. I want my fucking life back.

Basically, I have a couple of games I have downloaded for now but I'm going to buy a physical copy, when I delete these like, two or three games from my WBFS folder I want to keep the saves, so how? I'd prefer to just do this on my PC but if there's a wii program that does it then I'll budge.

I don't care about liking the experience, it is so draining but without this degree I'm doomed to be a basement dweller for the rest of my life and I just want someone out there to tell me how they forced themselves to lock the fuck in and graduated College in 4 years, I already failed two classes and I'm retaking them but living with my abusive mother is killing any drive I have in me to commit to these classes, I'm already failing one and I'm considering dropping out, finishing my OTHER class (that one is easy and is being retaken for a really dumb reason) and then retaking my math class AGAIN next semester. (It is beginners college algebra and I have never felt more stupid)

Help me. Please. I just want to graduate in 2029, nothing else nothing more.

Title.

My mother completely refuses to touch my FAFSA, she did twice already but due to circumstances she won't sign ANYTHING, not even the form stating her refusal, I don't have any other parents or family to help with this (divorced, and also I am estranged/hated by most of my family) what do I do?? I don't care if I need to take out a loan since that's all I'd qualify for but if I can't touch my FAFSA anymore where can I get a loan? For the record I'm in a community college, I'd say five courses costs about 1-2 grand and I got approved for that twice already, I failed two classes (I know, embarassing) and I'm retaking them for the summer, but when fall/winter semester comes up I don't know how I'll pay for my course.

I'm not quite sure where else to ask, I'm currently worried about being kicked out/shipped off to my abusive biological father (I don't like him and don't know what else to call him)

My mother threatened to kick me out a couple of days ago, ever since I've been saving my FAFSA refunds for emergencies but I need a bank not connected to either of my parents to keep my money in, all I'm looking for is a simple savings/checking account, I'll take whatever bonuses I can but I'm a college student who can't find a job and the college I go to doesn't have any sort of help in finding jobs, I plan on never touching a CENT of my FAFSA money, and since my mother refuses to sign for my FAFSA I'll be taking out loans from here out and using the rest of my loan money as savings as well. Please help me. (Also, for the record I don't have friends or family to fall back on, I am completely alone and if I get kicked out/shipped out I'll be completely on my own, and also fucked beyond belief.)

I feel robbed, it's not just the abuse I went through, it's the isolation my parents put me through and then blame me for after it's too late to actually have a childhood anymore.

I'm an 'adult' now, I get to do boring adult things not at all thinking back on the childhood whimsy I never had because I wasn't allowed to have one.

A colorful tarp filled with air I never got to go under, scrapes on my knees or injuries I never had to heal from because I never needed to heal from the outside world to begin with, no first day of school for me, no first day of second grade, from birth to abandonment I was isolated, inside my house, staring at a computer screen that taught me nothing.

It was so fucking lonely, and honestly humilating to experience as a child, I was obsessed with family vloggers because I loved living vicariously through their children, seeing them pack their bags, with unhealthy carbohydrate ridden snacks that no man, woman, or child should ever eat; But do anyway.

I always took time out of my day to stare outside my window and watch children play in a housing complex across from mine, sometimes at night I'd watch adults sit there and get drunk, I was jealous of both, I was only nine.

I d

I ended up developing insomnia as a child, around eight or so, I just couldn't sleep, there was no difference between being asleep or awake since my family never did anything besides drink, smoke, or sleep on the couch, I used to get up early and steal liquor from my father since it made me feel loopy enough to not ruminate on how depressing my life was, I'd watch the TV on mute with subtitles on so I could watch the news, morning cartoons, all before my family paraded downstairs and I sauntered back to my bedroom so I could be alone because they were awful to be around.

I'm twenty now, and even though it's close to midnight and I have college homework due, I keep thinking about my past, I always am thinking about it instinctively but I am really fucking thinking about it right now. I've been rewatching old TV shows, ones with families in them, and it makes me once again mourn the simple, unchangeable fact that I have never stepped foot inside a kindergarten, or an elementary school, those colorful halls, or teachers who are actually nice to you seem like a myth.

I feel like there's no way out of depression with this in mind, the abuse, not being allowed to cry, ever, constantly having my parents hover over my shoulder, never alone (I was allowed to shower alone for the first time at THIRTEEN) I just think I'm permanently fucked and that the only true way of fixing this is reincarnation. I don't even believe in God or anything like that since a higher being would have actually helped me at some point. But no. I just want to reincarnate and actually experience a good childhood. And then die again. Nothing else, nothing more.

Apologies, as I'm not sure how to word the title, ever.

I made a copy of an avatar that already exists, made it a unity project file so i don't have to re-do everything every single time I use this base model, so today I'm trying to upload a variant I made of her and it's trying to overwrite her original model, I don't know what to do since this is a completely different project file and everything.

I don't think I'll ever have it in me to tell them that I wish I wasn't born.

All I am, and all I'll ever be is just a glorified whore, I say glorified because there's nothing real to it. I have a fucking disease in my head or something, maybe there's just something genetically wrong with me but it doesn't matter, I don't get to say that what's wrong with me isn't my fault because someway, somewhere along this stupid fucking path I took I fucked myself up, and I'm to blame for every single thing I hate about myself. There's a silly little sentence that runs through my head every day, all it ever says is the same two things. "Go die." "I want to be loved."

It's running like Usain Bolt, constantly 24/7 my head just fucking screams at me, a drill sargent screams less I know that for sure, but despite how many problems I have that I am acutely aware of, I know there's an explanation, and I know that my apparent victim complex I didn't know I had caused it. It doesn't matter how I feel, it doesn't matter what I felt in the past as a small, scared child, I caused everything, I am my own fault, my birth was my own fault, I can't blame anyone for this pit I am stuck in, because somewhere along the way I dug the pit, inch by inch, kilometer by kilometer, threw the shovel away, and sat down in this pit and made it my home, with a bed, a 1.5 bath, a small kitchen, and even a component for a washer/dryer hookup.

I'm greedy, I can't stop fucking wanting things, I zap the life force of everyone around me, it's why I'm alone, it's why nobody ever loved me, I wanted too much, and I wanted when I shouldn't have.

When I was a child, the only thing I ever wanted was a violin, I asked for it until I turned ten since my parents never said anything, or always said no, my sister asked for some absurdly expensive drum set, and a piano, and got it in the same year. My only takeaway is she was more deserving, and I am an impetulant child who should have earned the right to want.

I tried to get my drivers license two times this week and failed them both, my mother, in the car, admitted to me that she already knew I 'wasn't ready' and she took me anyway because I kept asking, I didn't even want to take it but I did since she needs someone to pay the car bills, and I guess maybe I should have actually listened to her for once and not have done it. I'm an adult, I can suck it up and get a job and get there on time, somehow, because there's nothing stopping me from it, besides myself.

I wish the sperm cell that won the race in my sperm donors nutsack wasn't me because lord knows those other small white cells deserved this life I have more than I do. I hate myself so bad.

I'm tired of the Microsoft launcher and I'm looking for the original launcher, but one that's cracked. I literally can't play any version below 1.9. :|