u/Fickle_Umpire_136

Earlier this year I (30F) was in a dead-end shitty situation, so my aunt and uncle offered to let me come live with them rent free so I can rebuild my savings and eventually go back to finish my degree.

So I transferred my job (I was a server) to the store down here in Florida. The culture at my new store was overbearing so I quit after a week, and got a new job at an Italian restaurant. It was a pretty dead restaurant so I quit for a more high-volume restaurant that after a month fired me because they caught me with my medical marijuana vape at work. My aunt encouraged me to take my time finding a different job, and I eventually found one at a retirement home.

I got hired, just did my onboarding paperwork the other day, and now I have a bunch of training videos I need to watch before I can officially be put on the schedule. I haven’t started any of the videos yet, and could have by now, but figured I’d complete them over the holiday weekend and instead have been more focused on reading about my own personal interests (biology, history, etc).

I am 30 years old sitting in my pjs in the afternoon with a stack of books on my interests next to me currently. I feel guilty and like a freeloader? I’m not sure why.

I do help my aunt & uncle out as much as possible while I’m home (chores, help them care for their dog, etc). But I still feel just… vaguely bad and like a loser.

I’ll try to tell these stories as unbiased as possible.

My older sister (39F), who I (30F) was pretty close to a year ago, discarded me over work drama. Up until this point she always noted how I was the most loyal person she’d ever met.

My friend (who is a manager in training) and I helped her get a job as a server at my work last year. I was excited to have everyone meet her, and thought it would be fun working together.

But upon starting the job, she was pretty rude to my friend for no reason, and was also incredibly rude to our line cooks, which kinda shocked me. However when we noticed that she was sharking tables for herself, and after a fruitless attempt to speak to her myself about it, I, and then my friend addressed it with my manager. My sister interpreted this as me “ganging up” on her.

Will try to spare too many details on this one, but there was also a rumor going around that my manager slept with her boss to get the position she had. My sister believed it. I really liked my manager, she was the best one I’ve had yet, and felt this was unfair to discredit her success, and vented to my friend about it. My sister one day was paranoid that our manager was giving her the cold shoulder, and assumed it was because I told her that she endorsed the rumor that she basically slept her way into her position. With zero evidence, and without even letting me speak. So she cut me off. The only person left in my family.

Turns out, my manager didn’t even know about all of this and was just as confused as I was.

I was living with my ex boyfriend at the time, and was going crazy. He and I triggered each other constantly. So I moved to Florida to live with my aunt and uncle, (before this they were family friends) who have become my new family and who are very supportive and kind to me.

After I moved, on my birthday, after months of not hearing from her, she messaged me saying “Happy birthday” and how she missed me and wanted me to come back.

My ex boyfriend (39M) is a very kindhearted person, but was very emotionally unavailable. He did some very nice things for me, including covering our rent for multiple months while I was out of work (and I paid him back, plus some). He also helped me move to Florida. I tried to be kind to him as well: helped him care for his cats, took care of most of the cleaning in the house, would bring him home little trinkets from the thrift store I thought he’d like, etc. I tried to be a good friend and keep my word.

But he also refused to ever tell me he loved me, was not reassuring, preferred porn over intimacy, very rarely ever complimented me or made me feel pretty, refused to take initiative in the ways I told him were important to me, (like going on dates and doing fun things together). He works as a manager of a strop club, and was often at work so we barely had any time to spend together. I asked him to text me to keep a connection while he was away, and he just… didn’t.

How did I react to this? I attempted to talk to him about it repeatedly, to the point where “issues” was literally all we talked about. He often had an excuse for why he couldn’t talk about it, wanted me to talk to him about “normal things,” but for whatever reason I just couldn’t sit there and talk to him about Pokémon when there were all of these glaring issues in our relationship that were unresolved.

He kept asking me to stop when I’d pour out how I felt, but I just couldn’t at the time. I felt justified and wanted him to listen. For some reason, he never shut the door on me, and sat there with grace, but it felt like screaming into a void and nothing ever got resolved.

While he was kind in many ways, I feel emotionally abandoned by him and very angry and bitter about our failed relationship because at one point I REALLY thought the world of him. He said he wanted to stay friends. But after I’ve moved, we haven’t talked much, and when he texted me for the first time in weeks to ask for my PIN to our internet so he could transfer it to his name (it was in my name), I just canceled the internet on him. Yes it was spiteful on my part, I didn’t feel like taking the high road for once. I was angry. And this was where he drew the line and told me to not contact him anymore.

When my sister heard about this from my ex, she defended my him, saying “Dude… He drove you to Florida, covered rent for you multiple times, what is your deal?” When I told her to not interject her opinions about my relationship, she told me to have a nice life.

This morning I saw she deleted me from Facebook.

———————-

I feel an immense amount of guilt and shame. Despite trying to be a good person, I feel like I am a bad person who does not deserve friends, or good things.

My Dad died in 2018. My Mom went from being my best friend to becoming incredibly abusive after this. And now years later, my sister has cut me off and my ex wants nothing to do with me and these are the only meaningful relationships I’ve ever really had in my life.

How am I not supposed to feel like a bad person?

I’ll try to tell these stories as unbiased as possible.

My older sister (39F), who I (30F) was pretty close to a year ago, discarded me over work drama. Up until this point she always noted how I was the most loyal person she’d ever met.

My friend (who is a manager in training) and I helped her get a job as a server at my work last year. I was excited to have everyone meet her, and thought it would be fun working together.

But upon starting the job, she was pretty rude to my friend for no reason, and was also incredibly rude to our line cooks, which kinda shocked me. However when we noticed that she was sharking tables for herself, and after a fruitless attempt to speak to her myself about it, I, and then my friend addressed it with my manager. My sister interpreted this as me “ganging up” on her.

Will try to spare too many details on this one, but there was also a rumor going around that my manager slept with her boss to get the position she had. My sister believed it. I really liked my manager, she was the best one I’ve had yet, and felt this was unfair to discredit her success, and vented to my friend about it. My sister one day was paranoid that our manager was giving her the cold shoulder, and assumed it was because I told her that she endorsed the rumor that she basically slept her way into her position. With zero evidence, and without even letting me speak. So she cut me off. The only person left in my family.

Turns out, my manager didn’t even know about all of this and was just as confused as I was.

I was living with my ex boyfriend at the time, and was going crazy. He and I triggered each other constantly. So I moved to Florida to live with my aunt and uncle, (before this they were family friends) who have become my new family and who are very supportive and kind to me.

After I moved, on my birthday, after months of not hearing from her, she messaged me saying “Happy birthday” and how she missed me and wanted me to come back.

My ex boyfriend (39M) is a very kindhearted person, but was very emotionally unavailable. He did some very nice things for me, including covering our rent for multiple months while I was out of work (and I paid him back, plus some). He also helped me move to Florida. I tried to be kind to him as well: helped him care for his cats, took care of most of the cleaning in the house, would bring him home little trinkets from the thrift store I thought he’d like, etc. I tried to be a good friend and keep my word.

But he also refused to ever tell me he loved me, was not reassuring, preferred porn over intimacy, very rarely ever complimented me or made me feel pretty, refused to take initiative in the ways I told him were important to me, (like going on dates and doing fun things together). He works as a manager of a strop club, and was often at work so we barely had any time to spend together. I asked him to text me to keep a connection while he was away, and he just… didn’t.

How did I react to this? I attempted to talk to him about it repeatedly, to the point where “issues” was literally all we talked about. He often had an excuse for why he couldn’t talk about it, wanted me to talk to him about “normal things,” but for whatever reason I just couldn’t sit there and talk to him about Pokémon when there were all of these glaring issues in our relationship that were unresolved.

He kept asking me to stop when I’d pour out how I felt, but I just couldn’t at the time. I felt justified and wanted him to listen. For some reason, he never shut the door on me, and sat there with grace, but it felt like screaming into a void and nothing ever got resolved.

While he was kind in many ways, I feel emotionally abandoned by him and very angry and bitter about our failed relationship because at one point I REALLY thought the world of him. He said he wanted to stay friends. But after I’ve moved, we haven’t talked much, and when he texted me for the first time in weeks to ask for my PIN to our internet so he could transfer it to his name (it was in my name), I just canceled the internet on him. Yes it was spiteful on my part, I didn’t feel like taking the high road for once. I was angry. And this was where he drew the line and told me to not contact him anymore.

When my sister heard about this from my ex, she defended my him, saying “Dude… He drove you to Florida, covered rent for you multiple times, what is your deal?” When I told her to not interject her opinions about my relationship, she told me to have a nice life.

This morning I saw she deleted me from Facebook.

———————-

I feel an immense amount of guilt and shame. Despite trying to be a good person, I feel like I am a bad person who does not deserve friends, or good things.

My Dad died in 2018. My Mom went from being my best friend to becoming incredibly abusive after this. And now years later, my sister has cut me off and my ex wants nothing to do with me and these are the only meaningful relationships I’ve ever really had in my life.

How am I not supposed to feel like a bad person?

My ex(39M) often took the high road during times of conflict. He has a remarkable ability to control his emotions. He only lost his temper on me once or twice in 7 years. He never said anything overtly mean to me. During my “talks” with him he rarely shut his bedroom door on me and tolerated my “speeches” with grace, even if he refused/was unable to reassure me in the ways I needed. He covered rent for me for multiple months when I was trying to find a job. He drove me 1400 miles round trip to Florida at the end of our relationship because I needed help moving.

But he also emotionally abandoned me when I felt the most vulnerable. He emotionally abandoned me when what I needed most was to be understood, accepted and loved, and I have left our relationship feeling crazy, unlikable, unloveable, unattractive. Despite my most candid attempts to “reach” and get on the same page. And confused the living hell out of me. I’ve fully realized today that is where my never ending bitterness and anger towards him comes from.

He refused to ever tell me he loved me, but I learned recently he told his exes he loved them. He also refused to tell me that he didn’t love me. He preferred porn over intimacy. He refused to even attempt to go on dates with me despite my attempts to clearly communicate that this is what would help our relationship. He very rarely ever complimented me or made me feel pretty. He was a horrible listener. He refused to say happy birthday most years. He let me clean the house all the time without lifting a finger in return to help. And towards the end of our relationship, while he was at work all the time (as a manager at a strip club), he refused to text me to keep a connection while we were apart despite the fact that I asked this of him over and over and over again.

Emotional abandonment is extremely painful, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.

Can anyone relate to this?

I would love to understand this book despite the fact that I don’t really have much knowledge in basic physics. Is this realistic? I find it a bit difficult despite it being an introductory book, and feel a bit dumb. I’m considering just teaching myself physics fundamentals first but I’m not sure if I could power through it without doing this?

I’m 30F. I was just fired a few days ago from my serving job for poor performance and being caught with a medical marijuana vape. I live with my aunt and uncle who offered to let me come live with them rent free while I rebuild my life and savings after a failed relationship with my ex, who I was stuck living with.

I’ve been fired multiple times over the years, for being disorganized and not working quickly enough, particularly from almost every restaurant job I’ve had except for First Watch, where I worked for a year. I know I can serve, it just really depends on how comfortable and stimulated I am at work. If I feel watched or micromanaged, I easily lose confidence and my anxiety spirals into a self fulfilling prophecy that results in my being fired. If I am bored, (which was often the case at my recent job since it was so slow) I lose focus.

I smoke weed at work to tolerate being at work. I know this isn’t sustainable so I’m trying to only smoke at night before bed now.

All I want to do is read books. All day every day. And that is all I’ve been doing since I’ve been fired. My aunt said I do not need to stress about finding a new job yet, but I feel like a loser. I don’t know what I want to even do now for a job. Starting over again in a new restaurant around new people, a new menu, new seating arrangements, etc is fucking exhausting and daunting. I have no idea what I want to do for a career. I did well in school and used to be ambitious, but after my Dad died in 2018 I dropped out in my junior year of college and haven’t gone back yet.

I have a dog and have for 8 years now, and I’m overwhelmed with caring for her. I feel listless, lazy, tired, and all I want to do is read.

I do try to help out as much as I can around the house and be as useful as possible, but my dog possibly shit on the floor this morning and my uncle rolled through it in his wheelchair and then unbeknownst to him, all over the house tracking shit everywhere. My aunt is already burnt out being my uncles caregiver and doesn’t need more stress. They love my dog and my dog usually doesn’t have accidents in the house but I just feel like a loser who is getting in the way. They are so incredibly supportive of me but I just feel guilty and like a failure.

Meanwhile my ex(38M) is a successful strip club manager, wearing sophisticated suits and outfits and driving a 70s Chevy. And then there’s me, the college drop out living at home who can barely hold down a job or walk her dog consistently.

I recently moved in with my aunt and uncle. Ive lived here for 2 months so far. I have an 8 year old Pitt mix, and she’s always been very cuddly with me. But now she prefers to lay with my aunt whenever we are all watching tv on the couch. She looks so happy and comfy laying with my aunt on the other couch right now while I lay by myself with a blanket.

When we go to bed, she prefers to lay on the end of my bed now or in her crate than under the covers with me like we’ve always done. She also seems more excited and happy to see my aunt when she comes home than she does when I come home. Is this concerning at all, as in she likes my aunt more than she likes me? Otherwise she’s acting totally normal and is much happier since we’ve moved from my last house where I lived with my ex.

I’m just kinda bummed but I don’t know if I’m taking it too personally:( I love her and it makes me kinda sad.

I recently moved in with my aunt and uncle. Ive lived here for 2 months so far. I have an 8 year old Pitt mix, and she’s always been very cuddly with me. But now she prefers to lay with my aunt whenever we are all watching tv on the couch. She looks so happy and comfy laying with my aunt on the other couch right now while I lay by myself with a blanket.

When we go to bed, she prefers to lay on the end of my bed now or in her crate than under the covers with me like we’ve always done. She also seems more excited and happy to see my aunt when she comes home than she does when I come home. Is this concerning at all, as in she likes my aunt more than she likes me? Otherwise she’s acting totally normal and is much happier since we’ve moved from my last house where I lived with my ex.

I’m just kinda bummed but I don’t know if I’m taking it too personally:( I love her and it makes me kinda sad.

I (30F) started at a local restaurant a month ago as a server. It is renowned for being the best in the area. Before I worked here, I worked at First Watch for a year and did well there when I lived in a different state, but felt there were too many odd rules that corporate fixated on (such as not being allowed to use a server book for example) down here in Florida near headquarters, where I recently moved.

Serving dinner with appetizer courses is a little bit of an adjustment from First Watch, and I’ll be honest I was a bit forgetful about bringing out people’s appetizer salads or soups at the proper time. I would say I did bring them out at the right time most of the time, but whenever I didn’t, my GM happened to be right there and would notice and call me out for it. I could have having a great shift, would have customers complimenting me, but then would get the wrong customers who are very unforgiving about having an appetizer come out late, and my GM would hold that against me as if that is truly representative of my service.

For example one day I was having a good shift, no issues. Then I had a couple come in that told me right off the bat how they know the owners and this is their first time my company’s restaurant (they had been to their other restaurants around town). The customer told me how he wanted his Crown/Diet Pepsi tall with the Diet Pepsi on the side, and told me in an odd way, but I wrote it down exactly as he said it and when I brought it out as Crown on the rocks in a tall glass with Diet Pepsi on the side, he said “No no no no no, that is NOT what I ordered.” And reexplained to me. All he needed to do was pour the Diet Pepsi in his glass and ask for another Diet Pepsi. But anyway. He then orders his sandwich and specifies “NO SETUP.” I figured he meant no lettuce, tomato onion, etc but looked at him a little confused and he said “Oh, I guess you haven’t been a server long. I’m a server.” And condescendingly explained what he meant.

I was pretty anxious during this whole encounter and my mind blanked out and I couldn’t really function. My GM of course was the person who noticed all of this and went up to talk to them and convince them to give them another chance because at this point I was avoiding the table and they were extremely upset. Later I was written up for this because I gave a “very seasoned guest” bad service.

I asked for feedback from multiple managers and they said I was doing fine, that it’s a “challenging place to work,” “you’re going to make mistakes! You’ve only been here a month, it’ll just take time, dont worry.” One manager said he would have some difficulty with it and it would take him a couple of months to get into a groove.

I also have a lot of anxiety in restaurants from bad experiences in the past of being fired for my forgetfulness and disorganization. So whenever I make mistakes and especially if I have a GM that notices takes them very seriously, my anxiety ramps up and then I can’t think clearly enough to perform. I’ll start spiraling about how stupid I feel and blank out.

So one day I went up to one of my managers and asked them if they ever get anxious before work, and he said he does everyday. He coached me and gave me good advice and I felt very heard and supported. At the end of the shift, he prefaced by saying how I am not in trouble at all, but that at our restaurant we just have to document all conversations. He wrote in the comments how he had coached me to let loose more and have fun with the job. To me it looked like a write up, but he assured me everything was fine, so I wrote in the comments about how I appreciated the support and understanding from him and signed it.

I smoke medical marijuana and I bring my vape to work. It is discreet and doesn’t smell. I have been vaping more out back because it has been so slow since season ended and the snowbirds have gone home. My GM ended up finding it yesterday and told me after finding that, coupled with my performance, I was terminated. He had printed out my first write up with the GM about the crown/Diet Pepsi guy, and also the “write up” from the other manager that I was told wasn’t a write up, and used those against me.

As I was walked out with another manager, I asked him if I was really that bad at serving. He said no, he thought I was fine.

——

I get that I’m not the most fantastic server. I am absentminded and forgetful in my daily life. But I overall had more happy guests leave than upset guests, and do not feel like my GM took a holistic view of my actual performance but highlighted and zoned in on any mistakes I made and used them against me. I do try, and I’m just not sure how to process this. I feel like a hopeless failure.

Another question I have. My ex boyfriend is a manager at a strip club, and brings his (pretty smelly) dab pen to work every day and shares it with the dancers, bartenders, etc. In an illegal state. How is he able to get away with this?

I started at a local restaurant a month ago. It is renowned for being the best in the area. Before I worked here, I worked at First Watch for a year and did well there when I lived in a different state, but felt there were too many odd rules that corporate fixated on (such as not being allowed to use a server book for example) down here in Florida near headquarters, where I recently moved.

Serving dinner with appetizer courses is a little bit of an adjustment from First Watch, and I’ll be honest I was a bit forgetful about bringing out people’s appetizer salads or soups at the proper time. I would say I did bring them out at the right time most of the time, but whenever I didn’t, my GM happened to be right there and would notice and call me out for it. I could have having a great shift, would have customers complimenting me, but then would get the wrong customers who are very unforgiving about having an appetizer come out late, and my GM would hold that against me as if that is truly representative of my service.

For example one day I was having a good shift, and had a couple come in that told me right off the bat how they know the owners and this is their first time my company’s restaurant (they had been to their other restaurants around town). The customer told me how he wanted his Crown/Diet Pepsi with the Diet Pepsi on the side, and told me in an odd way, but I wrote it down exactly as he said it and when I brought it out as Crown on the rocks in a tall glass with Diet Pepsi on the side, he said “No no no no no, that is NOT what I ordered.” And reexplained to me. All he needed to do was pour the Diet Pepsi in his glass and ask for another Diet Pepsi. But anyway. He then orders his sandwich and specifies “NO SETUP.” I figured he meant no lettuce, tomato onion, etc but looked at him a little confused and he said “Oh, I guess you haven’t been a server long. I’m a server.” And condescendingly explained what he meant.

I was pretty anxious during this whole encounter and my mind blanked out and I couldn’t really function. My GM of course was the person who noticed all of this and went up to talk to them and convince them to give them another chance. Later I was written up for this because I have a “very seasoned guest” bad service.

I asked for feedback from multiple managers and they said I was doing fine, that it’s a “challenging place to work,” “I’ve only been here a month, it’ll just take time, dont worry.” One manager said he would have some difficulty with it and it would take him a couple of months to get into a groove.

I also have a lot of anxiety in restaurants from bad experiences in the past of being fired for my forgetfulness and disorganization. So whenever I make mistakes and especially if I have a GM that notices takes them very seriously, my anxiety ramps up and then I can’t think clearly enough to perform. I’ll start spiraling about how stupid I feel and blank out.

So one day I went up to one of my managers and asked them if they ever get anxious before work, and he said he does everyday. He coached me and gave me good advice and I felt very heard and supported. At the end of the shift, he prefaced by saying how I am not in trouble at all, but that at our restaurant we just have to document all conversations. He wrote in the comments how he had coached me to let loose more and have fun with the job. To me it looked like a write up, but he assured me everything was fine, so I wrote in the comments about how I appreciated the support and understanding from him and signed it.

I smoke medical marijuana and I bring my vape to work. It is discreet and doesn’t smell. I have been vaping more out back because it has been so slow since season ended and the snowbirds have gone home. My GM ended up finding it yesterday and told me after finding that, coupled with my performance, I was terminated. He had printed out my first write up with the GM about the crown/Diet Pepsi guy, and also the “write up” from the other manager that I was told wasn’t a write up, and used those against me.

As I was walked out with another manager, I asked him if I was really that bad at serving. He said no, he thought I was fine.

——

I get that I’m not the most fantastic server. I am absentminded and forgetful in my daily life. But I do try, and I’m just not sure how to process this. I feel like a hopeless failure.

What is wrong with people? How hard is it to remember salads? Absolutely unacceptable.

I work at a popular grill as a server. My shift starts at 10:30, restaurant opens at 11. It is now slow season here in Florida, so business is a lot slower everywhere, particularly in the mornings/afternoon shift. It will often take a good while until things start picking up. I’m not concerned about making money here, I know severs do well here overall particularly during season and during dinner shifts (which I don’t get often yet as a newbie). There’s definitely money to be made so I don’t plan on quitting.

In the mornings though, the hosts let people basically choose where to sit. And everyone chooses to sit in a certain area of the restaurant with the best views first, which often means my section is dead until noon. Servers will just stand around talking, or eating until they’re sat or while it is slow. There really isn’t anything to do. I could run food, but there is a food runner and there isn’t much to run. So I’ll run drinks for people at the bar when they are there. Sidework can’t be done till the end of the shift, and there is no silver to roll.

I am an introvert and I’m new here also. I have social anxiety. I prefer to be busy at work, and hate standing around awkwardly in a relatively new environment around a bunch of new people. So during these times I will pull out my Kindle and try to read a bit to kill time, (not in front of customers), while paying attention to the one or two tables I have of course.

My manager told me to put it away today.

So, what am I supposed to be doing in the morning when it’s slow if I don’t feel like chatting with coworkers? Assuming cups are all stocked, etc. Walking in laps around the restaurant? Standing and staring into space with a big smile plastered on my face?

I work at a popular grill as a server. My shift starts at 10:30, restaurant opens at 11. It is now slow season here in Florida, so business is a lot slower everywhere, particularly in the mornings/afternoon shift. It will often take a good while until things start picking up. I’m not concerned about making money here, I know severs do well here overall particularly during season and during dinner shifts (which I don’t get often yet as a newbie). There’s definitely money to be made so I don’t plan on quitting.

In the mornings though, the hosts let people basically choose where to sit. And everyone chooses to sit in a certain area of the restaurant with the best views first, which often means my section is dead until noon. Servers will just stand around talking, or eating until they’re sat or while it is slow. There really isn’t anything to do. I could run food, but there is a food runner and there isn’t much to run. So I’ll run drinks for people at the bar when they are there. Sidework can’t be done till the end of the shift, and there is no silver to roll.

I am an introvert and I’m new here also. I have social anxiety. I prefer to be busy at work, and hate standing around awkwardly in a relatively new environment around a bunch of new people. So during these times I will pull out my Kindle and try to read a bit to kill time, (not in front of customers), while paying attention to the one or two tables I have of course.

My manager told me to put it away today.

So, what am I supposed to be doing in the morning when it’s slow if I don’t feel like chatting with coworkers? Assuming cups are all stocked, etc. Walking in laps around the restaurant? Standing and staring into space with a big smile plastered on my face?