u/FisherFan0072

I’m trying to make my 80+ year-old family member’s home safe and livable again. She is currently in hospice care at my home, so she is safe and being cared for while I work through this.

Her house has been severely neglected for years. There’s an enormous amount of stuff, stained carpet, damaged walls, bathrooms that need serious cleaning, and a lot of deferred maintenance.

I’m doing this essentially without help from other family, and I can’t afford to hire someone to renovate the entire house. I’m willing to do as much as I can myself: sorting, hauling, demo, painting, drywall repair, flooring, landscaping, etc.

My hard limit is anything heavily contaminated with urine/feces and the worst bathroom cleanup. I need professional help getting those areas sanitary, and then I can take it from there.

I would really appreciate recommendations, especially in the Austin area, for trustworthy and reasonably priced companies that handle this kind of cleanup. Should I be looking for biohazard remediation, hoarding cleanup, junk removal, or something else?

I’d also love advice from anyone who has tackled a house like this. What should I hire out, what can I realistically DIY, and where would you start?

I’m pretty overwhelmed by the scale of it, but I’m trying to take it one piece at a time and get her home back into decent shape.

I had one of the strangest and most painful relationship experiences I’ve ever had last night, and I’m curious how other people would handle this.

My boyfriend has been cheated on before. His ex-wife cheated on him, and another relationship also left him with some pretty significant trust issues. He actually started therapy yesterday, which I think is a really positive thing.

The weird part is that yesterday was otherwise wonderful.
We’ve been spending a lot of time together lately. We’ve told each other we love each other. We’ve talked about eventually living together. Marriage even came up at dinner. I surprised him with tickets to a candlelight string quartet concert, we had a great dinner, came home, were intimate and went to sleep.

Later he woke me up wanting to be intimate again. Apparently, while I was half asleep, as he woke me for sex, he believes I said, “Hank, I love you.”

I remember saying, “Hey, I love you.”

I’m not going to swear under oath that it’s impossible I said Hank because I was asleep. I genuinely don’t know. What I do know is that Hank is a former friend I haven’t seen since early July, and I am absolutely not cheating on my boyfriend with him or anyone else.

My boyfriend continued being intimate with me after he says he heard this, and afterward we cuddled. Then he suddenly sat up, I asked what was wrong, and it was like a dam broke.

It turned out he’d apparently been collecting things that made him suspicious for some time without telling me.
I text too much on my phone (I have work and a 17 year old daughter yesterday her sports team traveled to another town for a tournament and he knew this).

Sometimes I’m unavailable because of work. I go to the bathroom too often when we’re out. He thinks he once saw Hank’s truck leaving my house. Sometimes he feels like I hurry him out the door. Once I apparently said I was home when he arrived early and I wasn’t there, although he couldn’t tell me what day this supposedly happened. I called him “honey” instead of “babe.”

Some of these things have completely mundane explanations. Some are so vague I don’t even know how to defend myself against them.

I did admit one thing I’d hidden from him: sometimes I went to the bathroom to vape because I hadn’t told him I how much I was vaping again. He knew I had the nicotine habit just not how often. That was dishonest and I own it. But hiding vaping and secretly having another relationship are obviously very different things.

The conversation became awful.

I was crying uncontrollably trying to explain that I wasn’t cheating on him, and it felt like nothing I said could possibly change what he’d already decided. Eventually I felt like I was having a panic attack. I became angry too and threw one of his shoes at my dresser (he wasn’t anywhere nearby) when he wasn’t listening to me, which I regret and absolutely shouldn’t have done. Eventually I told him to leave.

What has bothered me most today isn’t even whether I said “Hank” or “hey” while half asleep.

It’s realizing that there was apparently nothing I could have said that would have proven I wasn’t cheating.

How do you prove something you’re not doing?

I can show someone my phone. I can explain where I’ve been. I can tell him who I’m texting. But eventually there will always be another unanswered text, errand I forgot to mention, person he doesn’t recognize, or ordinary thing that could be interpreted suspiciously.

I love this man. Until that conversation, I actually thought we were building a life together.

And I also have compassion for him. If you’ve been betrayed badly before, I understand how frightening it must be to become vulnerable with someone again. Part of me even wonders whether such a wonderful, intimate day made him feel more vulnerable, and believing he heard another man’s name triggered every fear he’d been carrying.

I don’t think I can live my life constantly proving that I’m not cheating. Which also, as a single mom to a 17 year old and the primary caregiver to a bed bound 82 year old grandmother and two full time work from home jobs seems impossible. I’m beyond grateful that he was coming over to me a lot and I planned us a nice date night away from home but holy hell. This is a lot.

So I guess my question is for people who have either had serious trust issues after betrayal or dated someone who did:

Can this actually be repaired? What does healthy rebuilding look like without turning the relationship into surveillance? And at what point do you accept that someone’s past relationship wounds are making a healthy relationship with them impossible?

I went to a birthday party last night. It was my first real social outing in months, and I ran into one of the guys I used to drink with pretty regularly.

He asked if I was still not drinking. I told him, pretty proudly, that I was 122 days strong.

His response was basically, “When you decide to start drinking again, call me. I’ve seen this show before. You’ll quit for six months or a year or longer, but you always go back.”

That got under my skin more than I expected. Part of the reason is that there’s a little truth buried in what he said. I have stopped drinking before. I’ve gone six months. I’ve gone a year. I’ve had stretches where I genuinely believed I was done, and eventually I drank again.

But there’s one pretty significant thing he doesn’t know:
I haven’t done this before.

Before, I stopped drinking. This time, I’m working a program. I have a sponsor. I have a home group. I’m working the Steps. I’m doing service. I’m surrounded by people who understand alcoholism and recovery, and I’m actually trying to figure out the things in me that made picking up a drink seem like a good idea again after six months or a year.

There’s a difference between not drinking and learning how to live sober. I’m finally starting to understand that.

This was also someone I used to drink hard with.

Wednesday through Sunday wasn’t unheard of. He has his own struggle with cocaine, which was something I never touched. I don’t say that because I think my addiction was somehow better than his. If anything, it made the interaction feel even stranger. Here was someone still caught up in his own stuff telling me, with absolute certainty, that eventually I’d be back.

He also told me how good I looked. He noticed the weight I’d lost and said I looked healthy. So apparently the change is visible, even to someone who doesn’t believe it’s permanent. Maybe that’s why his comment bothered me so much. This was my first real outing in months, I was genuinely proud to say “122 days,” and someone from my old drinking life immediately reduced everything I’ve been doing to another temporary break.

But maybe he really has seen the old show before. I’m determined not to start again this time. I had to really think about why. This time I’m not just trying to change the ending. I’m doing something I’ve never done before:

122 days. Sponsor. Home group. Steps. One day at a time.

My 82-year-old grandmother lives with me in Austin and is currently receiving hospice care at home.

I work from home and am her primary caregiver. Between working, making three meals a day, helping her with bathroom trips, medications, and everything else that comes with caring for someone at home, one of the things I’m struggling with is simply being able to sit and talk with her as much as she would like.

That’s literally all I’m looking for help with.

I would be home and working during the visits. I’m not looking for someone to provide medical care, help her use the bathroom, prepare food, administer medication, or be responsible for her in any way. If she needs something, I’m right there.

I just need someone who might enjoy sitting with an elderly lady for an hour or two, talking with her, listening to her stories, having coffee, looking through pictures, or just keeping her company while I get some work done.

I realize this is an unusual thing to ask, but I also know there are people who enjoy spending time with older adults. Maybe you’re retired, a college student interested in gerontology or social work, part of a church or volunteer organization, or you just miss having a grandmother around.

I’d obviously talk with and meet anyone first, and I won’t share our address or identifying information publicly.

If anyone knows of a free volunteer program in Austin that does this, I’d love recommendations too.

I love my grandmother and I’m grateful that I’m able to have her here with me. I just can’t realistically be her caregiver, work, run the household, and also be her conversation partner all day. Having someone come over occasionally just to talk to her would be an enormous help.

I’m not looking for legal advice. I already have an attorney involved, law enforcement is involved, and a protective-order application is underway. I think I mostly need to hear from people who have dealt with dysfunctional family members while trying to protect an elderly relative.

My grandmother is elderly, physically very limited, and dependent on other people for a lot of her daily care. Her adult son has lived in her house for about ten years.

Over the last several days, I learned considerably more about what has apparently been happening inside that house than I ever wanted to know.

My grandmother has told me that she is afraid of him. She has described constant yelling and intimidation, problems getting adequate food and water, interference with her care, and an incident where she believed she was having a medical emergency and says he refused to get her help.

I actually have a voicemail from that incident asking me to get emergency services for her. (I called 911 on her behalf and got her out of the home but police didn’t show, EMS took her very quickly to the hospital, kept her overnight and worked with hospice to get her a 5 day respite stay while I worked in the background, frantically with adult protective services and an attorney on her behalf).

Some of her professional caregivers have apparently witnessed portions of the behavior as well.

She is currently out of the house receiving care, and she has told me she does not feel safe going back home while he is still living there. So when she is discharged, she is temporarily coming to live with me. I contacted my landlord and am having her formally added to my lease while we sort everything out.

Meanwhile, my grandmother gave me power of attorney, and I’ve suddenly found myself responsible for untangling her finances and figuring out what bills and accounts exist. I’ve spent hours at the bank securing her accounts and trying to reconstruct what has been happening financially.

Also, my grandmother’s request, I also formally notified her son that she wants him to leave her house. He has never paid rent. There is no lease. He has been there ten years.

That went about as well as you would imagine.

When I delivered the notice, he became hostile and made a threat about destroying the house and making this difficult. I happened to record the interaction. I reported it to police, they called me back, and the report is being assigned to an investigator.

Then shortly afterward I got a text essentially telling me I’d made a “big mistake” because he’d supposedly spoken to an attorney. He’s been stealing her money but doesn’t have any for an attorney so I’m not worried.

At this point I have an elder-law attorney getting involved, a protective-order application underway, a police report/investigator, financial records I’m trying to make sense of, an elderly grandmother who can’t safely return to her own home right now, and a hostile family member who absolutely despises me.

I’m also in the process of to turning my home into a place where Grandma can safely live and receive care while all of this gets sorted out.

I’m trying very hard to keep this from becoming a personal war between me and him. My position is basically: Grandma gets to decide what happens to Grandma. If she says she doesn’t feel safe, I’m going to believe her and make sure she has somewhere safe to go while the professionals and courts handle the rest.

But this is an enormous amount to suddenly carry.

For those of you who have had to step in for an elderly parent or grandparent when another family member was the problem: how did you keep yourself sane while dealing with all of it?

Not looking for legal strategy. I could really use the perspective of people who have lived through the family/caregiver side of something like this.

I’m on Day 84, so I’m still pretty new to AA.

When I first came into the program, I accidentally bought a First Edition Big Book because I didn’t know there were different editions. My sponsor thought it was neat, but today, while we were doing step work over the phone (she lives in another state), she told me, “You really need to go get yourself a Fourth Edition.”

So I got in the car and headed out.

I ended up stopping at a used bookstore. I walked over to the self-help section and found an entire shelf of used Big Books.

My first reaction wasn’t excitement. It was sadness.
I kept thinking, “Why don’t these books have owners anymore?”

Then I started opening them: One had pages and pages of names and phone numbers from people in AA.

Another had handwritten affirmations:
“I am worthy of being happy.”
“I am worthy of being sober.”
“I am capable of loving myself.”

Another had this reflection written inside:
If I gave you a debit card and told you it was all the money you’d ever have for the rest of your life, but I didn’t tell you how much was on it, how would you spend it?
The debit card is life. The money is time. The bank is God.

Suddenly it occurred to me these weren’t just used books. They were pieces of someone’s recovery.

I found myself wondering about the people who had owned them:

-Did they get 30 years sober and their family donated the books after they passed away?
-Did they relapse?
-Did they buy a newer edition and pass these along?
-Did recovery give them a life they never thought possible?

I’ll never know.

Then it occurred to me that maybe I’m asking the wrong question. Instead of wondering why these books no longer have owners, maybe I should be grateful they still have something to say.

Someone wrote those notes because they were trying to stay sober one day at a time. Years later, a complete stranger opened that same book and found encouragement in their handwriting.

It reminded me that recovery is bigger than any one of us. We leave pieces of our experience behind for people we’ll probably never meet.

I ended up buying a Fourth Edition today like my sponsor suggested. I also left with something I wasn’t looking for: a reminder that this program keeps carrying the message, sometimes through the people we meet, and sometimes through the words they leave behind.

Has anyone else ever stumbled across an old Big Book with someone else’s notes in it? It was unexpectedly moving.

I am traveling and not at home right now. I’m over 1500 miles away, actually. I wanted to find an in-person meeting because I hadn’t been able to pick up my 60-day chip. I download an AA meeting locator app, navigate an unfamiliar subway system… find the meeting spot. It was challenging but I kept going because I’d always find a way or reason to drink. I told myself repeatedly to get there early in case something goes awry etc.

I got there early, only to find out the club was unexpectedly locked. A bunch of people are sitting in a stairwell waiting. After about 30 minutes, Instead of everyone just leaving, I asked everyone if they wanted to do the meeting outside. The men seemed hesitant so I ask a few women if they wanted to have a women’s meeting anyway.

They agree. One suggested we go get tea. So that’s exactly what we did.

Four women, tea, and one of the most genuine AA meetings I’ve ever been part of. At one point I mentioned that I’d really been hoping to get my 60-day chip.

When we finished, one of the women asked if I was in a hurry. We walked back to the club together after it opened, and without me asking, she bought me a 60-day chip and handed it to me.

I cried. There were hugs. Even the guy who was doing service selling the chip got involved. It was great.

I asked the woman if I could give her the $1.50 for the chip. She said “no, silly. Someone has to give it to you that’s the whole point.”

A locked meeting led to new sober friends, exchanged phone numbers, and a complete stranger making sure I didn’t leave without my chip.

Recovery has taught me that the meeting isn’t always in the meeting room. Sometimes it’s around a table with a few women, a pot of tea, and an unexpected act of kindness that reminds you you’re never alone.

Today was one of those days that reminded me to pay it forward and that we have to keep giving away what was so freely given to us. ❤️

I’m a woman with about two months of sobriety. I’ve been dating a man with 20 years sober for about a month. We only went on two dates.

The first date was coffee. The second was a boat trip to an island where I packed a nice snack for us. We watched the sunset.

During that date, he was very physically affectionate, and afterward I honestly felt like a lot of the focus had been on my body rather than getting to know me. There were times I actually felt uncomfortable but gave him the benefit of the doubt because maybe he was nervous? I liked being able to talk to him about a lot of things and not feeling judged.

Shortly after I left on a planned two-week solo RV trip. When I got back, I arrived home around 3 a.m. and then spent time with my daughter. During that whole period I was gone we still texted. We talked multiple times on the phone. I flirted with him, told him I’d see him when he got back from his trip, shared what I was doing in AA, talked about my sponsor giving me homework, told him about my Step 4 work (not in detail), and invited him into that part of my life.

Then he texted me saying he was going to move on because he wanted someone who was “crazy about him.”

He also told me to stop “lollygagging” on my Step 4 and suggested maybe we could try again after I’d completed Steps 10, 11, and 12 and “found myself.”

That comment is what really hurt.

I’m completely okay with someone deciding we’re not a match. What I’m struggling with is whether it was fair to judge my recovery after knowing me for about a month and going on two dates.

I know my recovery comes first. I resigned myself to not dating during early recovery but thought this guy might be different and understanding. I’m working with a sponsor, going to meetings, doing service, and working my inventory. Step 4 has taken longer than I expected, but I’m doing the work.

I’m interested in perspective from people with long-term sobriety.

Is it common for people to expect someone with only a couple of months sober to have finished Step 4 already?

Was his assessment of my recovery reasonable, or was he simply expressing that we weren’t a good match?

Would your sponsor have anything to say about telling someone they’re “lollygagging” in their program after knowing them for only a month? This doesn’t seem fair and I’m pretty sure I’d never say that to anyone early in recovery.

Also, for reference we live in the same area but have different home groups. We met outside of the rooms. I did not decide to get sober because of meeting him, it was a decision I made before our first date. At 66 days now. Thanks everyone.

I’m open to hearing if I have a blind spot here.

I’m still pretty new to sobriety (43 days), and this weekend I flew across the country for a sober gathering with my Homegroup. It was the first time meeting everyone in real life (we meet online regularly). Somewhere along the way, I was gifted a cutting that I was told came from the garden of Bill W and Lois.

Now, I have no idea how many generations removed it is, or whether that’s one of those AA stories that has taken on a life of its own over the years. Maybe somebody here knows if that’s actually a thing?

Either way, I spent today carrying this unassuming little plant through two flights, three airports, and a long travel day like it was some priceless artifact. 😂

People stopped to ask me about it. They were curious. So I’d explain it to them. More people than I realized ever would admitted they were also sober and one even said it was great to chat, that they needed that today and their higher power must have brought us together. It was almost surreal.

At first, it was kind of a hassle. From returning the car I rented to getting thru TSA with it and then even just boarding the first flight I had to think about where it was, make sure it didn’t get crushed, and generally babysit the thing all day. I carried it in one hand and had a backpack on. I’m pretty sure I looked absurd. I even took photos of it and videos and shared it in the Homegroup group chat updating people on how it was doing.

Somewhere between airport terminals, I started wondering if maybe that was the point.

Instead of obsessing over myself, worrying about delays, or getting wrapped up in all the usual travel frustrations, I had something to care for. Something people trusted me with. And strangely enough, it felt like an honor.

I have to admit now that I’m writing this out, not once did I think about drinking at the airport because I had this plant to take care of the ENTIRE TIME. It was distracting. But I figured if I lost it, or it died, or if something took my attention away somehow and it didn’t get home safe with me, I’d be letting down my Homegroup that trusted me with it.

Whether it really traces back to Bill and Lois’ garden or not, I know it came to me from people whose sobriety I admire. And someday I’ll pass along cuttings to others, because that’s kind of how this whole thing works, isn’t it?

Keep what you have by giving it away. 🌱

Also if anyone knows whether these “Bill and Lois plants” are actually a real tradition, or if you have one, I’d love to hear the story.

Well, it finally happened.

I got laid off today.

I had a surprise meeting on my calendar with my boss's boss. The invite said it was just a quick check-in while my supervisor was out. I spent the entire weekend convincing myself I was getting fired for performance.

Then I logged into Zoom this morning and saw HR sitting in the meeting.

At that moment, I knew.

This was my primary role. About $150k/year. I genuinely loved the work, loved the people, and was shocked by the decision. HR told me it wasn't performance-related and that multiple positions were being eliminated. They offered me a severance package worth a little over $23,000 and even said they would want me to reapply if the position ever came back.

Still, getting laid off sucks.

That said, today reminded me exactly why I became overemployed over a year and a half ago.

My biggest takeaway is that I never allowed my lifestyle to keep pace with my highest income. Even though this was my primary role, I still have another OE bringing in about $6,000/month and another bringing in about $5,700/month. Although I recently went thru a divorce and moved out on my own, having a single household income in this economy would have been a disaster.

Am I disappointed? Absolutely.

Am I shocked? 100%.

Am I panicking about how I'm going to pay my mortgage or keep the lights on? No.

That's the difference.

A lot of people think OE is about buying nicer stuff. For me, today proved it's about security. Employers can eliminate positions. Budgets can change. Reorganizations happen. The people making the decision may genuinely like you and still eliminate your role.

Today could have been a financial disaster.

Instead, it's a setback.

For anyone wondering if OE is worth the effort, today gave me my answer.

Anyone else had their OE strategy save them after a layoff?

Hey everybody, I’ve been making a comic series on Instagram called The Folding Chair Chronicles.

They’re funny little recovery comics about:

• church basement meetings
• coffee cups and old timers
• cross-talkers
• blackouts and shame
• sponsors
• relapses
• higher powers
• emotional sobriety
• all the weird, heartbreaking, hilarious parts of alcoholism and recovery

I’m early in sobriety myself. So now I’m here. One day at a time. And making these comics has become part of my service work and recovery.

I wanted sobriety to feel less scary, less lonely, and maybe even funny sometimes, because humor has helped me survive a lot.

If anybody wants to share a recovery story, funny meeting moment, relapse lesson, sponsor quote, or anything else — DM me on Instagram and I might turn it into a comic (anonymously if you want).

I’d love for this to become something the recovery community builds together. ❤️

Tonight I volunteered to read “How It Works” in a meeting, and afterward an old-timer gently told me I should slow down because newcomers need time to absorb the message.

Objectively, this was completely reasonable feedback.

Emotionally? My brain immediately went to: “Oh my God, I’m in trouble and should never volunteer again.”

The funny thing is that reading at meetings has honestly become one of the highlights of my day. I’ve always loved reading out loud, and in other meetings, I’ve been complimented on it, so I think the feedback caught me off guard more than it should have. Maybe I was off tonight.

It made me realize how sensitive and self-conscious I still am in early sobriety. Recovery rooms hit differently because I actually care what people think, and I really want to belong.

Curious if anyone else has had moments in AA where small feedback felt enormous for no logical reason.